PFT TEN-PACK:  WEEK TWO

Since the Power Rankings and the Live Blog have now gotten their own pages, we've decided that it's only fair for the most popular weekly feature -- the PFT Ten Pack -- to gets its own home, too.

It's like the Rumor Mill is Happy Days, and we're spinning off gems such as Laverne and Shirley, Mork and Mindy, Joanie Loves Chachi, and Seinfeld.

Okay, Seinfeld wasn't a spin off of Happy Days but you get the point.  Besides, it was the best way we could think of to set up a Ten-Pack that leads off with a classic line from the best show in television history.

1.  "May I Have One Of Those, Madam?"

Someone needs to tell Ron Jaworski to head back to J&T Optical right now, because Kramer's buddy has sold him ladies glasses.

Seriously.  The dude is wearing what by all appearances are ladies frames.

We assume that they're not really women's glasses, but that they are some type of new design that is intended to make the wearer look "hip" and/or "down."  But why does Jaworski even need to be perceived as "hip" and/or "down" (or whatever the currently hip and/or down word is for connoting hipness and/or downness)?  Jaws is substantively excellent when it comes to breaking down film.  He's the last guy we'd regard as sufficiently vain and/or insecure to strap such age-inappropriate glasses onto his grill.  (Is it still hip and/or down to say "grill" in reference to the head?  Or is it only hip and/or down to use "grill" in reference to those hideous metal teef plates?  And is it even still hip and/or down to do that?)

While we're dabbling in obscure Seinfeld references, we got a huuuge kick out of Rich Eisen's "Cartwright . . . 7" line on the NFLN's highlight show.  Very nicely done, Rich.

2.  Plenty of Karma for Culpepper.

To the extent that karma applies to pro football, Daunte Culpepper's downfall came in 2005, when he tried to parlay one of the best single-season quarterback performances in NFL history into a bunch of new money.  The Vikings complied, moving forward some of his backloaded deal.

And Culpepper then proceeded to stink it up in 2005.

But even after having a horrible season that was ended prematurely due to a horrific knee injury, Culpepper wanted more money.  He even fired his agent and began representing himself in an effort to get more coin.

In the end, Culpepper looked like the winner, finagling a trade to his home state of Florida and getting a fresh start with an up-and-coming franchise.

However, it appears that bad karma still has Culpepper's name on its "to do" list.  The eighth-year pro has looked flat-out horrible in his two starts with the Fins.  Culpepper's passer rating of 69.2 is even lower than the 72.0 he posted in 2005, light years from that 110.9 he somehow mustered in 2004.  

It's easy to point to the departure of Randy Moss from Minnesota as the beginning of the end for Culpepper, but Daunte was stellar in 2004 even while Moss was nursing a hamstring injury.  It's also fashionable to credit Culpepper's past performance to former Vikings offensive coordinator Scott Linehan, but Culpepper is back in the offense that Linehan used in Minnesota.

"Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?"

Our conclusion?  Though Culpepper is capable of periodically playing well (or, as in 2004, very, very well), he's not a consistent "A"-lister, and he simply isn't the kind of guy who can pick up a team on his back and carry it to greater heights. 

We're not saying that the Fins won't win games.  But if they ever make it beyond the first week of the postseason, it won't be because of Culpepper.  It will be in spite of him.

3.  Our Weekly Joey Sunshine Complaint.

Though we covered most of Joe Theismann's characteristic goof-ups in Monday night's Live Blog, we saved a doozy for the Ten-Pack.

Through Monday night's game, Sunshine was asking aloud whether Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger would be in game shape, given his offseason vroom-vroom-smash incident and his September 3 appendectomy.  (As we mentioned in the Live Blog, Theismann ignores the fact that Roethlisberger's training camp and preseason workload were not diminished by either circumstance.)

So in the third quarter of Monday night's game, Theismann declares:  "I'd say Ben's back."

But then only two plays later, Theismann is dissing Roethlisberger.  "He doesn't look as comfortable throwing the football as I saw him throw it last year.  The ball's been high a few times.  It's been into the ground.  He's nowhere near as accurate as he normally is."

Enter Tony Kornholer, who pounced on the discrepancy:  "You said he was back two plays ago!"

Theismann tried to muster an explanation that tied the two observations, but it was too late.  He has exposed himself again as a buffoon.

4.  NFL's International Appeal Might Be Increasing.

One of the first orders of business for new NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is to do a better job of exporting the NFL to other countries.

And Goodell might be getting the job done.  Albeit unintentionally.

