MONDAY NIGHT LIVE BLOG

COLTS AT JAGUARS

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CONTINUOUSLY UPDATED, OCTOBER 22, 2007

You're early again.  Don't you have anything else to do?  We're not ready for you just yet.

But, if you insist, we'll post a few things here throughout the day, just to give you a reason to interrupt your otherwise busy schedule by wasting some more of the boss's time.

So there's a cat fight brewing between Peyton Manning and Tony Kornheiser.  Be careful, Tony, or he'll drop his naked butt and rectum on your face.

Per USA Today, Steve Carell and Russell Crowe will visit the booth on Monday night.  If Carell makes any cracks about Jimmy Kimmel or Joe Theismann, Crowe will throw a phone at him.

A reader who also is an NFL agent says that Ditka was merely reacting on Monday night in Week One to an erection that lasted longer than four hours.

Steve Young cracks on Stu Scott again for the arm-wrestling thing, but it wasn't nearly as compelling as last week.

The wire on the left side of Steve Young's head is no longer folding over his Vulcan ear.

Ed Werder of ESPN says that running back Joseph Addai and safety Bob Sanders will play tonight.

Emmitt is speechless when talking about Chad Pennington.  Maybe Emmitt should talk about Chad Pennington more often.

Keyshawn's hanky doesn't match his tie.  (Maybe the red thing in his pocket are his panties.)

Based on the ESPN coverage thus far, are the Colts playing the Patriots tonight?

Did Berman just suggest that Andrew Jackson had something in common with Thomas Jefferson?

Boomer seems to be gradually accepting the fact that he's balding.

Stu -- Emmitt played a little college ball in Florida, too.

Tafoya is wearing a men's smoking jacket.

Suzy is ditching, a bit, the Leather Tuscadero mullet.

"They don't sugar coat . . . unlike me."

A reader is waiting for Archie Manning to declare that he does not want his sons to play on Monday nights.

Keyshawn hints that it might be time for a change at quarterback in Philly. 

Tuna continues his subtle politicking to become the next G.M. of the Eagles.

A reader points out that E. Smith isn't the first athlete to use the term "escape goat."  Said Karl Malone once:  "I ain't gonna be no escape goat!"

A reader thinks that Sal Paolantonio should be careful about going into any coach's office where the lights are dim and the occupant is "very stiff."

Stu makes a stupid math comparison.

Steve Young makes a great point -- a team from your own division is never afraid of you.

Some redundancy from E. Smith:  "The Colts have problems with these guys every year, these guys give the Colts a problem."

Emmitt is starting to correct himself when he misspeaks.  (That's a good thing; it's the first step toward not misspeaking.)

ESPN recycles last year's Ben Stiller routine.

Reader:  "That clip was almost as bad as The Heartbreak Kid."

A reader wants to know if the UPS "whiteboard" guy makes an espresso with a little lemon twist.

Great point raised on Countdown -- with Ronnie Brown out, will Ricky Williams play for the Fins?

Mort says it might take another month for a decision to be made.

Coach Ditka has his velvet slippers back on.

If Mike Ditka thinks Brad Childress is crazy, does that make Childress sane?

Ditka and Parcells need to sit up straight in those chairs; one readers says it looks like they're waiting for lap dances.

ESPN pimps another lame ABC show.

Stu Scott uses the word "ginormous" more often than he says that someone or something is as "cool as the other side of the pillow."

Guys, it's a football show.  Don't talk about the World Series.

Tony is holding his microphone like it's his . . . um . . . never mind.

It's volcanic for a team to cut the starter nine days before the start of the season?  How about trading the starter two days after it?  (It's worked out okay for Cleveland.)

The ESPN guys are jinxing the hell out of David Garrard and his interceptions.

Mike Tirico saw Bill Polian on the field, and Polian didn't step on him?

Dwight Freeney is trying to spend all of his signing bonus in one place.

The wife says that Marie Osmond just passed out on Dancing with the Stars.

Hey, E. Smith, you're not a "media type."  You're an "escape goat."

More talk about the Patriots.  Guys, they're not playing tonight.

