WEEK SIX 

Bears at Cardinals

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We're back, baby. 

Another Monday, another Live Blog.

We're officially calling this one the Paris Hilton Bowl, given that Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher and Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart have each been, um, linked to the most famous person in the world with no obvious talents or skills.  (A reader is amazed that we can give that title to her when preparing to blog a broadcast featuring Joe Theismann.)

The winner gets a private evening with Paris.

The loser gets two of them.

We'll get rolling with the constant flow of updates soon.  Be ready to send in your comments.  Our primary quest for this evening is to come up with a solid nickname for Mike Tirico. 

Here we go. 

Mike Ditka is hepped up on Cialis.

We're getting plenty of suggestions for Tirico nicknames.  The leader thus far is "Tirico Suave."

Joey Sunshine plans to just call him "the 'M'".

Is that Jillian Barbaro with the helmet?

Who is that?  Carmen Electra?  What's she promoting?  An infomercial?

Seven years since the Cardinals' last Monday night game.  Wasn't that the night Steve Young took a nap in the middle of the field?

Another suggestion for Tirico -- "the French Tickler."

The Bears do it "nice and rough" says Kornholio; Tirico Suave is getting excited.

Joey Sunshine looks to have gotten some fresh botox.  But it's hard to tell under that funeral home makeup.

A reader's wife asked him why the Cardinals play in a "college stadium."

Back to Kornholio's soliloquy, when did the Bears win five more Super Bowls?

The dude behind Tafoya put a big piece of gum in his mouth.

"Beaten like a drum" -- did Tafoya spend all week coming up with that line?

A reader asks whether the sock puppets will say anything about Ricky Manning Jr. 

A reader who just got an HDTV is regretting it after watching Tafoya's close up.

Tirico Suave is wishing that the place was called Pink Taco.

Where's Kolber?  No Suzy?  Is she on suspension?  Sick?  Pregnant?

Tonight's drinking game -- bend the elbow whenever Rex Grossman is compared to Lord Favre.

Kornholio is upset because Bernard Berrian is on his fantasy team.

King Rex almost gets picked off; three and out for the Bears.

A reader says that Grossman looked like Lord Favre on that near pick.

Says a reader:  "I think Suzy got her vasectomy today."

Another suggested nickname for Tirico Suave:  "Clarence Thomas."

Edge from the "U" -- isn't it the "M"?

Says a reader:  "Thomas 'the Hitman' Jones -- what's next?  Ricky 'the Jew beater' Manning?"

Kornholio already campaigning for an early end of the game.

Holy crap -- did we miss Kornholio call Grossman "Rexy"?  Tony's got a new man crush.

Cards are moving the ball nicely.

We're getting requests to keep the "DeTirico" name.

A reader suggests calling Tirico "Moe", because someone has to keep Larry and Curly in line.

Cardinals inside the Bears 30.

Kornholio just said "Phoenix Cardinals."

Inside the Bears 20.  The sock puppets are backpedaling.

A reader said something really bad (but incredibly funny) about Michelle Tafoya and Suzy Kolber.

ARIZONA SCORES!! BRYANT JOHNSON'S ENTIRE NAME IS ON HIS JERSEY!!  WTF!!

(Says a reader:  "They didn't want to entice Tirico Suave by putting the letters 'B' and 'J' next to each other.")

Joey Sunshine says the ball is easier to throw tonight because of the rain.

A reader points out that the Fins beat the '85 Bears on Monday night 21 years ago with quick throws like the Cards are using.

7-0 Cards.

Already hearing chatter that the fix is in.

Adrian Wilson is the "Assassin" -- another nickname that'll make the league office happy.

Good point the sock puppets will never mention tonight -- Denny Green had a 14-6 regular season record against the Bears while coaching the Vikings.

Another three-and-out for the Bears.

Sunshine says the Cardinals will regret not getting the pick on third down.  "Write that down," he says.  (He'd write it himself, but he can't spell "regret".)

How in the hell is a dropped interception on a deep pass any different than a punt?

A reader asks what the sock puppets will do if King Rex and Lord Leinart each have solid games.  "Can Kornheiser stick his head up both of their butts simultaneously?"

"We'll dominate their ass," Leinart says via his uniform microphone.

Lord Leinart is intercepted; Suave is already rooting for it to be overturned.

A reader suggests coating Steve McNair in the Rhino Lining from the Chevy truck commercial.

Kornholio says "That's Urlacher, isn't it?"  Holy sh-t what a retard.

Jerome Boger is the ref -- who wants to bet that it's spelled "Booger"?

