WEEK THIRTEEN EXTRA

Ravens at Bengals

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What if they played and NFL game and no one could watch it?  Well, they'd come to this here site and read our second-by-second account of the game.

Or they'd just watch My Name is Earl and The Office and catch the highlights on SportsCenter.

Regardless, we've decided to provide to the football-viewing faithful a live account of the second-ever regular-season game to be aired on the league's in-house network. 

Here we go.  You know the drill.  Periodic updates until kickoff, then it's a full-out sprint.

First observation -- the Vonage image on the television screen in front of the preview desk looks like ass.

Someone just yelled "Florida State sucks" while Deion was talking.

Do the viewers with the version of NFLN without the live game get to see the pregame show?  Based on the quality of it, maybe NFLN should charge extra for the ability not to air it.

Dallas Clark getting blown up again.  We can only imagine the amount of sh-t he has taken in the locker room over that commercial.

Next week, Browns at Steelers on Thursday night. 

Apparently, Mooch said earlier that he hugged Dick Vermeil in the shower during the 1999 season.

They're talking about the potential bad weather as if they're never played an NFL game in the rain before.

Why are these Marys wearing their overcoats for the pregame?

They did a three-hour pregame for this?  Is anyone who started watching the show from the start still awake?

The Vonage mugs are a little cheesy, too.

Mooch says if the Ravens don't clinch the division tonight, they'll do it next week.  Wrong.  This is a two-game swing game.  If the Ravens win, they go up by four with four to play, and own the tiebreaker.  If they lose, they'll be up by two with four to play.

We hear that before the game Ray Lewis will repeatedly ask his teammates, "What time is it?" 

A reader suggests that Vonage should use its sponsorship of a game seen in roughly 10 percent of the U.S. as evidence of another stupid decision.

Some lame signs from the Cincy fans.

Nick Lachey singing the National Anthem.  They should book him for a Cowboys game.

Hey -- those army guys didn't take their hats off.

Neither did the flying nun. 

Ain't that America . . . right hand over heart, and left hand on a beer.

Free streaming of tonight's game?  (http://streamednfl.blogspot.com/)  Yeah, the NFL will allow that site to exist for maybe five seconds.

"The Jungle beginning to congeal," says Rich Eisen.  (Man, I already miss Kornholio.)

Reader raises a good point -- they're acting like this is the freaking Super Bowl.

Man, we're already getting a lot of e-mails tonight.

Gumbel apparently hasn't made it through puberty in the past week.

Hey -- just found out that the game is in HD on DirecTV Channel 95.  Just in time to see the undulations of Cris Collinsworth's Adam's apple, which is only slightly smaller than Suzy Kolber'd.

"Vivid, exciting, luxurious HD," says Gumbel.

Bengals win the toss, and get past the 30.  (We'll try to talk more about the game than usual since so many of you aren't able to see it.)

Palmer to Ocho Stinko for 16 yards on first down.

Rudi Johnson goes nowhere.  Second down.

Henry drops a low pass.  Didn't puke when he bent over for the attempt.

No huddle.  3rd and nine.

Palmer short-hops Ocho Stinko.

Gumbel says that the Bengals "will turn it over on downs."  (Um, no.  They'll punt.)

A reader notices that Palmer didn't firmly plant his left leg on that pass attempt.

The Motorola commercial with Dungy is pretty good.

Skyline of Cincy looks great in HD.

First down from the 20, Jamal Lewis runs for 15.

Lewis goes nowhere on first down.

Great point from a reader -- why is the line of scrimmage red instead of blue?

Delay of game on Ravens.  It'll be second and 15.

Listening to Gumbel's voice is like drinking a glass of tap water on a full stomach.

Third and long, Ravens don't convert; pass reception comes up way short.  Time to punt.

Punt is downed just inside the 20.

Several readers say Gumbel's voice can't be heard.

First down, Palmer throws deep into double coverage to Ocho.  Gumbel never says who the ball was thrown to.

Rudi Johnson goes nowhere on second and 10.

A reader says that his German Shepherd can hear Gumbel just fine.

On third down, T.J. catches short pass and nearly gets first down.

Got a very favorable spot and nearly got the first down.

Lewis thinking about challenging the spot -- he shouldn't because he'll lose it.

"Why do crowds cheer when their coaches challenge?" asks Gumbel.  (Um, maybe because it gives them hope for a better outcome from the last play?)

A reader thinks that Robin Roberts is doing the play-by-play.

A reader says that Gumbel's voice makes him wish that his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandma hadn't slept with anyone.

Challenge denied.  Fourth down.

The sock puppets seem perplexed by the process of moving the ball from the sideline spot to the hash mark spot.

Collinsworth seems to forget that McNair and the Titans were driving for a tie, not the win, in Super Bowl XXXIV.

Ravens complete a pass to the 40.  Next play, Jamal Lewis loses a couple of yards.

