SUPER BOWL PREGAME

SEND YOUR COMMENTS

(HIT F5 TO GET THE LATEST CRAPOLA!)

Not content to merely offer up a Live Blog of Super Bowl XLI, we'll also be your sarcasm sidekicks for the four-plus hour pregame show on CBS.

We'll also inject some of our own nuggets of information, thanks in part to the ever-valuable NFL Record & Fact Book, the Super Bowl's official web site, and other sources.

As always, your e-mails are welcome/desired/needed in order to make this thing as entertaining as it can be.

Updates start full speed at 2:00 p.m. EST.

Here we go.

Cuba Gooding to kick things off?  It's nice to see he could take time off from the filming of his next crappy movie.

Good to see that Mama McNabb's movie is supporting the Pregame show.

Marino can tell us plenty about how to lose one of these.  So can Boomer.

Ball security is important for every man, Norm.

Sam Ryan?  Didn't you used to be a worthless sideline reporter for MNF?

Steve Tasker says the Colts will be having a meal at halftime.

"It really doesn't get any bigger than this," says Solomon Wilcots.  (Duh.)

Wilcots asks Moose Muhammad how he slept the night before the biggest game of his career.  (Um.  The guy was in the Super Bowl a couple of years ago.)

A light meal always sounds good to J.B.  (A heavy meal does, too.)

Mike Irvin is excited about the shots of "grass cake" on both the ESPN and CBS pregame shows.

Sharparo talks to the Indy defenders.

And Sharparo is trying to stir up some sh-t between Herman Munster and his defense.

A reader predicts that if the Colts eat a light meal at halftime Peyton Manning and company will be doing the Chunky soup spew in the second half.

Dan Marino says the Indy defense has a "drug problem"; they get "drug" up and down the field.  (Actually kind of funny.)

The Alka-Seltzer tune set to a rock/jazz groove?  Not a bad idea to increase sales, because hearing it gave me an upset stomach.

Is it just us, or does JB's moustache look like it's been shoe polished?

Greg Gumbel?  Would you sell your toupee to save a friend's life?

Super Bowl fact:  Only two teams have ever won the Super Bowl the season after losing it.  The Cowboys won Super Bowl VI after losing to the Colts in Super Bowl V.  And then the Dolphins won Super Bowl VII after losing to the Cowboys in Super Bowl VI.

Is that a Hershey's kiss stuck to Sharparo's face?

Nothing like a nice spread of food . . . . that's being rained on.

Reader:  "Hopefully Greg Gumbel would never give up a kidney to save Bryant's life."

A reader has advised us that Peyton Manning is related to Archie and Eli Manning.  And that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.

2:30 p.m. EST.  Thirty minutes in.  Trying not to watch the clock like a Dunder Mifflin employee.

Did J.B. just say "pounding the holes"?  (The sad part is that he things the secondary meaning is related to consumption of donut byproducts.)

A reader tells us that Bears CB Ricky Manning Jr. just told NFLN that he doesn't talk trash.  (Yeah, unless the receivers are Jewish or Iranian or minding their own business at Denny's.)

Man I hope Thomas Jones' dad has an earring in his left ear, too.  (Not that there's anything wrong with it if he only has his right ear pierced.)

J.N. is ready to go eat some soggy food.

Why do we think of Chuck Finley and Tawny Kitaen when we see those Norbit spots?

Hmmm.  Maybe CBS "encouraged" the NFL to allow Tom Brady to skip out on the Pro Bowl, since CBS also is airing the Pebble Beach Pro-Am -- and is hyping Brady's appearance there.

This makes sense.  A chef shows how to do prepare tailgating food . . . in a city that prohibits tailgating within a mile of the stadium.

Esiason looks like a natural with a tong in his hands.

Sharparo wants to know if any of the meat is horse; he doesn't want to go cannibal today.

Based on how much the Norbit marketing effort is dumping into this pregame show, the movie probably needs to earn $100 million the first weekend in order to break even.

Reader:  "Why do I get a feeling that this metro chef has no idea what will be going on in that big building behind him today?"

Reader:  "Marino was looking for the Nutri-System food on the dude's picnic table."

It's nice that CBS could find a project for Dick Enberg, the guy who should be calling the game instead of Jim Nancy.

They should have had the Coors Light guys asking Walsh the questions for this spot.

Reader:  "This Bill Walsh retrospective is great considering how he has obvious close ties to the Bears and Colts."

Eddie DeBartolo "lost a little piece of [himself]" when Bill Walsh retired.

Someone needs to tell whoever did the camera work for this piece that we really aren't interested in being so close that we can count the hairs in people's noses.

And no segment would be complete without Dick Vermeil getting choked up.

