WEEK FIVE 

Baltimore at Denver

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WHAT TIME IS IT?

Eastern or Mountain?

WHAT TIME IS IT?

8:22 p.m., if you're asking me for Eastern time.

ANY DOGS IN THE HOUSE?

No, actually.  There aren't.  They have a bad habit of sh-tting on the sofa.

ANY DOGS IN THE HOUSE?

Are you a murderer AND deaf?

Okay, enough of that crap.  Here we go.  Monday night Live Blog.  Baltimore and Denver.  Not a lot of scoring, which means plenty of chances to rip on Joey Sunshine.

Just heard from the guy who was playing the T.O. drinking game yesterday; he made it to work despite a hangover, telling his boss that he had 49,500 reasons to report for duty on time.

This just in -- it's been more than five years since Ray Lewis has (allegedly) killed anyone.

Hef!  That helmet is the hardest thing he's had in his hand in 30 years.

Why does the stupid intro not feature real NFL uniforms?

DeTirico shaved.  He couldn't buy beer without his man purse.

Didn't Kornholio used to sit in the middle at the open? 

Kornholio's monologue -- another pitch for an Emmy.

Nice rip on Denver, Tony.  Big difference between Green Bay and Denver. 

Plummer isn't as good-looking as Elway?  Elway makes Jerry Seinfeld look like Clark Gable.

Good point from a reader:  The Desperate Housewives skit was too racy for MNF, but giving some face time to the Grandfather of Porn is acceptable.  Go figure.

Suzy's coat makes her look like an overgrown muppet.  (Maybe she and Tafoya can be the female version of Ernie and Bert.)

Okay, who's the second quarter interview thing gonna be?  Our money is on Rex Grossman and Matt Leinart in split screen.

"Let's go get their ass," says John Lynch.

Hello, everyone.  We've already gotten like 50 e-mails and they haven't kicked off yet.  Oy!

Hank Williams, Jr. jumped the shark like 10 years ago -- too bad he hasn't come across a stingray.

It's raining; Shanahan's hair dye might run down his face tonight.

Says a reader regarding Tafoya's outfit:  "Somewhere in Denver a homeless man is naked."

Derrick Mason needs to "move it over" to the thesaurus.

Kenard Lang calls the D-backs "headhunters" -- the league office will love that one.

"Steve McNair is the best rushing quarterback in the National Football League."

Sacked on second and ten -- that's why teams usually run after an incompletion on first and 10.

The zebras look even more like jockeys with the rain gear shirts.  "It's Gore-tex," says Costanza.

A reader asks whether the sock puppets will mention the B.J. Sams DUI.  We've got a case of Old Milwaukee on the "no".

The defense is "organized chaos"; the broadcast team is "disorganized chaos."

Thanks for explaining the hard count, Joe -- but try not to yell into the old guy's ear, his diaper is about four hours old.

Turnover for the Broncos; nice recovery by the Ravens.  He "tap-toed" on the sidelines, says Sunshine.  (Must be something you do after your leg has been shattered by L.T., says a reader.)

A reader opines that Joe Buck likes "hard counts."  (And dukes.)

Tony, who's on your fantasy team tonight?

Says a reader, "These guys are great at talking without saying anything."

Crap, we're not saying much about the game.  Ravens inside the Denver 30.  First down.

Heap catches one down to the 20.

First words out of Jeff Fisher's mouth when Suzy called, "How can I help you, sir?"

Ravens get another first down, inside the 15.

"Screw Shanahan's hair," says a reader.  "That rain is gonna warp his wooden teeth."

Easier to grip a ball in the rain, Joe?  Really?

A reader suggests that Suzy wears a turtleneck to conceal her Adam's apple.  (Man, that is cold. . . .  We wish we'd thought of it.)

Keep the e-mails coming.  This thing pretty much writes itself.  (That doesn't mean we're giving out free Sprint phones.)

Mark Clayton pussyfoots instead of plowing for the sticks -- fourth down for the Ravens.

There's a booger on the lens for the camera that showed the field goal.  When did Tony Siragusa start working for ESPN?

