THE TACKLING DUMMY

by columnist Lloyd Faust

Week 15 of the NFL Season:

Steroids, Beer and Puds -- When Did Playmakers Starting Running Again?

High Fives

Signs That Your Team Has Given Up on the Season 

1.      Everyone on the active roster has stopped taking steroids.

2.      Management has formally requested that players set their cell phones to “vibrate” while in the huddle.

3.      In its last game, the team’s leading tackler was the punter.

4.      The team begins awarding game balls to any player who can make it through an entire offensive or defensive series without throwing his hands in the air and shouting, “Aw, screw this.”

5.      The team’s pre-game warm-up routine has been modified to include hookers, beer, and an all-you-can-eat surf ‘n turf buffet. 

Analysis, Weakly 

Atlanta at Indianapolis – After watching the Falcons play Sunday night, I’m convinced that they run only two offensive plays when Michael Vick is in the game: run around like an imbecile, and run around like an imbecile and then throw the ball up for grabs.  That’s fun when you’re twelve; it’s just goofy once you’re all growed up.  

Buffalo at Tennessee – At what point does Titans QB Steve McNair go from the “guy who valiantly plays through pain” to the “guy who valiantly plays through pain because he can’t seem to go two weeks in a row without getting hurt”?  Seriously, I’ve known stuntmen who get injured less frequently.  

Detroit at Kansas City – Somebody get the Chiefs some Pepto Bismol, because they can’t stop the runs.  Thank you.  I’ll be here all week.   

Houston at Tampa Bay – Warren Sapp had more receptions (1) against the Saints last weekend than tackles (0).  I guess the thought here is that if you can no longer do one thing well, do two things half-assed. 

Jacksonville at New England – Why does the NFL keep sending teams from Florida to New England in December?  That’s not a home field advantage.  That’s a “my opponent has just frozen to death” advantage.  

Minnesota at Chicago – After his performance last weekend (17-40, 1 TD, 3 INT), Bears QB Kordell Stewart confirmed his status as the “Human Boomerang.”  Throw him up in the air, and he will most certainly come crashing back down to the ground. 

Pittsburgh at N.Y. Jets – If you mix up the letters in “New York Jets,” you can spell “jerks new toy,” which is exactly what my two-year-old son did when he discovered he had a penis.  Since this game is completely meaningless, I’ll just leave it at that. 

Seattle at St. Louis – Seattle has trouble playing on the road, which reminds me of a kid I grew up with who got hit by a car on seven different occasions while riding his bike in the street in front of his house.  He survived; the Seahawks might not.  

San Francisco at Cincinnati – In their last four games, the 49ers have scored 30, 10, 6 and 50 points.  I’ve coughed up things with more consistency than that. 

Baltimore at Oakland – The Raiders are so bad that they have managed to get themselves mathematically eliminated from next year’s playoff as well.   

Cleveland at Denver – The Browns are in last place in the AFC North, which is the football equivalent of being the dumbest person at the Third Grade Drop-Outs Convention.   

Carolina at Arizona – Speaking of his team’s 50-14 loss to the 49ers, Cardinals coach Dave McGinnis said, “When you don’t cover people, it’s going to look extremely ugly.”  I felt the same way when attending a meeting of my grandmother’s nude sunbathing and shuffleboard club.  

Dallas at Washington – Nobody listened when I said that the Cowboys’ 5-1 start was a mirage.  Then again, I once claimed that God was speaking to me through a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so perhaps my credibility is a little shy of “rock solid.”  

Green Bay at San Diego – Packers QB Brett Favre completed passes to nine different receivers last week against the Bears.  The 3-10 Chargers are just happy when nine guys can figure out how to put their uniforms on properly without assistance from team trainers or a printed, 14-step flowchart.    

N.Y. Giants at New Orleans – Watching the Saints repeatedly lose December games with playoff implications is like watching a blind guy repeatedly bang his head on low-hanging light fixtures.  It’s somewhere between really, really sad and really, really funny.  

Philadelphia at Miami – If the Dolphins keep going into the tank every December, they really should change the team’s mascot to something much, much less ironic.

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust it is OK to do so -- but then again -- if you want to go around and say "Mike Florio is my best friend" it is OK to do that too -- especially if you want your ass kicked.

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com. -- but strangely, they are very similar to that of Boy George. 

Week 14 of the NFL Season:

Your Coach Is Being Fired -- And Your Team Still Blows

High Five 

Signs That Your Team’s Head Coach Is About To Be Fired 

1.     In lieu of nervously pacing the sidelines wearing a headset, your coach has decided to watch the game sitting in a lawn chair, listening to a portable CD player.

2.     Your team’s owner refuses to offer a public statement of support for his coach, but insists that it “would be a shame if he were killed in some kind of freak accident that could not be traced back to anyone, especially me.”