Time out Ravens.  7:46 to play in the first quarter.  Scoreless.

Short pass to Derrick Mason.

McNair on third down throws ball to no one in particular.

Gumbel once again says that a team "will give it up on downs."  (No -- they'll punt.)

Gumbel calls a punt angled inside the 20 a "shank."

It's Dallas Clark getting blown up again.

Gumbel calls it a "game of field position" -- no, the teams are consistently starting at their own 20 or so, with no one getting any field position advantage.  (Okay, we know we're being picky but this guy is driving up nuts.)

First down Bengals on a pass to T.J. Whosyourgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgrandma.

Second down and 7 for Bengals.  Johnson gains three.

Nice catch by T.J., for a first down.

Short pass to Johnson for a few yards.  Palmer is looking a little high on the short passes.

Sopcast.org also has a free stream of the game.

Pass to Stinko on third and one.  Stinko nearly gets his legs broken.

Another pass to Stinko.

Gumbel has no emotion whatsoever in his voice.  Under any circumstances.

Stinko again.  Inside the ten.

Touchdown Stinko.  Flag on Stinko for pushing off.

Henry looking for a flag on a pass to the end zone.  He's right, actually. 

First quarter over soon.  No score.  Third and goal for Bengals when play resumes.

Man, significant praise for America's Game NFLN.  Why in the hell did they bury it on Friday night?

Second quarter starts.  Gumbel really is awful.  Stinko was cheating forward before the snap -- that rarely gets called.

Pass incomplete.  Field goal time.

Good.  3-0 Bengals.

Ravens will start inside their own 20.  Personal foul on Baltimore.  Ravens will be inside the 10.

A reader wants to know if the NFL "handpicked" next Thursday night's Browns-Steelers gem.

First down for Ravens near the 20 after a pass to Mark Clayton.

Jamal Lewis goes nowhere on first down.

Derrick Mason gets out near the 30.  Third down.

Stuffed.  Fourth down for the Ravens.

Says a reader:  "Sam Adams looks much smaller and jovial on the bottle of Winter Lager in front of me than in HD.  Must have something to do with his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother."

The little fat dude who falls off of the training table could have broken his neck.

Rudi for two on first down.

First down for Bengals at the 48.  Another high ball, but caught by Stinko.

Kind of gay for Gumbel to refer to 2000 as "zero zero."  (Maybe he's also referring to his chances of having this job next year.)

Bengals keep rolling.  Inside the 30.

Great Seinfeld reference from a reader, who thought Gumbel said "tippytoe" while Collinsworth was trying to get the tape out of the answering machine.

Seven catches already for Stinko.

Jeremi Johnson drops a pass at the five.

Incomplete in the end zone.  Fourth down and six.  Another field goal.

Good.  6-0.  Four minutes left in the half.

A reader is waiting for Gumbel to utter "boom goes the dynamite."

TacoBill found sent a picture of Gumbel and Collinsworth in the booth.

OUCH!  B.J. Sams got Theismanned.

Collinsworth hopes it isn't as bad as it looked.  Yeah -- maybe the sight of his ankle flopping independently of the rest of his leg was an optical illusion.

Jimmy Kimmel just called B.J. Sams to ask, "How's your ankle?"

First down for Ravens across midfield.

Lewis gets nailed in the backfield by a run blitz.

Several readers think Gumbel sounds like Kermit the Frog.

Not real smart of the Cincy defender to assume pass was incomplete, while Derrick Mason got up and sprinted away.  (Luckily for the defender the pass really was incomplete.)

Nice run by McNair for nearly 20 yards.  He's still got that burst when he needs it.

Ravens down to the 25.  A minute left.

Third and four.  Ravens call a timeout with 45 ticks.

Gumbel still has no emotion of any kind.

Ravens have a first down at the 20.  McNair kills the clock with 29 seconds.

Down to the eleven.  Gumbel is completely detached.  Is he even in the building?

Stover hooks a field goal.  Where's Vanderjagt?

Halftime.  We need to turn the sound off before Kermit puts us to sleep.

We had nothing at all to say about the halftime, other than Suzy Kolber did a nice job on that Giants-Cowboys piece.

Kermit says that B.J. Sams has a fibula fracture and is "apparently done for the year."

McNair almost picked off on first play of second half.

Incomplete on second and ten.

Three and out.  Time to punt. 

Says a reader:  "Hey, Jonathan.  Nice hands!  Go Gamecocks.  Signed, Troy Williamson."

Bengals have the ball inside their own 25.

It's third and 14. 

Wow.  Shovel pass on third and 14 works.  First down Bengals on 20-yard gain.

Rudi for five yards or so.

A reader thinks that Collinsworth's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandma got busy with this buzzard.

Meanwhile, Bengals score on flea flicker pass to T.J.  13-0.

