WEEK THIRTEEN

Panthers at Eagles

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It's Monday night.  It's Philly.  It's the Panthers and the Eagles.  Two dog-paddling teams that are still very much alive in the "does anyone really want to play in January?" NFC postseason hunt.  The ESPN gang is out in full force, prepping for the game and already bitching about the fact that it's (oooooh) 32 degrees.

Hey, guys -- what the hell do you expect when you choose to do an outdoor TV show in December?

We figure there will be a Rocky Balboa moment or two tonight, since he's got both a new movie and a new DVD from an old movie to pimp.  Hopefully, Sly Stallone will tell Kornholio that he looks like Burgess Meredith.

You know the routine.  Updates from time to time until 8:30 p.m. EST.  Then we get rolling with a constant stream of updates.

Ed Werder reports that the Panthers aren't benching quarterback Jake Delhomme because his backup isn't worth a Weinke.

Suzy Kolber earlier whipped out one of the freshest lines we've ever heard, regarding Delhomme:  "When he's hot, he's hot; when he's not, he's not."

The Playmaker is making jokes about jock straps.

Chris Mortensen blames Chris Berman for the dip in Rex Grossman's performance.

ESPN teases an interview with Sly Stallone.

Sal Paolantonio says that Donovan McNabb is not happy that people are counting him out for 2007; he plans to get back and be ready for next season. 

A reader makes a good point -- they moved the ESPN set to protect Michael Irvin from verbal harassment (and to protect the ears of the audience from all sorts of colorful phrases).

Mort says that Lord Favre was frustrated on Sunday during the blowout loss to the Jets, and that he wondered whether he did the right thing in coming back.

Says a reader:  "Mort's 'scoops' are about as worthwhile as what my wife 'scoops' out of the catbox."  (Yikes.)

Joey Sunshine pokes fun at the bone that was poking through his skin.

Rocky is in the house.  And he's got his granddaughter with him.

Several readers thinks Sly's police escorts are members of the Village People.

A reader predicts that Kornholio will ask Rocky what it's like to "beat meat."

Why is Paolantonio interviewing Rocky Balboa?  Was ESPN afraid that Tafoya might kick Rocky's ass?

Rocky loves Romo.

These video effects on "Jacked Up!" make up want to "Throw Up!"

Wow.  They didn't tease the No. 1 "Jacked Up!" for halftime.  Kudos to ESPN for realizing that no one gives a sh-t.

DeShaun Foster is out tonight for the Panthers, primarily because of an elbow injury that will limit his ability to block.

Hey -- our pal Glen Macnow of WIP is being interviewed in the "Booing of Santa" item.

You know, we think we've seen this Santa thing before.  Does ESPN ever use an item only once?

Yeah, this thing is a year old. 

Jackon and Irvin pick Panthers, Young and Berman pick Eagles.

The Eagles' snapper is a professional magician, which is fitting since the guys covering the game are professional clowns.

Tirico always uses his grown-up voice for the intro.

Okay, we're officially old.  Who's the guy with the helmet?

Kornholio give some off screen direction during Sunshine's monologue?

Kornholio is very scary in HD.

Drew Brees was "mashed potatoes" last year.  Huh?

Tafoya is dressed like Mrs. Robinson tonight.

Suzy is dressed like Mr. Robinson.

Hey, maybe we'll get some shots of the steam rising off of Steve Smith's puke.

Kolber really does talk like Millhouse.

Cue Hank Williams, Jr., bitch.

Rocky has really aged in three years.

The teams went to the wrong sides of the field after the coin toss.

Tony wants to see the pictures of the guys with their shirts off.

He acts like it's the first time guys had their shirts off at a cold game.

Drinking game -- any reference of any kind to Rocky.

Mike Rucker says, "boom goes the dynamite."

Two drops in three plays.  Time for Eagles to punt.

Why won't anyone on the broadcast say that Stallone is at the game and making himself available for one reason -- he's got a movie coming out?

Delhomme licks both hands.  Doesn't he know it's cold and flu season?

Keyshawn refers to Steve Smith as "the other guy."

