WEEK FOUR

As we began the process of compiling another ten takes regarding the week that was in the NFL, we realized that there's just too much stuff going on.  Several of our opinions and observations have appeared in the Rumor Mill, regarding events like the Haynesworth Hop (or, if you prefer, the Gurode Road Grading).

So our goal is to touch on ten things that might have gotten lost amid the incidents that have gotten plenty of play.  You might have noticed them, you might have missed them.  But these are the ten things that caught our eye and/or ear.

1.  "Put Your Sack on Hasselbeck."

We received several e-mails on Sunday night during the first half of the Seahawks-Bears games regarding a sign in the crowd that read, "Put Your Sack On Hasselbeck."  In the second half, after Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck was tackled behind the line of scrimmage while attempting to throw a pass, the sign was shown again.

It's as if no one in the truck realized that the message was intended to be a crude (yet funny) play on words. 

The act of tackling a quarterback behind the line of scrimmage while attempting to throw a pass is called a "sack."  In normal football parlance, statements are used such as "he sacked the quarterback" or "the quarterback just got sacked."  We've never heard the action referred to as a defender "putting a sack on" the signal-caller.

The dude who made the sign was also undoubtedly referring to the term "sack" as the pocket of flesh that houses a defensive player's testicles.  It goes by different names:  ball sack, nut sack, marble sack, olive sack, etc.  But the common denominator ("sack") coupled with the word "your" gives the phrase two meanings when placed into the phrase  "put your sack on Hasselbeck."

One, please tackle the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage while he is attempting to throw a pass.

Two, please drop your scrotum onto his face while doing so.

We doubt that anything like this would draw an FCC fine, and maybe NBC welcomes that kind of stuff in order to draw viewers away from FOX's bawdy Family Guy.  But our guess is that no one put two-and-two together on this one.

Here's some related signs that hopefully would be more obvious to the producers:

"Put your bag on Brady."

"Put your crotch on Culpepper."

"Hang your chub on Chad."

"Put your loins on Losman."

Hell, that's just the AFC East.  We didn't even get to possibilities like "Put your naked-butt-and-rectum on Peyton" or "Put your johnson on Johnson" or "Don't touch Vick or you'll get the herpes."

2.  Vermeil Offense Comes Out Of Hibernation.

Through the first two weeks of the NFL season, the high-octane, shift-heavy, War and Peace-playbook offensive attack hatched under Dick Vermeil in St. Louis and propagated by Mike Martz with the Rams and Vermeil and Al Saunders with the Chiefs looked to have gone the way of the leisure suit and the Flowbee.  The Chiefs, which still use the system, mustered only 10 points and 6 points in two losses.  Saunders' Redskins scored 16 and 10.  And Martz's Lions put up 6 and 7.

Total tally?  Zero wins, six losses, and a scoring average of 9.1 points per game.

Since then, however, the numbers are up.  Significantly. 

The 'Skins have scored 31 and 36 in two straight wins.  The Chiefs hung 41 on the 49ers after a week off.  And the Lions, though still winless thanks to a defense that hasn't delivered on the Rod Marinelli hype, have put up 24 and 34 despite falling to 0-4.

That's an average of 33.2 points per game.

So what's going on here?  Apparently, it takes a little time for the Vermeil offense to "take."  In Detroit, it's a brand-new attack, so the players had to get up to speed.  Ditto in D.C.  In Kansas City, most of the players were familiar with it, but the new head coach wasn't.

And regarding the fact that Saunders so famously stripped down the attack during the preseason games, we think that teams need to reassess the benefits of keeping the opening regular-season opponents in the dark, and the costs of not having your guys ready to execute in game conditions.  The Vikings and Cowboys didn't have much film to work with, but both beat the Redskins.  The Texans and Jaguars had 120 and 180 minutes of tape, respectively, but neither could stop the D.C. attack.

In this specific case, then, there might have been some value in taking a public test drive during exhibition games, even if it meant letting teams get a premature peek under the hood.

3.  "What Are They Saying, Dad?"

We understand that ESPN is trying to leverage (and justify) its $1.1 billion per year investment in the NFL by making the Monday night broadcast much more than a three-hour production.  There's the pregame and the postgame and the pre-pregame and the post-postgame and the cast of thousands who make the trek from Connecticut to Washington or to Jacksonville or to New Orleans or to Philly (if we hear Stu Scott say "Illadelph" one more time we're gonna get illadelph in his illashoes). 

But why?  What's the purpose of dragging anyone but the broadcasters and the sideline reporters to the stadium where the game will be played?  In exchange for the cash and inconvenience, ESPN gets to show us all that the guys are at the game. 

Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo. 

