WEEK TWO LIVE BLOG

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville

We're back for another live blog.  And we're settling in for the next three hours or so with two Gatorade bottles.  One full.  One empty.  (For now.)

We'll be continuously posting updates with our comments and observations regarding the game.  It's the stuff that the sock puppets can't or won't say -- especially since a lot of it makes fun of the sock puppets themselves.

Here we go.

During the pregame discourse, Tony Kornholer made a premeditated funny, asking whether the next health mishap for Big Ben could be finding out that he's pregnant.

Michelle Tafoya says that Coach Chin thinks Big Ben plays better when not feeling well.  It makes him more focused.  Huh?

Suzy has brought her TV voice again, with that annoying bubbly crap that no one -- we repeat, no one -- finds appealing.  (Except Joe Namath.  When drunk off his ass.)

Ah, the Hank Williams Jr. opening.  Are there any washed-up rockers who aren't in it?

First quarter.  Roethlisberger gets the start.  Pass for first down on first play to Tuman.  Next play, another pass to tight end Heath Miller.  Both off of play-action.

Willie Parker meets Donovin Darius.

We hate the new introduction thing, with few names mentioned.

Parker takes another hit -- the Jags bring the lumber harder than the Fins, so far.

Big Ben in shotgun formation on third and five, finds Cedrick Wilson with a floater, but the zebras call it incomplete.  Good call.  Fourth down.

Joey Sunshine scores a point over Kornholer, explaining that he's interested in seeing how Big Ben looks not early in the game, but in the second half given his lack of work.

Replays of the incompletion look closer that it was, but the Steelers have opted not to challenge -- even though Coach Chin threw the red flag.  Kudos to Mike Tirico for clarifying that the rules allow the red flag to be reeled in, after Kornholer and Joey Sunshine question whether it's a legitimate move.

"Chris Gardocki has never had a punt blocked."  Every play-by-play guy wants to be the one to jinx Gardocki.

Ernest Wilford needs a freakin' haircut -- he looks like a chick.

Fred Taylor getting nowhere in two tries.

Joey Porter needs to shut the hell up, but we like his homage to Dave Chappelle doing Howard Dean.

Fat Albert's windup is way too slow.

Reggie Williams catches two straight passes; that must be some kind of a record.

Great graphic regarding Fat Albert's reduced interceptions in 2005.

We're getting e-mails slamming Joey Sunshine for not knowing that the red flag can be reeled in.

Fat Albert connects with Moonshine Jones and gets into Steelers territory.

Larry Foote chops down Fat Albert for a sack.

ESPN graphic jinxes Fat Albert -- interception kills drive.

The sound on ESPNHD is dead; gotta switch over to low-tech to hear the sock puppets.  (Hmmm.  Maybe we'll do without the audio.)

Hey, folks, we don't give a crap about seeing the medical diagrams.

"Even a shut down of the bowel" -- did we just hear Tafoya say that?  (We liked the Evel Knievel reference, given Ben's "other" offseason surgery.)

Deep ball for Hines Ward just too far.  Unexpectedly good point by Joey Sunshine that Ben is a little off due to missing time in the preseason.  The only problem is that he didn't miss time in the preseason.  He missed the first game of the regular season.  Moron.

Brian Williams slams Hines Ward like a can of beer.  Time for Gardocki, who's never had a punt blocked.

Jags will start at the 15.  Time to go see if we're suffering from shut down of the bowel.

Sound on ESPNHD still kaput.

Joey Porter mouthing off to George Wrightster.

Reggie Freaking Williams.  Nice receiver screen and run.

End of first quarter.  No score. 

Fat Albert faces heavy pressure and throws one away on third down.

Near disaster for Ricardo Colclough, who takes punt off of face mask and nearly fumbles it. 

Madden 07 commercial with Chad Johnson showboating in video.  We wonder if there's a graphic in the EA game of Brian Russell knocking Chad's head off? 

Willie Parker is going nowhere.  Four carries for 10 yards.

Tony suggests betting the under on the game -- too bad that Vegas typically frowns on taking over/under bets after the game starts.

Donovin Darius draws 15 for laying out Nate Washington.

Steelers at their own 44; more nowhere for Parker.  Six rushes, 12 yards.

Seven for 13.  Ugh.

"Unknown city, unknown coach, unknown team" -- how many times will Kornholer say this tonight?

Big Ben fights off a sack and then sets up Verron Haynes to get schwapped.

Gardocki back -- never had a punt blocked.

Coach Chin looks pissed off at someone.

Audio on ESPNHD is still shot.

A reader suggests that Fat Albert has a run/pass "tell"; we'll monitor whether it's accurate before we post it.

Hello?  Anybody out there?

Fat Albert sails one on Moonshine.

RB Derrick Wimbush out with a left knee sprain, per Suzy Kolber.

