WEEK ONE 

 

You asked for it -- you got it.  Okay, you didn't ask for it.  But you're getting it anyway, so shut up and read. 

Here's a weekly snapshot of where the respective 32 teams rank, in our oft-defective eyes.  These are different than our predictions from last week, and likewise different from the Preseason Power Rankings. 

The present rankings are a look at where we see the 32 NFL teams as of right now.

1.  Steelers (1-0):  To replace the Bus, the team went out and got a Dump Truck.  (Thanks to the reader who suggested this perfectly appropriate nickname for Najeh Davenport.)

2.  Colts (1-0):  The official prize for the team that wins the "Manning Bowl" was a free ticket to the Super Bowl, because that's the only way either team is gonna get there. 

3.  Ravens (1-0):  Steve McNair is to Kyle Boller what Filet Mignon is to an ear booger.

4.  Bengals (1-0):  Chad Johnson promised to set the single-season record for touchdown receptions.  After one game, he's already up to zero.

5.  Bears (1-0):  Yeah, Lovie Smith doesn't deserve a contract extension.

6.  Jaguars (1-0):  Not-So-Fat Albert looks like his diet of late has consisted primarily of hay, hay, hay.  (Rim shot.)

7.  Eagles (1-0):  All it took was to get rid of Donovan McNabb's pain in the groin -- and the team's pain in the ass. 

8. Patriots (1-0):  Eventually, the offense will consist of Tom Brady and ten linemen.

9.  Falcons (1-0):  Is it a coincidence that in the Nike commercial featuring Michael Vick and a cast of dozens the crunch-time pass is thrown by a halfback?

10.  Chargers (1-0):  Philip Rivers is on pace to attempt more dumps than passes this year.

11.  Vikings (1-0):  Troy Williamson needs to decide whether he's going to be Randy Moss or Todd Stinkston.

12.  Dolphins (0-1):  Little Debbie could throw a red hankie with more force than the Nicktator. 

13.  Seahawks (1-0):  Is Deion Branch the final piece of the puzzle?  Only if he's going to play left guard. 

14.  Giants (0-1):  Based on Eli's performance in crunch time, we think a DNA test is in order; the younger Manning looked more like a Culpepper in Week One.

15.  Rams (1-0):  "The Greatest Show on Turf" nickname soon could be resurrected.  For the defense.

16.  Redskins (0-1):  With all that talk about the struggles of the D.C. offense, has anyone noticed that the defense is AWOL? 

17.  Jets (1-0):  Good news -- Tangini beat the Titans.  Bad news -- it was the Titans.

18.  Panthers (0-1):  Unless Steve Smith planned to play linebacker last week, his presence wouldn't have made much of a difference for Carolina.

19.  Cardinals (1-0):  Pink Tacos for everyone!

20.  Cowboys (0-1):  The only way Drew Bledsoe gets another Super Bowl ring is if he has another unfortunate encounter with Mo Lewis.

21.  Saints (1-0):  Before anyone gets too excited, they were 1-0 last year, too.

22.  Broncos (0-1):  Jake Plummer was really out of his Element on Sunday.

23.  Chiefs (0-1):  Coach Herm Edwards is asking Willie Roaf to come out of retirement.   To play quarterback.

24.  Lions (0-1):  Defensive line coach Joe Cullen promised to run around the locker room naked if the team won the first game of the Rod Marinelli era.  After the loss, Cullen decided to do it anyway.

25.  Texans (0-1):  Gary Kubiak misses Mike Shanahan almost as much as Mike Shanahan misses Gary Kubiak.

26.  Browns (0-1):  If you're at the Berea Wal-Mart next week, give Mo Carthon our regards.  He'll be the guy passing out the shopping carts.   

27.  Titans (0-1):  Don't worry, Jeff, you only have to put up with this crap 15 more times. 

28.  49ers (0-1):  Alex Smith wouldn't look like a budding bust if he could face the Cardinals' defense every week.

29.  Bills (0-1):  When "We only lost by two points!" is the rallying cry for Western New York, you know that it's gonna be a long year.

30.  Buccaneers (0-1):  If this team wins 9 games in 2006, we'll tattoo Chris Simms' initials on our forehead.

31.  Packers (0-1):  K-Rob's biggest potential contribution to the team?  Spiking the Gatorade.

32.  Raiders (0-1):  Even a real black hole would spit this sorry bunch back out.