WEEK NINE

Raiders at Seahawks

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Hello, folks.  We're back for another Live Blog, from more-miserable-than-usual Seattle.

Tonight's drinking game?  Have a swig whenever there's a reference to latte or coffee or any other cliche' that seizes on Seattle's reputation as the coffee capital of the world.

The updates will be flowing periodically from now until kickoff, when we'll hit balls-out-full-speed.  (Where in the hell did that phrase come from?  I mean, can anyone actually run any faster with their balls hanging out than when they're safely tucked away?)

We saw earlier on Primetime that Ron Jaworski has dusted off the ladies frames, after a 10-day hiatus. 

Coincidentally, the classic Seinfeld in which George gets glasses from the Gloria Vanderbilt Collection was on TBS at 6:30 p.m. EST.

And Rachel Nichols has some kind of goofy witch hat on her head tonight, to protect her from melting.

We think "Dominguez" is Spanish for "woman who has had extensive plastic surgery."

Also on Primetime, Stu Scott twice referred to Jerricho Cotchery as "Crotchery."

The dude made up to look like the Hulk might get pimples from the green paint -- or from the steroids.

Holy crap -- the Boz is an old man.

The dude has the head of a Cro-Magnon man.

Mort is flirting with the Boz.

Bosworth hits the nail on the head regarding steroid use -- it speeds up the recovery process.

Now he sounds stoopid when he says that 'roids should be used for recovery and not enhancement; they'll all used for recovery in order to enable enhancement.

Mort says Boz will visit the booth tonight.

Says a reader:  "Steroids speeds up the death process, too."

Tom Jackson is wondering why the Pipemaker left "his" Broncos off of his top five list; Steve Young is wondering why Jackson omitted the Bears.

A reader says that maybe Boz is promoting Stone Cold III, since there were so many unanswered questions from the first two installments.

Steve Young has Carson Palmer as a top five quarterback?  Who's number six?  Brad Johnson?

Rachel actually looks good with that hat -- and would look even better if she pulled it down over her face.

Mort says that Shaun Alexander is "pain free."

A great e-mail from a reader, unrelated to the Monday night coverage:  "After watching those incessant commercials for NFL Replay, who could have predicted that we could spend all Sunday watching games on the tube (spend all Sunday watching games on the tube), but you missed 85 and there was nothing you could do (nothing for you to do) . . . even though you were actually watching the Bengals game."

A reader has found some products in which Jaws might be interested. 

Mort says that QB David Garrard will continue to be the starter in Jacksonville, which really doesn't constitute news for anyone who frequents this site.

Berman needs a hair cut.  Except for those parts of his head on which the hair quit growing.

We initially thought that Troy Williamson was actually the guy in the Vikings No. 82 jersey in that NFLShop.com commercial, but we concluded it wasn't him when he didn't drop the dog.

Randy Moss doesn't have his 'fro poofed out tonight.

Andrew Walter doesn't, either.

The Big Show a/k/a Mike Holmgren always looks pissed off.

Great English, Mike Irvin:  "This football team need leaders."

Irvin said that Warren Sapp can still "clog it up" -- he's talking about toilets, right?

Clarence Thomas says, "It's a pretty tough ass for Wallace"?!?

Kornholio does the universal hand signal connoting gayness.  Is it merely wishful thinking about James Denton.

Joey Sunshine says it might be difficult to throw -- apparently the balls will be too dry.

Tafoya has found a way to look even more masculine.  (Why not just get a crew cut?)

And where did she get those drapes that she's wearing as a coat?

Berman looks a lot older on HD.

Darrell Jackson catches fish about as well as he catches footballs.

Nate Burleson's gloves smell like fish ass.

A reader says that Kornholio wants to catch James Denton's trouser trout.

The hair on the sides of Berman's head reminds us of Krusty the Klown.

"One guy hits it, one guy rips" -- are they talking about football?

Seahawks fans wonder why ESPN has decided to torture them with highlights of the Super Bowl loss.

Colleen Dominguez needs to wear more eye makeup.

Berman says that the Cards-Bears Monday night was Matt Leinart's first career start -- WRONG.

From a reader:  "I love the new Profootballtalk merchandise.  The panties are some of the best I've ever worn.  Signed, Marv Albert."

Reader:  "I love how Bermans Top 10 plays consists of 30 different plays."

Wow, someone actually sponsors "Jacked Up."

Oh man -- Jason Webster got . . . hit really hard.