Nice gain on screen pass, and 15 for a low hit on Fat Albert.  Joey Sunshine harps on how refs are protecting the quarterbacks.  Again, no mention of Trent Green getting blown up.

Fat Albert's "tell" isn't.

Leftwich already is 9-for-12.

Fred Taylor starting to heat up.

Fourth and short for the Jags.  Planning to go for it.  In the end, Jags were merely trying to get the Steelers to jump offside.

Kornholer tries to give Joey Sunshine heat for saying Jags would go for it, and Sunshine bristles a bit.  We hope they get into a slap fight eventually.

Boring game so far.  Maybe Gardocki will finally have a damn punt blocked so Tirico will quit talking about how he has never had one blocked.

Steelers pinned in at their six.  Verron Haynes can't get anywhere, either.

Says a reader on the prospects of Korholer and Sunshine scrapping:  I got $20 on Joey Sunshine in a slap fight.  Kornholer is taking a dive in the third; I bribed him with a toupee.

Two straight passes to Haynes and Gardocki punts again.

Only 5:15 left in the half. 

Dwayne Wade is at the game -- big f--kin' deal.  Where's Tom Cruise? 

Please get the guy out of the booth.  There's a game going on.  No one cares about Wade, and whether he played football.

Jags peter out at midfield.  Another punt.

Steelers pinned at the two.  Even worse, Wade is staying in the booth.  Hopefully, he'll wake up by the time they come back from commercial.

Hey, everyone -- MNF doesn't suck simply because it's not on network television.  We got Dwayne Wade here.  Dwayne Wade!!!!

Man, that new NBA game looks sweet, even though we hate basketball.

What are those floppy white things the crowd is waving?  And do they bear a Cialis logo on them?

Two minute warning.  Wade still in the booth.  It's good that they picked a relatively meaningless point in the game for his visit.

Another screen pass.

Kornholer says Big Ben was drafted "fairly late" in round one.  Since when is No. 11 overall "fairly late"?

What the f--k?  Pictures of Dwayne Wade in flashy-ass duds?  Please get this guy out of the booth and talk about football.  Now.

Third and 16 for the Steelers.  Willie Parker has eight carries for nine yards.

Inside handoff to Haynes?  Why not just take a knee?

Jags will get ball with roughly a minute left . . . unless Gardocki finally has a punt blocked.  Perhaps by Dwayne Wade.

Tirico says there's roughly one scoreless half per year -- the last one was one year ago today between the Jags and Colts.

Ernest goes to the brickyard.

Fourth and short for Jags . . . they'll run it down until the last few ticks and go deep.  Sunshine disagrees, ignoring that it's fourth down and that, you know, the Steelers get the ball if the Jags don't make it.

Moonshine almost catches a moonshot from Fat Albert.  Half over.  No score.

Memo to ESPN -- the highlights from Sunday need to go away; everyone who wants to see highlights from Sunday has seen them by now.
 

The graphics with the highlights have got to go.  We didn't know that FOX picked up the Monday night package.

Is it just us, or is Michael Irvin sleepy?  Or high?  (Or retarded?)

Stu -- "ginormous" was cool to say like three years ago.  Please go away.

Thanks to an e-mail from a reader and the TiVo remote, we saw Steve Young pick his ass on national television.

ESPN has ruined the "Jacked Up" segment with the extra graphics and stuff.

Says one reader:  "I just don't need to hear an old white guy and an old black guy yelling 'jacked up' over and over."

First half stats.  75 total yards for Steelers; 140 for Jags.

First scoreless half for Steelers since 1980, against the Oilers.

Fragile Fred breaks one for 26, leaving Taz on the turf.

Fat Albert's windup is just hideous.  We want Uncle Rico!

Jags cross midfield.  Drive must be ending soon.

Suzy says that Jack Del Rio thought there was contact on the Hail Mary play at the end of the half.  (Jack there always is, and it's never called.)

Santurdio back to receive the punt.  Jags fail to get the ball controlled while staying on the right side of the goal line.  Steelers finally will start again at the twenty.

EA Sports commercial with 'Pep getting his roll on.  It'll only happen in real life this year when he's applying deodorant.

We bet the Jags wish they hadn't covered up those seats.

Big Ben goes down. 

On third down, Ben gets some room for Gardocki's punt.  The punt that won't be blocked.

Decent point from Joey Sunshine.  By failing to score points while winning the field position game, the Jags could end up losing the game.

Reggie Williams makes his fifth catch.

Jimmy Smith seems high, too.  Will he try to kiss Suzy?

Another catch for Williams.

Fragile Fred rolls on.

Maurice Jones-Drew runs like the cops are chasing him at Denny's.

Moonshine gets the Jags into the red zone.

Great point from TacoBill:  Suzy Kolber sounds just like Milhouse from the Simpsons.

As hard as the sock puppets try to hype this mess as a defensive struggle, it's boring as sh-t.

Coach Chin has asked for a review of the last play.  Call on the field stands.