3.     Players have begun to refer to their head coach as “Coach what’s his name” in interviews with the media.

4.     The name of your favorite team rhymes with Mittsburgh Wheelers or Croakland Taters.

5.     Oklahoma’s Bob Stoops and LSU’s Nick Saban are both in town, but your city is not hosting the BCS Championship Game. 

Analysis, Weakly 

Chicago at Green Bay – With upcoming games against the Packers and Vikings, the Bears could conceivably find themselves tied for first place in the NFC North in two weeks.  Veterinarians everywhere are stocking up on antiseptics and gauze in anticipation of “Man bites dog” events throughout the country.  

Cincinnati at Baltimore – I don’t mean to harp on this, but I hope you realize that if the Bengals make the playoffs, all manner of demons will be unloosed from the bowels of Hell.  And they won’t be happy.  Consider yourself warned. 

Dallas at Philadelphia – After a 25-16 victory over the Panthers last Sunday, the Eagles have established themselves as the team to beat in the NFC.  After giving up an average of 30 points per game in their last two contests, the Cowboys have established themselves as a really easy team to score on.  

Houston at Jacksonville – “They’re playing hard” is the best thing you can say about the Texans and Jaguars right now.  Coincidentally, “They’re playing hard” is quite possibly the worst thing you can say about members of your bowling team on singles night at the bowling alley. 

Indianapolis at Tennessee – Former Volunteer Peyton Manning returns to Tennessee, where Titans fans will burn him in effigy and pray for his untimely decapitation.  Wow, I guess it’s true that nothing says, “Welcome back” quite as nicely as a death threat. 

Oakland at Pittsburgh – Oakland coach Bill Callahan called his team the “dumbest team in America.”  The comment angered a handful of Raiders players, but the vast majority were simply surprised to learn that Oakland was in America, not Canada. 

San Diego at Detroit – Just in time for flu season – a game that will most likely make you throw up.  

Seattle at Minnesota – Despite losing five of their last six games, the Vikings would be NFC North champions if the season ended today.  In other news, after losing five of their last six games, the Vikings have petitioned the league to end the season today.  

Tampa Bay at New Orleans – With Tampa Bay out of the playoff race, the Meaningless Media Labeling Committee has officially demoted Bucs’ head coach Jon Gruden from “super-intense young coach on the rise” to “guy who looks constipated and could probably use a Valium or two.” 

Washington at N.Y. Giants – Apparently having given up on their seasons, both teams have agreed to simulate this contest on Madden NFL 2004, eliminating the hassle of actually playing the game.   

Arizona at San Francisco – These two teams both lost last weekend, outscored a combined 72-9.  Reminds me of a weekend in the fall of ’91 when I was outscored 13-0 by my then-girlfriend Gretchen, who went on a bender and slept with three friends from college, the members of a five-piece rock band, a four-member mime troupe, and, inexplicably, a guy she met at the scene of a traffic accident.  

Kansas City at Denver – I thought I smelled an upset here, but it turns out I’d inadvertently been washing my face with boiled cabbage for the past week and a half.  

Miami at New England – The Dolphins will leave Miami with temperatures in the upper 70’s and land in Foxboro with temperatures in the mid-30’s, accompanied by snow.  That’s like getting out of a hot tub and dropping your testicles onto an ice tray.  Yikes. 

N.Y. Jets at Buffalo – After doing some informal research, I’ve determined that five people who live outside the state of New York will be watching this game Sunday.  Three are potential candidates for the Bills’ soon-to-be-vacated head coaching position, one is a paraplegic who has lost his remote and cannot change the channel on his television set, and one is my neighbor Carlos, who has an inexplicable interest in uninteresting things.  

Carolina at Atlanta – Not to say that the Panthers are fading down the stretch, but word is the team is considering changing its official colors to light gray and lighter gray. 

St. Louis at Cleveland – In case you’ve forgotten, the Rams played in Cleveland until 1946, when they moved to Los Angeles and were replaced by the original Cleveland Browns, who moved to Baltimore in 1996 and were renamed the Ravens.  All of which is to say that this game has no historical significance whatsoever. 

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust it is OK to do so -- but then again -- if you want look like Michael jackson and say tee-hee all the time you can do that too (children not included).

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com. -- but mysteriously, they remind us of a guy we once knew whose nickname was Congo Nuts. 

Week 13 of the NFL Season:

(We forgot to put  a title up here)

High Five

In the spirit of the season, this week’s “High Five” highlights my most memorable Thanksgivings. 

1.      1977.  After I spill a gravy boat onto the new carpet in the dining room, my parents inform me that I’m adopted and that my real parents are circus side show freaks.  They dock my allowance for 173 weeks to pay the cleaning bill.

2.      1983.  Over dessert, a drunken Uncle Marvin announces that he’s always wanted to be a woman.  Tragedy is averted when his wife, Aunt Claire, announces that she’s always had lesbianic fantasies.  Nine family members throw up simultaneously on the kitchen floor.