Why oh why do they tease the No. 1 "Jacked Up" hit?  NO ONE CARES!

Here we go . . . game on . . . cue Clarence Thomas.

Okay we actually like Grey's Anatomy but Pat Dempsey's coat is hella gay.

Door prize.

Kornholio makes another Emmy pitch.

A reader notes that the head of Clarence Thomas looks huge in HD.

Reader raises a great point:  Why didn't they put a retractable roof on Qwest Field?

Reader:  "There's nothing wrong with having a huge head.  Signed, A Dude Who Looks Like A.J. Hawk."

Tafoya to Hasselbeck:  "What is going through Seneca Wallace's head?"

A reader suggests that Sunshine will be pimping the 'Hawks' quarterback as "Seneca Favre."

I'm Hank Williams, Jr. Bitch.

"One of 'em is going down," Hank sings.  But what if there's a tie?

Suzy Kolber is AWOL again.

Raiders start with the ball. 

"Arizona Sun"?

Another sack of a Raiders quarterback.

Nate Burleson returns a punt -- hey, if he's not gonna catch passes, they might as well make him do something.

Maurice Morris is terrible, folks.

Hasselbeck introduces the offense, and he's not even playing?

Shaun Alexander looks pretty glum for a guy who robbed the bank earlier this year.

Says a reader:  "What's Tiki doing on the sidelines?"

"Mack Strong not noted as a wide receiver" -- yeah, because he's a fullback.

Penalty on the Raiders . . . go figure.

Bears, Joe?  Why the f--k are you thinking about the Bears?

This year's draft, Clarence.

Okay, maybe Morris isn't so bad.

Touchdown pass to Deion Branch.  6-0.

Make that 7-0.

That "Just What I Needed" jingle for Circuit City has got to go.

Nice job, ESPN, paying $1.1 billion a year for MNF and not getting flex scheduling.

Sorry -- minor technical problems with the in-home wireless network.

The Raiders get nowhere and have to punt.

This game is gonna suck.  It'll be 14-0 soon.

Darrell Jackson drops one -- there's a shocker.

"Seneca Wallace is the best running quarterback in the NFL," says Joey Sunshine.

Branch inside the 10.

ESPN should demand a partial refund for getting to air this stinker.

"ESPN is the best negotiating network ever," says Joey Sunshine.

'Hawks get closer to the end zone.

Kornholio says that Deion Branch believes he made financial sacrifices for the sake of the team -- what sacrifices?  He was still working under his f--king rookie contract.  Way to show off those interviewing skills, T.

Tafoya to George Bodenheimer:  "What was going through your head when you agreed to pay $1.1 billion a year for crap like this?"  (Nod to reader.)

Wow.  Raiders hold 'Hawks to a three-pointer.

Kornholio makes the perfunctory fantasy reference.

The ESPN crew is giving out some "Tony" awards.

Kornholio pimps Dancing with the Stars.

Maybe tonight's the night that Randy Moss actually kills someone.

Randy takes a dive.

A reader says that the Raiders need to hold on until they get the wind at their backs . . . and then they won't score any points anyway.

How did Julian Peterson not clobber Andrew Walter?

Another first down for the Raiders.  We'd forgotten how bad Seattle's defense is.

Sunshine likes it when Walter "pats the ball."

One reader is contemplating taking a bath with his toaster.

27 sacks in the first quarter.

Tony asks to apply the ten-run rule -- in the first quarter.

Seneca's "cognitive learning classes" . . . sounds like Mr. Wallace pulled a Dex Manley in college.  (Hey, maybe Darrent "I ain't got no sympathy for nobody" Williams was the winner of the Manley Award at Oklahoma State.)

Reader:  "Don't worry Raiders, I'm sure that if you stay the course you'll come out of the game with a win.  Signed, George W. Bush."  [Editor's note:  We'll give equal time to anyone who submits a funny line that rips on the Dems.]

Is Friday Night Lights on again tonight?

Sunshine says "standing statue."  As opposed to one that, you know, walks around.

Good news:  first quarter over.  Bad news:  three to go.

Reader:  "If Seneca Wallace hadn't studied and worked hard at being a better quarterback he would've been stuck on the Raiders.  Regards, John Kerry."

Reader:  "Michelle, give me back my sweater/coat thingee.  Signed, your Grandmother."

Morris takes it inside the 20.

Flag on Jerramy Stevens.  Dumbass.

