PFT ALL-TIME, ALL-TURD TEAM

First introduced in 2006, we've updated the roster of all-time turdish types to reflect the events of the past 12 months.

Here we go.  The PFT All-Time, All-Turd roster, 2007 version:

Michael Irvin, WR, Cowboys:  No one can dispute his talent or performance, but off of the field the guy was King Turd.  Drugs, adultery, etc.  Irvin pleaded no contest to felony cocaine possession charges in July 1996.  Sure, he's in the Hall of Fame now.  But even Irvin realizes that his non-football exploits arguably make him unfit for that honor.

Lance Rentzel, WR, Vikings, Cowboys, Rams:  Arrested for exposing himself to a 10-year-old girl.  Even worse, he married Joey Heatherton.

Rae Carruth, WR, Panthers:  Decided to avoid 18 years of paying out the rear end by having the baby and the mother killed.  (Fortunately, the child survived.)  So Rae will instead spend the next 18 years or so paying up the rear end.

Michael Westbrook, WR, Redskins:  One of the all-time first-round receiver busts whose most memorable moment was beating the crap out of Stephen Davis in 1997.

Andre Rison, WR, It's Easier To List the Teams He Didn't Play For:  Rison had a long-time Romeo-and-Juliet thing going with Lisa Lopes of the hip-hop trio TLC, but their relationship exhibited some of the deleted scenes from the Bard's final draft -- such as Juliet putting all of Romeo's shoes in the tub, setting them on fire, and consequently burning down his house, and Romeo shooting a gun at Rosencrantz and Guildenstern after they tried to break up a fight between the two star-crossed lovers.  Rison also has been arrested on several occasions for failing to pay child support.  (Hey, at least he didn't try to have the kids and/or their mothers killed.)

Randy Moss, WR, Vikings, Raiders, Patriots:  Though he didn't do anything to merit a spot on the 2007 All-Turd team, Randy is one of the all-time miscreants in league history.  He plummeted to No. 21 in the 1998 draft after a string of character issues from high school and college.  (A guy has to work pretty damn hard, after all, to get kicked out of Florida State.)  He kept quiet during a stellar rookie season, but Randy has been in trouble for squirting water at an official, berating a team sponsor, knocking over a traffic control officer with his car, conceding that he takes plays off, admitting to smoking marijuana once in a "blue moon," and pretending to show his own moon to the fans in the end zone seats during a playoff win at Lambeau.

Terrell Owens, WR, 49ers, Eagles, Cowboys:  Single-handedly turned a Super Bowl contender into an also-ran with his selfishness, narcissism, and greed.

Albert Connell, WR, Redskins, Saints:  Re-defined rookie hazing as "stealing the dude's money."

(NEW for 2007) Chris Henry, WR, Bengals:  Henry's eight-game suspension was the icing on the cake for the short-term tenure of embarrassment and shame. 

Mark Chmura, TE, Packers:  Despite being acquitted on charges of sexual assault, Chewy's prom-night cavorting with 17-year-old girl is beyond shameful.

Zeke Mowatt, TE, Patriots:  Sued for exposing himself and making lewd comments to a female reporter in the locker room; among the tamest of the remarks, "I'll show you a patriot missile." 

(NEW for 2007) Jerramy Stevens, TE, Seahawks and Buccaneers:  It's quantity and quality for Stevens.  A variety of arrests include crashing his car into a retirement home.  He also proved to be a bad neighbor in a Seattle condo complex via the always unwelcome combination of fireworks at used condoms.

Tony Mandarich, OT, Packers:  Arguably the biggest draft bust of all time, Mandarich was selected with the No. 2 overall pick in 1989.  The next three picks?  Barry Sanders.  Derrick Thomas.  Deion Sanders.

Kenyatta Jones, OT, Patriots, Redskins:  Busted in college for "displaying a firearm" inside a night club, Jones broke from the same-old rap sheet entries by throwing boiling water on his roommate while said roommate was on the toilet.

Luis Sharpe, OT, Cardinals:  Addicted to crack while playing in the NFL.  (We were tempted to give him a pass, since playing for the Cardinals likely would drive us to find comfort via chemicals, too.)  

Nate Newton, G, Cowboys:  Arrested for marijuana possession.  213 pounds of it.  Five weeks later, he got busted again with "only" 175 pounds.