Ravens up, 3-0.  So much for that over/under of 5.25.

We got a funny e-mail about the reason for the blur on the camera that we just cannot use.  But would love to.

A Bucs fan says, "I'm glad we got rid of Lynch.  Man is he old.  He's so much worse than those two matadors we now have playing safety in Tampa."

A reader asks why Jim Mora Jr. is in the commercial with Captain Kirk.

Here we go with the Tony fantasy team.  Why in the hell does he have Mike Anderson?

We've finally figured it out.  ESPN is having Kornholio talk about the fantasy team so ESPN can pimp its fantasy service.

Good point from a reader -- no mention of Lord Favre yet.  ("He's still recovering from last week's ballcuzzi," says a reader.)

Chris "Keep It Pimpin'" McAlister?

A reader notes that Morty Seinfeld would love tonight's game.

A reader says that they should have used mug shots when introducing the Ravens defense.

A reader says that no one will be visiting the booth tonight because there's an "issue" with Kornholio's colostomy bag.

Plummer threw a beautiful pass . . . to Samari Rolle.

A reader in Canada says that the announcers sound bad even up there.  (Happy Thanksgiving to our friends up north, eh.)

Says a reader:  "Would any self-respecting Italian family be caught dead eating at the Olive Garden? Wouldn't it be like Louisianians ordering 'Cajun' anything at Applebees?"  (You're right -- we only buy our pasta at Bob Evan's.)

Mike Anderson gets a first down -- the Ravens put him in just for Tony.

First quarter in the books.  I swear we've already gotten 200 e-mails.

A reader suggests a drinking game based on the number of times they mention John Elway's name.

Kim Etheredge says she loves how Mother Natue can affect a game.

Florio Jr. just threw a football at me and knocked my 44-ounce Pepsi/Diet Pepsi blend over, right by the official PFT laptop.  Crisis narrowly averted.

Second quarter up.

A reader says that this blog is like Mystery Science Theater 3000 for football.  We're trying to figure out whether that's a compliment or an insult.

Sunshine has been nuzzling the Ravens offense all game, and now says they have to stop "messing up things." 

Kornholio after a week on the Ravens' roster.

Broncos gain only nine yards in the first half.  Shanahan is ordering Chinese food for halftime.

Nice run by Tatum Bell gets them out of the shadow of their end zone.

The Ravens defenders "run themselves out of position" -- every team should have that problem.

Tatum Bell looks great all of a sudden, and that means a fumble is coming.

A reader says that Ed Hochuli was supposed to ref this game but his contract states that he cannot wear a baggy top.

"Comes to the bench for a blow" -- when did Jillian Barberie get hired by the Broncos?

Second quarter . . . where is the useless celebrity?

Says a reader, "Sounds like Florio Jr. can play quarterback for the Broncos."

NO!  NO!  NO!

JAMES DENTON?!?  WHO IN THE F--K IS JAMES DENTON?

A reader asks for a Bachelor update from Dante.

Holy crap.  More time spent talking over the game.

Tony asks if it's a good idea being in a coma.  He's been in one when writing his columns for the past year.

Tony has a man crush on this guy.  (Says a reader, "Maybe he'll make him some peanut butter sandwiches when they go rock climbing.")

Guys, ABC doesn't own the rights to the game anymore.  If they wanted to pimp their crappy shows, they could have paid the $1.1 billion a year.

Says a reader, "So they are interviewing James Denton.  But what celebrity are they going to interview?"

A reader says that my Diet Pepsi/Pepsi blend is on par with Tony's bracelet on the gayness meter.

A reader thinks that Tony has his hand on Denton's thigh.

DeTirico said, "For those of you who watch 'Desperate Housewives.'  He might just as well have said, 'For those of you who do not have a penis.'"  (That was from a reader.)

A reader asks, "When did MNF become The View?"

James Denton has a wife.  A wife with a large schlong.

Meanwhile, the Broncos are putting a nice drive together.

Oh, now the ESPN show plug from Mr. Denton.

Joey Sunshine thinks he's funny -- "They kayak across the desert?"

