PFT POWER RANKINGS

WEEK TWO

1.  New England Patriots (2-0):  The Pats tell the world, "We've got your distraction right here."

2.  Indianapolis Colts (2-0):  If they thought the Titans were a challenge, wait 'til they get a load of the Texans.

3.  Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0):  Bill Cowher?  Who in the hell is Bill Cowher?

4.  Chicago Bears (1-1):  Maybe Lovie Smith should spike Rex Grossman's Gatorade the day before the piss man arrives.

5.  Dallas Cowboys (2-0):  We smell a statement game this weekend against the Bears.  (Or maybe Tank Johnson has been eating summer sausage again.)

6.  Denver Broncos (2-0):  Coach Kevlar dodges another bullet.

7.  Cincinnati Bengals (1-1):  The fact that the Bengals are ranked this high after giving up more than 50 points shows how weak the NFL is right now.

8.  San Diego Chargers (1-1):  So much for taking it to the next level under Mr. Roper.

9.  Houston Texans (2-0):  Former G.M. Charley Casserly's best personnel move ever  was to resign. 

10.  Green Bay Packers (2-0):  The two teams they've beaten are simply not very good.

11.  Seattle Seahawks (1-1):  The neo-Steelers stick it to the 'Hawks (without much help from the zebras).

12.  Tennessee Titans (1-1):  This team will be in every game it plays -- until Uncle Rico gets busted into seven pieces.

13.  Baltimore Ravens (1-1):  Right now, 3-13 could be more likely than 13-3.

14.  Washington Redskins (2-0):  We wish they played the Cowboys before the middle of November.

15.  Detroit Lions (2-0):  If God really wanted to work a miracle for the Lions, Rodney Harrison would hit Jon Kitna square in the kneecap, and J.T. O'Sullivan would marry a chick with short gray hair. 

16.  San Francisco 49ers (2-0):  Why do they even bother to pass? 

17.  Carolina Panthers (1-1):  Losing to the Texans at home is like getting punched out by a dwarf.  (Unfortunately, we can relate.)

18.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1):  Ten years after the Bucs busted onto the scene, is it time to take them seriously again?

19.  Arizona Cardinals (1-1):  The culture of losing could be finally starting to fade.   

20.  Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1):  Beating the Falcons by less than a touchdown should technically count as a loss.

21.  St. Louis Rams (0-2):  We hope Scott Linehan enjoyed his days as an offensive coordinator; he might be re-living them soon.

22.  New York Jets (0-2):  The problem with exceeding expectations in Year One is that expectations are higher in round two.

23.  Philadelphia Eagles (0-2):  Things went from bad to horrendous on Monday night.

24.  New Orleans Saints (0-2):  Losing to the Bucs is a bad sign for a team that fattened up last year on the bad teams in the conference. 

25.  Oakland Raiders (0-2):  At least they're showing up for the first 50 or so minutes this year.

26.  Cleveland Browns (1-1):  The fans deserved a big win.  Hopefully, they'll get a few more.  This decade.

27.  Buffalo Bills (0-2):  At least they're tied for second place in the division.

28.  Minnesota Vikings (1-1):  The best-case scenario for this team is 8-8.  Which could be good enough for the No. 5 seed in the conference.

29.  Miami Dolphins (0-2):  Cam Cameron is having vivid memories of what it was like to coach at the bottom of the Big Ten.

30.  Kansas City Chiefs (0-2):  This weekend's home game against the Vikings might be the best chance to win a game in September.  Or October through December.

31.  New York Giants (0-2):  This team's mojo apparently was kept under Ernie Accorsi's scalp-shaped welcome mat. 

32.  Atlanta Falcons (0-2):  They actually would be No. 35, if the list were merged with the CFL.