WEEK FOURTEEN

Bengals at Colts

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Holiday greeting and all that sh-t -- we're here for the final Live Blog of the 2006 regular season.

We know, we know.  That statement implies that there might be Live Blogs for the postseason.  And there might be.  We don't know yet.

But there won't be another Live Blog in 2006.  The only remaining Monday night game is on Christmas, and although we'll be updating the site that day we can't take three-and-a-half hours away from our plan to sit around with family members and eat food and watch football.  We hope you understand.

So let's make the most of this one.  It should be a good game, though we don't think it'll be a high-scoring affair. 

We'll be updating periodically until kickoff.  Then we'll be updating at our usual frenetic pace.  Unless we get bored.

How about Chad Johnson's shoes with the pictures of himself on them?  Those things are ugly enough to scare away dog poop.  Even if he changes out of them, he's sure to be fined.  Again.

And we were very, very disturbed by the images of the contact lenses with the Colts logos.  When it comes to things that make eyeballs appear to have unnatural colors, we usually hide under the bed until morning.

Has Ben Stiller raided Burt Reynolds' toupee drawer?

Mort says Bengals linebacker David Pollack could play again.

Tom Jackson is skeptical about anyone coming back from a broken neck to play linebacker.

Ocho Stinko is still wearing the funky zapatos.

Sal Paolantonio says that Stinko will be fined for his shoes, and that if he doesn't change them before the game he'll be yanked off of the field.

Stinko takes a curb with his truck.

Holy crap -- funniest SNL bit ever.  Thanks to the guy who sent it to us.

Stinko in his puff piece says he's paying his fine in advance.

Reader raises a good point -- why didn't he also prepay for the tickets that Sean Payton got for him?

Video of Colts-Vikings MNF affair from November 2004 underscores how hideous that new Minny unis are.

Hey, it's the DirecTV guy.

"Rhymes with Stinko."

"Hachee-hachee-moochie."

Man, we love that guy.  We wish we knew his name.

We still prefer Jerry Stiller to Ben Stiller.

We love how Kornholio tries to speak for the masses.  Guess what, Tony -- a lot of us are rooting against Peyton Manning ever winning a Super Bowl.

Readers are guessing that the Poobah is the curmudgeon who opened up the show.

Why do they start the game at 8:30 p.m. EST but not kick off until 8:40?

A reader who watched the SNL bit wonders whether Joey Sunshine in the press area counts as a "d--k in a box."

Hey -- Joe Perry has a picture of his granddaughter on his guitar.

A reader predicts that the Bengals will sign Tank Johnson.

A reader thinks that Tony is getting James Denton a d-ck in a box for Christmas.

That last pass to Stinko hit the ground, we think.  Good thing the Bengals called time out so that the Colts could get a good look before deciding whether to throw the red flag.

Wow -- might not be indisputable visual evidence that the ball hit the ground.

Suzy has Stinko's shows.

Tirico makes a Seinfeld reference.

Stinko doesn't hurt his team -- just like he didn't hurt them at halftime of the playoff game.

Completion overturned.

Next up, fumble.  Booger picks it up.

A reader think that Johnson hurt his johnson on that non-catch.

Colts in business in Bengals territory.

Ricky Proehl?  He's still alive?

Manning made the "drinky, drinky" gesture.

Should have been an interception on that one.  Flag on Bengals.

This ref comes off too much like a wiseguy to ever be considered fit to officiate a sporting event.  (And we can say that because this site is owned and operated by Eye-talians).

Kevin "Kaesvihan"?  Tirico is missing an "r".

Justin Smith is Larry the Cable Guy.

Colts driving down the field.

A reader wants to know whether Jamie Naughright is part of Kornholio's "everyone" who wants Peyton to win a Super Bowl.

We missed Sunshine say that he told Stinko that Joe would pay the fine for his shoes.

Low throw from Manning.  Field goal time.

Colts make a tackle in the running game.  Wow.

A reader says that the original L.T. will give Joey Sunshine a tibia in a box for Christmas.

Nice glasses.

Bengals move the chains.

"Drew-Jones" says Sunshine.  (Madded '07 makes the same mistake.)

Shades of Barry Sanders from Rudi.

"If he held him any longer they'd be married in some cultures," says Kornholio.

Bengals are grinding up the clock, too.

Cato June just tried to consummate the marriage.

Chris Henry drops a touchdown pass.  (The ball didn't have enough puke on it, apparently.)

Nice.  The official threw a flag for ineligible man downfield.  On a run.

"Theys-a no foul-a. . . dis is a running-a play," the ref said.  (We hope the reader who sent that in is Eye-talian.  If not, we're going to have to whack you.)

Tirico wants to see if they "squeeze one" before the end of the quarter.  (And now that the quarter is over, we're going to go "squeeze one" ourselves.)

Man, Peyton has gotten older -- and uglier -- since 1998.