Reader says:  "I'm tempted to say that watching this game and listening to the dream team of Collinsworth and Gumble is like watching old people f--k. But I'm not sure that's fair to old people."

Nice return by Ravens but there's a flag.

Reader:  "I'm hoping that Kermit and the Scarecrow say something critical about Vladimir Putin."

Hey, the Bengals have found a potential draft pick.  (Unless the Chargers trade up.)

Ocho Cinco heads to the locker room -- we think he has to take a grande dumpo.

Ravens can't do anything tonight on offense.

A little friction between Scarecrow and Kermit.  But barely enough to keep us conscious.

Ravens have to punt again.

"Glorious HD," says Kermit.

T.J. gets flatted after a catch and run.

Ocho Stinko gets a first down, and passes the Scarecrow on the all-time receiving list.

Palmer and Bart Scott are jawing.

Kermit says "glorious" again.  (Why doesn't he just say, "I prefer the company of men"?)

Third down, Bengals.  They can't convert.  Another punt.

Ravens will start on the 20.  Six minutes left in the third quarter.

Six yards on first down for Jamal Lewis.  Billick's hat is too small for his head.

One-hop from McNair on third down.  Three and out.  Another punt.

Long return by Keiwann Ratliff to the Ravens 32.

A reader says that Gumbel's use of term "props" will raise his street cred to "glorious" levels.

Fourth down for Bengals.  Long field goal try or a punt?

Cincy takes a delay penalty to get more room.

Kermit says as to Brian Billick:  "This is not his first rodeo."

Bengals punt lands inside the 10.

Still pouring down the rain in Cincy.

Incomplete on first down.

Second and ten -- Jamal Lewis gets about eight.

Three more minutes, and it'll be the first time the Bengals defense have ever had seven straight shutout quarters.

First down Ravens.

Ravens move close to their 35.

Four-down territory?  With a full quarter to play?  Scarecrow needs a brain.

Ravens get close to midfield (or "halfcourt" if your name is Mooch).

End of quarter three.  We don't think we'll be able to do another blog of an NFLN game.  These announcers are too boring to say anything interesting and generally too smart to say anything stupid.

Intentional grounding on McNair -- second and long.

Almost picked off.

Dallas Clark gets blown up again.

Bengals from the 20.  Rudi goes nowhere.

Henry drops one.

Palmer gets hit low.  He's okay, though.

Another punt.

Ravens will have the ball on their own 34.

Sorry -- had to make a pit stop.

Ravens cross the 50.

Ravens can't covert key third down.  Fourth and four on Cincy's 45.

Nice completion to Derrick Mason, even though he was blanketed.

"Plaudits," says Kermit.

Screen pass to Jamal Lewis gets inside the 20.

Bengals call time out.  Eight minutes and change to play.

(I've been advised that I need to haul in all of the Christmas decorations that might get blown to smithereens due to high winds tonight.  I am not happy right now.  And you likely don't give a crap.)

Holding penalty on Baltimore.  First and 20.

There was a helmet laying on the ground with no one around it.

Third and eleven.

McNair slides down to the ten.  Collinsworth suggests that McNair is a wussy for sliding.

Six minutes, 20 seconds to go.

Says a reader:  "Hey are you going to blog the Steelers-Browns game next week?  If so, I'd rather go and break my parole."

Ball game right here.  Incomplete pass.  Game over.

Kornholio is sound asleep.

Fourth down for Bengals -- punt time.  Less than five minutes to play.

Idiot Gumbel doesn't realize that a muff can't be advanced.

Kermit bends over backward to avoid criticizing players (and perhaps bends over forward for the really cute ones).

Many readers complaining about the low quality of the booth crew.  Gumbel's voice is awful.  Just awful.  Can someone spray testosterone on his sushi?

How did Kermit and Scarecrow earn votes on the all-time best Super Bowl teams?

Three minutes to go.  Please, will this game end.

Graham misses a field goal for Cincy -- Ravens get another chance to do nothing on offense.

Around the league update from Kermit -- Vanderjagt cut.  Who knew?

Ravens to midfield.  Clock is ticking.  I am snoring.

Here's the two-minute warning.  In this case, it's not a warning but the promise of impending freedom.

Dropped pass on third down.

Ravens get nailed for delay -- it comes down to fourth and 10.

Completion.  Drive is alive.  Less than 80 ticks.

Have the Ravens thrown the ball more than 20 yards in the air all night?

Oh wow.  Mason CLEARLY pushed off.  CLEARLY.

Collinsworth is high.  Mason's arm is extended.

Kermit almost pulls a Maas in suggesting that multiple good things can happen when you throw a ball deep.

Onside kick coming up.

Terrible onside kick.  Ravens went to short side and it was kicked right at a Bengals player.

Over.  Thanks for coming out tonight.  Drive home safely.  See you on Monday night.  Time to go out and save Baby Jesus and company from the wind.