WEEK FOURTEEN

Bears at Rams

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Is there a football game tonight, or is the purpose of this one merely to determine whether Rex Grossman is worthy of continuing to play quarterback in the NFL?

Actually, the Grossman-versus-Griese thing might be more compelling since the game itself, given that the Greatest Show on Turf has become the Greatest Show on Turd of late, making the Rams no match for the Bears.

Then again, that's what we all thought two months ago, when the Cardinals nearly knocked off the Bears and, in the process, exposed Grossman as a guy who gets rattled faster the toy of a toddler on speed.

Periodic updates until kickoff, then off we go.

Rachel Nichols has dinner with the Bears.  She forgot her cauldron at home.

Says a reader:  "Dinner with Urlacher?  Only nine months until he has to make child support payments, or however long it takes to hatch a witch baby."

Bears break out the white pants, which will make it all the more obvious when Rex has sh-t in his.

Has Steve Young said "swashbuckler" yet?

Rams sporting solid gold pants with no stripe.

We're being accused of being gay for pointing out pant colors.  Don't make up come out there and slap anyone with our purses.

Irvin further exposes his overt Cowboys bias, by referring to them as "we".

Tom Jackson blames T.O. for the Cowboys' loss to the Saints.

Mort says that if Tuna comes back to 'Boys, T.O. likely won't.

We'd love to know more about Jaws' thought process for selecting which glasses to wear on a given day.  Maybe the deciding factor is whether he wants to feel pretty?

A reader predicts that Rachel Nichols is happy to be in the dome tonight because she won't have to worry about getting rained on.  And melting.

A reader takes umbrage with Steve Young's comments that fans don't know what they are talking about.  (Yeah, Steve, the game of football is so freaking mysterious and vague and complex.  Just like swashbuckling.)

Another reader wonders if Rachel Nichols has whipped up an anti-interception potion for Rex.

Steve McNair jacked up Patrick Surtain?

They're back to teasing the No. 1 jacked up thing until halftime.

Tom Jackson picks the Rams to win.  The rest of the puppets take the Bears.

Barack Obama?

Wow that was lame.

Query:  Would Jim Belushi have ever had a career if his brother hadn't dropped dead?  (Answers a reader:  "Yeah, as a hot dog vendor.)

As to the Barack Obama cameo, a reader says:  "Hey, I didn't know Tony Dungy was a Bears fan."

"Rexy isn't sexy; he's causing apoplexy."  (We didn't know Tiki was writing Kornholio's copy.)

Tafoya reports that Brian Griese took half of the snaps in practice.  (Wow.  No one else has reported that this week.)

Kolber is sporting the Joan Jett hairdo tonight.

Why does Tirico include a mention to the Hank Williams opening?  It's the same damn thing every week.

A reader wonders whether Reebok cares that the Rams are wearing Dockers tonight.

Bears get the ball first.  Why do we have a feeling that the Bears will run the ball 75 times tonight.

Leonard "Always Does It Big Not" Little -- as in getting drunk and driving his car.

Kornholio takes a dig at Sunshine.

Nice catch by Thomas Jones, and there's a flag on Jones for running his mouth.

Grossman "in the position he doesn't want to be in" -- bent over in Kornholio's bedroom.

Estelle Costanza is at the game tonight.

A reader predicts that Tafoya will ask Lovie Smith what was going through his parents' heads when they named him "Lovie."

Good to see Torry Holt in his "crack guy" hoodie.

Rams have to punt. 

"His teammates want him to do well," Sunshine says of Grossman.  (No, Joe, they want him to suck it up, so the team can lose.)

Grossman runs like he has a jock full of Ben-Gay.

Berrian gets nowhere on the handoff.

"Everyone on the bench is pulling" for Grossman -- except Griese.

Kornholio admits that he wants to hug Rex Grossman.

And while the sock puppets are slurping on Grossman, he throws the ball to a guy who is running a different route.

Gould misses a chip shot.  Maybe Griese will kick field goals, too.

Jackson drops easy catch on third down.  Time for another punt.

Says a reader regarding the Black Christmas commercial:  "I wanna thank ESPN for showing it while my youngest son was in the room because it just sent him out of the room screaming."  (We probably shouldn't be laughing our asses off about that one.  Officially, we aren't.)

Kornholio concedes he's afraid to fly.  Does that include the back of Rachel Nichols' broom?

Wow -- a great Monday nighter next week.  Bengals-Colts.  Unless NBC flexes it.

Leonard Little grabs a chunk of Grossman's ass.

Grossman misses wide open receiver on third down.