Tony, we don't give a steamy sh-t about your fantasy team.

Good point from a reader -- Taz must be hurt; he's shying away from contact.  He just avoided taking a clean shot at Fred Taylor.

Well-timed blitz up the middle forces fourth down.

Finally, with 20:25 left in the game, there's a score.  Jags up 3-0.

Santurdio tackled at the 14. 

Sunshine says fatigue isn't a factor for Big Ben in the second half.  It's because he's barely been on the field, Joe.

Ben's passes look like crap.  Cuh-rap.

Willie Parker gains three yards, and pays for every inch of it getting flattened by Donovin Darius.

Big Ben needs to quit throwing the damn ball short of the orange stick.

Kornholer needs to quit asking stupid questions to confirm things that the other guys say.  We think he does it for effect, but it makes him come off as a guy who is watching the game with his daughter's new boyfriend and can't think of anything else to say.

Man, silence between second down and third down.  We could get used to that.

Four catches for Moonshine -- four first downs.  They need to run him deep.

Kornholer needs to remind Sunshine that Jones is the guy Tony was referring to during Joe's stupid-ass "receivers who used to be quarterbacks will succeed only if short" routine from the preseason.

More "unknown coach, unknown team, unknown city" crap from Kornholer to start the fourth quarter.  We get it, Tony.  You came up with that line, and you're proud of it.  Really proud of it.

Another flaw from the sock puppets in assuming that the folks watching the game don't know about the Jags' success in 2005:  the casual fan doesn't watch MNF anymore.

Santurdio treated that punt gunner like the mother of one of his children.

Parker keeps going nowhere.

Great catch by Ward on another bad throw by Big Ben.  Drive continues.

Another bad throw from Big Ben.

Woo-hoo!  Willie Parker almost gains 10 yards!

Key third-and-2 play, but a great play by Rashean Mathis.

Great third-down conversion by Jags with the heat coming; look for them to start milking the clock like a cow with two udders.

Hey -- get that SkyCam thing the f--k out of the way, ESPN.

Huuuuuge catch and run by Reggie Williams.  Huge.

Meanwhile, Suzy Kolber says that the Jags call slow-footed Byron Leftwich "Michael Brick."  (Coincidentally, Kolber's colleagues call her "Stuart."  We're kidding, folks.)

Great tackle by James Farrior to keep Jones-Drew short of the stick.  But why aren't the Jags running more to kill the clock?

Jags up, 6-0.  Including this game, seven teams failed to score an offensive touchdown in Week Two.

Two Jags are on the ground after the Steelers convert on a nice roll out and throw by Big Ben.

Big Ben picked off by Rashean Mathis.  Game over.  Where's Tommy Maddox?

Time to milk the clock.

Stupid, stupid, stupid move by Ernest Wilford going out of bounds.

Stupid, stupid, stupid move by Fragile Fred not going down in bounds.

Stupid, stupid, stupid move throwing an incompletion.  Steelers have time.  Game not over yet.

Another field goal makes it 9-0.  But with 4:26 to play, the Steelers have much more of a chance than they would have had if the Jags had kept the clock running and rolled a full two minutes off of the clock.

Ben to Santurdio for 15 . . . tick . . . tick . . . tick.

Sack of Big Ben; great non-call on face mask.  Next play, Ben rebounds for a seven-yard pass.

Holmes drops one.  Ball game on fourth and three. 

Over.

Joey Sunshine not ready to say it's over.  Please.  It's over.

Woo-hoo!  Fragile Fred stays in bounds.

Coach Chin is telling someone "no bullsh-t."

Damn, we're getting good traffic numbers tonight for this thing.  Don't you people have families?  (I'm kidding by the way.) 

Steelers get the ball back -- but why in the hell would they want it?  Barring a complete coverage breakdown or the sudden effects of a spinach salad that the Jags ate for lunch, there's no way the Steelers will score.  No way.

And, of course, now they'll likely score . . . .

Joey Sunshine makes a good point:  Steelers haven't crossed the 50 since the first quarter.

Over.  Another pick by Mathis.  Is that Maddox playing quarterback for the Steelers? 

Mathis might have pushed the ball across the front of the plane before going out of bounds, but there was no booth review.

Kornholer reminds us that he said take the under, and Sunshine gets in a zinger, reminding Tony that you've got to place your bets before the game starts.

A few final thoughts:

1.  The Steelers need to develop another running back.  Parker had only 11 carries for 20 yards.  It's time for the Dump Truck to make his debut.

2.  Big Ben looks bad.  The Bengals will be constantly harassing him on Sunday.

3.  Troy Polamalu is not healthy.  He was invisible against the Jags.

4.  We're going to keep live blogging the Monday night games, since the coverage provides for much more ammunition even when the game sucks.  We might add in the Sunday night games once the flexible scheduling starts.

That's all from PFT headquarters.  Thanks for tuning in.