3.      1989.  My cousin Perry escapes from the penitentiary in an attempt to make it home for Thanksgiving dinner.  The police chase ends on our front yard, where Perry is recaptured and seven family members are arrested for throwing food at officers.

4.      1993.  After drinking in the French Quarter for thirteen hours straight, I decide to spend Thanksgiving in Tijuana.  I’m detained at the bus station for attempting to hug complete strangers for no apparent reason.

5.      1999.  Throwing the football with my wife’s nephews, I accidentally lead 11-year-old Wally too much on a post route and run him into an oak tree.  Panicked, I cover the unconscious boy with leaves and tell his mother that he ran away because she was mean to him. 

Analysis, Weakly 

Green Bay at Detroit – Nothing says “Thanksgiving Day” like your mom cooking the turkey until it’s drier than New Mexico in July, your dad drinking too much and lamenting his wasted life, and the Detroit Lions losing another football game.  

Miami at Dallas – It’s official.  Britney Spears will put some clothes on and learn how to sing before Brian Griese takes another snap at QB for the Dolphins. 

Arizona at Chicago – Bears QB Chris Chandler was hurt in last week’s victory over the Broncos.  In other news, the sun still rises in the east, I still can’t eat Thai food, and gravity still sucks.  

Atlanta at Houston – The Falcons, in last place in the NFC South behind the Saints, travel to Houston, home of this year’s Super Bowl, to play the Texans, who are in third place in the AFC South, two games ahead of the Jaguars.  It’s not too often you see the words “Falcons,” “Saints,” “Texans,” “Jaguars,” and “Super Bowl” in the same sentence, so enjoy it. 

Buffalo at N.Y. Giants – With both teams working on impressive losing streaks, it’s a shame someone has to win this one.  

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh – Only in the AFC North could the 4-7 Steelers still have playoff aspirations.  If this division gets any weaker, they’re going to have to change the name to Conference USA. 

Minnesota at St. Louis – How little confidence does Rams coach Mike Martz have in QB Kurt Warner?  Leaving Marc Bulger at the helm of the offense (11 turnovers in the last three games) is like saying, “No thanks, I’ll just catch a ride home with that guy who drank seventeen shots of Tequila.  Yeah, the guy over there urinating on himself.”  Brutal. 

New England at Indianapolis – The outcome of this game could go a long way in determining home field advantage in the AFC playoffs.  If you bet heavily on the game, the outcome could go a long way in determining whether or not your kids go to college.  Consider yourself warned. 

Philadelphia at Carolina – Can the Eagles overtake Dallas for the NFC East lead?  Are the Panthers legitimate Super Bowl contenders?  Why do I have this recurring dream where I’m standing naked in line at the Post Office while sexy female postal workers in mini-skirts cover my body with paper cuts?  At least two of these questions should be answered this weekend. 

San Francisco at Baltimore – Who would’ve thought that a Dennis Erickson-coached team would be 5-6 and fighting terrible inconsistency?  Anyone who watched the Seattle Seahawks from 1995-1998, that’s who.  Geez. 

New Orleans at Washington – After tying Reggie White’s career sacks record Sunday night against the Dolphins, Redskins DE Bruce Smith complained that he wanted to play more against Miami rookie tackle Wade Smith. "I'm not going to say I, I, I or me, me, me," Smith said. "But I will say that I need to be out there more.”  Seriously, man.  Do you even hear yourself when you speak?  

Cleveland at Seattle – The league has completely sanitized the blown officals’ call in last week’s Seattle loss to the Ravens, calling it an “administrative error.”  Sorry, but no.  Counting me as an 83-year-old Asian woman in the next census is an administrative error.  Altering the outcome of a football game is a great, glorious f*** up. 

Denver at Oakland – The Broncos’ playoff hopes suffered a crushing blow when Denver lost to the Bears last weekend.  The Raiders, on the other hand, never really had any playoff hopes to begin with.  I ask you now – isn’t it better to just go ahead and suck right from the get-go and avoid the misery?   

Kansas City at San Diego – After losing 16 of his last 20 games, how does Marty Schottenheimer still have a job?  I once knew a guy who got fired just for forgetting to put one of the new cover sheets on his TPS reports. 

Tampa Bay at Jacksonville – Just for the record, when people say, “Tampa Bay is a team that no one wants to see in the playoffs,” it’s not because we’re afraid of them; it’s because we don’t like them. 

Tennessee at N.Y. Jets – A Titans team with an injured QB Steve McNair versus the 4-7 Jets.  I’d rather watch a three-hour America’s Funniest Home Videos compilation reel of people accidentally stepping in dog poop.

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust it is OK to do so -- but then again -- if you want be like a dog and eat your recycled intestinal byproduct you can do that too (say hello "poop breath").

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com. -- but mysteriously, they remind us of a guy we once knew who said "Blow Me" all the time. 

