Looks like Berman didn't spray paint his scalp tonight.

Okay folks . . . game starting soon.  Had Mexican food tonight.  Might need Kornholio's colostomy bag instead of his catheter.

Reader makes a good point:  Only T.J. and Irvin yell "Jacked up!"; Berman and Young apparently realize how stoopid it is.

NFL.com is advertising on ESPN?  Guys, we can give you a real nice banner for a lot less than what you're paying Bristol.

L.T. does the opening . . . will he mention breaking Sunshine's leg?

"Game only starts with heads or tails" -- but, L.T., what if there's overtime?  Or if you get bored at halftime and forget your dice?

Mace Windu in a three-point stance.  

We think the models for the action sequence in the opening are the teams from the old O.J. Simpson board game with the projector, circa 1974.

We finally get it.  Tiki declared his retirement this week in order to upstage T.O. on Monday night.

Sunshine got some fresh Botox.

Hey Sunshine, Tiki started carrying the ball differently before 2005.

Tony makes another pitch for an Emmy by comparing T.O. to the devil.

Reader:  "Sunshine says that Tiki quit fumbling by carrying a wet ball."

Peyton watched Eli as a fan for the first time?  What about last year's bye week?

Maybe Suzy got a bad eye job last week.  And Kramer stopped short and made a grab.

Reader:  "Kornholio says T.O. lashed the Eagles with his tongue.  That line was inspired by James Denton."

Reader:  "Stop being poetic, Tony.  It's a f--king football game."

Here's our guess for the celeb interview, based on the launch of the We Are Marshall commercials -- Matthew McConasomething.  Kornholio is already breaking out the K-Y.

Hank Williams Jr. makes a personal appearance. 

Reader:  "If T.O. starts whining and acting like a baby, will Madonna try to adopt him?"

Reader:  "I want Suzy to belt out Livin' on a Prayer at halftime."

Early votes are that Suzy had a facelift; "she looks like Joan Rivers now," said one reader.

Reader:  "So Hank Williams Jr. does exist!  I thought he was a cartoon character."

Tiki said "back side."  That Lloyd Braun, he is something!

And that his guards are his "two pulling machines."  Yecch.

Kornholio notes that Tiki referred to the quarterback's back side.

Nice run on first down by Tiki.  And Tony was happy to get a look at his back side.

Great catch by Burress for six points.  Top that, T.O.

Reader:  "I think Suzy was training for her fight with Tyson."

Reader:  "Sunshine says that the Cardinals will regret not intercepting that pass."

Roy Williams would have lit up Plax if he hadn't been tripped by that old white man.

"Big Penguin" Andre Gurode?  We figured they call him "The Welcome Mat."

Sunshine says Tiki's twin brother almost got the first down for Dallas.

Kornholio asks a stupid question -- as if you get a do-over when you run into a zebra.

"Just like every sport they're part of the field," says Clarence Thomas.  (Translation:  Tony, that was a dumbass question.)

Sunshine wins the Randy Cross award -- "Marco Colombo."

Clarence mentions L.T., and Joe's leg hurts like Harry Potter's forehead.

Folks -- the e-mails are killing us, but keep 'em coming.

Apparently, the halftime interview is someone we saw live last week; maybe Dennis Green will come on and punch a toaster.

Sunshine apparently said that a team doesn't have a 15-yard play in its playbook.  Sheesh.

(Reader:  "L.T. says roughing the passer is a 15-yard play . . . oh and don't do crack, kids.")

Tiki needs to lose that smug look on his face whenever he talks.  Seriously.

Clarence Thomas tried to say "that's a tough act" and said "that's a tough ass."  (Dr. Freud, your 9:00 is here.)

Reader:  "Clarence Thomas likes the stature of Dave Campo outside of Texas Stadium."

Brandon Jacobs is a moose.  Yeah, they'll miss Tiki.

The Poobah is accused of being on the down low for mentioning Harry Potter. . . .  By his wife.

Fumble by Eli.  What poise!

Manning's arm is going forward.  If the Giants were playing the Raiders, there's no way that would be a fumble.

Reader on Suzy:  "I'd hit it.  Signed, Billie Jean King."

More and more readers insisting that Suzy had some type of plastic surgery.  (And a turkey baster is usually made of plastic, isn't it?)

Sunshine says the open palm rule means you have an open palm.  (Kornholio has an open palm, but only because James Denton isn't in the booth.)