As we're now learning, the video is a little sexier ("Wow, a real football field in the background -- just like the one we'll be looking at for the next three hours!"), but the audio suffers considerably.

Especially in Philly.

Did anyone -- anyone -- consider the possibility that, by hauling a polarizing figure like former Cowboys receiver and resident T.O. enabler Michael Irvin to Philadelphia that the crowd noise might become, shall we say, a distraction?

There it was, every time Irvin tried to talk.

"Ass-hole . . . ass-hole . . . ass-hole."

Or "Irvin sucks!  Irvin sucks!  Irvin sucks!"

Or "Dallas sucks!  Dallas sucks!  Dallas sucks!"

Or, as we heard prior to the game, "T.O. swallows!  T.O. swallows!  T.O. swallows!"

Or, as we heard after the game, "F--k you T.O!  F--k you T.O!  F--k you T.O.!"

For ESPN, the FCC isn't an issue (but maybe in the future it should be).  It's the fact that, between the hours of 7:00 p.m. EDT and 8:30 p.m. EDT, kids are watching this stuff.

"What are they saying, Dad?"

"Um . . . um . . . I think they're saying that T.O. is hollow.  You know, like those chocolate Easter rabbit . . . bunny . . . things."

Hey, ESPN, we're all really impressed that you have the rights to the Monday night games.  We understand that it means you're a legitimate network.  Now, please keep the analysts in the studio so that my son won't continue to hear profanity at home from someone other than me.

4.  Bust in Cleats?

What a difference a week makes.  With most of the media (including us) ready to declare that the Texans blew it when taking defensive end Mario Williams over running back Reggie Bush, Williams gets 1.5 sacks and makes a game-saving deflection of a pass during a two-point try that, if successful, would have knotted the Houston-Miami game at 17 with less than two minutes to play. 

Although comparing the stats of Bush to Williams will always be an apples and rutabagas proposition, our pal John Marie from 990-AM in New Orleans has put together some interesting numbers regarding Bush and other rookie running backs.

Through 25 percent of his rookie season, Bush has 45 carries for 147 yards (3.3 avg.), 23 catches for 187 yards (8.1 avg.), and no touchdowns.  He's also 25th in the league in punt returns, with 9 tries for 57 yards (6.3 avg.).

Pats running back Laurence Maroney, the 21st overall pick in the draft, has 60 carries for 294 yards (4.9 avg.), 6 receptions for 76 yards (12.7 avg.), and three touchdowns.

Panthers running back DeAngelo Williams, the 27th overall pick in the draft, has 25 carries for 135 yards (5.4 avg.), 7 catches for 41 yards (5.9 avg.), and one touchdown.

Colts running back Joseph Addai, the 30th overall pick in the draft, has 46 carries for 207 yards (4.5 avg.), 11 catches for 72 yards (6.5 avg.), and one touchdown.

Titans running back LenDale White, the 45th overall pick in the draft, has 18 carries for 63 yards (3.5 avg.), two catches for 5 yards (2.5 avg.) and no touchdowns.

Jags running back Maurice Jones-Drew, the 60th overall pick in the draft, has 20 carries for 118 yards (5.9 avg.), 9 catches for 91 yards (10.1) avg., and two touchdowns.  He's eighth in the league in kickoff returns.

Falcons running back Jerious Norwood, the 79th overall pick in the draft, has 26 carries for 217 yards (8.3 avg.), one catch for 12 yards (his quarterback, after all, is Michael Vick), and one touchdown.

Though these numbers don't indicate that Bush is a bust, his contributions to date aren't head and shoulders above the performances of his peers.  He's fourth in rushing among the bunch, and only he and former USC teammate LenDale White haven't scored.  Likewise, Bush has the lowest average gain per attempt.

(And, please, hold the e-mails arguing that Bush is sharing touches with a veteran tailback.  So is every other guy on that list.)

In all, this supports the notion that capable running backs are essentially fungible, and that it rarely makes economic sense to give a tailback a truckload of money, because a team almost always can find someone nearly as good for less money.  It's more important (as the Cardinals and Edgerrin James are learning) to ensure that the offensive line is opening holes through which the running back can run.

Then again, the Saints needed a hero -- and they found him.  But while he may be a savior, it's becoming increasingly obvious that he's not a Sayers.

5.  A Begrudging Dash Of Praise For The Playmaker.

It's nice to see that someone has finally told Michael Irvin to quit wearing ties with knots the size of folded flags, and we're glad that Irvin came off as more coherent on Sunday and Monday than he did during last Wednesday's post-T.O. press conference interview with Bob Ley, which prompted multiple readers and league insiders to openly ask whether Mike was under the influence of something that they don't sell in the cookie aisle. 

