WEEK FOUR 

Green Bay at Philadelphia

(HIT F5 TO GET THE LATEST CRAPOLA!)

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.  And Albert Haynesworth.  Eagles running back Brian Westbrook is a late scratch despite being listed as probable, which could prompt fantasy owners to storm team headquarters.  (If they could find their way out of their parents' basements.)

Periodic stuff coming over the next half hour.  Full blown live blog gets rolling at 8:30 p.m. EDT.

Said one reader:  Chris Connelly's voice = TV off.

Is Rachel Nichols possessed by the same demon that overcame Linda Blair in The Exorcist?

Here we go.

Wax on . . . wax off.

Sand the floor . . . paint the fence.

If done proper, no can defense.

Really gay opening sequence.

Danny DeTirico is in the house.  Where's his high chair?

He could have starred in Little Man without special effects.

We've finally figured it out -- Kornholio is Charlie's grandpa from the first Willie Wonka movie.

Says one reader:  "He looks like he's on work release from a hospice."

Tony really wants an Emmy.  We'll buy one for him if he shuts up.

Kornholio apparently got some advice from Madden on how to succeed on Monday nights -- bury your face in Brett Favre's ass, and blow.

The Lost dude on the opening . . . none of those folks have been typecast.  Not at all.

Tafoya says Ahman Green is out.  Did she ask him if he recently beat up his wife?

Suzy looks like she's ready to go ride a horse.  Somebody -- put a saddle on Tafoya!

"Mike, that's a lot to overcome" -- man, that sounded natural and unrehearsed.

Someone is giving us a hard time for picking on Rachel Nichols.  "She is definitely hotter than any other ESPN personality."  Man, that's like being the person with the best eyesight in a school for the blind.

Says the same reader, perhaps proving our point, regarding Suzy Kolber:  "I never realized ESPN would let men grow their hair so long."

Lord Favre.  We are honored to be in your presence.

A reader suggests that Vegas should lays odds on when Sunshine will contradict himself.

Says a reader at Bucknell regarding the opening sequence and its not-so-subtle pandering to the NFL's new fan base in Asia:  "All of the internationals in my hall can't control their excitement after that opening sequence.  They love football now even though they don't know what it is."

DeTirico says "Reno hits it hard."  Is he now watching porn in the booth?

(By the way, Packers punt on first drive.)

Jon Runyan has a history in television.  Repair.

Says a reader:  "Who has a deeper voice, Jon Runyan or Michelle Tafoya?"

KGB puts his sack on Donovan.

It's not the first quarter if we're not hearing about Tony's fantasy team.  (How is it that he has had a guy from every game he covers?)

Another punt.  Packers have the ball again after the commercial.

Lord Favre tried to get Greg Jennings' spleen ruptured on that last pass.

Packers moving.

Darwin Walker nearly pulled a Charles Martin on Lord Favre.  First and goal.

That's not a semi-celebration by Lord Favre, Sunshine -- that's a modified "I have to pee-pee" dance.

Joey Sunshine has an interesting debate with himself on whether the receiver was forced out of the end zone, or wasn't.

Field goal by the Packers.  3-0.

Great.  Another commercial featuring the Mannings.  When does Ricky Manning get one?

Says a reader:  "I don't know if Ricky Manning gets a commercial, but he's in the next Mel Gibson movie."

Only five minutes into the game?  I'm already doing the Lord Favre semi-celebration . . . .

Kornholio says McNabb is in the hottest seat of any NFL player?  Has he never heard of Peyton Manning?  (Must not be on his fantasy team.)

Hey, it's Rocky Dennis!  Where's your husband, A.J.?

Folks are ragging on Danny DeTirico for calling an earlier play a double reverse.  Just like last week.  If the action is reversed only once, it's not a double reverse.  It's just a reverse.

Fumble by the Eagles inside the 10.  Are they still actually playing a game?

Readers are telling us that dumbass DeTirico said that the statue (or stature) of William Penn is Ben Franklin.

Sunshine is trying to get a Twinkies endorsement.  Or he plans on sticking them up his butt later.  You know, just for fun.

Packers putting another nice drive together, and Vernand Morency is churning up some yards.

No huddle look from the Packers -- and there's a helmet off.  Albert Haynesworth is getting excited.

Dhani Jones' celebration after breaking up that pass should dispel any and all rumors that he's on the down low.  (Not that we've ever heard any.)

DeTirico cracks on Kornholio regarding a comment from Tony that he looks like a "dopey college professor" when he wears a bow tie.  "As opposed to the intelligent guy you look like now," DeTirico said.