A reader is contemplating suicide as an alternative to experiencing the three-hour Tiki Barber job interview.

Sunshine changes the subject when Clarence says it's the "empty hand" rule, not the "open palm" rule.

Roy Williams attempts to give Tiki a horse collar.

Reader on Suzy:  "I'd hit it.  Signed, Randy McMichael."

Readers are wondering whether Tiki's right ear is pierced.

Reader:  "Tiki goes through 'agony'?  Try working all year for $35,000."

Reader:  "Wow, that guy playing for the Giants looks a lot like the guy who caught two of my touchdown passes yesterday.  Signed, D-Mac."

Reader:  "Clarence Thomas is working on a coffee table book about punters."

Reader:  "I tried to hit that?  Signed, Joe Namath."

Good point from a reader -- Ronde has more touchdowns this year than Tiki.

TacoBill:  "Tiki goes through 'agony'?  Try working for PFT."

Kornholio says that Bledsoe is immobile as "the actual Statue of Liberty."

Safety -- Arrington flattens Bledsoe.

How about "Bledsoe of Liberty" as his new nickname?  We likes it.

Reader:  "Shouldn't it be Bledsore of Liberty?"

Reader:  "Why would you pass from your own one with Bledsoe at quarterback?  It makes more sense to just ask the ref to give the Giants a deuce."

Reader:  "Wow.  LaVar Arrington is still in the league."

Reader:  "LaVar has 6.5 million less reasons to live.  Signed, the Postons."

Gee, the Giants sacked Mike Vick seven times.  Who would have guessed they'd be all over Bledsoe.

Eli throws into triple coverage deep.

A reader asks why defenders always make the safety signal when a guy is tackled in the end zone.  Do offensive players make the touchdown signal when the team scores?

Eli gets sacked by his own guy.

Sunshine is being a smartass about Manning getting yanked for Jared Lorenzen after Eli is sacked; the sock puppets are arguing about whether Romo should get into the game.

Bachelor update from Dante:  One of the chicks said "What's up bitches?" to the other women. 

Reader:  "I tried to hit it, but got fired.  Signed, Harold Reynolds."

Reader:  "Jared Lorenzen is too fat to play football.  Signed, Tony Siragusa."

A reader sick of listening to Sunshine and Kornholio has offered up his ears for Mike Tyson's dinner.

Sunshine says that Kevin Jones' brother is pretty good.

Kornholio is really stretching to make something out of the video clips of T.O.; "what a f--king asshole," said a league source via e-mail, in reference to Kornholio.

Great catch by Burress.  T.O. who?

Sunshine gets tongue tied.  He must have seen someone in a Giants 56 jersey.

Reader:  "If you're gonna hit her, then hit her ass.  Signed, Dennis Green."

Oh yeah, there's a game going on.  Giants inside the 20.  Soon to go up by 17.  No one could blow a 17-0 lead on Monday night, could they?

Reader:  "I tried to hit it, but my toupee got in the way.  Signed, Chris Berman."

Sunshine says that Eli Manning's brother Ricky might get suspended.

Sunshine says "all they did was flop it around" and "high and hard" in the same breath.

12-0 Giants.

Clarence Thomas says "it was leaking to the right."

Reader:  "I'd hit it, but she might hit me back.  Signed, Todd Pinkston."

Reader:  "I hit it last week.  The baby is due in July.  Signed, Matt Leinart."

Berman to Kolber:  "You're with me, Leather.  Face."

Great, Hank Williams, Jr. is the second quarter guest, which technically violates the provision in Kornholio's contract stating that no one else in the booth may have more hair on his face than Tony has on his head.

Another recommended nickname for the immobile Cowboys quarterback:  "Drew Bedsore."

Lawrence Taylor's name is mentioned again.  Sunshine is sweating like a Mexican with Steve Lyons' wallet.

Even when Bedsore isn't sacked, he is sacked.

Sunshine is an idiot -- the refs wouldn't call grasp and control on other guys?

Sunshine says that Mike Strahan has become the player that Tom Coughlin thought he would be when he drafted him.

Reader:  "I'd hit it, but she wouldn't let me.  So I broke into her apartment and took a crap in her closet.  Signed, Najeh Davenport."

Sunshine wearing a cowboy hat.  He looks like Billy Jerk.

"Brokeback Sunshine."

Even better -- "Brokeleg Mountain." 

Hank had better avoid any open flames with that hat after Sunshine gets done with it, given all of his hairspray.

