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LAST UPDATED 9:14 p.m. EDT, September 7, 2006

OPENING NIGHT LIVE BLOG -- FIRST QUARTER

Okay, here we go with this live blog thing.  We just watched the opening music sequence featuring Pink.  And we think she could kick Joey Porter's ass.

After ball falls off of tee, Wes Welker of Fins returns kickoff past the 30. 

Who in the hell is Justin Peelle?  Backup TE rips off 16-yard gain on quick toss from Daunte Culpepper.

Fins running game is going nowhere -- Miami needs to pass in order to set up the run.

First drive stalls at midfield. . . .  Santurdio, not Willie Reid, is back for the punt but the kick goes out of bounds.

Steelers have the ball for the first time -- the headshots of the offensive and defensive players are way too freaking big.

Two Willie Parker runs and an incomplete pass.  Steelers go three-and-out.

Chris Gardocki punts; why do we get the feeling that every announcer who ever does a Steelers game wants to be the one who reminded us that Gardocki has never had a punt blocked in his career right before it happens for the first time?

Fins are pinned inside the 15 and Joey Porter takes down Daunte Culpepper on first down.  Steelers are blitzing 'Pepper like crazy, surely in an effort to rattle him.

On second down, he gets the pass off quickly as Deshea Townsend comes toward him.

Third down, Culpepper likely conjured memories of Kordell Stewart for offensive coordinator Mike Mularkey by one-hopping a pass to Marty Booker.

Andrea Kremer uses a little intellectual property of her former employer, ESPN, sharing with the audience some of the things Culpepper said to her on the day he was traded to Miami.

Steelers have the ball for the second time, 8:54 left in the quarter.  Charlie Batch throw to a wide open blade of grass.

Keith Traylor throttles Willie Parker on second and ten, and John Madden reminds us (again) that teams usually run in that situation after an incomplete pass on first down.

Nice play by Miami defender to break up a third-down pass that was thrown too short of the sticks.  Another punt.

Miami starts at its own 39 with 7:52 left.  At this rate, there will be 32 total possessions -- and no points.

(That music composed for NBC by John Williams just doesn't work; maybe it was actually written by former Seahawks RB John L. Williams.)

Looks like a busted play on first down; Madden and Michaels think it was a flea flicker gone bad.  Steelers call time out.  Another freakin' commercial.  Cue the Pink music.  Again.

Nice overhead shot of PNC Park, home of the Pirates -- would have been great if someone had painted "we really suck" on the outfield grass.

Another three and out.  Fins to punt for third time.

Willie Parker again goes nowhere.  Is it too late to put the Bus in a uniform?

Idiotic statement No. 1 from John Madden, regarding training camp:  "They don't practice two-a-days" anymore.  Huh?

Hello, Heath Miller.  Tight end helps move the chains for the first time by finding a hole in the zone.

Will Parker gains a total of seven yards on two runs; not ideal but better than it's been.

John Madden describes the "double bubble".  Is he talking about his ass?

Hello, Santurdio.  Rookie makes first catch of career that might have been bobbled and incomplete.  There's no challenge and Madden and Michaels are too busy talking about double bubbles to notice.

Willie Parker gets hit low and it looks for a second like his ACL got blown out.  Maybe he was smart to take that $3.75 million.

Charlie Batch can still run with the ball.  He can't do much else -- but he can run with it.  Scramble on third down comes up short, and Steelers line up to go for it on fourth and short before a timeout is called.

We sure as hell hope someone is reading all of this crap.

Willie Parker is the short-yardage back -- and he runs away from the middle of the line for a first down.

First quarter ends with the Steelers in Miami territory.  Parker is on pace for 36 carries -- and 60 yards.

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LAST UPDATED 10:09 p.m. EDT, September 7, 2006

OPENING NIGHT LIVE BLOG -- SECOND QUARTER

Great pass and catch between Charlie Batch and Nate Washington on third and three for a 27-yard touchdown.  The defense looked to be in Cover 2 and the corner let Washington run right by him, and S Travares Tillman didn't get over in time.  Nice throw, nice catch.  Antwaan Randle Who?  7-0 Steelers.

Wes Welker treats the ensuing kickoff like a piece of poop with a hand grenade in it before getting on top of it in the end zone for a touchback.

Ronnie Brown fights hard for a couple on first down from the 20.  After a pass to Wes Welker set up third and short, Daunte Culpepper pulled out the play from the Madden game in which he's unstoppable -- QB sneak.

Fins are heating up a little.  Randy McMichael catches a pass for a first down, on first down.

If Michaels and Madden didn't know that Tennessee was in the mix for Culpepper, then they apparently don't follow the sport (or read this site) in the offseason.

