THE TACKLING DUMMY

by columnist Lloyd Faust

Mock, Mock

or, Mocking the Mockery of Mock Drafts

March 15, 2004

Most people don’t know it, but the phrase “mock draft” actually comes from an ancient Egyptian hieroglyph which loosely translates to, “Hell, I don’t know.  Your guess is as good as mine.  Get a life.” 

Well, we here at The Tackling Dummy have decided to do things a little differently.  (And by “we” I mean me, the voices in my head, and the little neighborhood boy I pay to stand next to me and tell me how funny I am.)  We dig a little deeper and ask the question, “Who does each team really need?” 

1. San Diego Chargers – Molly Sims, supermodel, actress.  After going 17-31 the past three years, the Chargers finally decide to put something worth looking at on the field. 

2. Oakland Raiders – Moe Howard, Curly Howard, Larry Fine, actors.  On a team as bad as the Raiders, there’s always room for three more Stooges. 

3. Arizona Cardinals – Carrot Top, comedian, corporate spokesman.  Without a quality football product, the Cardinals hope to lure fans to the stadium to watch a quasi-albino burn to death in the desert. 

4. New York Giants – Robert Plant, lead singer, Led Zeppelin.  With uber-disciplinarian coach Tom Coughlin in town, the Giants need someone around to occasionally ask, “Does anyone remember laughter?” 

5. Washington Redskins – Merlin Olsen, DT (Rams, ‘62-’76).  The Redskins need defense and at least one player on the roster that 157-year-old coach Joe Gibbs can relate to. 

6. Detroit Lions – Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake, recording artists.  Jackson and Timberlake’s Super Bowl “wardrobe malfunction” should go over well in Motown, where there’s been a football malfunction for the better part of forty years. 

7. Cleveland Browns – Sebastian the Ibis, University of Miami mascot.  Browns coach Butch Davis desperately needs a reminder that at one point in his life he was actually a pretty good football coach. 

8. Atlanta Falcons – All the King’s horses and all the King’s men.  Despite their lack of success with Humpty Dumpty, they get another shot in Atlanta, where they will be standing by in case something happens to Michael Vick again this year. 

9. Jacksonville Jaguars – Michael Jackson, pop star, accused child molester.  The Jaguars need at least one person on the team that the average American could pick out of a police line-up. 

10. Houston Texans – U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich, presidential candidate.  The Texans were at or near the bottom of the league in almost every defensive category.  Given that Kucinich was at or near the bottom of almost every Democratic presidential primary, he should fit right in.  

11. Pittsburgh Steelers – Donald Trump, billionaire, television producer.  If the Steelers don’t make the playoffs again this year, they’re going to need someone to tell coach Bill Cowher that he’s fired. 

12. New York Jets – Kermit the Frog, Muppet.  After going a very disappointing 6-10 in 2003 a year after winning the AFC East, the Jets will make “It’s Not Easy Being Green” their official team song. 

13. Buffalo Bills – Heidi Fleiss, Hollywood madam.  The Bills were held to a touchdown or less six times last season.  Fleiss will be brought in to provide some tips on scoring. 

14. Chicago Bears – Huggy Bear, pimp, police informant, “Starsky & Hutch.”  Only a guy named Huggy would fit in on a team coached by a guy named Lovie. 

15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Martha Stewart, domestic diva, convicted felon.  The riches-to-rags Stewart should fit right in in Tampa, where the Bucs went from Super Bowl champions one year to missing the playoffs the next. 

16. San Francisco 49ers – Chris Webber, forward, Michigan Wolverines/Sacramento Kings.  Webber should be able to explain to the Niners what happens when you really need a T.O. but don’t have one.  (Note: If you get this reference, get out of the house immediately.  Your life is slipping away from you while you are watching television.) 

17. Cincinnati Bengals – Arnold Schwartzenneger, governor of California.  To help ease QB Carson Palmer into his new starting role, the Bengals see the importance of surrounding him with others who got their jobs on name recognition alone. 

18. New Orleans Saints – Eddie Money, rock star.  With QB Aaron Brooks leading the league in dropping the ball for no reason whatsoever, the Saints will bring Money in to sing his hit song “Baby Hold On” (1977) at team practices. 