Kornholio is bitching that the replay review is taking too long.  He's got a prostate thing going on tonight.

Challenge upheld -- no interception.

Scott Player's facemask is pathetic.  We'd love to see someone bust him in the face.

Kornholio notices that Player's facemask is "sagging."  It reminds Tony of Little Tony.

Joey Sunshine says ESPN is starting a new channel -- ESPNM.

The e-mails are kicking our ass tonight -- but keep 'em coming.

Regarding Kornholio's crack that the refs should be able to put a quarter in the black box for 15 more seconds of replay action, a reader says that Korny would like to drop a quarter somewhere for 15 more seconds with James Denton.

Great catch by Desmond Clark.  But the guy's gonna lose a kidney if King Rex keeps throwing high balls down the middle.

From a reader:  "Joey Sunshine says that the Bears will regret that dropped interception."

FRANCISCO!! (That's fun to say.)

Terrible throw from King Rex.

A reader reminds us of Tafoya's line from her acting gig in Animal House:  "Do you mind if we dance with your dates?"

A reader says that Rex looked a lot like Lord Favre on that pick.

Another touchdown pass from Leinart.

A reader asks:  "Who had more testosterone in their system?  Floyd Landis during the Tour de France or Michelle Tafoya on any Monday night?"

A reader says:  "Good call by the Raiders, Bills, and Lions passing on Leinart."

A reader points out a hidden benefit of Matt Leinart being the starter over Kurt Warner -- no shots of Yoko Warner in the stands.

Kornholio is a gossipy bitch; he only wakes up whenever there's talk about guys and girls getting together.

They show an old photo of Joe Namath kissing Ann-Margaret -- where's the picture of Joe trying to plant one on a boy named Sue?

Says a reader:  "Ashton Kutcher is at the game with his mother.  How nice."

First quarter over.  Apparently, there are published reports that Charles Barkley will be the useless celebrity interview in the second quarter.

Cards defense is laying the lumber.

A reader says that Demi Moore was trying to text Matt Leinart; she's ready to trade Ashton in for a younger model.

Cards have the ball back -- another third and long.  Incomplete; time to punt.

Says Sunshine:  "The Chicago Bears finally got the Arizona Cardinals in the position where they wanted them, third and long."  Of course, the team's second touchdown came on a third-and-eleven play.  Sunshine would say, "Eleven isn't long."

Charles Barkley heading to the booth.  Kornholio is preparing to measure his feet.  Or ask him if he nailed as many broads as Wilt Chamberlain.

I'm sure that the Bears fan behind the Cardinals fan with the huge red wig is getting his money's worth.

Then again, the guy doesn't have to watch King Rex completing all those passes to Arizona players.

Says a reader:  "Grossman is looking more and more like Lord Favre all the time."

Hello, Charles.  Now go away.

"These fans deserve a winner," Barkley says.  And we agree, given that he couldn't deliver one for them in hoops.

"Sunday is the best day of the week," Barkley says before being cajoled into giving a shameless plug for MNF.

A reader in the Chicago area says that during breaks the local channel is showing commercials of Rex Grossman endorsing a local laser vision correction center.  Apparently, he has yet to have the procedure himself.

Joey says:  "Those two touchdowns the Cardinals scored will come back to haunt the Bears.  Write it down."

Suave and Kornholio are happy to have someone in the booth with less hair than them, says a reader.

We wonder how Bears fans feel about Barkley openly rooting for the Cardinals.

Says a reader:  "Wow, Barkley has already admitted he was wrong more times in the booth than Joey Sunshine ever has."

We like Barkley -- he says he "would have hit [T.O.] in the head a long time ago."

Kornholio needs to get rid of the broad, sweeping hand gestures.

Barkley says T.O. has an "overbearing personality."  Mr. Kettle?  Mr. Pot is here to see you.

Another punt from the Bears.  We have a back log of like 150 e-mails. 

A reader explains why Joey Sunshine kept his mouth shut when pictures of quarterbacks and celebrities were being displayed:  "In the inspirational book, [Cathy Lee] Crosby chronicles how she came back from a traumatic several years in which her grandmother, her mother and her father died; she contracted the Epstein-Barr virus and was bedridden almost four and a half years causing her career to do a nosedive; then she ended her seven-year relationship with former football star Joe Theismann, who subsequently sued her for half her net.  That lawsuit went on more than four years and led to Crosby's financial ruin."

A reader asks why Matt Leinart transferred to the University of Phoenix.