Marty Booker lands on the ball -- right in the balls -- and coughs up what otherwise would have been a catch for a first down.

TacoBill on the Coors Light commercials with Dick Vermeil and Bill Walsh-- why didn't they just get real footage from real press conferences instead of staging phony press conferences while trying to create the impression that they were splicing fake questions into real press conferences?

Fins coach Nick Saban almost challenged the call that the pass was incomplete; Fins to punt again after their deepest drive of the night.

Madden makes a good point, but doesn't peel the onion.  He says the Fins need to throw to Chris Chambers, but he doesn't consider the possibility that Ike Taylor is shutting him down.

Santurdio won't be the punt returner for long if he keeps catching balls inside the five.

Three and out for Steelers; drive dies when Charlie Batch throws behind Santurdio.

Wes Welker returns the punt to the Steelers 45.  8:30 to go in the half, and the Fins have their best starting field position.

How 'bout that Chunky Soup commercial?  Looks more like team dad than team mom.

Pretty deep pass by Daunte Culpepper to Chris Chambers; nice play by Ike Taylor to break it up.

Culpepper looks the same as ever, but he needs his line to buy him a little more time.

The Commish is in the booth, and John Madden gives him the ball used for kickoff.  Madden doesn't claim that the ball will come to life and cook breakfast if left alone in the kitchen at night.  Michaels asks the Commish about HGH; the Commish offers up a non-answer that sounds like a real answer as the Miami drive peters out and they punt.  Santurdio makes a fair catch at the 11.

Batch throws the ball while being sacked and while in the pocket; Madden and Michaels make no mention of even the possibility that intentional grounding should have been called.  They need to focus more on the action and less on listening to their own voices.

Questionable non-call of pass interference on third down; the hit on the receiver was early but Madden and Michaels don't mention the possibility that the ball was uncatchable.

Wes Welker returns the punt inside the 15.

On first down, nice pass from Culpepper to Ronnie Brown on a crossing pattern for a first down inside the five.  Next play, touchdown run for Ronnie Brown, with Brown in the fullback position and Chris Chambers going into motion to dot the i.  Culpepper fakes a pitch to Chambers after handing off to Brown for the score.  7-7.

After the commercial, Michaels talks about the pass interference call that wasn't made, which set up the long return by Wes Welker.  It would have been a great opportunity to muse about the possibility that the zebras are evening things up after all of the calls that went Pittsburgh's way in the last game that counted.

Nice return by Ricardo Colclough is wiped out by a penalty.  Steelers start inside their own 25.

Sweet move by Fast Willie after catching a swing pass on second down, taking the ball out to the 35.

Next play, Willie takes it inside the Fins 35 after shedding a Zach Thomas tackle.

Verron Haynes spells Willie.  Duce Staley has fallen behind Jeff Reed on the depth chart.

Pass into end zone off of play action should have been picked off, but Will Allen proves why the Giants gave up on him. 

On third down, Cedric Wilson draws a flag for pass interference after Andre' Goodman locks arms with him.

We're getting plenty of complaints about the Coors Light commercials.

Two minute warning.

Nice catch at the back of the end zone by Hines Ward for a touchdown.  14-7.

Great answering drive by the Steelers; seven plays, 77 yards to retake the lead.

Who in the hell put the NBC desk under the scoreboard?  They pump that music so loud, Marlee Matlin could hear it.

Wes Welker, ladies and gentlemen.  Wes-freakin'-Welker.

Andrea Kremer says Marty Booker has a head injury?  Which head?

Wesley.  Freaking.  Welker.  Fins are inside the 10.

Chris Chambers drops a bullet at the goal line -- should have been caught, no matter how hard it was coming.  Madden acts like the incompletion was the result of good coverage of a throw that was off line.  Tell it to the talking busts, John.

High drama at the end of the first half.  Fins call a timeout with third and goal from the seven, 40 seconds left until halftime.

On third down, Culpepper floats one that not even Randy Moss could have caught.  14-10 after the field goal.

Nice Manning v. Manning graphic.  Birth order?  Are you freaking serious?  

End of half.  Is anyone out there?

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LAST UPDATED 10:18 p.m. EDT, September 7, 2006

OPENING NIGHT LIVE BLOG -- HALFTIME

Not much significant happening, other than the fact that the music from the scoreboard is so . . . freaking . . . loud.

Peter King says that Eli Manning consulted with his old college position coach, David Cutcliffe, in the offseason in an effort to improve his mechanics.  Intriguing point -- what does Giants quarterbacks coach Kevin Gilbride think about this?  (Then again, if Gilbride gives Eli any trouble, Eli can ask Buddy Ryan to kick Gilbride's ass.  Again.)