19. Minnesota Vikings – Frank Lloyd Wright, architect.  The Vikes nab noted architect Wright, in hopes that he can teach them how to build a team that won’t completely collapse at the end of the season. 

20. Miami Dolphins – Marlon Brando, actor.  RB Ricky Williams has gotten his act together and cut off his dreadlocks, so Brando will fill the role of resident weirdo. 

21. New England – The Snow Miser, cartoon character (“The Year Without a Santa Claus,” 1974).  The Pats hope to give the phrase “home field advantage” new meaning by making it snow year-round in Massachusetts.   

22. Dallas Cowboys – Ryan Seacrest, television/radio personality, host of “American Idol.”  After a surprisingly successful first year in Big D, coach Bill Parcells looks to deflate sky-high expectations for his team by drafting someone with no discernable talent whatsoever. 

23. Seattle Seahawks – Dorothy, “The Wizard of Oz.”  After going 2-6 on the road in 2003, the Seahawks hope that Dorothy can get them home at any point during the 2004 season by simply clicking her heels together. 

24. Denver Broncos – Steve, “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé.”  With Clinton Portis off to Washington, Broncos coach Mike Shanahan looks to prove that he can make a 1,000-yard rusher out of a…well, a big fat guy. 

25. Green Bay Packers – Rosie O’Donnell, comedian, television personality.  After chickening out in last year’s playoffs, coach Mike Sherman hopes to make the Packers a little more manly. 

26. St. Louis Rams – Hannibal Lector, serial killer, cannibal.  A curious selection, but Rams coach Mike Martz would like someone else to be the craziest person in the organization for a while. 

27. Tennessee Titans – Prometheus, wisest Titan in ancient mythology.  Given that his name means “forethought,” perhaps Prometheus can keep the team from getting into this kind of salary cap mess again in the future. 

28. Philadelphia Eagles – Bob Vila, home improvement specialist.  Vila will spend most of the season pointing out to the Eagles that their window for winning a championship has been closed and painted shut.  He will also point out that the color used was a stunning Radiant Lilac. 

29. Indianapolis Colts – Gary Coleman, child star (“Diff’rent Strokes”).  After spending nearly $100 million on Peyton Manning, the Colts need to find someone who will work for next to nothing. 

30. Kansas City Chiefs – O.J. Simpson, running back, accused murderer.  Though an offensive player, the Juice’s main contribution to the Chiefs will be to constantly remind the team of the importance of a good defense. 

31. Carolina Panthers – John Holmes, porn star.  After losing the Super Bowl on a last-second field goal, the Panthers hope that Holmes’ legendary 14-inch penis keeps them from coming up “a little short” in 2004. 

32. New England Patriots – Wendy, hamburger chain mascot.  Just to taunt the rest of the league, the defending Super Bowl champions use their second first-round pick on an imaginary little girl.

We know -- you're probably like us and saying -- Its enough to get this goofball's sad attempt at humor one time -- but isn't 32 times utter torture? So if you want to email  Lloyd Faust and tell him to maybe concentrate on his other career as a jock strap model it's OK with us.

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com. -- but strangely, they seem to arouse Mike Florio.

Super Bowl Preview

January 26, 2004 

The Votes Have Been Counted 

By an overwhelming majority, readers have asked The Tackling Dummy to stay, and the column will return to ProFootballTalk.com for the 2004 season.  I will also be writing a weekly column for the new CollegeFootballTalk.com site, so be sure to check that out, too. [Editor Note: can we have a recount?]. 

And, as if that’s not enough, look for a full-length book of all-new material this summer, which you’ll be able to get online. 

Thanks to everyone who voted.

 High Five 

Ways to liven up your Super Bowl Party 

1.     Every time a television analyst points out that “defense wins championships,” kick someone in the nuts.

2.     Every time that Tom Brady’s name is mentioned, sing the Brady Bunch theme song in its entirety and then do a shot of Tequila.  (Caution: If the Patriots dominate in time of possession, you might die.)

3.     Hire strippers to perform a live sex show in your living room at halftime. 

4.     Buy one of those goofy half-Patriots, half-Panthers jerseys, let partygoers take turns beating you with a stick while taunting your appalling inability to make a meaningful decision.

5.     Put hashish in the guacamole, watch your friends go slowly insane. 

Word on the Street 

If you own a television set and a computer, you’ve probably already had your fill of Super Bowl analysis from former players, former coaches, chicks who used to date former players, and all manner of assorted talking heads.   