Peyton Manning "deflects attention to his teammates" -- especially when things do go the right way.

Marie Osmond update:  She's fine.  Except for the fact that Donnie is her brother.

Hey, ESPN -- how about some recent clips of Manning.  You know, from before they ditched the blue masks?

Hoge and Stink working overtime for a cameo on the Parcells coaching session.

We wonder how Schlereth feels about getting a prostate exam from Parcells.

Reader:  "Why didn't Schlereth chop block Tom Jackson?"

Ed Werder says that Marvin Harrison's knee looks good.

New drinking game for Countdown?  Bend an elbow whenever Keyshawn says, "At the end of the day."

"These pretzels are making me thirsty."

So Keyshawn picks the Colts because he wants them to be undefeated when they play the Pats?

The Prozac is kicking in on Emmitt.

Everyone but Tuna picks the Colts.

Game on.  Cue Hank Williams, bitch.

"Sold out" -- thanks to a bunch of seats that we no longer try to sell.

Jaworski has been wearing those ladies' glasses for so long that we're now numb to them.

The lame monologue by Kornholio with the visual effects is somehow lamer.

Hey, no reference to Steve Carell in the booth.

To hell with Tony and his dissing of Jacksonville.  I've been there twice, and I love it.

Lip reader alert . . . Dwight Freeney just said "that's f--ked up."

What's with the vomit references from Tafoya and Kolber?  (Maybe Michelle really is the father of Suzy's baby.)

Hey, it's Steve Carell.  He's a little effeminate when he's not in character.

We know how to get Peyton pregnant.  Give Tom Brady $50 bucks and a bottle of Mad Dog.

Jack Del Rio has raided Dwight Schrute's closet.

GAME ON. 

Colts have the ball first.  I need Manning to score less than 23 points on the NFL.com system to win one of my fantasy games.

Can someone ask Kurt Warner if it's okay for me to pray that he doesn't do it?

Colts are already in Jags territory.

Manning is almost picked.  Folks, pray a little harder.

Jaws managed to explain that one without saying what it was -- Manning threw a bad ball.

Holy crap Bobby McCray was 15 yards downfield on that play.

Will someone tell these idiots in the booth that it's not "Jag-wires"?

Jags start from their own nine.

Would a computer game geek ever buy a truck?

Reader:  "It should be a Jetta commercial."

Drew Brees in a Pro Bowl commercial?  They must have made that thing in July.

Tirico pronounces "Jaguars" correctly.

Freeney is handled by the double team.

A big white guy dropping passes for Jacksonville who isn't Matt Jones?

Mike Tirico likes Mo-Jo Drew . . . primarily because Tirico likes anyone who is shorter than him.

A reader says from his wireless device (presumably a Sprint) is sitting behind Jared from Subway, who is wearing a Dallas Clark jersey.  (And, yes, the reader called Jared a fat bastard.)

Tirico says that Mo-Joe "lights up a room"; a reader points out that Mo-Jo "lights up (allegedly) anyone working on a laptop in the room."

Colts go three and out.

Jacksonville fans celebrate by waving flaccid penises.

Tonight's drinking game -- bend it whenever anyone mentions Tom Brady or the Patriots.  (We'll put the emergency rooms on alert.)

Wilford hasn't dropped one yet.  Bizarre.

Fragile Fred revs it up for 17.

Jags on the Indy 41.

Jags face key third down from the Indy 35.

Mo-Jo goes nowhere.

Gutsy call on fourth down -- Wilford is truer to form by dropping one that hits his hands.

Reader, regarding Jaws:  "A man who wears glasses like that should not use words like 'fantastic.'"

The drinking game is quickly getting out of hand.

Great point from a reader -- why is Del Rio wearing a suit if he unbuttons the shirt and loosens the tie in the first quarter?

Peyton is crying for a roughing the passer call.

A reader points out that Tafoya is dressed like Disco Stu.

Another readers says she's Keith Partridge.

Addai saves the drive.

Great defense by the Jags on a play that just felt like it was going to be a touchdown.

Colts to go for it on fourth down and short.

Addai cut more times than an old man full of beans.