Hard to take the discussion of that piece seriously with all those "NORBIT" signs.

Marino is thinking that if the 49ers had drafted him he'd have five rings right now.

Herman Munster has his game face on.  (And his bolts have been polished nicely.)

David Spade -- "the single guy".  Um, there's a reason for that.

3:00 p.m. EST.

Hour two is presented by Pizza Hut.  And J.B. has a nice spread of pizza in front of him.  Marino is looking for the Nutri-System stuff.

Holy crap -- Marvin Harrison speaks.

Reader:  "Sam Ryan, what was going through your mind when you went to work for CBS?  Signed, Michelle Tafoya."

Reader:  "My wife saw Jerry Rice on one of her female shows the other day and she thinks he might be on the down low."  [Editor's note:  We're not suggesting that Rice is on the down low.  At all.  Just so we're clear on that.]

Sam Ryan says that Marvin Harrison is an "anomaly."  (She's apparently trying to keep Tiki from taking her gig.)

Sharparo was eating the pizza -- he has realized that it's tastier than a feedbag full of oats.

J.B. is pissed off that Boomer is giving away the pizza.

Reader:  "Sam Ryan was born Samantha, but the voice cries out 'Samuel.'"

They really need to improve the NFL pension -- the Fridge needs some teefs.

Dan Marino showing off his coin flipping skills; his hand hasn't moved that fast since about 9:30 this morning.

Call sign:  Barbaro.

Will they edit out the part where Boomer pukes in his mask.

Sharparo looks like he's ready to cough up some oats.

The Air Force woman says they wanted to make Sharparo and Boomer puke.

Sharparo thumping on the pilot's helmet?  Are we sure Sharparo wasn't just counting?

If Marino keeps joking J.B. about being fat, J.B. should start talking about how many rings the retired quarterback from his old show owns.

Reader suggests that J.B.'s comeback to Marino should have been:  "Well, the Jerk Store just called, they're running out of you."

Chimes in Sharparo:  "And I just slept with your wife. . . .  Well not really with your wife.  She slept in the house and I stood out in the stable."

Reader:  "Public Affairs Officer is Air Force lingo for 'Least Homely Woman in the Squadron.'"

Reader:  "Sharparo gave that plane ride two hooves (hoofs?) up."

Nice to see that Casserly packed his undertaker's suit for South Florida.

Casserly is talking like he just ate a whole box of Trix.

"Orientated"?

Reader:  "Does Lipitor sponsor hour three after one hour of Mama McNabb and one hour of Pizza Hut's cheese-filled pizza?"

Great point by Casserly on the proclivity of today's crew for calling offensive holding.

Another great point about all of the balls that the league will try to push onto the field today.

Stevie Nicks?  Nothing says football like Stevie Nicks.

Did they show the rest of the Pizza Hut commercial?  You know, the part where after eating all that pizza Jessica Simpson runs to the bathroom and induces vomiting?  (Maybe she should have taken the ride on the jet.)

A reader wants to see a weight contest between the Fridge, J.B., and Stevie Nicks.

3:30 p.m. EST.

Will Chad Johnson be a guest star on CSI: Miami?

Just got a hilarious e-mail that the censors won't allow me to post.  (E-mail me if you want to know what it is.)

Poor Tank Johnson.

We meant to write something on this but ran out of time.  Why in the hell was Tank Johnson allowed to participate in Media Day?  The judge should have said you get to go to the game and practice and that's it.

Hey, J.B., play the part from media day when he blames having all them guns on racism.

The judge let Johnson go to Miami because the judge won't get re-elected if the Bears give up 250 yards on the ground without Tank on the field.

Reader:  "J.B. wants to borrow some of Tank's guns to protect his food."

Reader:  "Somewhere, despite all the Super Bowl hype, Jack Del Rio sits in Jacksonville, with every water faucet in his house running at full blast."

This segment on Piccolo and Payton is excellent.  We wish we could make a smartass comment or two about it but we can't.

Reader:  "That was a great segment.  Makes puking in a jet seem silly.  I'll bet they follow it up with something stupid."

Cue the Munsters theme song.

What the hell did J.B. just say?  (Boomer wants to know too.)

The word is "assiduous."  (Asks a reader:  "Does that mean when you put your naked butt and rectum on someone's face?")

Reader:  "J.B. busting out the Harvard vocab to make sure Tiki doesn't take his job."

Who needs Tank Johnson or Tommie Harris?  Stevie could play the three technique as well as anyone.

There are three bass drums on stage -- one with each drum kit and one under the back of Stevie's skirt.

Boomer and Sharparo didn't puke at 9.3 G's, but they puked during that song.