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LAST UPDATED 10:53 p.m. EDT, September 7, 2006

OPENING NIGHT LIVE BLOG -- THIRD QUARTER

Santurdio takes the opening kickoff past the Pittsburgh 35.  One reader asks whether he did the chicken dance after the play.

16 runs, 16 passes in first half by the Steelers.

First two plays; runs that don't go much of anywhere.

Charlie Batch is improving as the game goes on; nice throw on third down to Hines Ward to extend the drive.

Madden notes that the Fins are having trouble defending the bunch formation.

Parker almost breaks one on first down before getting tripped up for a six-yard gain.

Batch and Ward connect again for a nice gain with a pass right down the middle.

Charlie Batch?  We'd like to introduce you to Jason Taylor.  Who'd like to introduce you to the cold, hard ground.

Steelers stall at the 36 and punt the ball into the end zone.  With long field goals tough to convert in Heinz Field, the Steelers need to incorporate a play from placekick formation that involves a direct snap to the field goal kicker with a pooch punt that dies inside the 10.

Daunte Culpepper pulls the ball down and tries to run for the first time; he's tackled before anyone can blow out one of his knees.

Steelers S Troy Polamalu pops pads hard with Ronnie Brown on second down.  Brown has nine carries for 11 yards.

On third down, Culpepper moves out of the pocket to buy some time and finds Marty Booker for a 50-yard catch and run; Tyrone Carter falls down, springing Booker after the reception.

Madden says "I don't know that [Chris] Chambers can beat Ike Taylor" just before Chambers gets a quick pass from Culpepper and jams a stiff arm into Taylor's head for a first down.

Nice play-action fake by Daunte Culpepper from the five, and Culpepper throws one of the ugliest passes we've ever seen, badly missing a wide-open Chris Chambers and nearly having the ball intercepted by Ike Taylor.

Next play, Ronnie Brown delivers his second touchdown on a nice sweep to the right.  17-14, Fins.

Excellent Brisco High commercial from Nike.  We'd rewind it and watch it again on TiVo if we weren't trying to keep up with this damn game.

Great point from a reader -- Ike Taylor's dropped pick might have been worth a coach's challenge.  It looked like he had the ball and two feet down, but he bobbled it after hitting the ground.  He might have had the thing long enough to merit a reversal.

How can a guy as fast as Willie Parker not get away from an aging lardass like Keith Traylor?

Charlie Batch sacked again.  Looks like the Fins did a better job with the halftime adjustments than the Steelers.

Fins DB Michael Lehan will have the Nicktator residing in his bunghole for the rest of his career after a penalty that kept the drive alive for the Steelers deep in their own end.

Another flag on a Miami defensive back -- Andre' Goodman.  Saban's head is going to explode.

Notwithstanding the penalties, the Miami pass coverage is much improved, and Charlie Batch is eventually going to fumble or throw a pick under the pressure he's now facing.

Hines Ward makes another drive-extending catch.

John Madden's most recent idiotic statement:  If the Rooney family was scouting Willie Parker why didn't they draft him?  (John, no one else did, either.)

Parker is up to 21 carries for the game.  He'll never survive a full season with that many reps.

Nice catch by Nate Washington on a bubble screen to keep the drive alive on third and down.

Charlie Batch makes a nice scramble, and we love it when a quarterback pumps the ball five yards past the line of scrimmage.

Another first down, thanks to Willie Parker.  If the Dolphins give up a touchdown on this drive, we think that Mike Lehan will be cut.

End of this quarter.  This is getting good.

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LAST UPDATED 11:55 p.m. EDT, September 7, 2006

OPENING NIGHT LIVE BLOG -- FOURTH QUARTER

Okay.  Fifteen minutes to go.  Really have to pee.  Empty bottle of Gatorade is looking pretty good right now.

Great point by Madden -- the starters are playing into the fourth quarter for the first time this year; conditioning will be a difference.

Michaels points out that the Fins were plus-54 in scoring differential in 2005 during the fourth quarter.

Nate Washington picks up a key first down on a reverse -- eat that, Randle El.

Parker keeps banging.  We're waiting for his spleen to explode.

Charlie, welcome back!  We knew we could count on you to f--k things up.

Batch fumbles at the goal line while taking a snap.  Remember the knock on him in Motown that his hands were too small?  Fins take over deep in their own end.

11:58 to go.

Huge cushion given to Chris Chambers by Ike Taylor, but Culpepper underthrows it and Chambers can't make the catch.

Andrea Kremer says that Batch told Big Ben the ball slipped out of his hands.