Kornholio rips on Pink -- maybe we like this guy after all.

Hank Williams Jr. is the twin brother of Randy "Macho Man" Savage.  Or Ronde Barber.

A readers says that Suzy talks like Marge Simpson's sisters.   Hmmmh.

Reader:  "I was gonna take a dump but I didn't want to miss the insights of Hank Williams."

Joe has hat head.

Thank the Lord they got Hank out of there so fast.

Reader:  "Boy, Bledsoe gets sacked a lot.  Signed, Kurt Warner."

Why didn't the guys ask Hank Williams about his offseason?

Country singer Hank Williams Jr. today surrendered to cops on a warrant charging him with throttling a hotel waitress last month in Memphis. Williams, 56, is facing an assault rap for allegedly choking Holly Hornbeak during a March 18 confrontation in the Peabody Hotel lobby bar. According to a complaint affidavit, Hornbeak, 19, told cops that Williams (full name: Randall Hank Williams Jr.) verbally abused her and made other inappropriate comments during the bizarre incident. The tirade apparently began after a Williams crony asked Hornbeak if she knew who Williams was. When she said no, Hornbeak recalled, the singer replied, "I'm Hank Williams Jr., bitch." After Williams unsuccessfully tried to kiss her, the report states, he "grabbed her by the neck from behind, choking her."

Breaking news:  Hank gets a tryout with the Bengals tomorrow.  Then the Chargers.

Hey, it's the rap singer whose nickname we can't say without inciting a race riot!

A reader reminds us that in Week One Kornholio said that reputation plays no role when it comes to officiating.  Someone, get that on YouTube!

Nice catch by T.O. -- tried to stretch out like Plax.

T.O. pushed off.

Reader:  "Said Tony to Hank:  'Before you leave, can I touch your balls?'"

Cowboys are moving nicely. 

T.O. got flattened after stepping out of bounds.

Sunshine says you're live game if you keep running after stepping out of bounds -- how about the whistle blowing, Joe?

Sunshine tries to jinx Bedsore.

A reader thinks LaVar has a ruptured Achilles.  We didn't notice because we're ass deep in e-mails.

Touchdown -- good call.  Tip of the ball broke the plane.

Reader:  "I'd hit it.  After we have a few drinks.  Signed, Koren Robinson."

Merrill Hoge reports that Tiki Barber got hit hard in the head.

Sunshine jinxed Tiki by talking about how he doesn't fumble.  Too bad Chris Gardocki isn't playing tonight.

A reader thinks that Tiki was acting because he fumbled.

Jim Mora would kill to have those eyebrows.

Sunshine says Tiki fumbled because the ball wasn't wet enough.

Reader:  "I'd unplug it.  Signed, Terri Schiavo's husband."

Reader:  "I'd hit it.  But only if I could give an interview while doing so.  Signed, Tiki Barber."

Reader:  "I hit it.  Signed, Ed Werder. . . . ESPN has learned that Werder did not hit it."

Dante says:  "I should have hit it instead of going to GNC.  Signed, Shawne Merriman."

Giants intercept Bedsore deep in the New York end of the field.

Reader:  "Joey Harrington and Jeff Garcia wouldn't hit it.  Signed, Tony Siragusa and T.O."

The plural of foot is foots, believe Joey Sunshine.

Reader:  "Just remember who hit it first.  Signed, Ike Turner."

Tiki's back in the game -- so much for that "injury."

Reader:  "I'd hit it, after I finish puking.  Signed, Chris Henry and Donovan NcNabb."

Okay, we're taking a break from the hitting it to watch Rayfield Wright sweat a little.  Or a lot.

Tafoya asks yet another variation of "what's going through your mind," but is asking Troy Aikman to tell us what Bedsore is thinking.

From a reader:

I'm leaning towards hitting it -- Brett Favre
I may not hit it -- Brett Favre
I may or may not hit it -- Brett Favre
I'll hit it, but only one more time -- Brett Favre
I may or may not hit it again -- Brett Favre

Reader:  "I'd hit it, once October ends.  Signed, A-Rod."

Okay, we're back to the game now.  Until someone sends another funny "I'd hit it" line.

Giants putting a nice drive together.  Barber running well for a guy with a concussion.

Sunshine says that Barber is "using the ball as he runs with it."  For what?

Now we know why Bradie James plays defense.

Sunshine says that the Cardinals will regret not making that interception.