But what about the average Joe or Jane, the man or woman on the street?  What does he or she have to say?  The Tackling Dummy decided to take the pulse of America.  Well, maybe not America per se, but definitely everyone I ran into within five miles or so of my house. 

Chet, drive-thru order taker:  “Dude, I don’t care about the Super Bowl, but if you don’t drive up to the first window I’m going to come out there and strangle you with my headset.” 

Steve, neighbor: “I’ll take the Panthers in an upset.  And can you please stop playing Lynyrd Skynyrd CDs at three in the morning?  You’re going to give me an aneurysm.” 

Tommy, former high school quarterback, current night manager at an auto parts store:  “I’ll tell you right now I was a better quarterback than Brady and Delhomme combined.  My senior year against Central, I threw seven touchdown passes in one quarter.  One quarter.  That’ll be eleven dollars for the wiper blades.” 

Sheila, lady in parking lot of grocery store:  “Uh, the Patriots?  You’re not going to carjack me, are you?” 

Old man in park:  “Don’t talk to me about patriots.  I spent two tours of duty in a submarine during World War II.  I smelled like boiled cabbage for four years, you goddamed punk.” 

Mrs. Tackling Dummy: “Take out the trash, imbecile.  Your ass is mine until fall.”

Analysis, Weakly 

Carolina vs. New England – Check this out.  Tampa Bay won the Super Bowl last year.  Carolina plays in the same division (NFC South) as the Bucs.  The last time two different teams from the same division won the Super Bowl in back-to-back years was after the 1991 and 1992 seasons, when the Redskins and Cowboys both beat the Bills.  Coincidentally, the country at that time was led by a man named Bush and fighting with Iraq in the Middle East.  More coincidentally, the Bills are in the AFC East, as are the Patriots.  It would appear that the stars have aligned for a Panthers upset.  It would also appear that I should get to a doctor, as my left eye has begun to twitch.

I know -- we're pissed he's coming back too. So if you want to email  Lloyd Faust and tell him to start writing for Florio's favorite mag Blue Balls and Red Peckers.

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com. -- but strangely, they are better than that of Mike Florio's inflatable love doll.

Conference Championships

January 14, 2004

Last Chance to Vote! [Editor Note: Boyd -- we forgot to tell you . . . you did win the Biggest Loser on this site award!] 

This week is your last chance to vote on The Tackling Dummy's future. 

In the spirit of democracy and slight mental illness, I’ve decided to leave the fate of The Tackling Dummy to you, the reader.  Your vote will determine whether the column will return for the 2004 season or if I’ll have to return to my first love, knitting pornographic quilts (don’t ask).  Vote here with a simple “stay” or “go.” 

I’ll announce the results in my Super Bowl preview column. 

High Five 

1.     Seriously, Rams coach Mike Martz’s decision-making process gives new meaning to the phrase “Ready, fire, aim.”  Martz is more like, “Fire, fire, fire.  What?  Aim?  Who, me?”

2.     Speaking of the Chiefs defense, which gave up 38 points and 434 yards to the Colts in last weekend’s divisional playoffs, Kansas City DE Vonnie Holliday said, “On paper, (the defensive talent) is very impressive.”  What, on toilet paper?

3.     This just in: The ghost of Vince Lombardi has been dispatched to Green Bay, where he will spend the next six months disrupting the sleep of Packers coach Mike Sherman with shouts of, “Wake up, you big wussy.”

4.     New Giants coach Tom Coughlin said that his team “…cannot have turnovers of any kind.”  Team sources indicate that things are also not looking good for jellybeans, canned vegetables and individually wrapped cheese slices.

5.     You just know that sometime in the fall, some guy who’s smoked way too much marijuana is going to turn on the TV, see a game between Joe Gibbs- and Bill Parcells-coached teams, frantically turn to one of his friends and say, “Dude, what year is it?” 

Analysis, Weakly 

Indianapolis at New England – The big question here is whether defensive mastermind Bill Belichick can figure out how to stop Colts QB Peyton Manning and the Indy offense.  The big question at my house is whether the $1,000 a month I spend on blow-up dolls, cutlery and books about midgets would be better spent on some kind of intensive psychological therapy.  I don’t know about the first question; my wife believes the answer to the second one is, “Most definitely.”

