MONDAY NIGHT

GIANTS AT FALCONS

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Tirico hires a replacement to handle tonight's looming snoozefest.

CONTINUOUSLY UPDATED, OCTOBER 15, 2007

We're getting another early start (it's now 12:33 p.m. EDT) on the festivities.  Actually, we just wanted to say hello to anyone who was so bored on a Monday afternoon that he/she would actually poke around on a Live Blog that doesn't go live for another six hours or so.

Tonight's game could be the first official MNF snooze-a-rama of the year.  But who thought that last week's game would be any good?

We wonder if Mike Vick will watch some of the game.  It's not like he has anything else to do between the hours of 10:00 p.m. and 6:00 a.m.

Okay, it's 6:30 p.m. and we're now rolling.

We're catching up via TiVo on the ESPN SportsCenter, and there was a classic moment between Stu Scott and Steve Young.

After video of some guy in a Giants jersey beating some guy in a Falcons jersey in arm wrestling, Stu was spewing some nonsense about how last week the guy in the Cowboys shirt won and Dallas went on to win the game and so that must mean the Giants will win the game.

And then Steve Young sort of snapped.

Young:  "You actually . . . so you pay attention to that?  That means something -- that's meaningful to you?"

After he said it, Young looked over to Emmitt Smith for support, but Steve quickly realized that, as usual when it comes to Emmitt, no one was home in the house.

Said Stu:  "The guy won with the Dallas jersey, Dallas won the game."

Young:  "Guys, the whole organizations put their whole lives on -- for Monday night football and it's gonna come down to two goofballs in the parking lot."

Stu:  "That's what happened."

Emmitt:  "That's how they should do their draft choices."

Stu:  "That's what happened."

Young:  "ESPN. . . .  Why are we even here? . . . .  Giants are gonna win because they won the arm wrestling."

Classic.

It was almost funny enough for us to miss Emmitt say "mismaktch."  And then he stammered as he tried to say "these two rookie tackles."  And then he said "mixmatch."

Bob Holtzmann says that Falcons kicker Morten Anderson said that this team needs to have more fun. 

Emmitt is now referring to himself as "E. Smith."

Emmitt -- why not mention that you said on Sunday that Adrian Peterson would be shut down?

A reader has a question about today's photo of the ESPN Monday night crew:  "Don't you usually alter their picture in some way?"

John Clayton butchered Osi Umenyiora's last name.

Does the fantasy guy's right ear stick out a lot farther than his left ear?

Sean Salisbury picks the Giants by 14.  (Quick -- bet the Falcons!)

With all the talk about the Pats being one of the best offenses ever, why does no one mention the common link between the Pats and the team that set the single-season scoring record -- the 1998 Vikings?

Ditka has traded in the shirt and tie for one of Suzy's turtlenecks.

Keyshawn and Tom Jackson are cracking on the Cowboys for being undisciplined.

Key disses Patrick Crayton.  "He's starting by default," Keyshawn says.

Post-free agency football is after 1993, Steve.  Not 1995.

Steve Young of all people should not this, since his Niners used the free agency rules to buy the Lombardi in 1994.

Has Suzi Quattro has her wattle removed?

Suzi actually had a little less perkiness in her voice.  Could she be getting tips on how to improve her performance from the Live Blog?

Michelle says "yous guys."

Mort says that Warner will miss a game and then come back after the bye.

Mort also says there's no rush to put Brady Quinn into the lineup.

Mort says that Derek Anderson was undrafted.  He was a sixth-round pick of the Ravens in 2005.

Sal Paolantonio says that the Soup Nazi has softened his approach.  (Haven't we been hearing that for the last seven years?)

A reader points out that the soundtracks segment was from an offseason workout in May -- not much pressure.

Keyshawn says that the Soup Nazi looks mean.

Readers point out that Parcells needed a mansiere even when he was young.