There's a pleasant thought -- the world gets blown up and some dude's truck is strong enough to allow him to merely die of suffocation in space.

Kenton Keith scores for the Colts.  (At least it wasn't a touchdown pass.)

Del Rio has his challenge flag in a sock.  Right next to his wallet.  (And his tin of Copenhagen -- thanks reader.)

Several readers think that Del Rio is the drunk uncle at a wedding.

Next Monday's game starts early because of the World Series game in Colorado -- Tirico says the Super Bowl and the World Series will be going on at the same time.  Huh?

We're getting plenty of complaints from Joe Addai owners after Keith vultured that last score.

Hey, it's a Reggie Williams sighting.

Tirico apparently referred to the Jags as undefeated.

Jags are back in Indy territory.

Mo-Jo goes nowhere, thanks to Bob Sanders.

Northcutt gets a first down as the Jags keep on moving.

Suzy's hair is getting curlier as the night goes on.

So much for Suzy adding something that has gone on during the game.

Reader:  "Did L.T. take his Vizio with him to Arizona?"  (Oh, man -- that's cold.  But we don't write these.)

David Garrard is hurt.  Where's Fat Albert?

Jaws doesn't want to play doctor?!?

Tony says, "Why not?"

Interception by Bob Sanders deep in Indy territory -- Colts ball.

Observation from a media member who reads the Live Blog:  "It's pretty funny that redneck Jacksonville has more black quarterbacks than Grambling."

Garrard is heading to the locker room.  Colts have the ball on their 24.

Suzy says that Garrard has an ankle injury, and that it's being taped up better in the locker room.

A reader suggests giving Quinn Gray the "Matt Cassel" award for throwing a pick and then getting yanked.

Jaws say that Peyton Manning tried to stick it in to Dallas Clark.  Ugh.

First down Colts, near the 50.  Eight minutes to go in the half.

Keith loses his hat, but get a first down.  Somebody poked him in the eye.  (Accidentally, we assume.  Riiiiight.)

Long pass to Wayne, who made no effort to turn it upfield.

Addai muscles to toward the goal line.  This one could be over early.

Dammit!  Rushing touchdown for Manning.

Three straight drinks, fans.  Kornholio said "Brady" three times.

14-0, Indy.

Ten more points from Manning and/or Vinatieri, and I'm toast in my fantasy game.

5:18 to go in the half, Jags try to get the thing under control.

Great -- the Heineken robot commercial.  Now I'll have nightmares again.

Fragile Fred rips one off.

Garrard is back, by the way.

Jags looking to go for it near midfield.  Desperation move.  If it doesn't work, it could be 21-0 at the half.

Kenton Keith is loopy because his helmet came off and someone went piñata on it.

Stuffed.  This one could be over at the half.

Screen pass gets exploded by John Henderson.

Marcus Strauss (thanks, Emmitt) is guilty of a facemask grab. 

Del Rio is resigned to the fact that his team can't hang with the Colts.

Good-bye Tony.  We won't miss you.

How is it that a big fat guy can say "only babies get what they want all the time" with a straight face?

Another Pats reference -- Brandon Marshall reminds all readers of the blog not to drive home drunk.

Colts are about to deliver the death blow.

Oooh.  Almost a pick.  Would have been -2 points for Mr. Potato Head.

Holy crap?  Is Jaws serious?  Manning missed Keith.  No way that was a drop.

17-0.  This one is over.

Readers are looking forward to Russell Crowe beating the sh-t out of Tony.

More Pats/Brady references.

Hey, Henderson -- say it don't spray it.

Jags don't even try to move the ball on last drive.  End of half.  End of game.

We might call this one early.

We think we need to pull the plug on the drinking game.  Everyone is officially blotto.

More Patriots references.  CBS wants to thank ESPN for adding so much hype to the November 4 game.

Is Tony broadcasting from Baghdad?

So The Who was playing at halftime and we get more of the same stuff we can see five days a week at 5:30 p.m.?

Okay.  Third quarter starting.

Tony keeps banging the "We're as good as the Pats" drum.

Hello, Pocket Hercules.

Quinn Gray re-enters the game.

