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1.  The Playmaker Justifies His Employment.

Still wondering why the folks at ESPN didn't fire Michael Irvin for his recent remarks regarding the lineage of Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo?

Apart from the whole double standard thing, the reality is that Irvin is in a prime position to get access to controversial NFL players.  A few weeks back, he snagged an exclusive with Titans defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth.  Last Sunday, Irvin had yet another sit-down with Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens.

Although Irvin's colleagues proceeded to rip T.O. apart for the content of his comments, the powers-that-be at ESPN made sure that the Owens interview started at high noon in the East, just as the pregame shows on FOX and CBS were beginning.

And that's why, in our view, ESPN won't dump Irvin until he screws up at least one more time -- and until ESPN has hired another former player who can deliver big-name players who aren't likely to trust many broadcasters.

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2.  The Mystery Of The Three Inches.

Several of this week's Ten-Pack items arise from Sunday night's Saints-Cowboys game.  Primarily because the rest of the weekend's games bored the sh-t out of us.

But also because the NBC guys gave us plenty of ammo.  For example, at one point during the Sunday night affair, Al Michaels was perplexed by referee Gerry Austin's statement that a five-yard penalty on the defense would leave the ball three inches short of a first down.

How, Michaels asked, could the ref know this without actually measuring?

The answer officially came several minutes later, but anyone who has ever gotten a look-see at a ten-yard chain at any level of the sport already knew the answer.

There's a clear mark in the exact middle of the series of links.  So for a five-yard penalty enforced when the line of scrimmage is three inches short of the five-yard mark, the new line of scrimmage is three inches short of the line to gain.

Should Michaels have known this?  Probably not.  But his partner, John Madden, should have had an inkling, since Madden has been down on a field once or twice.  Or more.

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3.  Jared Has A New Friend.

Though we've never been a big fan of reformed fat guy Jared of the Subway commercials, whom we think has been wearing baggy clothing over the past few years to conceal the fact that he has been packing the pounds back on, we generally prefer his performances to those of Jon Lovitz.

Over the weekend we learned that Jared has a new partner:  Giants defensive end Michael Strahan.

In their first spot together, the somewhat effeminate (in our opinion) Jared and the Pro Bowler with (as his ex-wife alleged in open court) an "alternative lifestyle" engage in an argument regarding whether a foot-long, um, sub is preferable to a hamburger because the sandwich has "less fat" or "more meat."

But after watching Jared and Michael conduct a fast-paced tit-for-tat in which Jared shouted "less fat" whenever Strahan yelled out "more meat," we had to ask ourselves a question.

They're talking about sandwiches, right?

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4.  Reggie The Trailblazer?

During the Sunday night game, we had to dig the wax out of our ears after hearing John Madden say that Reggie Bush is the first running back to "leave his feet" during the play.

Um.  John?  Maybe you should ask your bust in Canton to have a little chat regarding the matter with the bust of a guy named Payton.  Walter Payton.

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5.  Tirico Is Retarded.

But for his Ben Franklin gaffe from earlier this year in Philly, ESPN's Mike Tirico has generally been the smart guy in a booth with two morons, Joey Sunshine and Kornholio. 

Based on something Tirico said on Monday night, however, we're starting to wonder whether Tango and Cash are starting to rub off on Tirico.

Though we were sound asleep for the fourth-quarter moment in question, several readers alerted us to Tirico's proclamation that Bears G.M. Jerry Angelo "inherited" coach Lovie Smith when Angelo got the job.

It is, in our opinion, one of the dumbest things we've ever heard from a sock puppet, on par with Sunshine's statement from earlier this year that quarterback Rex Grossman is becoming the player that Lovie Smith thought he was when Smith drafted him.

The guy who drafted Grossman, and the guy whom Angelo inherited, was Dick Jauron.

What makes Tirico's error more shocking is that these guys blow into town a couple of days before the game to, you know, find stuff out about the teams.  The notion that Tirico didn't know something as basic as whether Smith was the coach when Angelo was hired makes Tirico as unfit for the gig as his partners.

And in calling Tirico "retarded," we don't mean to offend anyone.  Except Tirico.

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6.  "Mark McGwire For The Hall Of Fame!"

Really, do you think that anyone not related to Mark McGwire would ever make such a statement?  McGwire's bat-swinging accomplishments have been tarnished by strong suspicions of steroid use while he was playing, followed by a pathetic Sgt. Schulz performance before Congress, capped by a presumption by most sports observers that major league baseball's "juiced ball" era was the direct result of juiced ballers.

So if McGwire, who never tested positive for anything (because he was never tested for anything), should be barred entry into Cooperstown, shouldn't Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman be excluded from consideration for the Pro Bowl and/or more lofty awards like Defensive Player of the Year?

Merriman tested positive for steroids, and he missed 25 percent of the season because of it.  He played multiple games after testing positive, which presumably means that his early-season performance was tainted by the use of the banned substance.