And it was refreshing to learn that Irvin doesn't plan to "violate himself" when expressing opinions regarding guys like Lord Favre.

6.  "The Asian Assassin."

During last week's Monday night game, Saints corner Mike McKenzie introduced linebacker Scott Fujita as "the Asian Assassin."

Now we know what McKenzie meant.

In an incident that has drawn far less scrutiny than it otherwise might have if Albert Haynesworth hadn't tried to clean the flesh off of Andre Gurode's skull with his cleats, Fujita dove at the knees of Panthers receiver Steve Smith during a play in which the action was on the other side of the field.

You can eyeball the video right here.

Fujita reportedly apologized to Smith, and Fujita claims that he slipped.  On the video, it doesn't look like Fujita slipped.  But we can't tell what in the hell he's trying to do, frankly.  He doesn't really try to pull up, but he doesn't really plow Smith's legs, either. 

Maybe it was, in the end, the ultimate act of diabolical genius -- an intentional act that looks kind of like an accident, allowing the culprit to maintain plausible deniability.

And why do we have a feeling that, once Haynesworth gets back into the NFL, he'll face a few hits of that kind, too?

7.  Best Commercial Ever.

We were completely blown away by the GMC commercial that played near the opening of Sunday night's game on NBC.  With John Mellencamp's stirring "Our Country" serving as the soundtrack, the spot featured a compelling cornucopia of football images, ranging from pee-wee games to shots of NFL legends like Lombardi and Butkus and Unitas and Payton.

Powerful, powerful stuff.  When we saw it live, we got chills.  First time through on TiVo, the eyes got a little wet.  (We think it was allergies.)  Second pass on the TiVo, more allergies.

Our view?  NBC should give Pink the pink slip right now and make the GMC spot the opening to the show.

We just pulled the thing up and watched it again.  Where in the hell is the Claritin?

8.  The Seahawks Won't Have To Worry About Getting Screwed In February.

Will the Seahawks get back to the Super Bowl this year?  No.

In our view, they've gotten complacent.  They simply don't have the same desire to get to the top of the conference, and to take the next step.

The best evidence?  Apart from the 37-6 thrashing they took in Chicago on Sunday night, running back Shaun Alexander, who is out with a foot injury, was wearing his NFC championship ring on the sidelines.

Shaun, while you're still playing football, an NFC title is nothing to be proud of without an NFL championship two weeks behind it.  Absent the Lombardi, winning the conference connotes failure, not success.

When you're out of the game, that's different.  If you don't have a Super Bowl ring to wear, then by all means bring out the second-place prize.  A lot of guys don't have one.  But while you're still a member of the NFL, that NFC championship ring is a constant reminder that you got close but couldn't finish the deal.

Though on one hand it's possible that Alexander is wearing his ring as a source of motivation to take it one step farther, we have a feeling that the real reason is pride not passion.  And if the 2005 NFL MVP is content to rest on his laurels, why shouldn't the rest of the team?

9.  The Next Lord Favre.

On Monday night, we witnessed yet another verbal sexual assault of Packers quarterback Brett Favre, courtesy of the new broadcast team of Danny DeTirico, Kornholio, and Joey Sunshine. 

The only thing missing was a breathless John Madden treating Favre like the next best thing to a Bloomin' Onion all to himself.

But Madden knows that Favre has dropped the landing gear on his NFL tenure.  Unless NBC picks a Packers game as part of the flexible scheduling that starts next month, Madden won't get a chance to give Brett a farewell nuzzling. 

So John is looking for a new boyfriend.

Enter Rex Grossman.

"Young Brett Favre . . . looked like Brett Favre . . . that's a Brett Favre move . . ." etc., etc., etc.  Grossman is the emerging object of Madden's affection, and with more and more members of the "real" media thinking that Rex is the next big thing at the quarterback position, it looks like Lord Favre won't be missed.

The Lord is dead.  Long live King Rex.

10.  Rod Needs A Hug.

Okay, we know that things aren't going well in Detroit for new coach Rod Marinelli.  But we saw clips of Marinelli near the end of Sunday's defeat-snatched-from-the-jaws-of-victory against the Rams.

And he looked like he was ready to cry.  Seriously.

Sorry, Rod.  You had a chance to do your homework before deciding to become the third head coach of the failed Matt Millen regime.  And you gladly welcomed the praise from sock puppets who ignored the objective evidence and presumed that your rah-rah military style (i.e., Les Steckel) would be something other than an abject failure.

The defense, which initially looked to be one of the team's strengths, is dreadful.  The offense is coming around, but can't win games on its own.

Our advice to the Ford family?  Fire everyone.

Better yet -- sell the team.