Folks in Europe might now be taking an interest in pro football games if for no reason other than the scores are starting to look like the final outcomes of soccer matches.  In Week Two, seven NFL teams -- nearly 25 percent of the league -- failed to register an offensive touchdown.  And three of them actually won their games:  Minnesota, Denver, and Jacksonville.

Nine teams scored in single digits this weekend, and six scored nine or less in Week One.

We're not quite sure what to make of it.  Given a rash of quarterback sacks in Week Two, one league insider theorizes that the ever-increasing size and speed of defensive ends coupled with the inability of NFL teams in the salary cap era to build a chain of offensive linemen without at least one weak link is keeping some teams from scoring points.

The fact that the phenomenon is only affecting some of the games makes a quick fix from the Competition Committee unlikely.  The Saints and Packers put up 61 total points on Sunday.  The Colts and Texans scored 67.  

For every shootout, however, there's a stinker, and none were smellier than Monday night's yawn-inducing "defensive struggle."

Amazingly, 12.5 percent of the games played to date this season have been won by a team scoring only field goals.

We'll continue to monitor this trend.  It's kinda boring -- but no more boring than actually watching one of these offensive inoffensive football games.

5.  No Maas.  Please.

It's not fair for us to focus all of our venom at Joey Sunshine.  There are plenty of other incompetent sock puppets out there, and the possible king of the Sunday afternoon hill is FOX's Bill Maas.

Maas worked the Carolina-Minnesota game this weekend, with some guy named Steve Byrnes, who very well might have been just grabbed out of a Metrodome men's room and slapped into a suit.  But it was hard to notice Byrnes' mediocrity, given Maas's complete incompetence.

Here's just a summary of our gripes with Maas, who never, ever, ever should be allowed into a press box again.  Unless he's delivering pizzas.  (Even then, he should be prohibited from saying a single word, other than "This one has the anchovies.")

In the second quarter, Maas ripped Vikings quarterback Brad Johnson for throwing the ball into the ground while being manhandled by Panthers defensive end Julius Peppers some 12 yards behind the line of scrimmage.  In so doing, Maas implied that taking the penalty was somehow worse than taking the sack.

It's not.  Taking the sack results in the ball at the spot of the tackle and the loss of a down.  So does the penalty for intentional grounding.

The only real difference is that it reduced Peppers' sack total for the game from four to three.

On consecutive plays in the first half, Maas tried to spot Panthers receiver Keyshawn Johnson on the telestrator.  On both occasions, Maas circled the wrong guy.

Also, Maas went on and on after a first-half play in which Panthers defensive tackle Jordan Carstens split left guard Steve Hutchinson and left tackle Bryant McKinnie to make a key tackle.  After a commercial, Maas conceded that it actually was Hutchinson and Matt Birk who'd been divided by Carstens, not Hutch and McKinnie.  But Maas never bothered to mention the replay that showed Hutchinson releasing the block prematurely and moving to the next level in search of another defender to hit.

Our complaints with Maas aren't confined to matters of ability.  He was a tad disingenuous, too.  Near the end of the first half, the Vikings started a drive in their own end with 11 seconds left and all three time outs.  The dude they found in the men's room asked Maas whether he thought the Vikes would try to move the ball, or whether they'd just run out the clock and head to the locker room.

In answering the question, Maas deliberately took his time until he could see the beginning of the "quarterback kneel" formation as the players broke the huddle.  Maas then proclaimed that the Vikings wouldn't try to move the ball.

Said Maas in an effort to kill time until the huddle broke:  "Well, I think given that they're at home . . . . given that they understand what they're gonna do . . . . you take a knee."

Maas pulled a similar routine later in the game, delaying his two cents regarding whether Minnesota receiver Troy Williamson landed in bounds until Maas could see via the replay that he did not.  "It looked to me as if . . . . . . . . his right hand hit out of bounds before his right foot did."

Also, Maas insisted that the crowd was booing when it was obviously chanting "Smoot" (for Vikings corner Fred), Maas presumed that Panthers punt returner Chris Gamble's ill-advised lateral to a teammate was not a called play, and Maas went out of his way to throw "attagirls" to sideline reporter Dawn Mitchell, who was (and how do we put this kindly?) absolutely pig-freaking horrendous.

6.  "Mr. Russell, You Have An Envelope From New York."    

We loved the jaw-jarring hit that Browns safety Brian Russell slapped onto Bengals receiver Chad Johnson on Sunday.  But even though the surprisingly magnanimous Johnson said that Russell shouldn't be fined for the move, it clearly was an illegal hit.

Russell dropped the crown of his helmet into a defenseless receiver's body and flattened him.  Case closed.  

We're amazed that the officials didn't throw a flag, and we'll be shocked if Russell doesn't have to write a check.