First half over.

Okay, last one -- verbatim from a reader:

"I'd hit it, if she were 47 stories tall.  Signed, Cory Lidle. . . .  I'm going to hell, aren't I?"

Mike Irvin says he doesn't want to beat a dead horse to death.  Oh, that "U" education shines through again.

Says a reader:  "But he'd love to have some smoking crack to smoke."

A reader wants to know whether Chris Berman is trying to grow a moustache.  "Or is it pine tar?  Or the remnants of a Dirty Sanchez?"

Merrill Hoge reports that the Cowboys helmets are really shiny.

A reader says that Tiki Barber is listed as questionable on the Colts injury report.

A reader says that the Bedsore of Liberty's touchdown run looked like video of the Saddam Hussein statue toppling in Baghdad.

A reader says that his son asked him what a Dirty Sanchez is.  Touche.  (Dude, put the kid to bed.)

A reader wonders whether Stu Scott dresses up as a pirate on Halloween.

Third quarter -- ROMO TIME!!!!

First pass, intercepted.  The fans are chanting for Bedsore.

Touchdown Giants:  Eli to Shockey.

Revised drinking game:  Take a gulp whenever they show Bedsore pouting on the sidelines.

Suzy says that LaVar Arrington has a ruptured Achilles.  So much for that incentive-heavy contract.

More readers insist that Suzy had her eyes done.  I think she had her waddle worked on, too.

Reader:  "Suzy must be feeling pressure to keep up with that fine piece of ass known as Michelle Tafoya."

Great catch by T.O.

A reader asks when Skeletor got a sideline pass for NFL games.

Reader:  "I'd stab it.  Then plead to obstruction of justice."

Sunshine mentions that T.O. had surgery during the bye week, but omits the whole overdose thing.

Fourth down, Cowboys going for it.

"OWENS!  OWENS! HE DROPPED IT!  HE DROPPED IT!"

Reader:  "Todd Pinkston looks good in a Cowboys uniform."

Reader:  "T.O. should have tried to catch that one with his mouth."

Merrill Hoge reports that Terrell Owens dropped that last pass.

A media guy says that Roger Staubach can sympathize with Romo seeing a guy drop a pass between the "8" and the "1".  (Think Super Bowl XIII.)

Kornholio wants to talk dancing with Emmitt.

How about the game, guys?

Okay, the world really is ending.  The game is going on and they're TALKING . . . ABOUT . . . F--KING . . . BALLROOM . . . DANCING.

Reader:  "T.O. to Tuna:  'You got 10 years worth of film on me you didn't need to see me in practice to know I drop easy passes!'"

Clarence Thomas broaches a touchy subject with Emmitt about "leaving" Dallas; as if he had a choice.

Reader:  "Merrill Hoge reports that Emmitt Smith has a really big head."

Clarence Thomas thinks Emmitt got the all-time rushing record with Arizona?  George Bodenheimer should fire this guy right now.

Reader:  "Tafoya to Emmitt:  'What was going through your head as you shit all over your legacy by playing out the string in Arizona?'"

Sunshine says the offensive line in New York has improved; they were so bad last year that Tiki only gained more than 1,800 yards rushing.

Sunshine says Ronde is Tiki's "little brother."  As in "identical twin little brother."

Many readers want to see Parcells give Jerry Jones the whistle right now and leave.

Brandon Jacobs does "the sprinkler" on the star.

Reader:  "And George Teague comes out of the stands to tackle him."

26-7.  Kornholio is campaigning for the game to be called.  Denny Green agrees.  Who could ever come back from 19 points down with only a few minutes left in the third quarter?  (Tony has a real knack for enticing folks on the East Coast to conclude that they'll turn the game off and go to bed.  The sponsors have gotta love that.)

Yeah, that win against the Texans and T.O.'s three touchdowns solved everything for the Cowboys.

We can't wait to hear Irvin offer up explanations for Owens dropping the ball.

Clarence Thomas just mentioned the Ben Franklin Highway.

Speaking of things named after people, will they be naming anything in Dallas after Parcells once he loses tonight and falls to .500 during his time with the 'Boys?

T.O. slips and falls.  It's that new turf, says Sunshine.

Sunshine makes no f--king sense when explaining why tall guys are more likely to fall.

We're getting e-mails from Cleveland that Mo Carthon is out as the Browns offensive coordinator.

Clarence Thomas ponders whether a team down by 19 would go for two when scoring.  Idiot.