Lito Sheppard talks like the "Ladies' Man."

Three and out for Panthers.

It looks like Sly Stallone's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandma slept with some guy with a f--ked up mouth.

Jeff Garcia throws the ball . . . to no one.

Tirico says that last week Garcia didn't go down . . . the field.

Eagles pinned in their own end.

Nice throw, only 10 yards short of the line to gain.

Eagles punt again. 

Tirico commits a Philly faux pas again, claiming that Broad St. leads to City Hall.  (Okay, apparently is does.  But that's not the shot they were showing, apparently.)

Sunshine say that the Eagles' defense is worse because the team's offense is.

Sunshine gives Tirico a hard time for calling DeAngelo Williams a "freshman."

We're already getting calls to pull the plug on this masterpiece.

"You gotta score occasionally," Kornholio says.

Nice catch by Steve Smith.  Touchdown.  Now he'll go puke.

Kornholio says that Smith strutting into the end zone is "pretty cool."  (He says it like three times.)

7-0 Panthers.

Eagles get a first down.  Reggie Brown doesn't drop a pass.

Enough talk about McNabb's knee.  Is he the first quarterback to ever tear an ACL?

More McNabb talk.

Kornholio has his O.J. gloves on.

Mike Rucker lays on Garcia.

Garcia fumbled and ball bounced right into his special place.

Says a reader:  "I think Jeff Garcia's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother hooked up with someone who threw like a girl."

Says a reader:  "You'd think Garcia would be good at finding the tight end."

A reader point out that Delhomme often licks his hands after putting them on the center's ass.

The SkyCam thing freaks me out when it pops into the screen.

Tafoya says she talked to Ricky Proehl on the phone -- what a get, girl!

Kornholio finally has figured out that double covering a receiver opens up the field for other guys.

Kornholio reminds us of Steve Smith puking.

Wow.  Bears and Rams next week.  Maybe we'll put up the Festivus pole instead.

First quarter over.  Fans are booing.

A reader wants to know if Tom Walsh is calling the plays in Philly.

We almost got a shot of Andy Reid with a finger or two in his nose.

Terrible pass by Garcia on third down.

A reader wonders whether Garcia would be more effective if he tried throwing overhand.

By the way, another punt.  Panthers have the ball.

Hey, do you think Ricky Manning Jr. will be invited to the premiere of Mel Gibson's new movie?

Rocky in the booth.

What does it make Stallone think to hear "Rocky" when he comes to Philly?  It should make him think that he's done absolutely nothing else worth a sh-t in his career.

Sure, a character has become part of a city.  Who can think of Metropolis without thinking of Superman?

"Can't you be as stupid as Rocky?  Oh, wait.  Good job."

Gee, we didn't know the new Rocky flick was a Disney movie.

A reader says that Rocky would have brought Ivan Drago with him but the KGB fed him a polonium popsicle.

Oh, man -- the leather coats that the cops who escorted Rocky in were wearing are hella gay.

Rocky gives a shout out to Adrian.

Is it a coincidence that Brokeback Mountain is on HBO at the same time as this game?

Sunshine asks Sly a stupid-ass question.

Sly is "dispensing with the vanity" in the new Rocky movie.  So there will be no shots of a 60-year-old guy in great shape?

HELL YEA -- Kornholio asks about beating meat.

And Sunshine mentions something about choking chicken.

They're treating the guy like he's a freaking amusement park oddity.  "Can you say, 'Yo Tony', Sly?  Please?"

Next week, Gary Coleman will be in the booth and asking everyone, "What you talkin' 'bout?"  (And the irony is that it's the question we'd all like to ask them.)

A reader wishes the new movie would have killed Rocky instead of Adrian.

A reader suggests that Stallone return to the booth as Rambo.

A reader wonders whether Tony privately asked Sly to reenact the climax of his first movie.

Another reader compares Kornholio to the old Chris Farley Show on SNL:  "Hey, Sly.  Remember that time when you won the fight and you said, 'Yo, Adrian'?  That was awesome."

Hey, the original Adrian is in the stands.