Conrad Dobler, G, Cardinals:  "When I hit a guy, I hit him in the throat.  He doesn't have any pads on his throat."

Carleton Haselrig, G, Steelers, Jets:  Pro Bowler who didn't play college football threw his career away with alcohol and drug problems.  Ultimately went to jail after pleading guilty to driving his four-wheel-drive vehicle on the grounds of a Pittsburgh seminary.

Barret Robbins, C, Raiders:  Disappeared on the eve of Super Bowl XXXVII, got into a shoot-out with Miami police two years later, was arrested on marijuana possession charges while awaiting trial.

O.J. Simpson, RB, Bills, 49ers:  Though he was acquitted of murdering his ex-wife and some dude who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, a civil jury later found that the Juice had killed them.  Many believe that his vow to find the "real" killer was a hollow gesture; we think Simpson honors his commitment every morning at the bathroom mirror.

Lawrence Phillips, RB, Rams, Dolphins, Barcelona Dragons, 49ers, Montreal Alouettes, Calgary Stampeders:  Dragged a girlfriend down a flight of steps by her hair during his days at Nebraska, yet still was the sixth overall selection in the 1996 draft.  Rams coach Dick Vermeil cut him loose a year later, sparking an odyssey through three different football leagues that ended when he was booted by the 'Ettes and 'Peders in the same year.

Cecil Collins, RB, Dolphins:  Showed his appreciation for coach Jimmy Johnson's decision to give him a chance despite a troubled past by getting arrested for burglary in December of his rookie -- and only -- NFL season.

Bam Morris, RB, Steelers, Ravens, Bears, Chiefs:  One-time promising tailback with the Steelers who made the locals forget all about legends like Barry Foster and Tim "Joanne" Worley, Bam's career in the 'Burgh ended after he pleaded guilty to felony marijuana possession.  Though he was only placed on probation, he couldn't find a way to stay on the right side of the law, eventually admitting to distributing 100 kilograms of marijuana in Kansas City.  Now out of jail, Morris recently has indicated a desire to return to the NFL, which suggests to us that he's still smoking.  Or worse. 

Najeh Davenport, RB, Packers and Steelers:  One mistake shouldn't follow a guy for the rest of his life.  Unless it's a really, really funny one.  Najeh snuck into a woman's dorm room and pooped in the clothes hamper in her closet while she was sleeping.  After Davenport accepted community service in order to settle the charges, "Dookie" still maintained his innocence:  "Where's the evidence?  Where's the manure?"

Onterrio Smith, RB, Vikings and Winnipeg Blue Bombers:  The self-described "Steal of the Draft" in 2003 after falling to the fourth round due to a protracted love affair with that Mexican girl named Mary Jane, Smith introduced the word "Whizzinator" into the national discourse after airport security found a faux penis in his luggage.

Maurice Clarett, RB, Broncos:  Though he never played a down in the NFL, Mo-Clo did more than enough to secure his spot on the team.  Suspended for his sophomore season at Ohio State, sued the NFL to gain early entry into the league, refused a signing bonus after surprisingly being taken by the Broncos in round three of the 2005 draft, rebuffed efforts by teammates to help him learn the NFL ropes, reportedly found with alcohol in the weight room, ultimately cut, got not a single sniff by any other team before being arrested for armed robbery, recently announced his decision to play in a fifth-rate indoor league in Ohio.

Jamal Lewis, RB, Ravens and Browns:  Served time in jail for involvement in a drug deal the summer after he was drafted.

Duane Thomas, RB Cowboys:  Piss-poor attitude and drug use killed a promising career.  Thomas once said of the Super Bowl, "If it's the ultimate [game], how come they play it every year?"

Paul Hornung, RB, Packers:  Suspended for an entire year due to gambling.

(New for 2007)  Ricky Williams, RB, Dolphins:  Ricky likely won't play again in the NFL after a one-year suspension for violation of the substance-abuse policy and a rejection of his reinstatement application.  His so-so career was forever marred by an abrupt retirement in 2004.  He has been available for only 12 games since then.

Ryan Leaf, QB, Chargers:  Need further evidence of the imperfect nature of the draft?  The Colts actually wrestled with the decision of whether to draft Leaf or Peyton Manning.

Todd Marinovich, QB, Raiders:  Groomed from birth by his father to be an NFL quarterback, Marinovich realized his old man's dream.  And then completely pissed it away.

