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Buccaneers at Panthers

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We're back for another Live Blog, folks.  It's the 2-6 Bucs at the 4-4 Panthers in another game that makes ESPN wonder what in the hell it was thinking when it agrees to pay $1.1 billion per year for broadcast rights that didn't include flexible scheduling.

Tampa at Carolina.  The Revenge of the Spleen Bowl.  We'll have sporadic updates until 8:30 p.m. EST, at which time we'll hit it full speed for the full game.

Why in the hell does ESPN bring two separate sideline reporters to cover the teams in the two hours leading up to the game, when they've already got two sideline reporters during the game who hardly say much of anything worth a crap during the three-plus hours broadcast?

Ron Jaworski isn't wearing his ladies glasses tonight.  Maybe he has developed an alter ego.  "Jaws" wears the masculine frames and "Ronda" wears the Gloria Vanderbilts.

Sal Paolantonio reports that Bruce Gradkowski coughs up a little Polish stew before each game.

Michael Irvin put Ocho Stinko on his Playmakers list, even though the guys on the list are supposed to have played for the winning team (Irvin didn't make a similar concession for Torry Holt when he lit up the 'Hawks several weeks back).

ESPN has video and audio of Ronde Barber getting burned a couple of times by Plaxico Burress.

Irvin's Playmakers feature is reloaded after some technical difficulties.

There's no need for a 90-minute pregame show on Monday night.  At times, it's like the guys are just sitting around talking about nothing.

The ESPN game crew isn't doing much to entice folks to watch the game by pointing out how bad the Tampa offense is.

Bruce Gradkowski is 75 percent Italian and 25 percent Polish.  Unfortunately for him, the 25 percent includes his brain.

(Says a reader in response to our crack:  "Yeah, the modern Italian man is known for his high intelligence.  You are a 12 pack and a long day on Cheat Lake from being Michael Irvin's long lost brother.")

Leonard Little is surely gonna be fined for putting his helmet in Seneca Wallace's chin.

Another teaser for the No. 1 Jacked Up play.  The suspense is f--king killing us.

Ed Werder says that the Panthers could "reassess" the quarterback position after the season.

Sal Paolantonio says that Jon Gruden has made reference to the Revenge of the Spleen in order to get his team fired up.

ESPN recycles an old interview of Chris Simms; he says his injury came early in the game.

Please, Bristol, spare us the dramatic music.

Mort says he thinks the Bucs will make Chris Simms an offer after 2006, when he becomes a free agent.  (We think it will be a tad south of the $10 million bonus that Simms rejected in the offseason.)

Gee, here's a shock -- all of the sock puppets are taking the Panthers.

Game on -- cure DeTirico.

Tirico's concentrated TV voice is a bit much.

Jack Black and the bald guy from Elf?  Actually a pretty funny intro.  (Is it just us or does Jack Black play the exact same character in everything that he does?)

Tirico is letting his hair grow out.  Where it actually grows, that is.

Reader:  "I'm a Tampa fan. I just hope we don't get our spleens handed to us on national television."

Joey Sunshine says a lot of words that make sense only when viewed four or five at a time.

Kornholio says that Chris Simms' spleen "exploded." 

Why does Kornholio get pictures and graphics for his monologue and Sunshine doesn't?  (Actually, we don't mind it, because otherwise we'd have to look at Kornholio.)

A reader predicts that one of the sock puppets will exclaim "Holy Toledo!" at some point before the end of the first quarter.

Suzy is back, and she's borrowing a nun's weekend-off outfit.

Tafoya says that the entire Panthers' defense went out to dinner . . . together.  Wow!  Riveting!  That's never been done before.

Next up -- Hank Williams, Jr. bitch.

A reader points out that Clarence Thomas professed his love for Amsterdam.

A reader suggests new lyrics for the Hank Williams Jr. song:

Bucs punt.  Panthers on offense.

Jake Delhomme is Gomer Pyle.

Steve Smith pushed off.  No flag.  Unreal.

Sunshine recommends jamming Steve Smith at the line.  Kornholio prefers doing it in the locker room.

Hey, it's Tiki Barber!

Says a reader:  "Whatever wax Ronde Barber uses on his head I want for my car."

The Panthers fans aren't booing . . . they're chanting "you guys suck."

Panthers punt.  This is last week's game without all the rain and the coffee references.

Gradkowski tackles Cadillac.

Suzy reports that Jon Gruden yells.  Thanks for that news flash.

Man, the dude in the stands with the blue 89 jersey looks just like Steve Smith.

Gamble goes nowhere with the punt return.

Nine minutes, three punts. 

Opines a reader:  "I think that Suzy Kolber must have slept with someone in the league office.  That would explain why the games on ESPN are so crappy."

More boos for the home team.

Sunshine mentions the Panthers' poor third-down conversion rate . . . on first down.

Keyshawn's sure hands come through for him again.  Bucs recover the fumble.