That 1993 NAFTA debate cable rating is in no danger tonight, we predict.

Seattle is trying to blow it.

Kornholio says Big Show looks angry.  He always looks angry.

Kornholio makes a '90s-era reference to bitter beer face.  (Maybe he's thinking of it cause he sees the guy from those commercials . . . every time he looks in the mirror.)

Penalty on Raiders for yelling "hike."

Weekend in Bernie's Luxury Suite.

Stevens pulls a Jackie Smith.

Way to throw to the sticks, Seneca.  (Apparently, those cognitive learning classes don't go over the significance of the big orange thing.)

13-0 Seahawks.  It's over.

Visit from the Boz is coming up.

Why not just play the tape of the Raiders-Seahawks game when Bo Jackson flattened Bosworth?

Even worse -- Christian Slater -- I thought he was dead.

Christian F--king Slater.  Why?

Man, they had to go down deep on the list of the ensemble cast to get someone to show up in Seattle.

Apparently, they simply couldn't get any celebrity to come to Minneapolis last week.

Christian Slater admits to a boyhood crush on Jack Nicholson.

"How big of a fan are you?"

"I've got friends who are huge fans."

Wow.  Quite an endorsement for the sport.

Clarence Thomas says "hair."

Christian Slater thinks he's actually supposed to participate in the calling of the game.

Hey, this guy Slater is roughly as talented as John Madden.

Slater claims to have seen Joe Namath wag his finger -- our buddy Mike Dempsey from ESPN Radio in Jacksonville tells us that Slater was born in November 1969.  (Demps, do you know his favorite color, too?)

Kornholio is ready to offer Slater a ride to some of his movie tour stops in the "special seat" on the Korncruiser.

Slater is stoned.

Lowest point in broadcast television history:  "Hey, Michelle!  Wish you were here!"

Slater continues to provide commentary on the game.

"I need a jersey or something."

What a freaking train wreck.

"Take him down!"

Hey, you know, maybe the broadcast would be better with at least one drunk guy in the booth.

They run Slater out of the booth so fast he barely gets out when his stupid ass movie opens.

Demps says Slater's favorite color is mauve.

Reader:  "I was for the Randy Moss trade before I was against it.  Signed, Randy Moss."

Reader:  "Hey, Michelle -- I want to kiss you."

Oh shit -- the obligatory "what went through your mind?" question from Tafoya.  Oh baby you can aks some tough questions.

Reader:  "Christian Slater is on the down low.  Signed, Doogie Howser."

We might pull the plug on this disaster at halftime folks.

Reader suggests question for Tafoya to Alexander:  "What went through your head when you cashed that signing bonus check?"

Reader:  "What went through your mind with your foot?"

Could this be "Michelle"?  From Wikipedia:  "On August 11, 1997, Slater was arrested by police in Los Angeles and charged with three counts of assault with a deadly weapon and one count of battery.  Slater, drunk and high on heroin, punched his then-girlfriend, fashion editor Michelle Jonas, in the face at a party and biting a man who attempted to protect her.  Slater did not go quietly, but hid in a stairwell and fought with officers, reportedly shouting, "the Germans are coming and they will kill us!"  He then attacked a police officer.  All the felony charges against him were eventually dropped.  He was sentenced to three months in prison, serving 59 days for good behavior."

Reader:  "Hey, Michelle -- give my grandma back her f--king couch."

If Randy Moss is 6'4", then Andrew Walter is 6'6".  (Oops -- just checked the Record and Fact Book . . . he is.)

Folks, we're serious about bagging this at halftime.  These are hours of our lives we'll never get back.

Reader: "There's an old saying down in Oakland – I know it's in Texas, probably in Oakland – that says . . . schedule the Raiders for one prime time game, shame on . . . shame on you.  Schedule the Raiders for a second prime time game . . . schedule them they can't get scheduled again."

A reader suggests the following question for the "Ask Tony" segment:  "Will you quit?"

We seriously can't take this anymore folks.  We'll make it up to you tomorrow with a great Ten-Pack and all kinds of rumor stuff.  This really is killing us.

The turf is in great shape, says Tafoya.  (It must not be new, says Sunshine.)

Jackson drops another one -- shocking.

Final decision is in . . . as a show of protest for the crappy schedule that the NFL gave to ESPN (as if anyone expected the Raiders to be good as of April), we're calling this one due to overall suckiness.  We suggest watching a Christian Slater movie instead.

See ya next week.