Another punt coming from the Eagles.  My gosh this game sucks.

Did Tirico just refer to the Panthers as "South Carolina"?

Man, that bald guy must have gotten some bad clams casino.

Delhomme is crying for a flag -- and he's gonna get one.

Says a reader (who actually is a member of the "real" media):  "If you're still watching a game after one of the sock puppets says in the second quarter, 'This has become a game of field position,' you're either a serious football fan or in need of a divorce."

Eleven punts this half.

Holy crap, how did Stallworth catch that quail?

While also pushing off?

This game still blows.  My kid is playing Madden on the split screen and it's doing a better job of holding my interest.

Tirico says it's a "designed run" from Garcia, who then passed.

Guys, do you really think it was a designed run, since none of the linemen released downfield?

Almost picked off in the end zone.

A reader wants us to do play-by-play from the Madden game.  Unfortunately, he's running practice plays.  And it's still more interesting than MNF.

Touchdown Eagles!  7-7.

My kid wants me to play Madden with him.  I'm trying to persuade him to be Dallas Clark.

Tony refers to his fantasy team.

Florio Jr. thinks that the Madden Ben Roethlisberger doesn't look like the real guy.  I remind him that the graphics were probably done before Ben got up close and personal with a Chrysler.

Intentional grounding on the Panthers.  Kornholio has acquired wood via Brian Dawkins' celebration.

Dawkins is now on Kornholio's "fantasy" team.

Florio Jr. is pissed.  He started a game, and he's losing to the 49ers.

Garcia almost gets picked off.

Hines Ward just got clocked in Florio Jr.'s game.  Next play -- touchdown to Ward.  7-7.

Smith returns the punt, but goes nowhere.

Kornholio mentions the record "6" and "9".  Was he thinking about James Denton?

Niners inside the 20.  Florio Jr. is whining.

Crowd chanting "Keyshawn sucks."

Tirico thinks it's college rules for a moment.

Niners score.  14-7.

Another grounding penalty on Delhomme.  Maybe it's not intentional grounding; maybe he just sucks as a passer.

Florio Jr. fumbled the ensuing kickoff and got pissed off and quit the game.  He is now creating a player.

Did Kornholio say that he has underwear older that Brian Westbrook?

Wow.  Great catch and run by Smith.  Carolina has the ball inside the 20.

A reader suggests that Florio Jr. create a quarterback for the Bears.

Did we miss a sock puppet say that a guy had "gone limp"?

In HD, you can actually see the food particles in Andy Reid's moustache.

Touchdown, Panters.  Nice catch by Keyshawn.

Sunshine likes saying "cocky."  Kornholio likes saying it without the "y".

Florio Jr. has gone to bed.  He was confused about the Philly fans booing as the teams left the field, and then he recalled the Dallas game.  "Oh yeah," he said.  "I remember.  T.O. sucks!  T.O. sucks!  T.O. sucks!"

Either Eyeball's glasses are crooked on his head, or his eyes are crooked on his glasses.

This Ali thing is good.  Even better with the sound off.

Man, Cosell's hair suddenly got a lot thicker as he aged.

You know, we wonder how much Columbia Pictures paid ESPN to put Sly Stallone in the booth tonight.  Surely, that kind of stuff goes on.  Why else would ESPN pimp a non-Disney movie.

Second half starts.  Bad floater by Delhomme into double coverage.

What's with the hood on Kolber's winter coat?  Does she wear that thing to school?

A reader suggests that Sly Stallone works out with the bags under Tafoya's eyes.

Surprise!  Another punt.

Oh yeah -- Dallas Clark getting laid out.

Nice catch on a bad throw by Reggie Brown.

That pass was in slow motion. 

Snuggling?

Another incompletion.  Third and 10.

Correll Buckhalter fights for a key first down.

Tony says that the Eagles have a better chance of converting on third and ten than on third and one.  Huh?

Tirico say Westbrook is "touching it a lot more."

Eagles get another first down.

Gamble puts a shot on Reggie Brown's legs.

Panthers CB Ken Lucas done for the night.