Packers punt to Eagles.

Correll Buckhalter ran about 30 yards without blowing out a knee.  Attaboy!

Sunshine says Shawn Andrews, 40 pounds svelter, is "down to a small building as opposed to two big ones together."  Huh?

DeTirico says Aaron Kampman is not well known.  Apparently, he didn't watch the MNF game last season when Madden virtually put him in Canton. 

We're getting e-mail pointing out that the sock puppets said that Donovan McNabb threw the "equivalent" of a 97-mph fastball.  It's either going 97 miles per hour or it isn't -- there's no "equivalent."

Second quarter.

Donovan McNabb, on third and five, throws short of the sticks.  Charles Woodson makes fair catch for the Pack at the Green Bay nine.

(Okay, we're going to start paying closer attention to the game.)

Great stat from a reader that the sock puppets have overlooked -- this is the second time Vernand Morency has faced the Eagles; in Week One he had five carries for 13 yards and one reception for six against the Texans.

Second quarter . . . who's the useless celeb gonna be?

Sunshine says Andy Reid is "running the ball to prove a point."  What point is he trying to prove, Joe?

Joey Sunshine mentioned the Bears beating the Seahawks.  Why doesn't Joe remind the viewers that last week he called the Bears the best team in the conference, and then picked the 'Hawks to win at Chicago?

Kornholio says that Lord Favre was "ruminating" in the offseason.  Isn't that illegal in Mississippi?

Looks like the useless celebrity will be Ravens quarterback Steve McNair via satellite, in an effort to start hyping next week's game.  Maybe they'll throw in an ESPN Mobile reference, too.  (Quips a reader:  "So says the Sprint spokesman."  Zing!)

Says a reader:  The baseball equivalent of A.J. Hawk's face is a catcher's mitt.

Eagles have the ball on their 44 after Packers punt.

DeTirico -- the fullback's last name isn't "toupee."

F--KING GREAT . . . MORE TALKING IN THE SECOND QUARTER OVER THE GAME ACTION.

Howard Cosell is rolling over in his grave.  And drinking vodka.

They're not even trying to pay attention to the game -- instead, they're using the McNair interview as more fodder to kiss Lord Favre's ass.  Unreal.

Says a reader:  McNair is the first person this year appearing on the broadcast who knows anything about football.  Including the sock puppets.

Thanks, guys, for hitting pause on the interview of McNair to, you know, call the f--king game.

Wow . . . two plays in a row without talking to Steve McNair.  Eagles inside the ten after two straight catches by L.J. Smith.

Have they forgotten about McNair?  (Another fumble by the Eagles.)

Great observation from a reader -- Steve McNair says that Lord Favre has been able to start in so many games because of his competitive nature.  So are you saying, Steve, that you missed all those games in Tennessee because you're a lazy Nancy boy?

Says a reader regarding the Eagles cheerleaders:  "Could they be wearing skimpier outfits?  I swear, one of them had dollar bills tucked in her shorts."

Steve McNair is getting the call waiting treatment.

Morency fumbles and the Eagles get it back.

Good question from Kornholio -- does Buckhalter get the ball again.  Sunshine says "no" emphatically.  So the answer is yes.

Eagles fans are letting us know they're rooting for Buckhalter to blow out a knee again.

Quarterback draw from McNabb for a touchdown.  Wow.  Sunshine was right.  He needs to get today's date tattooed on his butt.

Sunshine suggests that there's been a plethora of quarterback rushing touchdowns this year.  We doubt it.

7-3, Philly.

Great question from a reader:  Why do they advertise HDTVs with television commercials when the target audience is someone who doesn't have an HDTV and thus won't really notice the difference?

Is Steve McNair still awake?  One reader is casting a vote for L.T. to reunite with Joey Sunshine when the Giants play on Monday night.

Hey -- Eminem is at the game.

Great stat from a reader:  Buckhalter fumbles one out of every 40 times he touches the ball.

Dude from Packers just bangs a 54-yard field goal.  7-6, Eagles.

Kornholio has his gay bracelet on again.

Wow -- Lord Favre takes a backseat to Jerry Rice as to the question of who the best football player from Mississippi is.  John Madden is rolling over in his grave.  (Oh, wait -- he's still alive.)  Says a reader:  He's talking to the busts in Canton.  (Actually, they're playing Texas Hold 'Em.  And Madden is losing.)

(Sorry, guys, but Walter Payton was better than both of them.)

There's the Madden thing -- second and ten after an incomplete pass is almost always a run.