Taz almost broke the game open, but what in hell was he doing hurling his whole body at the ball?

Huuuuge play by Culpepper, who keeps his head while parked in the end zone and throws for a first down.

What in the hell were the Vikings thinking when they traded this guy?

Culpepper and Chambers are doing their best to set up Ike Taylor to get burned deep with these short passes.

Time out, Fins.  10:21 to go.

Mike Mularkey calls a nice play from the old Kordell Stewart playbook -- roll the quarterback out and have a shallow option and a mid-range target.

Disaster averted by the Fins on a double reverse.  Ball gets dropped by Chambers and pops back into his hands.

Another short pass, this time to Booker.  Culpepper is gonna throw one deep soon. 

Daunte looks for a deep option but then pulls it down and runs.  Polamalu hits him low, but he gets right up.

Miami faces third-and-two near the Pittsburgh 40 with 7:11 to go.  If they can finish this drive with a touchdown, it's game over.

Ronnie Brown hesitates on the same kind of outside sprint play that the Steelers used in the first half.  Fourth down.

Stat update:  Willie Parker has 24 carries for 102 yards.  Culpepper is 17-for-29 with 243 yards passing.  Batch is 13-for-23 for 116 yards and two touchdowns.

Holy sh-t!  Charlie Batch atones with a beautiful pass to tight end Heath Miller, who rumbles all the way to the end zone.  Where in the hell is the defense?

Time to throw the red flag!

Saban throws the flag, but the ball has been kicked before anyone has seen it.  Will he throw the red flag on whether he threw the red flag in time?

Great shot of Saban throwing the flag while the ref is looking the other way.  Lesson for every coach?  Pull a Jeff Triplette and throw the flag right at the zebra's nutsack.

Michaels says there's no way to challenge whether the flag was thrown in time.  They need to have a better system for allowing coaches to challenge a play.  And the fact that the extra point -- which is an untimed down -- has been kicked shouldn't be enough to block review of whether a touchdown really was a touchdown.

On further review, it actually looks like Heath Miller might have kicked the white stripe at the seven yard line.    

Taz picks one off on second down.  Too bad he didn't get a chance to do some of his uncanny broken-field running.

Game over.  Key play?  Clearly, the 87-yard catch and run by Heath Miller.

Another first down by Hines Ward.  Game over.

Willie Parker slips and falls or he would have had a lot more yardage.

Cris Collinsworth says that Nick Saban could have run down the sidelines or onto the field to make sure the officials saw the flag.

Says a reader, "Maybe Andrea Kremer can stop repeating things she did for ESPN, and tell us WHY SO MANY PLAYERS ARE SLIPPING AND FALLING."

Jeff Reed pulls a Vanderjagt.  Game not over?

Miami has the ball on its own 34, with 3:09 to go.

Another pick.  This time by Joey Porter.  Great catch, especially for a guy who plays defense.  Game definitely over.

Who's the idiot who picked the Fins to win by 10?  Oh well -- we've got 255 more to screw up this season.

Porter just kissed Coach Chin on the neck.  What's next?  His initials tattooed on Porter's leg?

The e-mails are flooding in from Vikings fans:  "That's why he was traded," says one reader. 

"Welcome to your nightmare," another reader says to Fins fans.  "And your backup is Joey Harrington."

Porter sacks Culpepper and then gets his roll on.

E-mail of the night:  "Madden said something intelligible, 'Don't celebrate when you do something you are supposed to do!'  He is right.  Some of these players, I would hate to see  what they do when they leave a big dookie, jumpin' around their bathroom, 'Woo-hoo!  I dumped!'"

James Farrior gets a piece of Culpepper not-as-fat-as-it-used-to-be behind.

John Madden babbles on about the "quarterback's mother" thing right after the commercial runs in which he babbles on about the "quarterback's mother."

Pretty deep ball from Daunte Culpepper -- too bad the closest Fin was 10 yards away.

That's it.  And whatever happened to getting the games done in less than three hours?  This one went for more than 3:15.

During his postgame interview with Andrea Kremer, sweat was dripping off of Joey Porter's nose like the stream from a guy with a prostate the size of a cantaloupe.

Closing thoughts:

1.  Willie Parker can't have 32 total touches every week.

2.  Get Heath Miller on your fantasy team.  Today.

3.  The Fins will still be in the thick of things in the AFC.  But for that ugly toss sweep on third-and-two with seven minutes left, the Fins could have won by 10.  Just like some idiot we know predicted.

4.  It's too early to write off the Steelers' chances of repeating.  But there's a long way to go and we're still convinced that they'll take a step back this season, eventually.

We had fun tonight.  We think.  Let us know whether you want us to do the live blog thing again.