Why does Joey have a football nearby?  Is that like his blanky?

A reader wants someone to tell Kornholio that facial hair AND head hair grow while in a coma, in the hopes that Tony will voluntarily induce one for himself.

Elam nails a 43-yard field goal.  3-3.

A reader noticed that DeTirico was rubbing his hands together when Kornholio asked that Denton guy about "hot babes."

A reader asks, "What's Desperate Housewives?  A union?"

A reader swears that DeTirico referred to Al Wilson as "Al Roker."  (At least he didn't call him "Ben Franklin.")

Joey implies that Jamal Lewis is getting less touches than last year because Musa Smith is healthy; last year the guy holding Jamal down was Chester Taylor.

Dante says he watches Desperate Housewives, confirming for the world that he has no penis.

A reader asks if T.O. has caught a pass yet.

The reader retracts the Al Roker thing.  He checked it out on TiVo.  Maybe he said Mark McEwen.

Joey reminds us that the ball is wet.

A reader is dreading the verbal sex acts that Joey Sunshine will perform next year on Brady Quinn.

A reader points out that Musa Smith has 52 yards in four games -- that really has cut into Jamal Lewis' production.

With what appendage is Tafoya holding that umbrella?

Great catch by Derrick Mason.  Ravens are on the move.  (Sorry we're not saying much about the game.  We're like Lucy and the candy conveyor belt with these damn e-mails.)

The play is under review.

Bachelor update from Dante:  "The guy has chicks throwing themselves at him, but I think he likes the dude who is hosting the show the best."

Kornholio pokes fun at Sunshine for saying that Mason had "three feet in."

Kornholio is praying that they declare the game is over so he can go change his diaper.

Says a reader:  "You need to get a few stooges like Jim Rome uses to handle the emails so you can enjoy the game -- from the asshole who keeps sending you so many useless messages."

Nice pick by Champ Bailey -- a reader asks when Drew Bledsoe got traded to the Ravens.

First half over.  Tied at 3-3.  The Jax-Steelers game is looking like a barnburner.

Update on Joe Torre's future -- "he'll continue to get older and older until he dies."

Starring in the next Indiana Jones movie, Chris Berman.  He bought that hat at the same place Jaws bought his glasses.

Actual conversation between Brian Billick and his conscience, per a reader with psychic abilities:

Billick: "What side do we throw the fade too?"

Conscience: "I don't know . . . who is on the opposite side of Bailey?"

Billick: "I don't know . . .  never heard of him."

Conscience: "Okay, lets go at Bailey."

This just in from a reader:  Joe Torre has been named offensive coordinator of the Raiders.

Mike Anderson entered the Ravens locker room at halftime and said, "Why the f--k am I here?"

A reader thinks that the real meaning of the term "fastest three minutes in television" is Kornholio's halftime rendezvous with James Denton in the men's room at Invesco.

Stu Scott's eyeball is very disturbing in HD.

Great point from a reader -- How does the NFL feel about ESPN pimping during a game a show that's kicking the sh-t out of Sunday Night Football in the ratings?

Funniest moment of the weekend:

From our friends at CFT.

Many readers asking about the Diet Pepsi/Pepsi blend.  It's just enough of a sugar-and-caffeine combination to help me type really fast.  (And it's great for playing Frogger.)

Third quarter starts.  Okay, we're going to pay closer attention to the game.

Says a reader:  "I'm standing behind my TV yet somehow Stu Scott's eye is looking at me."

Very lame "Temptations" reference by Kornholio.

They're talking about the one-cut rushing scheme -- good chance to explain why the Texans didn't take Reggie Bush.

Broncos have to punt.

Joey Sunshine said offensive linemen move like a quartet -- unfortunately there are FIVE of them.  (Joey's response, per a reader:  "I didn't count the tight end because he's an eligible receiver.")

Apparently, Kornholio is wearing a bomber jacket over his shirt and tie.  He's embarrassing us, and we're not even one of his kids.

The turnover wasn't in the red zone, Mike -- it was in the end zone.

Suzy's wig is getting wet.