Parcells to Keyshawn:  "You're from inner-city Los Angeles and Coach Coughlin looks mean?"

Ditka is essentially suggesting that the Bengals should dump Mucho Stinko.

Parcells:  "When things are going bad, the character of the team shows up."

Mort says that the team is afraid that if they discipline Mucho Stinko he'll quit.

Who's to blame in Atlanta?  RICH McKAY.  RICH McKAY.  RICH McKAY.

Jimmy Kimmel?  Zzzzzzz.  Emmitt cracks on Jimmy for not having a tie on.  Jimmy resists the urge to say something like, "Talk much, Emmitt?"  (Reader:  "Jimmy should have said, 'Thanks, E. Smith.  I appreciate your show prep.'")

Jimmy starts to crack on Emmitt for his dancing.  "The Tooth Fairy."

Jimmy mentions "the little midget guy."

Next segment on Countdown is how far Mike Vick set back the franchise.  Says a reader, "With him, they would have had a top ten pick in the draft.  Now, they'll have a top five selection."

Tuna calls it "temporary irreparable damage."  (It looked like Parcells -- sounded like Emmitt.)

Keyshawn acknowledges that Falcons coach Bobby Petrino is looking to get in position to draft Brian Brohm.

Steve Young has a cold sore on his lip.  (Reader:  "Maybe Steve spent some time with Mike Vick in the offseason.")

Classic Emmitt instant contradiction:  "It's gonna be a long fall -- a quick fall."  (The dude is like Homer Simpson not realizing that he's thinking out loud.)

Young thought the Falcons were a stable organization.  Man, he really did have a few too many concussions.

Now Emmitt can't remember the names of teams.

The stuff they're talking about with the Falcons and internal division was going on last year but they tried to cover it all up.

Reader:  "Man, I feel bad for the guy who has to type up what Emmitt says for the closed captioning."

Mort says that the Bucs are still looking for a running back -- Mewelde Moore of the Vikings and Tatum Bell of the Lions.

Mort also says it'll be a month or a month and a half before Ricky Williams' petition for reinstatement is decided.

Wow -- Mort says that the Jets are willing to listen to offers for Pennington.  (I need to put that on the Rumor Mill.)

Keyshawn and Vinny both say that the Panthers should stick with Vinny.

Tony's right hand is awfully close to Jaws' butt.  And then Tony moves it.  And then he moves it back.

Oh man the drawings for Tony's thing about the leadership council was lame.

Tom Jackson suggests that the Cowboys were too casual in accepting defeat by 21 points.

Emmitt:  "The Patriots sent a strong message to both divisions."  Huh?

Reader:  "I wonder if ESPN will have any ambience shots outside the club where Ray Lewis' posse killed those two guys?"

Emmitt thinks the game will slow down for Eli in a couple of years.  You mean it hasn't slowed down yet?

Actually, Tuna, Eli came out the night he separated his shoulder.

Bob Holtzmann says Fat Albert is talking like he's ready to play.

What was the name of the baseball guy Chris Berman quoted?  Emmitt Smith?

Hey, Osi -- can't you afford a jock strap?

Emmitt says "ball club" without saying "golf club."  And then he says "the Michael Irv."

They're all picking the Giants.

Steve Young says the crowd is dead.

I'M HANK WILLIAMS, BITCHES.

The first five minutes of the show is meaningless.  Just line up and kick the damn thing off so we can get to bed by midnight.

Reader:  "You'll be in bed by midnight.  It's the Giants vs. the Falcons."

Strahan can't carry Osi's jock because Osi doesn't own one.

"Can you smell what the Rock's been eating?"  Only funny thing Tom Arnold has ever said.

Game on.  Falcons have the ball.

First down Falcons.

The black uniform doesn't have the desired slimming effect for Ovie Mughelli.

Two first downs.

Falcons cross the 50.

Three first downs.  Osi doesn't have five sacks yet.

Joey Harrington looks like Nicholas Cage.  Kind of.