Joe Willie does not want to kiss Stevie Nicks.

4:00 p.m. EST.  Two hours in.  This is fun so far.  Almost as fun as attending a full Stevie Nicks concert.

So the Vince Lombardi Trophy talks like a wise guy from Jersey?  Does the Sugar Bowl Trophy talk like a coon-ass?

A reader wants to know if the NFL is aware that they continued to make new music after 1990.

Whoa.  Did you see that golf cart get low when J.B. climbed aboard?

What's with the helmets under glass?  Maybe that's what happened to Thurman Thomas' hat.

Reader:  "Aside from the Piccolo/Payton segment, the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet is vastly more entertaining than the pregame show.  Plus, most of those puppies are smarter than Sterling Sharpe."

A reader says that Deion was bitching about the fact that he's not an NFL head coach on NFLN.

Prince is to football as quiche is to a burger.

We can imagine the negotiating session:  "Um, Mr. Prince.  It's relatively important that none of your band members or general entourage are engaged in any actual or simulated sexual acts while you are performing."

Randy Cross in the dining facility?  Nahhhhhhh.

CBS sent Randy Cross to Baghdad in the hopes that he won't find his way back to the States.

From a reader:  "I just ended a 15-year friendship over the fact that my friend rated Halloween a better holiday than the Super Bowl.  He went as far to say Halloween was better than Easter.  He put the Super Bowl #5 as i put it #3. . . .  WHAT A BITCH."  (Gee, we're surprised that friendship lasted beyond the day that one of them killed the last gerbil.)

Responds a reader:  "What kind of pre-game show chef keeps track of how long he's known another dude?"

Says a reader regarding the Baghdad item:  "ESPN would have sent Salisbury, but those dudes don't like guys that take pictures of their own junk."

Phil Simms is talking about the balls getting rubbed up.  (Jim Nancy is excited.)

Simms was like, "Am I supposed to talk?"

Reader:  "How much do you suppose someone paid for tickets only to have their view blocked by the NFL Today set?

Mom is in the hizzy!

A reader says that Lesley Visser is on loan from the Puppy Bowl.

Rex Grossman's grandpa played for the Colts.  That's an intriguing story that somehow has gotten lost in an otherwise humdrum week.

Too much tittering over the fact that Rex means "King."

Katie Couric?!?!?!?!?!  NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Katie Couric is awful.  Terrible.  Dreadful.  And of course she had to stick her face in the middle of all the attention.

Katie Couric interviewing Hines Ward?  Before this week she thought "Hines Ward" was the neighborhood in New Orleans where they stored all the ketchup.

Here's hoping Katie lightens up her serious interview with Hines by saying, "Were you skipping after scoring that touchdown in the Super Bowl last year?  My daughters have some of the costumes from their dance recitals, if you want to try them on."

We missed the 4:30 p.m. EST reset.  It's now 4:38.  Sorry.

How much did State Farm pay to have its blurry logo on the screen for this entire segment?

We had to step out of the room to bid farewell to the wife and Florio Jr., who actually will be interacting with other human beings in person for the next several hours.  Apparently, Dallas Clark was called "Dwight" during the show.

NICE hair Katie.  Now leave.

Katie looks like she was put away wet. 

Apparently, Katie aired this piece on her daily news show.  You know, the one that no one watches?

Are the captions necessary?  It's not like Mrs. Ward is a coon-ass.

Hines was a cute kid.  What the f--k happened?

"Bruce Leroy"?  Now that's funny right there.

Oh yeah.  A shot of Mike Tirico.

Hines just suggested that he decided to go to Korea because there were Korean reporters all over his house after the Super Bowl last year; we could have sworn that he recently told ESPN that he already had the trip planned before the 2005 season.

Shouldn't Hines be happy, in hindsight, that his mom had to leave Korea and move to the land of the NFL?

It makes us wonder how many kids are out there in other countries who could become Super Bowl MVPs.

That was a great segment.  Would have been 100 times better without Katie Couric narrating.  And if it actually had a connection to this year's Super Bowl.

"Thanks so much for having me," Katie says to J.B.  As if J.B. had a choice.

Reader:  "I could have used captions to figure out what Nelson Mandela was saying."

5:00 p.m. EST.  Less than 90 minutes to kickoff.

We have no idea who those two guys were.  (Apparently it was Kanye West and Common.)  We are old.

Tony Dungy says that Nick Harper (ankle) will start.

Super Bowl fact:  The Colts lead the all-time series with the Bears, 22-17.  They have never faced each other in the postseason.  They played twice per year from 1953 through 1966.  The Colts won seven straight times in the series from 1966 through 1983. 