Week 12 of the NFL Season: 

 Drunks, Nail Guns, and Porn Stars (if Michael Jackson had kept things like this at Neverland, he wouldn't be shouting 'hee-hee' ever time he bendsover at San Quentin)

High Five

1.      Last week, 11 starting quarterbacks had passer ratings of 57 or below, with five of them being rated below 40.  Rumor has it that Joe Montana actually dug his own grave, buried himself in it, and began spinning.

2.      The head of the World Anti-Doping Agency accused the White House of showing no interest in fighting to keep drugs out of sports.  The White House labeled the criticism unfair, quickly pointing out that they also show no interest in keeping drugs out of schools, poor neighborhoods, or rock bands.

3.      In a related matter, the head of the World Anti-Doping Agency is named Dick Pound.  Coincidentally, Mr. Pound is also the president of the “Guys with Porn Star Names” club.

4.      At a press conference, coach Bill Cowher insisted that his 3-7 Steelers are still in playoff contention.  Cowher did have to cut the meeting short, however, as he was late for a jam session with Elvis, Jim Morrison and Tupac.

5.      Will the Bucs miss Keyshawn Johnson?  Gee, I don’t know.  If you accidentally shot a nail gun through your hand, would you miss the nail after the doctor took it out?

Analysis, Weakly

Carolina at Dallas – Tampa Bay 16, Dallas 0.  New England 12, Dallas 0.  Man, the Cowboys fail more tests than Ohio State’s Maurice Clarett.  (For those who don’t know, Clarett was reported to be failing two classes, one of them physical education.  C’mon, try to keep up.)

Detroit at Minnesota – Vikings rookie defensive tackle Kevin Williams was arrested for drunk driving last week.  Despite the legal troubles, coach Mike Tice said that Williams was “a pleasure to be around.”  Unless, of course, you’re an unsuspecting motorist whose life Williams is placing in danger.

Indianapolis at Buffalo – Every morning Bills coach Gregg Williams shows up for work at the team’s practice facility, and every morning a member of the janitorial staff says, “Seriously, man, you still work here?”

Jacksonville at N.Y. Jets – To prevent anyone from getting hurt in a completely meaningless game, officials have been instructed to blow plays dead immediately after the ball is snapped.  Quarters will also be shortened to three minutes each, with the clock only being stopped if someone requires an ambulance.

New England at Houston – The Texans already have as many victories this year (4) as they had all of last year.  And when I slam my penis in a car door, it swells to three times its normal size.  You see, any piece of virtually meaningless information can be presented as an achievement.

New Orleans at Philadelphia – After his second interception of the first half against the Falcons last week, sideline cameras showed Saints QB Aaron Brooks laughing with a teammate.  Rumor also has it that Brooks once showed up for a relative’s funeral with a karaoke machine and frequently spits milk through his nose when witnessing car accidents.

Pittsburgh at Cleveland – Browns coach Butch Davis referred to Sunday’s 44-6 victory over the 3-7 Cardinals as “a defining moment of the season.”  Wow.  That’s right up there with referring to the time you accidentally blew up the fireworks factory as a “turning point in my career.”  C’mon, Butch.  If beating up the Cardinals is the high point of your season, well, that’s just sad.

Seattle at Baltimore – The Ravens are second in the league in rushing yards per game, and last in the league in passing yards per game.  In a related matter, the Seahawks plan to start 11 defensive tackles on Sunday. 

San Francisco at Green Bay – Speaking of QB Brett Favre’s re-injured thumb, Packers coach Mike Sherman said, “You bang it like he banged it, it’s got to hurt.”  Oddly, I uttered that same phrase last night while watching a porn video.

Chicago at Denver – Is it time for Rex Grossman to get some time under center in Chicago?  Hell, Rex Reed would be an improvement at this point.  Maybe even Tyrannosaurus Rex. 

St. Louis at Arizona – The Rams are 7-3, but the phrase “come from behind victory over the Bears” sounds about as good as “14-day old bologna that’s been riding around in the glove compartment of my pickup truck.”

Cincinnati at San Diego – Doug Flutie’s week 10 quarterback rating was 121.  Last week it was 41.3.  I haven’t seen anything fall that fast since my 370-pound uncle Sherman went skydiving.

Oakland at Kansas City – The consensus seems to be that the Chiefs’ loss to the Bengals last week will actually make them a better team.  On the other side, the Raiders might want to switch from steroids to painkillers, because this one’s gonna hurt.  

Tennessee at Atlanta – In the loss to New Orleans last Sunday, Falcons QB Kurt Kittner had a passer rating of 8.7.  Don’t they give you like 10 points just for figuring out that you should wear a jock strap and not women’s underwear?  

Washington at Miami – Redskins quarterback Patrick Ramsey has played all year with a broken foot.  The Dolphins have played the entire Dave Wannstedt era without a heart.  Ramsey needs to see a doctor; the Dolphins need to go see the Wizard. 