A dropped pass by a wideout.  Just like last year.

Nice effort by the rookie for the Falcons.  But no catch.

Andersen looks goofier each year with that old Terry Bradshaw facemask.

The Giants start at their own 27 after a kick return by Reuben Droughns.

Falcons lead, 3-0.

And more commercials. 

How do you know the Giants are on offense?  Brandon Jacobs gets hurt.

Sinorice Moss.  He's still in the league?

The report on Jacobs?  As a reader points out, it's the dreaded bruised vagina.

Uh-oh.  Running into the kicker.

Roughing the kicker.  15 yards.

David Putty is at the game.  Good for him.

"Plaxico not practice-o."  Priceless.

Giants at the Falcons 32 after a nice catch from Burress.

Lawyer Milloy cracks on Grady Jackson with a nickname -- "You Gonna Eat That."

Jacobs is back.

He gets down to the five, without getting hurt.

Great.  Touchdown to Toomer.  Right after I dumped him from my fantasy team after three weeks of crap.

Exclusive photo of Grady Jackson eating his pre-game meal.

Wow.  Norwood takes it the distance on the first snap of the drive.

10-7.

Droughns fights off a big hit and keep going.

First down for Jacobs.  And no injury.

Another Jacobs run.  Still not injured.

Manning is looking sharp tonight. 

And again.  Already inside the 20.

Sweet catch by Toomer at the one.

Touchdown, Droughns.  13-10.

Oh wow, Droughns blew up Keith Brooking.

How in the hell did they find a hat to fit Jared Lorenzen's head?

Okay, Suzi Quattro's perkiness is back.

Run into this, Strahan says.

Kornheiser just figuring out there's a problem between Crumpler and Petrino.

End of first quarter.

Tirico doing his best to keep folks from assuming the Falcons will blow this one.

Punt coming from the Falcons.

Does anyone pay attention to those UPS commercials with Balki from Perfect Strangers?

Grady Jackson plugs up the hole -- and any toilet he encounters.

Fumble?  How does a fumble go that far forward?

Wow.  It's a fumble.  Falcons are in business.

There are some fat men on the field tonight, and their clothes are too damn tight.

Crumpler -- way to hold the ball after you bitched last week.

Oh man, when a kicker does have the range from 48 yards when playing indoors, it's time to call it a career.

Another catch from Toomer.  Giants moving again. 

We all should have ankles as f--ked up as Plaxico's.

Lawyer Milloy should stick to video games.  He clearly is no longer able to cover wide receivers.

Giants up by 11.  Falcons falling apart.

Is Milloy's gamer tag "OSlayer" or "OVerrated"?

A reader points out that Eli should be pretty damn good when, as Emmitt predicts, the game slows down for him in three or four years.

Traffic is a little down tonight.  Is there a baseball game or something tonight?

That big fat guy would be fined like $200,000 for his touchdown celebration.  (Reader:  "How did Byron Leftwich get a Dr. Pepper commercial?")

Is Mo-Jo Drew on the Grady Jackson meal plan?

Was there a set of twins in the crowd who look like Jessie Palmer?

Plaxico almost gets another one.

DeAngelo Hall pushes Sinorice Moss after the play.

Will Winston Justice of the Eagles be forever known as Osi's Biatch?  (Probably.)

Two minute warning.  At least next week we'll get the Colts and the Jags.

Hey, we've finally found the one guy who has bought Cardinals gear.

Another sack. 

If Harrington can't go, Redman has to play.  If Fat Albert enters before the fourth quarter, none of the other can re-enter.

Another punt.  Giants have the ball at their own 45.

Giants moving toward field goal range.   Twenty-eight ticks left in the first half.

Manning throws a pick.  Half is essentially over.  Giants lead by 11.

Who the hell was Eli throwing it to?

Tafoya says that Joey Harrington has a "left ankle issue."  What the hell does that mean?