A reader says:  "Jim Mora was just on the radio and he said, 'When Kornholio's job's open, you'll find me at the friggin' head of the line with my resume in hand, ready to take that job.'"

Sunshine called South Carolina "USC."  (At least he didn't call it "the S.")

Touchdown, Manning to Marvin.  9-3.

Next up in the booth -- the man who hasn't worn deodorant in 20 years.  And Kornholio will still nuzzle his crotch.

Stinko gets flattened on a running play.

Henry had a shot at catching that one.

Bengals recover muffed punt.

Nice to see the Bengals taking advantage of that soft Indy run defense.

Lindy Infante is at the game.

They are ignoring Matthew.

Readers are waiting for the sock puppets to ask Matthew about his naked bongos.

A reader says that the crowd at the RCA Dome is whiter than an episode of Friends.

Says a reader on the current booth guest:  "Best of the year.  Haven't heard from him at all.  They should make them all smoke pot before they show up."

Tirico is saying "muff" whenever he can.

By the way, score is 10-10.

We're hearing that the Colts mascot was making some type of obscene gesture to Rudi Johnson after he scored.

"Why did you do the movie, Matthew?" . . . "Because they gave me a big f--king bag of money."

Tony isn't impressed with Matthew -- he smells bad.

Tony wants to put Matthew's head on top of his own head.  (Which head is he talking about?)

The guy from USC makes a nice tackle.

Thanks to HD we cant see the sweat above Marvin's lip.  Or is it snot?

Manning to Harrison.  Touchdown.

Halftime.  We are at the point where we pay zero attention to the intermission show, which features highlights that we've all seen umpteen times by now.

Third quarter starts.  Colts have the ball.

Carson Palmer has only three completions in the first half.  Manning has six times as many.

Colts already out to midfield.

Bengals stuff Colts on fourth down.

Hoochie-moochie makes a catch.

Rudi makes a nice gain.

Holy crap.  Carson Palmer likes K-Fed.

Field goal.  17-13.

That bumper music sounds like "D--k in a Box."

Tirico says that he hopes MNF will get the opener at the Colts' new stadium in 2008.  (Good news is they will; bad news is Tirico won't be there for it.)

Another big gainer from Peyton to Marvin.

Great run by Addai.  Way to change arms when he got to the sideline.  (Oh crap.  Was -- was that a compliment we gave someone?  I need to take my temperature.)

Another touchdown for Harrison.  Yawn.

24-13.

Henry brings out the crocodile arms.

All those Cincy fans at the RCA Dome are gonna start booing soon.

Why does Tirico keep calling Rhodes "Dominique"?

Bengals have no fire at all tonight.

Yellow line is in the wrong spot.

We just noticed how boring this game is tonight.

Another touchdown.  Wayne gets in on the act.  30-13.

Make that 31-13.

Ocho Stinko is in the locker room getting an IV.  (And a bull rider's massage from Kornholio.)

Down by 18 with 16 minutes to play?  Let's run the ball!

Bengals bust loose on a screen pass that goes for long yardage.

Third quarter over.

Return of the Stinko!

Defensive coordinator Chuck Bresnahan to his eleven players:  "Please step it up or I'm gonna get fired."

Our pal John Thornton almost picks one off.

Harrison should have made the catch.

Bengals in business near the 50 after an impressive three-and-out.

Harrison got his fingers stoved.

No way the call of an incomplete pass gets overturned.

Stinko is upset.

Lots of time left in this one.  Booooo-rrrrrrring.

Colts moving down the field and chewing up the clock.

A reader says Stinko needed an IV due to all of the McDonald's crap he ate this morning.

Kornholio is ready to call this one.

Colts down to the 23.

We love how the ESPN crawl only mentions by name their own employees who break stories.

If Vinatieri makes this kick, it's over.

It's over.  Three score game.  Five minutes to play.

When talking about the turds on the Bengals, why does no one ever blame Marvin Lewis for acquiring the guys?

Tirico says that the CEO doesn't have to apologize for an employee's misbehavior -- it's a good thing, or some big shot would have been saying "sorry" for Tirico's alleged sexual harassment last decade.

The difference -- Lewis hand-picked his players, opting for talent over character.

"They've done everything possible," Tirico says.  BULLSH-T!  They HIRED these guys when others didn't want them.

Kornholio puts some blame on Lewis.

Fumble from the K-Fed fan -- Bengals recover it.  Doesn't matter.

John Teerlinck is having triplets soon. 

Stinko and Housh are conspiring.

Looks like Stinko is pissing in the Gatorade.

Three minutes and change to go.  Bengals down by 18. 

Is anyone still out there?

Two minute warning.  Finally.

A reader thinks that Stinko's cramps are in his hands.

Congrats, Ravens.  AFC North champions.

Game over.

Folks, it's been a great season with the Live Blogs.  But don't get all weepy.  You still will have to put up with us every single day, multiple times a day, until the 2007 regular season.