From a reader:  "Barkley should have played football.  Signed, the guy in Orlando that got thrown through a window by Sir Charles." 

Punt from Scott Player returned to the Bears 40 by Devin Hester, of the "M".

Barkley actually isn't too bad.  How about they fire Sunshine and give his job to Charles?

Rex Grossman almost took a Steve Young nap on that one.

Where's Albert Haynesworth when you need him?

That fumble interrupted a stirring discussion about how much weight Charles has lost.

Tirico Suave got excited when Tony was talking about "gooey snacks."

A reader says:  "From my wife lifting her head above her book, 'Is that Charles Barkley?' I said yep.  She replied, 'What's he doing there?'"

A reader says that James Denton is Kornholio's favorite gooey snack.

Rackers nails a three-pointer.  17-0 Cardinals.

Readers are agreeing that having Barkley around is better than listening to Sunshine.

What the f--k?  The world premiere of the new Jay-Z video coming up at halftime?

Wow, there are really fat people in Arizona, too.  We thought heat suppressed appetite.

Bears move it out to the 40.  Time for another Grossman turnover.

Getting plenty of votes for "Clarence Thomas" to be Tirico's nickname.

Another Grossman fumble.  He really is the next Brett Favre! 

"I got your momentum right here," Kornholio says to Sunshine.  (We didn't realize that old men called their wrinkled up packages "momentum.")

Bears fans are calling for Kyle Orton.  (We say get him drunk at halftime and let him do his thing.)

Matt Leinart sings almost as well as Hank Williams Jr.

A FOX News viewer thinks that we should also put Bill Clinton and Gary Condit on the table as possible nicknames for Tirico.

A reader says that Sunshine thinks Grossman is fumbling because the ball isn't wet enough.

A reader says that Leinart got his singing lessons from Paris Hilton.  (Another reader says she also taught him how to play the meat whistle.)

Sir Charles suggests that the Cards go for the "juggler".

Trouble for the Cards?  Four turnovers and only 20 points.  Good luck holding that lead, since Edge has a whopping 38 yards on 19 carries.

20-0 at the half.  Ouch for the Bears.  Time for the Playmaker to eat some crow.  Or some more drugs.

Lots of readers prefer Barkley to the sock puppets.

Says a reader:  "Man, Barkley knows his football.  Maybe the Fords will hire him after Matt Millen is fired."

A reader says that Matt Leinart's voice reminds him of Peter Brady singing "Time to Change."

A sign suggestion from a reader:

                              LEINART

                                SHAGGED

                                PARIS

      LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

Holy crap -- someone sent us a page of Sunshine quotes.

The world is now ending.  ESPN has become MTV.

Are we the only ones who think Danica Patrick is kind of fat?  And that she has that trailer trash look about her?

Readers are getting irritated by the Playmaker grabbing people's arms when talking to them.

Okay, Stu Scott referred to Jay-Z as "Jigga."  Something tells us that if Berman or Ditka or Young said that they'd be watching next week's game with Steve Lyons.

A reader says:  "Jay-Z, NASCAR, and MNF?  Three words:  What the f--k?"

Did Eyeball really say that the Bears had four fumbles in the first half?

Okay, third quarter.

A reader suggests changing the Hank Williams song to:  "Are you ready for some ass clowns?"

Cardinals punt on first drive of second half.

Several readers point out to us that late in the first half Sunshine said that he was told by "Bernard Berrian" of the Cardinals that his team lacks the killer instinct.

Good point from several readers:  MTV no longer shows music videos.

Bachelor update from Dante:  "The guy on the show is still very gay."

Clarence Thomas just said "deepest penetration."

Bears on the move.  Down to the Cardinals 30.

From a reader regarding Clarence Thomas' hockey reference:  "Black guys don't play hockey.  Signed, Steve Lyons."

Kornholio finally mentions his fantasy team; a reader says that he replaced Mike Anderson with James Denton.

Bernard Berrian breaks free on a catch -- Joey Sunshine wonders what the Cardinals got in return for trading him to Chicago at halftime.

A reader suggests that the Playmaker is Uncle Leo and T.O. is Cousin Jeffrey.

Clarence hurries up to say that Robbie Gould hasn't missed a kick all year in the hopes of working the Gardocki jinx.  Doesn't work.

20-3.

Clarence Thomas said, "It got tight in the red zone."

Anquan Boldin almost makes a great one-handed catch.

Roughing the kicker by the Bears keeps Cardinals' drive alive.  Hey guys, if you're gonna take 15 for hitting Scott Player, punch the f--ker in the face.  It'll teach him to get a real facemask.