The "real" media, however, apparently will give him a pass on this, because the "real" media has swallowed the hook regarding the dog-on-homework claim that Merriman unwittingly used a supplement that was spiked with nandrolone.

Folks, you've been had.  Lawyer David Cornwell knew that he couldn't beat the four-game suspension, so he tried to score a win in the court of public opinion, where things like evidence and truth and facts are as relevant as the Arizona Cardinals in January.   

Merriman claims he didn't cheat, and his word is good enough for the sock puppets.

But what cheater is ever going to admit that he cheated?  Cheaters, by definition, are dishonest.  Does anyone expect cheaters to 'fess up to cheating, especially when there's a convenient excuse that's readily available?

In this case, the objective facts suggest that Merriman has made up an alibi in order to avoid the stigma of being a known steroids user.  As we explained after the story broke, Merriman said in his own web site that he wasn't taking any supplements.  Also, he claims he has lost the bottle of bad medicine.  And while he rattled the sword regarding a possible lawsuit against the company that made the supposedly tainted supplement, he has refused to name the manufacturer, possibly in order to avoid a defamation claim from the corporation with financial interests that could be destroyed by such a contention.

We therefore think that Merriman should be excluded from eligibility for any postseason award.  And we suggest that the league consider amending its policies to state that any player suspended during any part of a season for violation of the steroids policy is automatically barred from consideration for such honors, including the Pro Bowl.

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7.  Michaels Tees Off On Smoke-Filled Halftimes.

A couple of weeks ago, we sounded off regarding the haze of smoke that was created by pyrotechnics used during the John Fogerty concert at Ford Field on Thanksgiving Day.  Fireworks generally aren't as effective in, you know, broad daylight.  And the byproduct is a cloud of smoke for the second half, especially in an indoor facility.

Though we broke away from the Sunday night game for a little while after the second quarter, there apparently was a similar production at halftime of the Saints-Cowboys game at Texas Stadium, and it drew the ire of NBC's Al Michaels, who (as we've been told) called the practice of littering the stadium air "stupid."

Good for Michaels.  We hope it's enough to get the folks who operate these venues to realize that anything that the halftime fireworks might add to the experience is more than outweighed by the presence of a second-half haze.  If we want the Fog Bowl, we'll fire up the VHS of Bears-Eagles 1988, or Pats-Steelers 1996. 

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8.  Tiki's Thesaurus.

Another nugget we missed over the weekend (but to which our loyal readers alerted us) was the postgame interview of Sir Tiki by FOX's Pam Oliver.

Apparently, Sir Tiki was using fancy words like "coalesce" and "galvanize," which prompted Oliver to tell Sir Tiki that she needs a Thesauras when she talks to him.

Zing!

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9.  Devin for ROY?

With Bears rookie cornerback/kick returner Devin Hester taking two kickoffs back for touchdowns in Monday night's game against the Rams, plenty of folks are talking about the possibility of Hester being named the rookie of the year.

Though he's had a huge impact on the Bears, and likewise has set a single-season NFL record for touchdown returns, such an accolade might be unwarranted -- primarily because the honor currently is given out by the AP only for the best offensive and defensive rookies.

Hester is a defensive player, but his magic has come on special teams, which technically isn't offense or defense.

So here's our suggestion to the AP.  Why not have a special teams rookie of the year, and why not start it with one of the most exciting rookies we've ever seen play special teams?

As usual, an idea that makes perfect sense only means it never will be adopted.

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10.  Our Playoff Picks.

With only three weeks left in the 2006 season, we'd like to offer up our projected playoff pairings in both conferences.

Why?  Well, we couldn't come up with a tenth topic that got us sufficiently enthused, and we're always willing to show how little skill we possess at prognostication.

In the AFC, we see the Pats winning the East, the Ravens securing the North, the Colts capturing the South, and the Chargers championing the West (a bold choice, since they've already clinched it).  We also see Jacksonville and Cincy nailing down the Wild Card spots.

The seeding?  1.  Chargers; 2. Ravens; 3. Colts; 4. Patriots; 5. Jaguars; 6. Bengals.  

We like the Bengals over the Colts and the Pats over the Jags on Wild Card Weekend, the Bengals over the Chargers and the Ravens over the Pats in the Divisional Round, and the Ravens over the Bengals in the AFC Championship.

In the NFC, we like the Cowboys in the East, the Bears in the North (we're back out on that limb), the Saints in the South, and the Seahawks in the West.  We predict that the Wild Card teams will be the Giants and (no, we're not crazy) the Vikings.

Seeding goes like this:  1.  Bears; 2.  Saints;  3.  Seahawks; 4.  Cowboys; 5.  Giants; 6.  Vikings.

We like Seattle over Minny and the Cowboys over the Giants in the first weekend, the Cowboys over the Bears and the Saints over the Seahawks in the divisional round, and the Cowboys to avenge Sunday night's ass-whupping against the Saints in the NFC Championship.

In the Super Bowl, we like the Ravens over the Cowboys.  20-10. 

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