N.Y. Giants at Tampa Bay – Wow.  Two teams that have no shot at the playoffs on national TV in prime time.  This could face a serious ratings challenge from the Home Improvement Network, which will be airing a special on advanced techniques for watching paint dry.

 If you want to email  Lloyd Faust it is OK to do so -- but then again -- if you want to email SpongeBob SquarePants you can do that too (we'd take SpongeBob).

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com. -- but strangely, they are very similar to the guy who can blow smoke rings out of his butt. 

We Can't Find Week 11

(what the fu--...)

Week 10 of the NFL Season:

Deion, The Football Network and Lubrication -- Clown Suit Boy Meets Any Given Sunday

High Five 

1.     So, Deion Sanders wants to coach the Falcons.  Should a defense that bad be coached by a guy who never even attempted to tackle anyone?

2.     The NFL launched its own network this week, which will ironically not air any actual football games.  This has caused quite a shakeup in the industry, with the History Channel now airing nothing but fishing shows, the Discovery Channel moving to an all-Alfred Hitchcock movie format, and the Disney Channel switching to 24-hour-a-day porn.

3.     The Atlanta Falcons are taking heat because rap artists may have used profanity during a halftime show at the Georgia Dome last week.  No one, however, seems to mind that they were singing a song about shooting someone in the head, which is evidently part of the team’s self-proclaimed “family atmosphere” at games.  What the hell kind of family is that, exactly?

4.     Cornerback Charles Woodson says that coach Bill Callahan has “lost” the Raiders.  Safety Rod Woodson says that, “…you can’t lose 53 guys.  We’re not playing hide-and-seek here.”  Callahan says that the Detroit Lions are “a hell of a club.”  These guys are a lot more fun as losers than they ever were as winners.

5.      The Redskins’ Bruce Smith did not start against the Cowboys last Sunday, a move that Smith saw as a detriment to his catching Reggie White as the NFL’s all-time sack leader. “At some point and time in your career, you have to take a stand and be a little selfish," Smith said, noting that by saying “a little selfish” he really meant “a lot selfish.” 

Analysis, Weakly 

Arizona at Pittsburgh – When the Cardinals come to town in Week 10 sporting a better record than your team, it’s time to pack up your equipment, clean out your locker, and go take a ballroom dancing class or something.  The football thing obviously isn’t working out. 

Atlanta at N.Y. Giants – Falcons coach Dan Reeves used to coach the Giants.  He used to coach the Falcons, too.  Thank you, good night.  You’ve been a lovely audience. 

Chicago at Detroit – Making people sit through the Bears versus the Lions twice in three weeks is worse than making them sit through a wet T-shirt contest at the Shady Acres Retirement Village for Civil War Veterans. 

Cleveland at Kansas City – The Browns have suspended running back William Green for one game following his arrest for DUI and marijuana possession.  Asked how Green was responding to the suspension, Browns coach Butch Davis said, “He seemed to take it well.  But then again, he might’ve been high.”  

Houston at Cincinnati – The Bengals and Texans have identical overall records (3-5), home records (2-2), road records (1-3), and conference records (2-4).  Just go ahead and flip a coin.  No one cares anyway. 

Indianapolis at Jacksonville – Evidently bored with throwing interceptions, Jaguars QB Byron Leftwich fumbled twice in the fourth quarter of last Sunday’s loss to the Ravens.  This weekend, look for Leftwich to hand gift-wrapped footballs directly to Colts defensive linemen as early Christmas presents. 

Miami at Tennessee – Everybody’s making a big deal about the fact that Ricky Williams hasn’t rushed for over 100 yards in the last five weeks.  So what?  My mother hasn’t told me she loves me in over five years.  Let’s keep some perspective here. 

Seattle at Washington – I saw Washington lose to Dallas last Sunday.  Not only did Redskins’ linemen almost get QB Patrick Ramsey killed, but they didn’t even bother to help him up after he got hit.  That type of behavior gets you raped in prison.  Repeatedly.  Without lubrication. 

Tampa Bay at Carolina – The last time these two got together, there was one touchdown scored, five field goals, two missed field goals, one missed extra point, three interceptions, two fumbles, 14 punts and 33 penalties.  This should be uglier than a middle-aged crack whore who’s been dragged across the Midwest behind a pickup truck and then thrown into the middle of a bar fight. 

Minnesota at San Diego – All that’s left for Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer is to try to build suspense by creating a quarterback controversy between Doug Flutie and Drew Brees.  That sound you hear is Minnesota’s defense laughing.  

Buffalo at Dallas – Having lost two of their last three by a combined score of 68-8, the Bills might be the worst 4-4 team in the history of organized football.  I haven’t seen anyone get beaten that badly since my best friend Walter referred to his father as a “drunken imbecile with a lazy eye and a Napoleon complex” when we were eleven years old. 