Carolina at Philadelphia – Speaking of Panthers QB Jake Delhomme, Carolina head coach John Fox said, "…the bigger the game, the bigger he gets.”  Oh, great.  Do we really want a ten-foot-tall, 500-pound Cajun quarterbacking in the Super Bowl?  That’s probably gonna scare the kids.

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust and tell him to stay that is OK with us -- but you also may want to ask him "Since when did you column size start to resemble your scrotum size?"

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com. -- but strangely, they are greatly respected by the clothes dresser guy on that Queer Guy show.

Divisional Playoffs

January 7, 2004

With last week’s technical difficulties in getting the column posted and the short New Year’s week, I’ve decided to keep the polls open a little longer.  So… 

In the spirit of democracy and slight mental illness, I’ve decided to leave the fate of The Tackling Dummy to you, the reader.  Your vote will determine whether the column will return for the 2004 season or if I’ll have to return to my first love, knitting pornographic quilts (don’t ask) [Editor Note: we thought your first love was touching yourself Floyd]. Vote here with a simple “stay” or “go.” 

Analysis, Weakly 

Carolina at St. Louis – Last week the Panthers became only the second playoff team to win with no penalties and no turnovers.  With 22 interceptions on the season, Rams QB Marc Bulger is more careless with the football than intravenous drug-using prostitutes are with their immune systems.  So let’s just go ahead and assume the Panthers win the turnover battle in this one, okay?

Tennessee at New England – At the same moment that Titans RB Eddie George was taking the first snap of the third quarter up the middle for three yards after dislocating his left shoulder before halftime, I was writhing on the ground in my backyard with a muscle cramp brought on by walking to feed my dog.  What can I say – he’s a man; I’m a dufus.

Indianapolis at Kansas City – With the Colts’ #1 passing offense going up against the Chiefs’ #20 passing defense, there should be more balls in the air than at a jump rope contest for three-testicled men.

Green Bay at Philadelphia – The Packers are beginning to have that “team of destiny” feel about them.  Reminds me of my neighbor Steve, who achieved the statistical impossibility of being struck by lighting seven times in 1998.  I don’t know if the Packers’ magical run will end with a championship, but by the end of his magical year Steve could run his belt sander by plugging it into his ear.

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust and tell him to stay that is OK with us -- but if you want to tell him "How does it feel to know that that your nickname is 'Dick'?' that's OK with us too.

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com. -- but strangely, every time he mentions some word concerning a man's groin Mike Florio starts to breathe heavily. 

Wild Card Weekend

(We Know We Posted This Late But Florio Got A New Michael Jackson Video . . . )

Reach Out and Touch Someone

(But Not in a Bad Place) 

In the spirit of democracy and slight mental illness, I’ve decided to leave the fate of The Tackling Dummy to you, the reader.  Your vote will determine whether the column will return for the 2004 season or if I’ll have to return to my first love, knitting pornographic quilts (don’t ask).  Vote here with a simple “stay” or “go.” 

Analysis, Weakly 

Tennessee at Baltimore – The league’s best running back (Jamal Lewis) goes against the league’s best run defense (the Titans).  Look for Ravens wide receivers and Titans defensive backs to suffer a rash of wrist injuries from having to stand around all day with their thumbs up their backsides. 

Dallas at Carolina – Welcome to the “Completely Meaningless Exercise in Futility” game of the week.  The loser goes home, the winner has to go through another week of grueling practices before getting hammered by either the Rams or the Eagles.  

Seattle at Green Bay – Mike Holmgren returns to Green Bay in January, where he will immediately exclaim, “Good Lord, did I used to work here?  I think my nipples just froze and fell off.”   

Denver at Indianapolis – Be honest.  Life would be much more interesting if the Colts lost this one, triggering another alcohol-induced tirade by kicker Mike Vanderjagt.  Or perhaps this year he could drop some acid and say some really goofy things about Peyton Manning, Tony Dungy and talking elephants.

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust and tell him to stay that is OK with us -- otherwise we'll have to find someone else to shovel shit on every week.

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com. -- but strangely, they are very similar to a Santa mall guy we saw who was licking his own boots. 