And Russell had better be careful moving forward.  The NFL tends to increase the fines for subsequent offenses.  Former NFL safety Mark Carrier eventually drew a two-game suspension for repeated illegal hits -- and he never actually served the suspension because of the fact that any team who signed him would have to do without him for two games, making him less attractive as a veteran free agent.

7.  The Power of the Present Tense.

We think we've figured out why the highlights portion of NBC's Football Night In America (and Portions of California) pales in comparison to the now-defunct NFL Primetime on ESPN.

First, Dorian Gray is simply not sufficiently interested.  And it shows.  He injects little or no excitement when reviewing the action, a sharp contrast to Chris Berman's breathless recounting of the game.

Second, and perhaps more importantly, Berman delivers the highlights by describing the action in the present tense.  Dorian Gray, on the other hand, uses the past tense -- further making the segment feel like old news.

It's a subtle yet highly effective tactic; by using the present tense instead of the past tense when describing a set of facts, the story is more likely to come alive -- and the listener is more likely to be engaged.

With that said, we're not sure that such a change would make up for Dorian Gray's air of indifference to the entire process of talking about pre-played games.

As to the ESPN highlight package that is now embedded in the 11:00 p.m. SportsCenter, it's just too darn late -- and we're forced to sit through too much crap about sports we hate while waiting for the NFL highlights to continue.  

8.  DirecTV Finally Gets It Right.

We've noticed that the folks at DirecTV no longer are required to "black out" games on the deesh that otherwise are available in a given market.  

In the past, this practice has prompted plenty of complaints, since lots of satellite customers don't have the local channels.  Likewise, we heard many reports of situations in which DirecTV blacked out the wrong game in a given zip code.

So kudos to DirecTV and the folks at Park Avenue for fixing this problem.  (See, we're capable of periodically issuing praise.)

9.  Our Weekly Sterling Sharpe Complaint(s).

On Saturday, we teed off on NBC's Sterling Sharpe for his suggestion that Pats tight end Ben Watson will be a "restricted free agent" in 2007, even though he's under contract through 2009.

On Sunday, Sharpe gave us some more ammo.

At one point on the NBC pregame show, Sterling uttered this gem:  "Don't judge Michael Vick by the way he throws."  (How should we judge this quarterback, Sterling?  By the manner in which he swallows his Valtrex?)

Sterling also fubared the facts regarding the much-publicized victory guarantee from Lions receiver Roy Williams, stating that Lions receiver Mike Williams was the one who made the guarantee.

Look, we understand that casual football fans could screw something like that up.  (Then again, casual football fans likely wouldn't even have known about the story.)  But for a guy who gets paid to talk about football for one hour a week (and, presumably, to pay attention to the sport for a few additional minutes when not on the air), it's inexcusable to make such a stupid mistake.

Meanwhile, Sterling's brother Shannon provided one of the best lines of the weekend.  Asked during the CBS pregame whether Cowboys quarterback Drew Bledsoe will be benched before Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer, Shannon said:  "Who plays first today?" 

10.  Our Weekly Michael Irvin Complaint.

We didn't really see or hear anything outlandish from Michael Irvin during his weekly television appearances, but we really do think that something wasn't right with the Playmaker on Monday night, when it seemed at one point as if he might fall asleep mid-sentence.

Then again, it's possible that we're just getting numb to the point that we no longer notice things like the Tweety Bird three-piece suit, or the tie knot big enough to smuggle five illegal immigrants, or the shameless references to his past NFL glory.

The thing that troubled us the most this week from Irvin occurred on Monday's Dan Patrick Show on ESPN Radio.  At one point, Irvin suggested that defensive tackle Chris Hovan was the recipient of excessive hype early in his career because he's white.  The Playmaker then suggested that black players don't get hyped.

Sorry, Mike, but NFL players don't get "hyped" based on whether their skin is a certain color.  The media and the sponsors are looking for compelling characters, whether it's Warren Sapp or Chad Johnson or Jeremy Shockey or Hovan, whose face paint and tattoos and unhealthy obsession with Lord Favre contributed to his appeal until folks figured out that, well, Hovan isn't a very good player.

If Irvin's theory were accurate, more people would know who Matt Jones is.  Instead, the oversized, superspeedy college-converted quarterback who became a first-round pick based on potential could probably walk through the downtown area of every NFL city and not even be recognized -- even in Jacksonville.

We've got a real problem with guys who recklessly play the race card, and Irvin's comments from Monday were about as overtly ignorant as we've ever heard from anyone attempting to comment on such matters.  He shouldn't have a job on television, and it's good for him that the same racists who hype white players over black ones didn't apply that same standard when filling his job.