Says one reader:  "At least Payton knew when to pack it in."

Suzy says that Andy Reid doesn't like wearing his Super Bowl ring.  ("It's a real pain when powdered sugar gets in the nooks and crannies.")

Sunshine is compelled to mention in a roundabout way that he has one, too -- and Kornholio calls him on it.

Says a reader:  Kornholio should ask him where they put the asterisk on his ring, since it came during a nine-game, strike-shortened season. 

Says one reader:  "Dirk Johnson had a 54-yard punt.  That's the equivalent of a 54-yard single."

K-Rob catches a pass.  Cheers!  (Says a reader:  Vicodin and vodka for everyone!)

Uh oh.  Bad hit delivered by Eagles defensive back Michael Lewis, who is motionless on the ground.  And of course they're ignoring it.

Says a reader:  Tafoya explained regarding Robinson what you guys wrote a month and a half ago.  Way to be on the cutting edge of gathering real-time info with that sideline pass, Michelle!

Says another reader:  There's a guy laying the field motionless (looking like he has a broken neck) and Man Hands is talkin' it up.  (Fortunately, Michael Lewis is okay.)

Sunshine explains why Lord Favre stumbled.  Is it the FieldTurf, Joe?

Says a coach to the rookie guards:  "Stop stepping on Brett's feet and starting kissing them!"

Says a reader:  "If we had to take a drink every time someone kissed Favre's ass, we'd all be driving 110 mph right now."

Great point from a reader:  Why didn't the sock puppets ask Steve McNair about his ex-teammate Albert Haynesworth?

Another Packers field goal.  9-7, Green Bay.

More hyping of Favre and McNabb so folks won't change the channel away from a boring-ass game.

Cue the perfunctory reference to the booing of McNabb when he was drafted.

Kornholio and Sunshine disagree on whether he was affected by the T.O. sh-t last year -- how about mentioning the fact that he also was dealing with piece of intestine bulging out of his groin as if he was the man with two wangs?

Says a reader:  "They showed Ryan Howard in the stands. That's the great thing about being a Philadelphia Philly baseball player, you can get tickets before the season to a football game for Oct 2 with great confidence you won't have a playoff game that night."  (Says PFT:  Who the hell is Ryan Howard?)

Eagles moving again.  Great floater to Reggie Brown, who was so far open that he had enough time to take a piss.

Man, they're spending a lot of time talking with Tafoya.  Suzy is gonna kick someone's ass over this.

The Packers players don't have plays on those wristbands -- it's the crib sheet for the Latvian Orthodox exam.

"You sunk my battleship!" was a funny line.  In 1974.

Says a reader:  "Mike, don't you know anything?  Ryan Howard is Ron Howard's little brother."

DeTirico calls what Haynesworth did a "foot facial"?  What the hell?

Sunshine and Kornholio are kissing the Commish's ass for suspending Haynesworth by five games.

What a joke of a fake field goal.  A pass to the flat from a spot beyond the 30?  With time running out?

Halftime.

Great, it's Stu Scott.  Colts and Jets was a statement game?  For the Colts? 

A reader suggests heading to ESPN2 for women's bowling, which is better than watching Stu and Irvin and the yuk-yuks.

Maybe they should invite Joe Cullen for the "Jacked Up" segment, and make a slight alteration to the name of the spot.

Readers are complaining about the fact that the sock puppets spent no time talking about the botched fake field goal.  It was a direct snap to the kicker.  Says an industry insider who monitors the live blog:  "Looked like he didn't know that fake field goal was coming. Befuddlement.  Or he's still wondering why McNabb was running around like a lab rat on crack trying to take them out of field goal range."

A reader thinks the crowd was chanting "eyeball" when Stu Scott was speaking.

Hello TV Land --- Dante is here! Think Suzy will take a Dirty Pirate?

"Unprecedented" must have been at the top of the list of the talking points distributed by the league office regarding the Albert Haynesworth incident.  So what if it's unprecedented?  Three games would have been unprecedented.  Four games would have been unprecedented.  "Unprecedented" is meaningless in this context but the NFL is locking onto that word in order to fool us into thinking that five games is enough.  It's not.

Great point from a reader -- "Eyeball" said Haynesworth will lose 500 large, but the real number is more like $190,000.

Okay, enough halftime crap.  Third quarter begins.

Sunshine thinks the field goal fake was a mistake.

Why do they all have their coats back on?  Are you boys chilly?

Nick Collins "covered" a pass to L.J. Smith.  Is that what we call a drop now?

Sunshine refers to the six areas of the passing chart as "quadrants." 