A reader says that his wife refers to referee Jeff Triplette as a "pennyd-ck" because, as she explains it, "he looks like a pennyd-ck."

Suzy Kolber contributes some compelling information about the Rams -- from a guy who isn't on the team this year.

Rams starting to put a little something together.

Sunshine is arrogant even when he tries to be self-deprecating.

Wow.  The World Series Trophy.  Tirico calls it the best guest of the year.  We agree, because it can't talk. 

Meanwhile, Tony plans to "accidentally" sit on one of those metal flag things.  ("It was a million to one shot, Doc.  Million to one.")

Fourth down.  No brainer.  Take the points.  Take the point.  A three against the Bears is as good as a seven.

A reader points out that Suzy got her info on the Rams from an NFL Network employee; maybe Faulk thought he was talking to Adam Schefter.

A reader says that the Trophy will be asking Sunshine, "How's your leg, Joe?"

Stephen Davis?  He's still alive?

Sweet play -- pump fake on the slant to Holt, and then the fade to Holt.

A reader wants to know how Ricky Manning Jr. plans to celebrate Hanukkah.

Rams cap off a 99-yard drive against the impenetrable Bears.

Hester gets his fifth return for a touchdown, tying the NFL single-season record.

Steven Jackson gets the edge for a nice run.  Rams already near midfield.

Nice move by Ike Bruce to get open.  Rams keep drive alive.

Another nice catch by Bruce.

No visitor to the booth so far in the second quarter, other than the Trophy.

Touchdown Jackson -- Rams re-take the lead.

Oh, great.  Jim Belushi.

No rooting in the press box, asshole.

Belushi should shut up.  He's only making himself sound like the dumbass that, well, he is.

Kornholio disses the Packers.

Jimmy Kimmel just called into the booth and said to Belushi, "Jim, how's your brother?"

They've got to get Belushi the f--k out of there.

Did Sunshine just say, "f--k ear"?

Bears fans are writing to tell us that Belushi doesn't represent them.

Kornholio says he doesn't want to shout "Go!  Go!  Go!"  (But he'd make an exception if James Denton popped in.)

Rams sputtering a bit.

Rams punting from deep in their own end.

Several readers complaining about ESPN's obsession with Allen Iverson.

Rex fumbles, but claims his arm was moving forward.

Wow.  Rams get jobbed. 

A readers says that he hopes no Rams player jams a broken bottle in anyone's face to make a play.

Says a reader regarding the commercial for Rocky:  "I wanna thank ESPN for showing it while my youngest son was in the room because it just sent him out of the room screaming." 

Wow.  Crappy call by zebras allowing the clock to run.

Wilkins missed the kick.  Bears up by one at halftime.

The halftime show is a complete waste of time.

Kolber says the Rams are using the silent count because of the number of Bears fans . . . in St. Louis.

Rams to punt on first drive of half.

A reader asks if Ricky Manning invited Joe Klopfenstein to dinner at Denny's.

A reader predicts that Grossman will screw it up on this drive.

Sometimes you wanna take off and run -- just ask Daunte Culpepper and his shredded knee.

Nice drive so far for the Bears.

Thomas Jones breaks one.

Old dude in fuzzy hat likes it.

Jones cashes in with a 30-yard touchdown run.  21-13.

Why does ESPN keep playing "Give It Away Now" as its bumper music?  (A reader thinks it's a reference to the billions that the network is losing on its NFL investment.)

This game is suddenly getting boring and we're wearing down. 

Rams to punt.

Quick first down for the Bears, via a pass to Desmond Clark.

Bears deep in St. Louis territory.

Falling asleep at the laptop over this one. . . .

Touchdown Bears; nice throw from Grossman to Muhammad.  28-13.

Okay, folks.  We're calling this one.  Sorry to do it.  Gotta get up at 5:00 and work on the rumor mill.

Hey, is it just us or is that woman in the Best Buy commercial acting a little too "excited" to be getting a present?

What were we saying?  Oh yeah.  We're calling this one.  Gotta get up early.  This one is over.  Falling asleep at the laptop.

Okay, we'll watch one more drive.

Moose said to Grossman:  "I can't wait until you prove everybody wrong."  (Yeah, how stupid of us to conclude that Grossman sucks based on his sucky suckass performances of late.)

Another punt from the Rams.  Hey, Hester -- run this one back so we can get some sleep.

Weak punt.  Bears have the ball on their 45.

Translation regarding Marshall Faulk's plans:  "They don't have the balls to cut me so I'll take their money for as long as I can without having to play for it."

Bears are gonna score again.  Then we'll call it.

Third quarter over.  Okay.  That's it.  This one's done.  See you next week for a "real" game.