The Indianapolis version of the Colts are 1-4 against the Bears.

A reader raises a good point -- why isn't David Letterman being incorporated into this show?  He grew up in freaking Indiana.

Dan Marino isn't wearing a wedding ring.  Either he got a divorce (and we don't recall seeing that anywhere), or he decided that if he can't wear a Super Bowl ring he's not gonna wear any rings.

A reader throws a dart at Dan Marino:  "My girlfriend just sat down and wanted to know what David Hasselhoff was doing talking about the game."

Vinatieri just shtoinked one off of the upright from way out.

Great, a commercial for the Grammys.

Was that Springsteen singing Clash songs?  If those guys on that commercial don't know the words to "Rock the Casbah," we can only imagine how badly Springsteen butchered it.

Okay, so the high-falutin' Grammys will feature someone getting pulled out of the audience to sing with the "D--k in a Box" boy?

Archie Manning and Katie Couric went to the same hair stylist.

Can we get captions for Archie?

Dan suggests that Archie should have a couple of glasses of wine in the box.  It sounds like Archie has already had a couple of glasses of wine.

If Peyton Manning's helmet always makes his ever-growing forehead red, why not wear a helmet that fits him a little better?

Up next -- Coach Chin.  Yet another solid connection to this year's game.

Coach Chin in a suit?  Did someone die?  Where's the Cliff Huxtable sweater?

We once thought that Coach Chin could be the next Madden, but we don't think anyone could take three hours of that voice.

Coach Chin makes it clear he wants to be an analyst.  Sharparo is trying to talk him out of it.

Next up, Dan Marino asks Peyton Manning to get really fat so that he then can be the next Nutri-System spokesman.

5:30 p.m. EST.

We don't usually watch much of the Super Bowl pregame show and we now realize that we have been missing nothing.

What the hell is SalesGenie.com?  If you accidentally hit the "W" instead of the "G," we have a feeling you'll end up at a very different site.

Wow.  Peyton had a huge forehead even as a toddler.

Great self-deprecation from Marino regarding how little kids dream about running the 2:00 drill in the Super Bowl.  "I still dream about it," Marino says.

Did Boomer say Manning "choked in the big one" or "choked on the big one"?  (Kenny Chesney really wants to know.)

Best thing about doing the Live Blog?  I won't eat like a pig tonight.  (Not until the game ends, that is.)

Cirque de Soleil?  Yeah, that's Super Bowl material.

(A reader corrects us:  "It's 'Cirque De Soliel.'  I feel gayer just for knowing how to spell it.")

(Our proofreader guy eventually corrects us -- "Cirque Du Soleil.")

(Asks a reader:  "Why is a soccer player performing?")

Boomer picks the Colts, 31-21.  He says Peyton will "host" the Super Bowl trophy and "host" the MVP trophy.

Marino says Colts 31, Bears 24.

Sharparo admits to going "back and forth."  He picks the Colts but tries to leave room for the Bears.  38-27.

Based on that Salesgenie.com commercial, our guess is that there will be plenty of calls coming from a certain business establishment in Scranton on Monday.  (If it, you know, actually existed.)

The Oil of Olay thing is on.  Great chance to clear out the various internal repositories.

This looks more like Pokemon Live to us than some fancy French circus thing.

Now we're talking.  A marching band in masculine uniforms.

Okay, we've never seen a show that goes from being kinda cool to kinda gay and back again every three seconds.

Reader:  "Okay, maybe that chef really did know what was going to happen in the big building."

Reader:  "Video of this must be saved, to be shown the next time somebody asks why Americans hate the French."

6:00 p.m. EST.

Great, great, great opening.  We're getting a little teared up.  Almost makes up for the four hours of sh-t that we were fed in the pregame show.

Today, let it be known to the world that we are typing for Barbaro.

Maybe Jim Nancy is already using the Berman head paint.

Phil Simms always looks like he just walked out of the old ladies' beauty parlor.

No dome team has ever won a Super Bowl played outdoors.

Damn.  No screwing around.  Right to the AFC intros.

No more individual intros ever since the Pats did the "all together" thing five years ago.

Oops.  Someone was standing on the microphone cord when Urlacher was being interviewed.

Commercial with Chad Johnson's Super Bowl party -- are they taking bets on who gets shot?

Is that Billy Joel or some rich guy's butler?

What the hell was that chick teaching her kid?  Right hand over heart and left hand doing a "heil Hitler" sign?

Several readers want to know where Billy Joel's hair went.  (We think Jim Nancy stole it.)

Okay, advertising works.  After being bombarded with commercials for the Norbit flick, we've decided to go see it.

That's all for the pregame.  Time to switch to the real Live Blog.