DANTE'S DRAFT LINKS    

by Dante Aligheri

UPDATED WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30, 2003 @  2:45 AM  

Welcome to the SECOND ANNUAL DANTE'S DRAFT SITES AWARDS SHOW extravaganza. The Draft is now over -- and all the Draftniks are now longingly gazing at their Mel Kiper autographed publicity photos (the lifelike size 3' by 5' reproductions) -- while all the while wondering "How, too, can I be like Mel and look totally unprepared most of the time on the ESPSnore Draft weekend even though The Melon Headed One devotes all his fu--ing life to following the trials and tribulations of sweaty men on a football field?" 

This past season of Draft crap -- er -- sites had allowed Dante to look at some good sites -- and quite a few bad.  Besides the isolated emails from mongoloids who challenged me to start my own Draft site ("Hey Dante -- be a man -- have you own Draft site so you can waste a lot of time like me and research who the best long snappers are, blah, blah, blah" -- Dante's got a snapper for you, pal) -- Dante's Draft Links seems to have once again touched the hearts of millions.  For that -- I thank you the loyal reader.  For those of you who sent me nasty emails and told me that I am full of shit -- go to hell.

Enough of the sentimentality  -- let's get on with the SECOND ANNUAL DANTE'S DRAFT SITES AWARDS SHOW.  Each site will be awarded its niche in its own unique category (assuming I can make up enough derogatory ones) -- and will be accompanied by its final STAR ranking. By the way, intermission entertainment will be presented by Mike Florio and his He-Man Male Dance Revue (no placing of quarters in the backsides please).

My final rankings are based on the following criteria:
 

- Site needs no upgrades -- everything you need is found in the Site - as compared to everything that passes through your intestines that you find in most Draft sites.

- Site has good player information, mock draft, projected draft round, good graphics, news section and positional rankings . . . but has some characteristic that lessens its attractiveness (a funny commercial during Draft weekend is cut off by a picture of Melon Head and Bore-man yukking it up over a joke that not even a man on laughing gas would find amusing).

- Site has good points and bad points (Good Point: Suzy 'Butch' Kolber's segment is over . . . Bad Point: Andrea Kramer a/k/a The Torturous Broad In Red is next).
- It is either looking at this site or trying to figure out has the bigger head -- Mel Kiper or Agent Orange Boy Drew "Can We Negotiate Him Off The Planet?" Rosenhaus?

Forget the fact that your Mock Draft only proved once again that the only thing that you can predict is that you have no future and quit reading Pastabelli's reprint of Profootballtalk stories . . . it's now time to begin the SECOND ANNUAL DANTE'S DRAFT SITES AWARDS SHOW:

The Site With A Grinning Idiot For A Writer Who Also Wears a $3.00 Shirt Award - CBS Sportsline

The No -- We Did Not Name Our Site From The Backside Nickname Our Family Gave Us Award - Red Eye Sports

The We Live In Alaska And Have To Do Something Else Other Than Just Rub Noses (And Other Things) Award - Football Forecasters.com

The Last 2 Letters Of Our Site's Initials Stand For The 2 Words That Most People Think Of When They Read Our Site Award - TFYDraftPreview.com

The Fact That We Act Like Our Site Is Really Really Good Is Scaring Most Others Award - Matt and Marty's Draft Report

The Most People Would Rather Be Addicted To Eating Dog Shit Than Reading Our Site Award - NFL Draft Addicts

The Our Site Is Enough To Make You Wish That Time Stopped And The World Ended Award - On The Clock

The If This Is Our World When Is The Next Space Trip To Mars? Award - NFL Draft World

The I'd Rather Ask My Neighbor's Dog's Balls A Question Than This Horseshit Site Award - ask the Commish.com

The Which Weighed More? -- Nick Charles' Hair Or His Body? Award -  SI.com

The Forget SnoreCenter -- I Want To See Bore-Man and Fat Ass Pastabelli In A Hoagie Eating Contest Award - ESPN

The Hell -- Let Charlton Heston Or Someone With Any Sort Of Personality Announce The Draft Picks -- Even Jerry Lewis Would Do A Better Job Award - NFL.com

The Even Guys Who Have Pet Monkies And Rate Men's Sweaters Can Have A Draft Site Award - Little Mike Florio's Profootballtalk 1 Round Mock Draft