My gosh, she'd be perky if she were being tortured.

Ravens go no-huddle, but can't do anything.

Great shot of Billick releasing a loogie.

Ravens punt.  Broncos have the ball.  11:24 to go in the third quarter.

Joey says "points are at a premium"; several readers ask whether he's referring to points on the scoreboard or intelligent points made in the booth.

A reader wishes that the elephant in the HDTV commercial would make like "Stampy" from The Simpsons and eat the girl.

Jake Plummer did a nice job of hiding the ball -- he put it in his coochie.

Sunshine says it would be foolish to go with Jay Cutler seconds after suggesting that Jake Plummer sucks.

Ray Lewis was just about to kill Jake Plummer.  Without a knife.

"Jake couldn't get it up in time" -- maybe he should borrow some pills from Hef.

Another punt.  DeTirico actually thinks that the Broncos might not make Todd Sauerbrun the punter when his suspension ends.

Great point from a reader -- why won't the sock puppets mention that the departure of Gary Kubiak might have something to do with the team's struggles on offense?

Nice video of Steinbrenner trying to get back to his office so he can eat that calzone.

Fumble by McNair.  Yeah, he's a lot better than Kyle Boller.

Sunshine says the ball got knocked away because it's slippery.

Gerard Warren couldn't get to the ball because it wasn't deep fried in chocolate sauce.

A reader says that the only snow we'll see in Denver tonight is the stuff going up Michael Irvin's nose.

A reader suggests that Brian Billick is developing "bitter beer face."

Another punt.  Another flag during the return.

Says a reader:  "Sunshine thinks the Bears are the best team in football -- so he's picking the Cardinals to beat them next Monday night."

We missed Sunshine use the phrase "swarming awareness."

Kornholio tries his best to stay awake.

Carmelo Anthony is trying to have it both ways.  (And based on that coat he's planning on going both ways.)

Wow.  Broncos get a first down.

"I don't know nothing about them" -- a great endorsement for a Syracuse education.

A reader reports that Ben Roethlisberger was just sacked by the Chargers.

More waffling from Sunshine on whether it's easy to throw a wet ball.

Says a reader:  "Maybe 'Melo can teach youths that if they snitch they'll get a cap in their ass."  (Asks a reader, what the hell is a "yoof"?)

Sunshine says it's the same defense on either side -- no, Joe, it isn't.

Way to throw the ball to the sticks on third down, Jake.

A reader just had a horrendous thought:  What if Rita Cosby was working in the MNF booth?

Says a reader:  "I really have to pee but I'm afraid I'll miss a punt."

Did Sunshine say ACLS when he tried to say ALCS?  If only he'd get ALS . . . .

We just saw Kornholio's bomber jacket.  He should shave off that collar and fashion it into a toupee.

Sunshine offering up some lame-ass nicknames for the Ravens defense.  (How about "Murderers' Row"?)

A reader says that Jamal Lewis is having flashbacks to prison, given all of the guys that are on top of him.

A reader reports that T.O. still hasn't caught a pass.

A reader suggests "Obstruction of Justice Row" as an alternative nickname for the Ravens' defense.

Mike Anderson is "running with a purpose" -- yeah, to get back to the Denver sideline and blend in.

A reader suggests changing the name "Joey Sunshine" to "Joey Sh-thead."

Several readers want us to launch a campaign to get Sunshine and Kornholio fired.  Guys -- what would we do if they weren't in the booth?  Watch the game?

Todd Heap, so unaccustomed to seeing a ball in the air for more than 0.1 seconds, has trouble adjusting to it.

Another drive dies.  Could it be a 3-3 overtime tie?

Ten-yard punt from Sam Cooke/Kock/C-ck.  The shank almost killed one of the men working on the chain . . . gang.

Lewis wouldn't have dropped that pass if it were soap in the prison shower.

DeTirico just said "unsexy" -- not the best choice of words for a former alleged sexual harasser.

Nice run from Plummer.  Nice fumble, too.

We don't need more cow bell.