Kornholio has been quiet lately.  He must have fallen asleep.  Or he died.

We missed Sunshine saying that the Chicago offensive line is playing with more emotion than any offensive line in league history.

Ricky Manning mentioned -- Clarence notes "ethnic slurs."  Kornheiser says nothing.  Way to take a stand.

The referee's voice reminds us of Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop when he pretended to be the guy with herpes simplex number 10.

Cardinals convert a long third down.

A reader says that he hopes that the injured Ricky Manning doesn't end up with a Jewish doctor tonight.

A reader says that Edgerrin James runs like he's trying to keep a turd from coming out of his ass.

A reader asks when the Cardinals will regret that dropped interception from the first quarter.

Rackers nails another field goal.  Cards up by 20 with less than 17 minutes to play.

James Hughes from Maryville College says that he really wanted his name to be mentioned in the Live Blog.  (And we did it because we feel kinda sorry for anyone who has to tell others that the name of his college is "Maryville.")

Says a reader:  "Watching this game, I get the feeling that we have seen the last of Kurt Warner.  Too bad.  I will miss the obligatory shots of his brother sitting in the stands."

Says a reader:  "I don’t think that’s really Stuart Scott’s eye.  The lens of his glasses just have an eye painted on it."

More Jay-Z, this time in a Budweiser commercial.  Says a reader:  "What the f--k?  What the f--k?  What the f--k?  What the f--k?  What the f--k?"

Before the break, Clarence Thomas acts like the University of Phoenix is a legitimate college.  (Did he really say that the new stadium is named for the stadium where they used to play?  Maybe he's confusing it with the college founded by Ben Franklin.)

Sunshine just called the Cards quarterback "Matt Leiner", then referred to him a few seconds later as Kurt Warner.

From a reader: 

After many years, you get a big Monday night game where you're expected to dominate.

Thanks for making us look good instead!

Signed,
Peter Tom Willis
Will Furrer
Shane Matthews
Steve Walsh
Steve Stenstrom
Rick Mirer
Moses Moreno
Jim Miller
Cade McNown
Henry Burris
Kordell Stewart
Jonathan Quinn
Craig Krenzel
Chad Hutchinson

Uh-oh.  Bears score a defensive touchdown on a blind side hit and fumble. 

"Warner must have just gotten into the game," says a reader.

A reader says:  "Yes, the Jay-Z and Budweiser ad is a bad thing.  This e-mail was brought to you by Adam Archuleta and Sprint." 

Joey Sunshine blames that fumble and touchdown on the dropped interception in the first quarter.

Says a reader:  "Maybe once James Hughes graduates from Maryville, he can apply to a real university…the University of Phoenix." 

A reader points out that there's been no mention of former Cards safety Pat Tillman tonight.

Edgerrin James almost doubles his output for the night, without getting a first down.

A reader says:  "Theismann repeats everything he says.  He reminds me of a broken leg, er, record."

Several readers want to know how to get tickets to see the University of Phoenix play at "their" stadium.

Edge persuades ownership to change the color of the shoes; we have a feeling that they could have gotten that advice from a marketing foof for far less than $40 million -- and that he/she could also average less than 2.0 yards per carry.

Joey Sunshine says that alumni of the University of Phoenix call it the "M".

"5-0 is obviously not 12-0."  Thanks for clarifying that one, Tony.

Another reader says that tonight's ref sounds like "The Ladies Man."

"Delay of game on the offense.  Time for me to show off my five yards."

We've been offered tickets for University of Phoenix at DeVry.

Bears in business after a nice punt return from Devin Hester of the "M".

Another reader says that the ref sounds like Cleveland from Family Guy.

Bears peter out deep in Arizona's end; Chicago goes for it on fourth down.

Clarence Thomas saws "eschew."

Darnell-Freakin'-Dockett!  Takes it to the house.

Kornholer is reaching back a couple of years for a comparison.  How about Jerricho Cotchery?

And Kornholer gets it wrong.  It was Antonio Freeman in 2000, not Javon Walker.

Here's the clip of it.

Time for the Edge from the "M" to run a few seconds off of the clock.

Kornholio called T.O.'s publicist "Lil' Kim."  (Steve Lyons just called -- he says that if Tony will proofread his resume, Steve will proofread his.)

Replay shows that Dockett was clearly down.

Says a reader:  "We pick on Joey Sunshine so much.  I'm going to defend him on this one.  It's a completely legitimate mistake calling it the 'M' instead of the 'U'.  After all, that is an 'M' on their helmets . . . isn't it?  It's a very confusing issue."