Galloway catches one, because he didn't have to actually move his arms to catch it.

Tafoya tries to make a lame connection between Keyshawn's newfound aggression and his fumble. 

Gradkowski to Hilliard for a touchdown.  6-0 Bucs.

Kornholio and Sunshine argue like an old married couple.

DeTirico makes a "Rocket" reference.

We're really not interested in seeing any more of Jack Black's ass than we already do when his hair isn't in his face.

It's nice that Carolina puts an "NFL" logo at the 50.  We thought for a minute it was the USFL.

More boos as the Panthers cannot establish the run.

The former No. 1 pick in the draft catch can an over the shoulder pass?

The sock puppets are still talking about Keyshawn Johnson five plays later.

Another punt for the Panthers.

Great punt coverage by the Bucs.

Kornholio says that Jon Gruden is "studying to be a pirate."

Kornholio pimps the movie "Dodgeball."

Why is Gradkowski wearing a turtle neck?  To protect his spleen?

Several readers not that Jon Gruden would benefit from some Crest White Strips.

Second quarter.

Suzy talks about a game from two years ago.

Joey Galloway short arms one.

Another punt.

A reader points out that Bruce Gradkowski has lost his hair faster than Andre Agassi on steroids:

DeAngelo fumbles, but it looks like he was down.

Clarence Thomas says he "pulled it out of there."

Bruce Allen told Jon Gruden to throw the flag because Allen thought that call was a bunch of macacaw.

Clarence Thomas says that "the action is happening on the back side."

Alright -- Butch Davis has found another program to completely f--k up.

Another fourth down for the Panthers.

Jeff Gordon coming up in the booth.  A reader predicts he'll say that he's a big fan of the Charlotte Bobcats.

Kornholio talks about American Idol.

More talking over the action.  We don't care about the NASCAR point system.

Sunshine says he got a chance to drive a race car.  Too bad he didn't break his leg while getting in.

Gordon rips on how slow Sunshine drove.

So much for Steve Smith vowing never to return punts again.

Reader:  "Jeff, you seem too tense.  Have a drink.  Signed, Christian Slater."

A reader suggests that the next sexually ambiguous North Carolinian in the booth should be Clay Aiken.

Keyshawn doesn't drop this one.

Holy crap, how freaking gay.  They gave Jeff Gorden a Belgian waffle maker.

Bucs almost pick off Jake Delhomme. 

A couple of readers are calling on us to pull the plug on the blog again, in protest of the crappy matchup.

The fans give some snide applause to the Panthers for getting a first down.

Brian Kinchen thinks that Jeff Gordon looks kinda gay.

Gordon says he's a die hard San Francisco fan.  Earnhardt fans everywhere say, "We knew it!"

A reader says that Sunshine didn't like driving a race car because he couldn't hear himself think.

Nice tackle by Torrie Cox on Steve Smith.

Another fourth down for the Panthers.

Kornholio said "ebullient."

Clarence Thomas steals Berman's line.

After the comparison of Gradkowski to WPIAL greats like Joe Namath, a reader suggests that they either put Gradkowski in the Hall of Fame -- or get him liquored up and let him hit on Suzy Kolber.

A reader notes that the sock puppets over looked Marc Bulger, who has turned out to be a pretty good quarterback for the Rams.

Another reader notes that they also overlooked a guy named "Unitas."  (Never heard of him.)

Here's more -- they also overlooked Jim Kelly.

Pushing and shoving . . . maybe someone will kick someone else in the nuts.

That whole constantly pissed off routine by Gruden is so freaking old. 

Two minute warning.  The misery is almost halfway over.

How is that not simultaneous possession by Ken Lucas and Joey Galloway?  They both had two hands on the ball the whole time.

A reader says that pick was as good as a punt, so he's doing a shot.

Ronde Barber picks one off and then does something really gay with the ball.  Should be a penalty and a fine for using the ball as a prop.

Flag is thrown for "group demonstration."

Barber was knocked down by his own guy -- the whistle shouldn't have been blown.

Barber mouths something that we think includes the term "mutherf--ker."

Tampa on the move.

Another pick by Gradkowski.  He's looking more like Mike McMahon.

A reader points out that the puppets have spent so much time talking about how much these two teams suck that folks are changing the channels by the second.

Halftime.

Who gives a sh-t about the CFL playoffs?  (Especially when they passed over some NFL games.)

Berman says Joseph "Live and Let" Addai.  (We prefer Joseph "Eat Sh-t and" Addai.)

The No. 1 Jacked Up play was actually a pretty impressive hit from Shawntae Spencer on Jon Kitna.

Third quarter underway.

Panthers get the first chance to fail to make a first down.

Tafoya's wardrobe was assembled by a blind person.

"If you're just tuning in . . . ." says Clarence Thomas.  They should be more concerned about the folks who are tuning out.

Panthers finally get a deep ball to the best receiver in the league.

(There was definitely an "oh, f--k" as that ball was coming down.)