What the hell was Owens doing after he scored?  Miming a seizure?

Quarterback draw for two points -- Joey Sunshine found an acorn.

"Tony Romo is the best running quarterback in the NFL," says Sunshine.

Giants lead, 26-15. 

We're getting reports that the site is crashing.  Bear with us.  We had 10,000 page views in 30 minutes.

Parcells is 1-26 while trailing by 19 or more in the fourth quarter, says ESPN.

Eli Manning just got sacked by the guy the Cowboys drafted instead of "Needles In."

Punt time for the Giants.  That ball wanted to squirt off of Newman's pads.

Is Kornholio related to Gene Wilder?

Skeletor is measuring his words carefully about the benching of Bedsore.

T.O. gets hit out of bounds by R.W. McQuarters.  Fifteen yards.

NO!  "WHAT GOES THROUGH YOUR MIND?"  Please, ESPN, even though we'd have nothing to criticize, we beg you to FIRE THEM ALL.

It looks like Suzy and Jerry Jones traded faces, like Travolta and Cage.

Romo is a young Favre.  Maybe he'll retire after this season.

Kornholio says "statuary"?  What the f--k is "statuary"?

Fred Robbins makes an interception.  Game over.  (But don't go to bed yet, folks.  We're still having fun with this.)

Romo proves he's a young Favre by throwing another interception.

A reader suggests that Troy Aikman be pressed into duty.

On that Samsung HDTV commercial, we want to know what the cheerleader is doing with that hair dryer.

And since it's showing the Chargers players, will we get some clear shots of the needles and the bullet holes?

Who's number three on the Dallas depth chart?

A reader says, "I don't know, but whoever it is, Kornheiser has him on his fantasy team."

Sunshine just called Terence Newman a pussy, in the nicest way possible.

Why in the hell is Tom Coughlin chewing gum?  Who does he think he is?  Kim Etheredge?

Feely nails a field goal.  29-15.  Less than four minutes to go.  Over.

A reader thinks that Terry Glenn is wearing a Buckeye sticker on his helmet.  That should cost him $5,000.

Romo is too reckless.  Just like young Favre.

Sunshine is now saying that Romo should be the guy, only a couple of hours after arguing that Bedsore shouldn't be benched.

T.O. needs another hydrocodone after that hit.

You know, Kornholio hasn't mentioned his fantasy team at all tonight.

And . . . and . . . done.

Reader:  "Lito Sheppard looks good in a Giants uniform."

Bledsoe's thinking:  "That wouldn't have been an interception returned for a touchdown if I was playing.  I would have been sacked."

If the Cowboys get pasted by the Panthers on Sunday night, Jerry Jones might fire Parcells.  Write it down.

Vinny Testaverde to be signed?

Our question to the powers-that-be at ESPN:  "What was going through your mind when hiring this cast of characters?"

Cue the useless Suzy Kolber puff piece.

Says a reader who also is a writer:  "Useless Suzy Kolber puff piece she got not from talking to anybody in preparation for the game, but punching Ronde and Tiki's names into Google and reading the same newspaper stories Bucs and Giants fans read weeks ago."

News flash:  Our biggest traffic day ever.  Third record in eight days.

A reader points out that Giants cornerback Sam Madison hasn't played a down in the second half, and there's been no mention from the sock puppets.

Several readers think R.W. McQuarters looks like the "Predator."

Okay, game over but hang around for the post game blog.

Merrill Hoge reports that the Giants beat the Cowboys.

We've gone from having no real opinion about Tiki Barber to despising him in one night.  Well done, ESPN.

A reader predicts that Mike Strahan will fare better in television that Tiki Barber ever will.

Stu Scott says:  "LaVar Arrington.  Torn Achilles.  Would not return."

Tiki is pissed that Strahan got the seat at the table with the sock puppets.

One last time, from a reader:

"I'd hit, if I could do it in my driveway with the media there and no shirt on and if she was wearing a T.O. mask.  Signed, T.O."

Bill Parcells has given up.  As one reader predicts, Jerry Jones will fire him if he gets any inkling that Parcells will quit.

Mortensen says that Parcells wanted to start the season with Tony Romo, but was afraid that Bedsore would retire.

The Playmaker has hardly nothing to say.

T.O. seems distracted.  I've suddenly got a feeling that Parcells strongly hinted and/or outright said in the locker room that he's going to pack it in.