OH MAN -- someone's gonna get fired for that 0.5 second shot of the Calvin pissing shirt with "Dallas sucks" and "T.O. swallows" on it.

Eagles putting a nice drive together.

Another drop, this time by Reggie Brown.

Sunshine sees contact between Al Harris and Donte' Stallworth, without addressing whether the ball was uncatchable.

McNabb makes a fake with the ball while running to freeze a defender, and rather than giving him credit for the play the sock puppets use it as another chance to nuzzle Lord Favre's crotch.

Horrible pun from Kornholio.  "Making the 'Moats' of a bad situation."  Not even remoatly funny.

Says a reader:  "DeTirico is getting closer to saying Thomas Tapeh's name correctly.  Maybe he was looking at Tony's head when he tried to say it earlier."

Asks a reader -- if Andy Reid's Super Bowl ring can do magic, can it make Joe Theismann disappear?

40-yard field goal from David Akers.  Eagles take the lead, 10-9.

Packers start from the 21.  More reports from Tafoya.  Where in the hell is Kolber? 

"Have the cheese heads tried the cheese steaks?"  Hardy f--king har har.  Michelle, shouldn't you be making a pie or something?  (We're kidding.  She looks more like a cake woman.  Er, person.  Um, dude.)

Greg Jennings got flattened.  In slo-mo it looks like it wasn't a catch. 

That wasn't not Reid throwing the challenge flag.  He had just wiped some ketchup off of his face after eating French fries.

Receiver took two steps but was juggling the ball.  Never had clean control while he took the two steps.

Another dropped pass.

The dude with the nachos has something in his beard.  We think it's food. 

ESPN commercial with SportsCenter anchors showing Chad Johnson some end zone celebrations.  He should have more than a few ideas in the hopper right now, given his total scores this year.  Says a reader:  "'Puff of smoke' might not be the best thing to use in a commercial featuring a Bengal."

Suzy, you're back.  Now shut up.

All she's got for us is that "McNabb has been sitting on the bench when not playing."

DeTirico disses the offense just as McNabb fires a laser beam between two Packers.  Touchdown.

Says a reader: "Ahmad Carroll is to coverage as Andy Reid is to salad."

Says a reader:  "Last year for Halloween I bought that same wig Suzy is wearing for $2.  And everyone said my costume sucked."  (Says a reader:  "Was he hoping to be propositioned by Broadway Joe?")

Lord Favre is intercepted.  The magic number will move to 18.  Now Jim Marshall reference when the guy who picked it off started to run the wrong way.

How about Reggie Brown watching the ball in the end zone and not getting his ass on it, while another Eagle flies in from off screen and smothers it?

Ahmad Carroll needs long sleeves to cover the marks on his arms from the toaster.

Another touchdown pass from McNabb.

"Is it too early to say this game is over?" Kornholio asks, possibly hoping for permission to take a nap.  Sunshine disagrees, possibly fearing that someone might change the channel and not hear his voice.

24-9.  We agree with Kornholio.  It's over.

Says a reader:  "If Andy Reid's Super Bowl ring were really magic, donuts wouldn't have any calories."

Another pick.  Erased due to illegal contact penalty.

Sunshine:  "In that area of the field it's holding or pass interference . . . [official calls illegal contact] . . . or illegal contact."

Packers driving.  Can Lord Favre do it?  Kornholio is awake again, and ready to believe.

And then Lord Favre throws another pick.

News flash -- Buckhalter doesn't fumble.

Kornholio asks Sunshine what a "sugar huddle" is, and the guy can't bring himself to say he doesn't freakin' know.

I am Kornholio!

Fourth quarter.

A reader tells us that on another ESPN channel Sean Salisbury called Asshole Haynesworth "a nice young man."  (Yeah, and a pile of his crap would be a refreshing after dinner mint.)

The sock puppets say that McNabb sent T.O. a text message last week.  "Next time, I'll loan you my gun."

Transcript of text messages, per a reader:

McNabb:  "You okay, man?"

Owens:  "Go f--k yourself."

McNabb scores another touchdown.

Sunshine contradicts himself, at first claiming that McNabb didn't get into the end zone because the ball was outside the pylon.  He backed off in record time when Tirico reminding him that any portion of the body is inside the pylon and the ball crosses the plane it's a score.

31-9.  Game really is over.  (But we're still going to be smartasses.)

Says a reader:  "DeTirico is pissed at Kornhoio for repeatedly saying 'It's over'; Tony doesn't understand the whole concept of 'ratings' yet."