N.Y. Jets at Oakland – In November 1968, NBC cut away from a Jets-Raiders game with 1:05 left and New York leading 32-29 to show the movie Heidi.  The irony here is that a bunch of Swiss orphan girls could probably beat either of these teams right now. 

Baltimore at St. Louis – After inexplicably abandoning his running game (8 rushes for 9 yards) in a 20-point loss to the 49ers last week, Rams coach Mike Martz criticized officials for supposedly blowing a number of calls during the game.  Good to see that the Martz-ter hasn’t loosened his stranglehold on reality.  

Philadelphia at Green Bay – I can’t figure out how the Eagles are 5-3 with a quarterback who had to throw for over 300 yards against the Falcons to move from the worst quarterback in the league to the third-worst quarterback in the league.  I also can’t figure out what the hell is going on in The Matrix trilogy, so maybe I’m just retarded. 

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust it is OK to do so -- it would probably be ok to hack your arm off with a machete too -- we'll go with the machete.

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com. -- but they seem somewhat similar to our janitor guy Mike Florio. 

Week 9 of the NFL Season:

Lunch Meat, Fire and Hulk Hogan -

Is Darrell Russell Making Another Video or Something? 

High Five

1.      Seven Raiders have reportedly been subpoenaed to testify in a federal steroid investigation.  At 2-5, the Raiders might be the best argument against steroids since Hulk Hogan’s hairline.

2.      NFL Europe has decided this week to fold the Barcelona Dragons franchise.  The news came as a shock to American football fans, who thought that Barcelona was a type of luncheon meat.

3.      Members of the ’72 Dolphins are beginning to get more than a little worried that the Chiefs will equal their feat of going undefeated through the regular season.  They’re also very concerned that their adult diapers will leak when they do jumping jacks and that their dentures will come out while they’re chewing gum.

4.      Warren Sapp last week referred to NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue as a “slave master.”   Sapp then contacted the Guinness Book of World Records, hoping to be declared “the richest slave who ever lived.”

5.      Blaming the Chargers’ Monday night loss to the Dolphins on the fact that the game had to be moved to Tempe because of the wildfires burning in California is like blaming your DUI arrest on the guy who invented the Breathalyzer machine. 

Analysis, Weakly 

Carolina at Houston – Panthers QB Jake Delhomme’s job is to stay out of the way and try not to do anything stupid.  That’s the same instructions they give you on your first day of working the fry machine at McDonald’s, isn’t it? 

Indianapolis at Miami – Given that Miami is 1-2 at home while Indy is undefeated on the road, the Dolphins might want to light Florida on fire and move this game to Tempe, too. 

Jacksonville at Baltimore – Byron Leftwich’s completion percentage is 58.5.  It’s 78.5 if you count his 723 interceptions as completions.  

New Orleans at Tampa Bay – The Bucs hope that they’ve returned to the form that made them Super Bowl champions last year.  The Saints have no such concerns, as they have played generally crappy football for the last 35 years. 

N.Y. Giants at N.Y. Jets – Everyone in New York thinks that the city will be the center of the football world this weekend.  Everyone outside New York thinks New Yorkers are way too full of themselves.           

Oakland at Detroit – The Lions’ 30^th-ranked offense goes against the Raiders’ 29^th-ranked defense.  The phrase “comedy of errors” comes to mind. 

San Diego at Chicago – Not satisfied with being the worst offense in the NFL, the Bears have reportedly set their sights on the title of “Worst Offense in the History of the Universe” and will begin punting on first downs.          

Cincinnati at Arizona – The Bengals visit the Cardinals, with both teams coming off a victory last week.  If you repeat that sentence three times out loud, you can summon forth all manner of evil spirits just in time for Halloween.  Hell, my keyboard caught fire just typing it. 

Pittsburgh at Seattle – At 2-5, the Steelers are sinking faster than Jerome Bettis at the deep end of a swimming pool.    

Philadelphia at Atlanta – During the team’s bye week, the Falcons’ practice facility was robbed by a 98-pound heroin addict with emphysema and a severe limp.  The burglar fled across the team’s practice field, where no Falcons defenders were able to catch him. 

St. Louis at San Francisco – The 49ers were going to throw kicker Owen Pochman from the team’s plane on the way back from the loss at Arizona, but they were afraid he wouldn’t be able to hit the ground. 

Washington at Dallas – Danny Wuerffel would rather not play football than play for the Redskins.  That type of rejection is right up there with “My wife has decided that she now prefers to sleep with women” and “The company has hired a robot to do my job.” 

Green Bay at Minnesota – Vikings owner Red McCombs reportedly said that his team “humiliated” the franchise by suffering their first loss of the season to the Giants last Sunday.  McCombs also said he was “damned tired of waiting” for the Vikes to cure cancer and “pretty pissed off” that the team has yet to locate Osama bin Laden.   