Osi had that pick, and Joey is getting mandhandled.

Halftime.  Boo birds.

Is it the "pocket version" of PTI or the "pocket pool" version of PTI?

Reader:  "Breaking news -- Mort reports that Winston Justice was once Osi Umenyiora's cell mate."

Second half coming.  Folks, please send enough e-mails to keep me awake.  This is brutal.

Giants start with the ball.

Brandon Jacobs' runs the ball.  Still not injured.

Another nice run from Brandon and his bruised hoochie.

Michelle says that Harrington is still the "starting quarterback."  Um.  The game "started" two hours ago.

Punt time for the Giants.

Great.  Jimmy Kimmel coming to the booth.

Lawyer Milloy tried to trade himself to the Giants.

Jimmy:  "What happened to Joe? . . .  I thought Tony had him fired."

"Is anyone watching still?" Jimmy asks.

Looks like Harrington has a new chin strap.

"Harrington's not a very good quarterback but he's very nice to his pets."

That's actually pretty damn funny.

"Do you think Joe is watching?"

(Reader:  "I'm sure Joe is watching.  This is probably the best game he's ever seen.")

Falcons are moving.  They could still make this a game.

Tony uses the "why does a dog lick himself?" reasoning on Jimmy's plan to go cross-country and back again all week.

Kimmel needs to let the Joe Theismann lines go.

Brandon Jacobs gets another carry.  No injury.

Early whistle robs Falcons of a touchdown.

No reason for the Giants to run a quick play -- it was not reviewable.

"Did you guys bet on this game?"

Shockey trips DeAngelo Hall -- not a bad idea since Hall was otherwise gone.

Tirico:  "Hall, loving himself for the interception."

Jimmy:  "I didn't know you were allowed to show people loving themselves."

Another classic.

There's a debate about whether Jimmy's fly is open.

Alge drops one.

Readers are suggesting that teams use Shockey's "sweep the leg" technique for dealing with Devin Hester.

Leave Jimmy in there and send Tony away.

Now that Kimmel is gone we're about to pull the plug.

We'll hang in there for now.

Tirico and Jaws call out Korny's theory that Manning is under pressure because of his name -- he was the No. 1 overall pick in the draft!

ESPN finally gets a huge game for MNF.

Fourth quarter.

Jacobs gets another carry.  And isn't hurt.

Freaking Toomer is blowing up now that I dumped the bastard from my fantasy team.

Giants are close to putting it away.  Three points.  24-10.

Tony has visions of men kicking footballs in kilts.

We're really slowing down here.  The guys in the booth are now talking about Mike Vick's bonus money.

A reader points out (and we confirmed via TiVo) that a Giants fans in the stands said, "F--k yeah it was" after the Toomer catch was reversed. 

A reader listening to the Westwood One radio feed says that our pal Boomer Esiason kinda/sorta dropped the "F" bomb by explaining that Harrington is like a member of the Fukawi Indian tribe, an apparent reference to an old jock with a punch line of "Where the Fukawi?"

Five minutes or so left in this one.  Well, they all can't be classic like last week.

Few readers are shocked by the image of Fat Albert eating on the sidelines.

Another touchdown.  Over.  Over.  Long since over. 

We need a good catch phrase for when the game is over, like Dandy Don's old song.  We're taking suggestions.

Also, feel free to send in ideas for the photo of the broadcasting crew.

We're sick of this crap about players not liking the fact that a football coach acts like a football coach.  My freaking grade school coach would kick us in the ass or drag up by our facemasks if we screwed up.  And it worked.

We're gonna make it until the end.  If only to hear what Emmitt has to say.

I can't do it.  I'll stick with TiVo.  E-mail me anything stupid Emmitt has to say.

Or, rather, let me know if he doesn't say anything stupid.  That would be more noteworthy.

One last thing -- when in the hell will Kenny Mayne quit referring to football as "tackle football"?  It was funny.  In 1995.