Cards get nowhere, and punt.

Earlier, Sunshine was bitching about a non-call for illegal contact.  Thanks to the reader who points out that, after the ball is thrown, the only call can be for interference, and if the ball is not catchable there's no penalty.

Another interception -- that's four for Grossman.  And two fumbles.

Time for the sock puppets to start predicting a trip by the Saints to the Super Bowl.

Is Sunshine drunk?  Matt Lehrer?

Touchdown Bears on another fumble.  Urlacher rips it out.  Clearly a fumble.

"It's a good decision to challenge it," Sunshine says, just before adding: "Doesn't look like it's gonna get overturned."

Sunshine suggests that maybe Edge's forward progress was stopped, before Cleveland explains that forward progress can't be challenged.

Memo to Edge from Denny Green:  "That's why we don't put the ball in your hands down the stretch."

The Colts just called -- they've got 40 million reasons why they don't regret allowing Edgerrin James to leave.

Man, we have a feeling that the Cards are gonna turn it over again.

A reader says that Sunshine makes Bill Maas sound like Keith Jackson.

The Bears should have taken the three-pointer when they had the chance; they'd be only a field goal away from tying it up.

HOLY F--KING SHIT. . . .  HOLY F--KING SHIT . . . .

Devin Hester takes it the distance.  23-23.

Extra point is good -- 24-23.

If the Cardinals don't win this game, Denny Green is done.  D-o-n-e.  He might even get fired during the season.

A reader says:  "Looks like the Cards are going down to a devastating defeat.  But damn those shoes look good!"

A reader notes that Devin Hester missed a great opportunity to punch Scott Player in the face.  (Or Hester could have swung his helmet at the guy.)

Two minutes to go.  Cards at midfield.

Cards getting into field goal range.  We still have this feeling that the Cardinals will find a way to blow it.

USC plays like the NFL -- and pays like it to.  (Thanks, reader.)

Edgerrin James gets a carry, and his perfunctory one yard.

Another run by Edgerrin "No Gain" James.

Rackers is gonna miss the thing.  I can feel it in the air.

MISSED IT . . . MISSED IT . . . MISSED IT . . .

The goat for the Cardinals is Edgerrin James.  Period.  Without question.  He's just a guy. 

"Look at Leinart walk off the field," Kornholio says.  Yeah, amazing stuff.  Never seen a guy do the left leg, right leg thing.

Dennis and Jeremy Green will become the first father-son combo on ESPN, since Dick and Jeremy Schaap.

Edgerrin James:  36 carries, 55 yards, one fumble.  1.52 yards per carry.

What the hell is on Devin Hester's face? 

We're not done yet.  We'll blog part of SportsCenter.

"No Gain" James is Edge's official new nickname.

Readers are teeing off on examples of James' playing soft in big games with Indy.

From a reader:

After many years, you finally get a Monday night home game. You're expected to be
dominated, but have a big lead late in the 3rd! Looks like you'll cruise to a W!

Thanks for continuing to make us the laughing stock of football instead!

Signed,
Chicago/Saint Louis Cardinals Hall of Famers
The Taxpayers of Arizona
The 5 actual Arizona Cardinals fans

At the suggestion of a reader, we spun back the TiVo and spotted Cards defensive end Chike Okeafor giving the middle finger to someone in the stands.

"No Gain" James walks into the locker room and the other 52 guys yell, "Why the f--k are you here?"

From a reader, on Tafoya's post-game interview of Urlacher:

ESPN mentions Denny's meltdown and promises to "get to it" a little bit later.

ESPN just played it.  Wow.  Denny is pissed.

He starts out calm.  "The Bears are what we thought they were. . . .  We played them in preseason.  Who the hell takes the third game of the preseason like it's bullsh-t bulls-t. (Don't know why he said it twice.)  We played them the third game, everybody played three quarters."

Now he starts getting loud.

"The Bears are who we THOUGHT they were.  And that's the way we took the damn field.  Now [strikes NFLN microphone] if you wanna crown them, then crown their ass.  But they are who we thought they were.  And we let them off the hook."

And then Green walks away.

Makes Jim Mora's "diddly-poo" meltdown look like a mild hissyfit.

During SportsCenter, Sunshine calls Matt Leinart "Leinar".  Twice.

Finally, here's the audio of the Denny Green meltdown.  And the video, without the bleeping.

Thanks to everyone who stopped by tonight.