The Yea -- I'll Hail Them -- About The Same Time I Place Tattoo Clone  Danny Snyder On A Coat Hook And Keep Him Up There For A Couple Years Award - HailRedskins.com

The This Site Guy Knows About As Much Football As I Know About Geothermal Energy Award - AboutFootball.com

The Warning -- If You Read This Site You Will No Longer Be Competent To Stand Trial Award - NFLDraft.WS

The Biggest Whiner In the Draft Site World And A Site That The Phrase 'What The Fu--' Fits Best Award - Falk Online

The Like Cleveland -- This Site Smells Like Garbage Award - Bernies Insiders

The Anyway We Can Get Bradshaw And Brown To Log On Their Computers While They Are Sitting In The Bathtub? Award - Fox Sports

The Yes -- Even Now -- It Still Sucks Really Really Bad Award -110PercentFootball 

The Site's Name Rhymes With Butt Muncher (thanks for pointing that out Mike) Award - TBF's Mock Draft Muncher

The I've Seen Better Showcases At Jewelry Counters At Kmart Than This Train Wreck Of A Site Award - NFL Draft Showcase

The It Sucks Like Monica Award - NFL Report

The Thank God For Explosives Award - NFL Draft Countdown

The Did One Site Ever Confirm That One Guy Was The Only Reason It Ever Had Any Good Content Award - Profootball Weekly

The Go In The Corner And Never Ever Come Out Again Or We Will Whack You In The Head Award - The Football Corner

The Why Don't You Tell Us Your Mock Draft Changes Rather Than Expect Us To Actually Read Your Sorry Ass Picks Award - Searle's NFL Draft Arena

The Party Is Over And You Better Be Better Next Year Or You'll Be Sweating Your Balls Off In Dante's Hell Award -  Rob's Scouting

The Those Orange Fingerprints On Your Ass Is Not A Good Thing Award - Couch Scout

The If I Tell Everyone Ad Nauseam That I Am The Best Draftnik Will My Boss At 7-11 Let Me Have One Of The 3 Day Old Big Bites For Half Price? Award - All-Pro Scouting Services

The Would You Mind Holding The End Of This Rope Tied To A Patriot Missile? Award - Boomer's Draft

The Please -- I Am Lost In The Computer Lab And Can't Find My Pocket Pen Clip Thingy Award - Draftbook

The Name Of My Site Is Similar To Another Site -- And Like That Site My Site Sucks Too Award - Draft Notebook

The Hey Chris -- Please Don't Try To Post A Draftlinks Page And Then Boo-hoo You Don't Have Time To Update It -- No One Really Cares Award -   NFL Draft View

The Site That Made The Biggest Comeback This Year But Still Has A Columnist That Needs To Spend More Time At His Job At The Key Making Kiosk Award - The Huddle Report

The Site That Had More Team Page Writers Than NFL Teams And Has Been Milking That 3 Star Ranking Way Too Long So I'm Coming After Your Ass Next Year Award - NFL Draft Blitz 

The Do You Really Think Fanatic Is A Good Word To Use In Today's World Mr. Not Politically Correct Boy? Award - NinerFanatic.com

The Hey Hyde -- Your Welcome For Profootballtalk Posting Your ESPSnore Parody Story -- How Does It Feel To Have Your Monthly Site Hits In The 100s Now? Award - Mr. Hyde's NFL Draft Central

The Hey - Let's Pick Another All-Star Game All-Star Team Because I Can Not Write Very Well And Everyone Is Getting Tired Of Reading My Draft Prospects Crap About Guys Who Have About As Much Chance Of Playing In The NFL As I Do Not Having Less Than 14 Ho-Hos To Eat Tonight Award - Draft 2003.com

The You Know -- My Balls Can Get Really Blue When It Is Cold Up Here In Pussyville -- Er -- Canada Award - The Great Blue North Draft Report

The Only Head I Have Ever Seen Bigger On A Living Thing As Compared To The Dome On This Site Guy Is When They Showed A Close-up Of King Kong Award - Mel Kiper

Yes -- the party is over . . . another Draft season come and gone.  Will I be back for the 2003 Draft? -- you'll have to wait and see. If you think of Dante over the summer and want to drop me a line -- don't.  But if you want to tell Dante "yea . . . you're right . . . if I squint just right that one I just pinched does look like Florio" then email Dante with your moronic, sleep-inducing babble -- you never know when I might have trouble falling asleep.

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