New England at Denver – The 6-2 Patriots score 19 points a game while giving up 16 points a game.  Successful football?  Sure.  Boring as all hell football?  You betcha.

Week 8 of the NFL Season:

Captain Kirk, Jerome Bettis and Beer Guzzling Fans: Who Says People With Fat Asses Can't Be On TV?

High Five 

1.      Even with John Allen Muhammad being allowed to represent himself, league sources remain convinced that the accused D.C. sniper will still manage to put up a better defense than the Atlanta Falcons.

2.      In an effort to jump start their running game, the Steelers will start “The Bus,” Jerome Bettis, this Sunday against the Rams.  Coincidentally, “bus” spelled backwards is “sub,” which is what the hefty Bettis was eating when he heard the news.

3.      The Monday Night Football intro clip has gotten completely out of hand.  William Shatner as Captain Kirk, Hank Williams, Jr., and Steven Tyler and Joe Perry from Aerosmith.  Am I ready for some football?  Well I was, until you made me sit through this crap.

4.      Through seven weeks of the season, a whopping 20 of the NFL’s 32 teams are at .500 or below, including the entire AFC North division.  Asked if this indicates a general decline in the quality of the league, an NFL spokesman replied, “Yeah, probably.  But that’s why they sell beer at stadiums.”

5.      Lions QB Joey Harrington has vowed to fight for his starting job in Detroit.  Unfortunately, of all punches thrown by Harrington, 50% will miss their target and a large number will be intercepted by innocent bystanders. 

Analysis, Weakly 

Carolina at New Orleans – The Panthers came crashing to the ground after last week’s 37-17 loss to the Titans.  The Saints, on the other hand, came crashing to the ground in 1967. 

Cleveland at New England – So, there’s another quarterback controversy in Cleveland.  Given that the Browns have already coughed up two 200-yard individual rushing performances this year, perhaps a defensive lineman controversy might be in order.   

Dallas at Tampa Bay – Enough already.  The Cowboys’ five victories have come against teams that are a collective 9-21.  That’s the football equivalent of beating up the kid wearing orthodontic head gear and corrective shoes, then declaring yourself “King of the Playground.”  Eventually, the real King is going to come around and kick the crap out of you. 

Denver at Baltimore – With Broncos QBs Jake Plummer and Steve Beuerlein both injured, the Ravens will have a clear advantage at quarterback in this one.  Please consult the season stats of Ravens QB Kyle Boller and see for yourself how ridiculous that comment is.  

Detroit at Chicago – How can the Lions and Bears be ranked #30 and #31 in total offense and still be so offensive?  This game is perfect for those who like to watch freakishly ugly people have sex.  C’mon, you know you’re out there.  

N.Y. Giants at Minnesota – Through seven weeks, the Vikings’ Randy Moss leads the NFL in receiving yards with 666, confirming that he was in fact sent here by the Devil and spends his offseasons on the sunny beaches of Hell.  Seriously, only Beelzebub himself could have pulled off a no-look lateral like that. 

Seattle at Cincinnati – A Cincinnati victory combined with a Ravens loss would put the Bengals in first place in the AFC North.  It would also trigger the simultaneous eruption of all the world’s volcanoes and bring about what religious types refer to as “the end of days.” 

St. Louis at Pittsburgh – Speaking of his team’s 2-4 start, Steelers’ receiver Hines Ward said, “There’s really a sense of urgency now.”  What did they play the first six games with, a sense of humor?

Tennessee at Jacksonville – Given the obvious success of Steve McNair’s offseason program, look for more quarterbacks to be arrested for drunk driving and carrying a gun this winter. 

San Francisco at Arizona – The Cardinals have scored 82 points this season, a mere 18 points more than Broncos placekicker Jason Elam (64) and Colts “idiot kicker” Mike Vanderjagt (64).  The statistics that demonstrate the Cardinals’ suckiness are virtually endless.  

Houston at Indianapolis – Texans’ RB Domanick Davis became the franchise’s first 100-yard rusher in last week’s loss to the Jets.  After the game, Davis said that he hoped to gain 100 yards again this week in another Texans’ loss.   

N.Y. Jets at Philadelphia – It is rumored that Rush Limbaugh will replace Donovan McNabb as Chunky soup’s official celebrity spokesperson.  Apparently, the company would prefer an admitted drug addict to a quarterback who plays like one. 

Buffalo at Kansas City – Bills return specialist Antonio Brown is last in the league in punt returns with an average of 2.2 yards per return.  Given that Brown is approximately six feet tall, he is apparently fielding every punt and then falling straight forward to the ground.  (Note: The previous statement is only funny if you know that there are three feet in every yard. If you didn’t know that, well, that’s just sad.) 

Miami at San Diego – It’s East versus West in a battle to determine football dominance amongst cities with absolutely no climate variations and where the only discernable weather season is “balmy.”  Yipeee.