A reader offers to buy 100 PFT shirts and a Sprint phone if we can get Kornholio and Sunshine fired.

Suzy called Brian Urlacher and the first thing out of his mouth was, "What's up, dude?"  (She has used that "first thing out of his mouth" bit twice tonight -- and she's only spoken like five times.)

A reader predicts that Berman won't say to Kornholio, "You're with me, leather."

"Jake Plummer is the best rushing quarterback in the NFL," says Sunshine.

Great throw by Plummer -- the guy can't throw a screen without making his receiver jump for it, and get smacked.

44-yard field goal to take the lead.  Sunshine thinks Ed Reed can block it.

Good.  6-3 Broncos.  Eight minutes left.

"Is it over?" Kornholio will be asking.  "Can we say it's over now?"

Wouldn't the guy who does the DirecTV commercials for the Superfan package be 100 times better in the booth than the current group?

"Over the course of a game, the quarterback has to make two plays."  Did Sunshine really say that?

Wow -- they mentioned the B.J. Sams DUI arrest.  Of course, they waited until 90 percent of the audience went to bed.

With all this talk about how well Steve McNair plays in the fourth quarter, why not use Kyle Boller for the first three?

Sunshine says Derrick Mason is the guy who almost scored the tying touchdown in Super Bowl XXXIV.  The bastard just flat-out guesses sometimes, doesn't he?  (It was Kevin Dyson -- how does a guy who follows the NFL for his f--king job not know that?)

Champ Bailey just laid on Derrick Mason.  No call.  (Replay shows it was actually a good non-call.)

Maybe they should just use Boller in the fourth quarter, too.

Several readers cracking on Kornholio for leaving out the "l" when saying the word "calm."

DeTirico acts like having only nine total points is a good thing.

27-yard gain on a pass to Javon Walker.  Broncos are close to icing it.

A reader predicts that Joey Sunshine thinks Warren Moon returned the kickoff for the touchdown in the Music City Miracle game.

Finally -- Lord Favre is mentioned.

John Lynch has a pinched nerve in his neck.  The trainers were "touching and pressing."  ("I think it moved," he said to Jerry.)

Tatum Bell bulls his way to a first time -- this one is soon gonna be over.

Sunshine said that Javon Walker's knee got stronger after surgery.  As a reader points out, "If that was true wouldn't every player have a new ACL put in?"

Ray Lewis has the ball -- and the guy who previously had it is bleeding profusely from the abdomen.

The dude in the dress in that Mac commercial is only slightly less masculine than tonight's sideline reporters.

Touchdown pass to Rod Smith.  Game over.  12-3 pending the extra point.

Rod Smith has a higher winning percentage than Jerry Rice.  As if one receiver is really the reason for a team's overall record.

Ravens, you've scored three points all game.  You're not gonna score ten in 80 seconds.

A reader says that Danny DeTirico just said that the stature at the top of the scoreboard is John Elway.

Says a reader:  "I was going to e-mail some comments tonight, but then I realized this is the worst football game ever played.  Watching Joey Sunshine argue with himself about Jake Plummer makes me want to put a gun in my mouth."  (Another reader says he shouldn't do it -- he must have at least 25,000 reasons to be alive.)

Suzy talking about ordering off of the menu in another language.  "How do you say 'bearded clam' in French?" she asks.

Another pick from McNair.  Game over.

Says a reader, "I bet Rick Neuheisel didn't put money on the Ravens tonight."

"What was going through your mind?"  Anyone who asks that question right after a game should be fired on the spot.

Champ Bailey couldn't get away from Suzy fast enough; he must be allergic to Aqua Velva.

We just spun back the TiVo -- Ray-Ray looked way too happy for a leader of a team that is getting it's ass kicked.

A few parting shots:

1.  Baltimore's offense is far from being any better than it has been in past years.

2.  Denver is once again just good enough to lose in the playoffs.

3.  We predict that Jake Plummer eventually will become the starter in Houston after he's run out of Denver.

That's all for tonight.  Thanks for helping us to even more traffic than the day of the T.O.O.D. coverage.

Same time next week -- Bears at Arizona.