Week 17: IT'S THE HOLIDAYS --

 HAVE ANOTHER COOKIE FAT ASS

High Five 

Things to do now that the season is over and your team is not in The Playoffs: 

1.      Re-introduce yourself to your children, attempt to convince them that Sponge Bob is not their father.

2.      Re-introduce yourself to your wife, attempt to convince her that neighbor Bob is not her husband.

3.      Gather up all the pieces of your wasted youth that fell beneath the sofa cushions while you were watching games on TV.

4.      Read a book, or at least buy one and leave it out on the coffee table to impress visitors.  (Note:  The Collected Letters to Penthouse will only impress really horny visitors.)

5.      Put down the chips and dip, have a salad. 

Analysis, Weakly 

Buffalo at New England – The Bills have failed to score a touchdown on four separate occasions this season.  Try to keep some perspective, though.  I’ve failed to score on four separate occasions this week alone.   

Seattle at San Francisco – If it had been written by the Seahawks, Jack Kerouac’s novel On the Road would have been about 53 guys who travel across America, getting their asses kicked in every city along the way.   

Philadelphia at Washington – A Steve Spurrier-coached team will once again finish the season in the top ten.  Alright, so it’s the draft order for next year, but, hey, you take what you can get. 

Chicago at Kansas City – In Rex Grossman, the Bears seem to have found their quarterback for next year.  In giving up 45 points two of the last three weeks, the Chiefs seem to have found their defense from last year.            

Cleveland at Cincinnati – Butch Davis, 20-27 in three seasons, has vowed to fix whatever is wrong with the 4-11 Browns in the offseason.  Evidently, Butch has yet to consider the possibility that he is what’s wrong with the 4-11 Browns. 

Dallas at New Orleans – The Saints score on perhaps the play of the year, then fail to send the game against the Jaguars to overtime when they miss the extra point.  Well, that about sums up 35 years of Saints football, doesn’t it?     

Indianapolis at Houston – The Texans won four games last year and should finish with five victories this year.  At their current rate of progress, they will go undefeated in 2014. 

Jacksonville at Atlanta – The Jags are 0-7 on the road, but the Falcons are only 1-6 at home.  This game could set professional football back 100 years.     

N.Y. Jets at Miami – It’s likely that Ricky Williams will have offseason surgery to clean up his injured shoulder.  It’s also likely that the Dolphins will have offseason surgery to have a large Wannstedt removed from their neck. 

St. Louis at Detroit – In the NFC, the road to the Super Bowl goes through St. Louis.  And, as usual, the road to a really high draft pick goes through Detroit.       

Tampa Bay at Tennessee – The Bucs’ reign as Super Bowl champions is officially over.  We’re awaiting word on Warren Sapp’s mouth being officially shut, at least for a few months. 

Carolina at N.Y. Giants – With neither team having anything to play for in this game, I can’t really come up with a compelling reason to watch it.   I guess it’s always possible that someone will spontaneously combust, but it’s not likely. 

Minnesota at Arizona – You just know that some poor kid in Arizona is going to reach into his stocking on Christmas morning and pull out a couple of tickets to this game.  His parents should be arrested for child abuse. 

Denver at Green Bay – How the Broncos can keep plugging in running backs and have them rush for over 100 yards is one of life’s great mysteries, right up there with why fat people feel the need to wear bikinis to the beach.   

Oakland at San Diego – If it’s at all possible for both teams to lose the coin toss, it’ll happen in this game. 

Pittsburgh at Baltimore – The Ravens’ Jamal Lewis needs 154 yards to break the single-season rushing record.  The Steelers’ Jerome Bettis needs 14 yards to pass Jim Brown for sixth place on the NFL’s all-time rushing list.  Strangely, my money’s on Lewis.

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust and wish him Merry Christmas it is OK to do so -- but then again -- if you want to email him and ask why he wears a stocking cap on his nuts you can do that too.

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com. -- but strangely, they are very similar to some homeless guy who we give a quarter to every day. 

Week 16 of the NFL Season:

Celebrations And Football-

Is Florio Finally Leaving?

High Five

Endzone Celebrations I’d Like to See 

1.     Player scores touchdown, jumps into stands, and is beaten to death by white, middle-class suburban fans who mistakenly believe he has come to rob them.