Great point from a reader:  "Can someone tell Donovan McNabb that doing something nice for someone isn't as nice if you have to tell everyone how nice it is?  The fact that he told the Monday Night crew makes the gesture a little disingenuous."  (Other readers echo the point.) 

Says another reader:  "Maybe McNabb didn't tell them.  Maybe it was his publicist."

A reader suggests a new Monday night feature called "locked up."  As in, Odell Thurman, you got LOCKED UP.  Jared Alllen, you got LOCKED UP.  Asshole Haynesworth, you should be LOCKED OUT.

Tony still wants that Emmy, this time waxing about Lord Favre's triumphs and tragedies.

Um, Tony, ix-nay on the avre-Fay ainkillers-pay.

So, Tony, Lord Favre is just like me?  He isn't a tractor-driving redneck who never has been addicted to painkillers?

Says a reader:  "His team is down by 22 with 12 minutes to go in the fourth quarter, on the road.  And the talking heads are still sucking Brett Favre's [expletive deleted]."

Says a reader:  "When they show a close-up of the announcers, take a look at Kornheiser's 'cheat sheet.'  It looks a lot like the collage my preschooler made me for Father's Day." 

Suzy says that Eagles receivers Reggie Brown and Donte' Stallworth are both hurt.

Do you think the sock puppets might at some point release their hammer lock on Lord Favre's nutsack long enough to notice that McNabb has 288 yards passing and four total touchdowns?

Anyone still out there?  We're not packing it in early.

Kornholio says he has purchased Don Larsen's autograph.  But has he ever had an ostrich burger?

Tafoya making excuses for Favre -- he's without a couple of his offensive weapons; meanwhile, Suzy mentions that McNabb's top two receivers are hurt and he's still tearing it up.

Kornholio continues to talk about the significance of Lord Favre's streak of consecutive starts.

K-Rob just saved Lord Favre from another pick.

Man we just got a great e-mail that even we can't use.

Looks like Kornholio jinxed Lord Favre by talking about how hard it is to stay healthy.  Favre's little birdie Ronnie is trying to tell him that he got knocked the f--k out.

Here's one we can use:  "I think most people are just in shock that ESPN is showing what amounts to hardcore pornography.  I mean, where else would you see two grown men jumping on another man's nuts (besides at, say, a rest stop)?"

Says a reader:  "Hasn't Favre been playing a long time?  Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time he was hurt.  Has he missed a start that you can remember?  I bet he has some kind of streak going or something.  Don't you think?"

As to Lord Favre's concern that he'd be injured outside of football, a reader wonders whether Favre has ever seen a stingray up close.

A reader tells us that Lord Favre's quarterback rating is 44.2 for the night.  You think the sock puppets would ever mention that?

We can use this one, barely:  "I'm starting to wonder if any of Lord Favre's body parts are starting to prune after the prolonged exposure to the puppets' saliva?"

Finally, some decent work from Tafoya:  The Packers are saying Lord Favre has a head injury, but she thinks based on his interactions with trainers that it's a shoulder injury.

Actual e-mail we received:  "This game is over and boring, so I'm off to the drive-thru window.  Coach Joe Cullen."

Following the legend is always a bad idea -- as a reader points out, Steve Young had it tough after Joe Montana.

Great point from a reader -- with all of the Favre nuzzling, no one bothered to mention that Reggie Brown came back to the game, even after Suzy made it sound like Brown needs a bionic arm.

Genius observation, Joe -- the defense in trying to keep the offense from scoring is saying, "We don't want you to score."

Another actual e-mail:  "This game is so boring I want to kill myself.  Signed, TO." 

Game over.  Finally.  But we've had a blast, as usual.  Thanks for all of the e-mail.  I think we got more than 250 tonight.

A few quick observations:

1.  We've got a feeling Lord Favre's shoulder is messed up.  Maybe a busted collar bone?  It very well could be that Kornholio has indeed jinxed Favre by all that talk about how hard it is to stay healthy.  (But at least Chris Gardocki has still never had a punt blocked.)

2.  The Eagles have incredible depth, at every position except quarterback.  If Donovan McNabb can stay healthy, this team will contend for the NFC title.  If McNabb gets hurt, it's over.

3.  Green Bay is just bad.  What the hell has Ted Thompson done during his time as the G.M.?

4.  After further review, we think the technical term for one of the acts performed tonight on Lord Favre is "ballcuzzi."

That's all from PFT headquarters.  Join us next Monday night. 

And stay tuned for a possible bonus live blog of T.O.'s return to Philly on Sunday afternoon.