Keyshawn takes a pathetic dive.

Almost a pick on a batted ball.  Nice call on the incompletion.

Clarence suggests that the call of the incomplete pass could have been reviewed by replay -- we don't think that it could have been, since the play was whistled dead.

Kornholio makes reference to eating meat.

7-3 Bucs.

Says a reader:  "The sock puppets remind me that the Bucs are without Wynn, Rice, and Quarles more often than John Mellencamp reminds me that this is our country."

Great video of Steve Smith puking into a trash can.

Suzy is worthless.

Gradkowski's eye strips and his eyebrows are roughly identical in appearance.

A fumble by Gradkowski.

Panthers have the ball on the Tampa 44.

Keyshawn shows off those great hands again.

A reader thinks that Gradkowski has the letters "INT" tattooed on his leg.

Tafoya says that Steve Smith has continued to throw up.  (A reader suggests that she ask him what was going through his mind while he was puking.)

It makes sense that the most interesting thing about a game that induces puking is a fact that one of the participants has been puking.

Keyshawn dragged his elbow.  Clarence Thomas says that any body part other than the hand is sufficient.

A reader wants to know whether Steve Smith puked before sucker punching that teammate a few years back in the film room.

The ref explains that the play couldn't be reviewed because Carolina attempted to review a force out -- but why didn't Carolina challenge whether it was a catch?  And shouldn't they know that a force out call isn't subject to a challenge?

Panthers moving in to take the lead.

Inside the ten -- two cracks results in no points.

Keyshawn catches the go-ahead touchdown reception.

10-7  Panthers.  Game over?

Panthers defense made some good adjustments at halftime.

Bucs call for time out on third and four.  "That's a good job by Gradkowski," Sunshine says.  (Sure, Joe.  Tampa won't need those time outs late in the game or anything.)

Kris Jenkins playing Rock-'Em-Sock-'Em Robots before the game.

Panthers are back to doing not much of anything on offense.

A reader suggests that Bruce Gradkowski has some type of cancer and that his role as the starting quarterback of the Bucs is part of an elaborate Make-A-Wish Foundation thing.

Philip Buchanon runs 40 yards side to side while losing five on a punt return.

Shut up about the f--king dinner, Kornholio.

A reader sends us some NFL puke pics.

Even better one.

That's Drew Pearson, circa 1979.

Meanwhile, 17-7.  This one is over.

Readers are predicting that Jon Gruden is done after the season.

A reader suggests that Drew Pearson was puking because he had a glimpse into the future of who would eventually be wearing No. 88 for the Cowboys.

A reader suggests that the Bucs change their color scheme to silver and black.

Fourth quarter.  Panthers inside the five after a punt.  This one's over.

Real smart, play action on third and eight.  Yeah, that'll freeze the linebackers.

Oh wow, the Bucs gain 26 yards.  And another 19.

Bucs have a first down inside the 15.

Clarence Thomas speaks of a "piggyback" on Suzy.

Mike Alstott shows what he learned about catching a football from Keyshawn.

Way to throw to the sticks on fourth down, Bruce.

Bucs settle for three.  17-10 Carolina.

Hey, it could be worse for the Buccaneers.  This could still be their logo.

Steve Smith almost busts one.

Keyshawn does a nice job of avoiding the tackle on a quick pass.  First down.

Panthers finally discover a ground game.

Carolina keeps pounding the ball.

DeAngelo Williams didn't fumble earlier, Tirico.  It was ruled down by contact.  Glad to know you're paying attention to the game.

Steve Smith w-i-i-i-i-i-de open.  Game o-o-o-o-o-o-v-e-r.

Yeah, that Cover 2 is unstoppable.

Bucs down 14 with under three minutes to play.  Already out near the 50.

Here's Cade McNown losing his lunch long before he made plenty of Bears fans do the same thing.

TacoBill says that Tafoya reminds him of his seventh-grade gym teacher, who was a man.

The explanation for the inability to challenge the decision that the pass was incomplete is the precise reason why the bobbled pass in the first half wasn't reviewable, even though the puppets were suggesting that it should be reviewed.

"Jermaine" Trueblood "is living a nightmare," says Sunshine.  (If Trueblood isn't, he will be when he watches the TiVo of the game and hears his first name get butchered.)

Several readers think that Julius Peppers caught Gradkowski's face mask on the fourth-down sack.  We double-checked via TiVo.  It was not a face mask.

Sunshine says that Carolina's 5-4 mark gives them the "third best record in the NFC."  They're in a four-way tie for the fifth-best record.  What a dumbass.

Game over.  Panthers win.  Tafoya lining up Steve Smith for an interview.  There will be a "what was going through your head?" question.  We can't shut this down until we hear those words.

Here it comes.  She asks him about the puking.  He says he caught the flu from his daughter.

Wow!!!  No "what was going through your head?" question. 

Oh well.  On that note we'll wrap it up.  We think we need to go puke.