Wow.  Nice mobility by Garcia, and who in the f--k was covering Donte' Stallworth?

14-14.

Sunshine said of the Panthers "you can run on the edge," and then said "you can't run on this team."  (Thanks reader.)

What was the dude with the sushi getting ready to do when he started to pull his shirt up?

What's this talk about cheese steaks sandwiches in Philadelphia?

Kornholio refers a tube steak, says a reader.

Nice second effort by DeAngelo Williams.  15-yard face mask on Mike Patterson.

Panthers cross midfield.

Nice throw from Delhomme to Keyshawn.

"DeShaun Williams," says Tirico.

Is Keyshawn a Hall of Famer? asks Sunshine.

DeAngelo Williams makes a great run on the screen pass.

Says a reader:  "Tony wants to know if the tube steak comes with fermunda cheese."

Sounds like the fans are chanting "asshole."

Research award goes to the reader who tells us this:  Marvin Harrison and Meshawn were drafted the same year.  Harrison has 995 catches and 116 touchdowns.  Johnson has 800 catches and 64 touchdowns.  No Canton for Johnson.  (And Harrison has about 3,000 more yards receiving.)

Joe tries to mimic Rocky.

Sunshine offers to play "a prisoner" in a Stallone movie.  Kornholio offers to be his stand in for the shower room scenes.

Uh-oh.  Roughing the passer.  (Is it still a penalty if the quarterback liked it?)

Eagles fans are cheering the possibility that Garcia is hurt.  The guy got smushed by Kris Jenkins.

Eagles gown to the 15.

Third quarter over.  Game is actually pretty good.

Eagles fail to convert -- time for a field goal.

"Great look over the top," Tirico says of the kick return.  (Yeah, if the goal is to induce vomiting.)

DeAngelo Williams is gashing the Eagles.

Um, Tony?  How about Kurt Warner?  (Kornholio suggests that Delhomme is the only undrafted quarterback to achieve any prominence in the past 15 years.)

Panthers sputter.  45-yard field goal try coming up.

Kasay nails it -- Panthers by 7.  Surprisingly good game.

Cameras on Steve Smith in the hopes of catching him in a full-blown vomit.

Throw by Garcia almost is picked off.

Excellent catch by Westbrook to keep the drive alive, and a great pass from Garcia.

Holy crap.  Touchdown just like that.

Chris Gamble got flat toasted.

Surprisingly good game tonight.

Delhomme scampers for a first down.  There's nothing like abject fear to get a guy to move faster than he's otherwise able to.

Kornholio is trying to jinx Carolina.

Panthers have pretty much abandoned the run game.

Daylight come and me wanna draft a quarterback.

Horrible throw by Jake.  Great run from Dawkins with the turnover.

Does Garcia even look to see if a guy is remotely in the vicinity of where he throws the ball?

Two shirtless men -- Tony is excited.

Westbrook takes direct snap with no quarterback on the field.

Hello, Thomas "Toupee".

Time out Carolina.  Eagles to try to take the lead with a field goal.

"Jevon Hearse," says Sunshine.

Suzy has on her knit hat.  Please pull it down a little farther.  Like 15 inches.

Another report from Suzy based on nothing that she has gleaned during the game.

Way to open the folder to get that quote just right, Tony.

Panthers get right down the field.  Two minute warning.

Keyshawn is okay -- Eagles fans are upset they didn't get to witness another Michael Irvin.

Panthers playing for overtime.  Show some sack and throw it to the end zone, Fox.

Reverse to Steve Smith gets the ball inside the ten, and lucky for the Panthers he fumbled out of bounds.

HOLY CRAP!!  LITO!!  LITO!!  LITO!!

Two feet in.  Game over.  Game over.

Incredible body control and presence of mind by Sheppard to make sure he gets a second foot down.

Meshawn should be penalized for whipping his helmet.

Keyshawn looks like he wants to cry.

A reader says that Tony liked Andy Reid's fist pump because it reminded Tony of his favorite hobby.

That's all for this one, folks.  See you next week for the Bears and Rams.