Art Schlichter, QB, Colts:  Chronic and compulsive gambler who was suspended for an entire season before his career flamed out. 

Jeff George, QB, Colts, Raiders, Falcons, Vikings, Redskins, Seahawks:  Me-first, me-only flamethrower with arm by NASA and body by Lego who was universally reviled by players, coaches, and the media.  Except for Jason Whitlock and Len Pasquarelli.

(NEW FOR 2007) Michael Vick, QB, Falcons:  Mike has had a bad year.  One of the worst in the history of pro sports.  He gave home fans a different kind of dirty bird, he was stopped at an airport with a water bottle that had a secret compartment that contained a pungent odor, and he has been caught up in a major federal gambling and dog-fighting probe.  In this courtroom, innocent until proven guilty applies only to the question of whether he makes it into the All-Turd Hall of Fame.  (Then again, it didn't help O.J.)

Leonard Little, DE, Rams:  Killed a woman while driving drunk.

Reggie Rogers, DE, Lions:  Killed three teenagers after running a stop sign.

Dexter Manley, DE, Redskins:  Had a cyst in his brain for 20 years and never once realized it would have been a great excuse for his misbehavior.

Mark Gastineau, DE, Jets:  One-time single-season sack king whose career was cut short by a fear of getting nailed for steroids; lost his first ten fights as a pro boxer and spent nearly a year behind bars.  Potential redeeming quality -- married Brigitte Nielsen while she still remotely looked like a woman.

Dimitrius Underwood, DE, Vikings:  We don't blame Underwood as much as we blame the Vikings for burning a first-round choice on a guy who went AWOL in the first week of his first training camp due to some serious psychological problems that surely had been manifested at some earlier point in his career.

Leon Lett, DE, Cowboys:  Suspended for a year for violation of the substance abuse policy, Lett is best known for two of the most memorable blunders in league history -- a premature celebration on a fumble return for a touchdown in the Super Bowl and the dumb-assed decision to try to recover a blocked field goal on the snow-covered Texas Stadium green cement that gave the Fins another chance at the kick, sealing his team's fate.

(NEW FOR 2007) Jared Allen, DE, Chiefs:  Allen is the stereotypical wild-eyed lineman who likes booze way too much.  He demanded a trade after the team refused to sign him to a long-term deal -- but before he learned that he'd be suspended to start the 2007 season.

Darrell Russell, DT, Raiders, Redskins, Buccaneers:  A promising career was ruined by drug use and allegations of videotaping his friends having sex with a drugged woman.  Russell died in a car crash last year after a failed comeback attempt.

Daryl Gardener, DT, Dolphins, Redskins, Broncos:  Known for going turdish whenever he got paid big money, Gardener busted his hand in a fight outside a Denver-area IHOP after receiving a huge deal from the Broncos and never was the same again.

Alex Karras, DT, Lions:  See Paul Hornung.

Ernie Holmes, DT, Steelers, Buccaneers:  Former member of the Steel Curtain who was arrested in 1981 after repeatedly throwing to the floor a barmaid who refused his advances.  Also, once opened fire . . . on a police helicopter.

(NEW FOR 2007) Albert Haynesworth, DT, Titans:  Haynesworth was suspended for five games in 2006 for stomping on the face of Cowboys center Andre Gurode.  Albert should be grateful that he wasn't prosecuted for assault, or banished from the NFL for life.  (If it were up to us, both would have happened.)

Ray Lewis, LB, Ravens:  We still can't believe no one ever went to jail for the butchering of those two people in Atlanta.  We're not saying Ray-Ray did it, but we bet he knows who did. 

Bryan Cox, LB, Dolphins, Bears, Patriots:  Cox filed a lawsuit against the NFL, claiming that fines meted out by Gene Upshaw and Harold Henderson constituted discrimination against him based on race.  The only problem?  All three men are black.  

Lawrence Taylor, LB, Giants:  One of the best defensive players in league history, we wonder how effective he might have been if he hadn't been so preoccupied with drugs, booze, and sex. 

Bill Romanowski, LB, 49ers, Eagles, Broncos, Raiders:  Walking pharmacy who spit in J.J. Stokes' face, ended Marcus Williams' career with a practice field sucker punch, and intentionally broke Dave Meggett's finger during a pile up.  Admitted to steroid use only to sell a book about it.

Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson, LB, Cowboys, Oilers, 49ers:  The original LT, Henderson's cocaine craze ended his career not long after it started.  In 2000, he won $28 million in the lottery.

Brian Bosworth, LB, Seahawks:  Another guy who rode colossal hype on the way to becoming a colossal bust.  Legend has it that, once he got off of the juice, his body just plain fell apart.   

(NEW FOR 2007) Richard Seigler, LB, Steelers:  It takes creativity to win this specific brand of immortality, and there's nothing more creative than a football player whose side gig is working as a pimp.

Jack Tatum, CB, Raiders:  After paralyzing receiver Daryl Stingley with a preseason hit, Tatum wrote a book titled They Call Me Assassin.  We just call him "Ass" for short. 

Darryl Henley, CB, Rams:  Locked up until 2031 at the earliest after being convicted on drug and attempted murder charges, Henley maintains a web site through which he can be contacted.

Lewis Billups, CB, Bengals:  Billups allegedly drugged and raped a woman, videotaped the incident, and then threatened to send the tape to her husband if she didn't come up with $20,000.  He pleaded no contest to criminal conspiracy and died in 1994 after losing control of his vehicle at 100 miles per hour.

Mossy Cade, CB, Packers:  Little-known defensive back who wins a spot on the list for being convicted of raping . . . his own aunt.

(NEW FOR 2007) Pacman Jones:  Through a string of brushes with the law and a failure to seem to understand the connection between his behavior and its consequences, Jones has become the poster boy for bad behavior in the NFL.  We hope that his example will persuade other players to change their ways.

Eugene Robinson, S, Seahawks, Packers, Falcons, Panthers:  Robinson arguably ruined the Falcons' chances at winning Super Bowl XXXIII after getting arrested for offering money to an undercover officer posing as a prostitute the night before. 

Gene Atkins, S, Dolphins:  Attacked reporter Jason Cole in the locker room during his career -- arrested and charged with plotting to firebomb the house of a former business partner after he retired.

Tamarick Vanover, KR, Chiefs:  Given the name of his pro team, would the ring of car thieves with which he was associated operate a "Tomahawk Chop Shop"?

Bill Gramatica, K, Cardinals:  Tore an ACL celebrating the fact that he'd made a field goal.

Cole Ford, K, Steelers, Raiders:  Placed into a mental facility after pleading guilty to shooting a gun at a house.  Almost avoided the list because the house belonged to Siegfried and Roy.

Rafael Septien, K, Cowboys:  Pleaded guilty in 1987 to charges of indecency with a 10-year-old girl.

Todd Sauerbrun, P, Bears, Chiefs, Panthers, Broncos:  Previously on the fence for the All-Time team, a recent four-game suspension for ephedra secured his spot.

(New for 2007) Joe Cullen, assistant coach:  In a one-week span prior to the 2007 season, Cullen was arrested once for driving drunk but clothed, and once for driving sober but buck naked.

Buddy Ryan, Coach:  Though we respect +Ryan for cutting Cris Carter without exposing (at the time) Carter's struggles with drugs, this guy was a train wreck as a head coach.  Too loud.  Too brash.  Too reckless.  Too impulsive.  In other words, the perfect guy to lead our All-Time collection of All-Turds to a Super Bowl.

Mike Shanahan, Coach/G.M.:  Okay, he's not really the G.M. of the Broncos.  But he holds that power.  And he has used it to bring in a load of turds over the years via free agency.  And he drafted Maurice Clarett.  And Shanahan admits to using a lie detector test on his players.

(New for 2007) Bill Polian, G.M.:  Polian is regarded in league circles as a bully who'll do whatever he pleases, whenever he pleases.  There were reports that he threw an employee of the New York Jets against a wall prior to a game.  In our view, that's enough to earn Napolian a lifetime membership on this list.

Leonard Tose, Owner:  Gambling and booze caused him to lose the Eagles, and his fortune.  Among other things, he once sued a casino for plying him with drinks in order to get him to keep losing money.  (Ain't that standard operating procedure at casinos?)

Eddie DeBartolo, Owner:  Beloved by his players, DeBartolo lost the 49ers after pleading guilty to felony charges in connection with his efforts to get a riverboat gambling license in Louisiana, and the $400,000 that Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards wanted in order to make it happen.

Red McCombs, Owner:  Nearly ran the Vikings into the ground during a seven-year run that was all about generating as much profit as possible.