Suzy says that Garrard is down for the rest of the game.

Matt Jones is the inactive No. 3 quarterback?  So much for all those Pro Bowls that Mort once said he'd qualify for.

We're getting reports of a Jags fan performing impure acts with the foam thingees.  We're checking the TiVo.

Uh-oh.  It's confirmed.  (Apparently, he's been playing tonight's drinking game.)

TOUCHDOWN JAGS.

Maybe it's not over. . . .

Hello, wasted time out.

Touchdown stands.  17-7.

Reader:  "Apparently, that guy declared himself to be sponge-worthy."

Colts will start from their own 23.  Where's Russell Crowe to disrupt what's become a decent game?

The reader who is sitting near Jared from Subway says that he refused an offer of some popcorn.  But the reader called him a fat bastard anyway.

Harrison has the Reche Caldwell eyes tonight.

"Bullsh-t" says Del Rio.

Del Rio is arguing but he's wr-wr-wr-wr-mistaken.

Does that count as a fumble?  Could be -2 for Herman Munster.

Tony Uh-oh is out.

Addai tries to get the first down, but no dice.  Punt time for the Colts.

Russell Crowe is coming up.  Whoop-de-freaking-doo.

Meanwhile, I'm waiting for two points to come off of the board after that Manning fumble.

Reader:  "Why don't Suzy or Tafoya make themselves worthwhile and tell us why Ugoh is out."

Another reader:  "Del Rio looks like my dad after four high balls on a day he got his ass chewed by the boss."

First words out of Crowe's mouth -- "howdy doody."

Reader:  "If Crowe heard about the PFT drinking game, no one is making it out of the booth alive."

"Sorry to interrupt you, Russ.  But, you know, there's a football game going on."

Reader:  "Hey, Crocodile Dundee -- this is America and we throw the ball forward."

Reader:  "Khalif Barnes needs to pretend that he's a tree and Dwight Freeney is his car."

Finally, a Ugoh update.  And . . . there's no update.

Several readers are boycotting the game until Crowe is gone.

A reader points out that Crowe's rugby team is the Bengals of the sport.

Thanks to the reader who snapped a photo of the dude who was doing something that we can't quite put to words.

Wait, is that Dennis Miller?

Does anyone understand Crowe?

Farewell, Russell.

Wow.  Great catch by Reggie Wayne.

End of third quarter.

Wayne might have bobbled that one a little when he hit the ground.

Reader:  "I don't know if I'd cough up seven bucks for Crowe's new movie but I'd empty the piggy bank to see him whack Kornholio with a rotary phone."

The Maestro?  The Maestro?  Bob Cobb?

22-7, Colts.

More commercials.  Might as well join in.

This one's over but we'll see it through.

Jones-Drew gets a first down.

Jags went from being dejected to elated when he saw his mug on the video screen.

A reader suggests re-naming this game "Gray's Lobotomy."

Reader:  "I've been playing the drinking game with water, and I think I'm dying."

I'm praying for a Peyton pick.

Thank you Brenda Warner!

Reader:  "Now please focus your prayers on Kornheiser's vocal cords."

Okay, now I feel like Bruce Almighty with all of the requests I'm getting.

Reader:  "Can you pray for a reversal of the sex-change operation Larry Johnson got after he signed his new contract?"

Indy takes over on downs.  If the Colts keep it on the ground, I win my fantasy game.  If Manning throws for 26 more yards, it's a tie. 

And if I'd gone with Calvin Johnson instead of Derek Hagan (thanks, Rosenthal) I'd be cruising to a win.

Why is Harrison out?

If Vinatieri gets a field goal, I'm screwed.

Here's a better shot of the Jags fan from earlier.

Oh well.  So much for praying.

Touchdown to Jared's favorite player.

Okay.  We're done.  Let me know if E. Smith says anything stoopid during the postgame.

Nice earrings on Grizzly Adams.

Okay, we're done now.  We mean it.

Tirico has his head up his butt when talking about the 2005 AFC playoffs -- Steelers beat the Colts in a divisional game.  How in the hell does a guy who covers sports for a living not know that?