2.     Player scores touchdown, pulls out cell phone and calls attorney to see if jury has rendered a verdict in his drug possession/assault and battery trial.

3.     Player scores touchdown, re-enacts Ned Beatty “squeal like a pig” scene from Deliverance with unsuspecting member of opposing team.

4.     Player scores touchdown, grabs sideline microphone and launches into a spontaneous rap song; player has aneurysm while attempting to find a phrase that rhymes with “overpaid, self-aggrandizing college drop-out.”

5.      Player scores touchdown, holds up sign that reads: “Will work for food, with a $13 million signing bonus spread out over five years and certain performance incentives.” 

Analysis, Weakly 

Atlanta at Tampa Bay – Michael Vick evidently decided to take a detour through Kordell Stewart City on his way to the Hall of Fame.  The Bucs defense will probably keep him in town a little while longer.  

Kansas City at Minnesota – With the league’s top two offenses hooking up, the scoreboard operator is going to be busier than a one-legged call girl at an amputee fetishists convention. 

New England at N.Y. Jets – Pats QB Tom Brady is an impressive 13-1 in games decided by seven points or less.  Clearly, the Jets best strategy here is to fall behind by two touchdowns early.  Oh, wait, never mind. 

Baltimore at Cleveland – Hey, when a team named after an Edgar Allan Poe poem goes against a team named after a color, you can just throw the record books out the window. 

Cincinnati at St. Louis – The Bengals began selling playoff tickets this week, which means that I have officially seen everything.  Well, except for two topless, mustachioed women throwing guacamole dip at one another while their gnarled feet are massaged by hairless monkeys, but in all honesty, I’m not so sure I really wanted to see that in the first place. 

Detroit at Carolina – Lions QB Joey Harrington leads the league in interceptions with 21 while having been sacked only 8 times in 14 games.  Hey, the guy may be ridiculously inaccurate, but at least he gets rid of the ball quickly. 

Miami at Buffalo – Last year the Bills had a good offense and a bad defense, and this year they have a good defense and a bad offense.  Next year, look for both the offense and the defense to suck, with the team setting new standards for punting.  Evidently, they can only do one thing well at a time.   

New Orleans at Jacksonville – What does it say about the NFL that mediocre teams like the 7-7 Saints are still uttering the word “playoffs” in week 16?  It’s sad, really, like the little kid who hopes that Santa brings him some normal parents to replace the alcoholic and/or incarcerated ones he has now.  Trust me on this one; I am that kid. 

N.Y. Giants at Dallas – Giants LB Mike Barrow compared the team’s 45-7 loss to the Saints to the experience of being raped.  Well, if you’re going to suck that bad at football, you might as well go ahead and suck at analogies, too.  

Tennessee at Houston – Okay, so the Titans must either trot out an injured Steve McNair, possibly risking his availability for the playoffs, or play undrafted free agent rookie QB Jason Gesser against the Texans.  That’s not a matter of picking your poison; that’s being asked in which side of the head you would prefer to be shot. 

Washington at Chicago – Responding to critics who claimed that Washington “mailed it in” in a 27-0 loss to the Cowboys last week, Redskins officials were quick to point out that the team, which plays its home games at FedEx Field, actually sent the rest of the season Priority Overnight. 

San Diego at Pittsburgh – Steelers coach Bill Cowher referred to the team’s 6-0 loss to the Jets in the snow and rain as “…a classic game, a game for the purists.”  I agree wholeheartedly, if by “purists” Cowher means “those who enjoy watching bad teams play bad football in bad weather.”  

Arizona at Seattle – The Seahawks are 7-0 at home, 1-6 on the road.  What does it say about this team when its players prefer to be surrounded by rain and suicides?  I’m not sure, but it can’t be good. 

San Francisco at Philadelphia – Okay, so Dennis Erickson enters the season with a career NFL record of 31-33, and here the 49ers sit at 6-8.  The phrase “You get what you pay for” comes to mind. 

Denver at Indianapolis – The Broncos will try to corral the Colts, who are riding high in the saddle atop the AFC South and stampeding toward the playoffs.  Nothing says “playoff football” quite like equestrian puns.

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust it is OK to do so -- but then again -- if you want to go around and wear nothing but a jock strap and put walnuts up your ass that is OK too.

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com. -- but strangely, they are very similar to that of Idi Amin.