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Week 7 of the NFL Season:

What's More Painful: Watching the Chargers or Seeing Sapp Without a Man-Bra?

High Five 

1.     Rush Limbaugh announced last week that he is addicted to painkillers.  The ESPN Gameday crew reluctantly released a statement saying, “Yeah, we missed that one, too.”

2.     Word out of Atlanta is that being forced to watch from the sidelines with a broken leg has actually made Michael Vick a better quarterback, allowing him to watch more game tape and become a better student of the game.  Word out of Chicago is that the Bears are looking into having someone rough up Kordell Stewart, with similar reports coming from Pittsburgh, Oakland, Philadelphia, New York, Baltimore and Detroit.

3.     Speaking of Pittsburgh, Joe Santoni, the man who named the Steelers in a contest in 1940, died this week at the age of 82.  His prize for naming one of the most storied franchises in sports history?  Season tickets for one year.  What, was a fruit basket too expensive?

4.      Bucs defensive lineman Warren Sapp called the $50,000 fine levied against him this week for abusing officials “unbelievable.”  Sapp also found it “astonishing” that he is fat and “absurd” that he is a complete jerk.

5.     The family of Raiders co-founder E.W. McGah is suing to have Al Davis removed as the team’s general partner, claiming that Davis has mismanaged team finances.  If the suit is successful, Davis will also be forced to change his personal motto from “Just win, baby” to “Just steal, baby.” 

Analysis, Weakly 

Baltimore at Cincinnati – These two teams are ranked #5 and #6 in total defense.  They’re also ranked #27 and #28 in total offense.  What is the record for total number of punts in a game, anyway? 

Dallas at Detroit – Now that the “Parcells is a Genius” parade is in full swing, I feel obligated to point out that Bill Parcells hasn’t won a Super Bowl title in twelve years.  So can we maybe take it down a notch or two? 

Denver at Minnesota – The Broncos had hoped to get QB Jake Plummer back this week after struggling to win without him last Sunday.  Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.  Go figure. 

Green Bay at St. Louis – The Rams are in the top ten in both offense and defense, the Pack in neither.  Combine that with Brett Favre’s dome-aphobia, and the NFC North race could be over after this weekend.  Then again, Mike Martz could go all screwy and decide to punt on second downs, so you never know. 

New England at Miami – The winner here will establish early-season dominance in the AFC East.  Speaking of dominance, I like to be tied to the refrigerator and forced to sing Bee Gees songs while Mrs. Tackling Dummy, wearing only a welder’s mask and a strapless bra, tosses pieces of stale bread at my privates.  Oops, did I share too much again? 

New Orleans at Atlanta – Thinking that Michael Vick can come back and turn around the 1-5 Falcons by himself is like thinking you can shave your back, jam yourself into a Speedo, and call yourself a male model.  Not gonna happen. 

Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants – You know that look that a wide receiver gets when he’s wide open and his quarterback inexplicably throws the ball ten feet over his head, the look that says, "What, were you dropped on your head repeatedly as a child?”?  Well, with Donovan McNabb (49.1 completion percentage) going up against Kerry Collins (57.3 completion percentage), you should be seeing that look quite often in this one. 

San Diego at Cleveland – Speaking of his team’s frequent drive-killing penalties, Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer said, “…we’ve talked about it until we’re blue in the face…and we’re going to continue to talk about it.  That’s the only thing you can do.”  I guess not committing the penalties in the first place is completely out of the question.  Are they even trying anymore?   

Tennessee at Carolina – The proverbial immovable object (the Carolina defense) versus the irresistible force (Steve McNair and the Titans offense) conundrum.  For those of you who weren’t required to sit through a physics class, let’s just say it should be a good game. 

N.Y. Jets at Houston – The prospect of having to watch this game is enough to make any man turn to his wife and say, “Honey, do you perhaps need anything at the store?  Tampons?  Panty liners?  Hemorrhoid cream?”

Chicago at Seattle – Seriously, I’ve seen high school quarterbacks that are better than Kordell Stewart.  I’ve also seen high school cheerleaders that have the bodies of 25-year-olds, but that’s a completely different, and much more disturbing, matter. 

Tampa Bay at San Francisco – After complaining for weeks that the 49ers should throw him the ball more often, Terrell Owens dropped three passes in Sunday night’s loss to the Seahawks.  Don’t be too hard on T.O., though.  If you recall, he never actually claimed that he would catch the balls thrown to him. 

Washington at Buffalo – Bills owner Ralph Wilson accused his team of “sleepwalking” through last Sunday’s 30-3 loss to the Jets, prompting an angry response from the Sleepwalkers Association of America, who claimed that, “…even a sleepwalker can manage to stumble into the end zone occasionally.” 

Kansas City at Oakland – The Raiders’ Shane Lechler leads the league in punting, and Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil cries like a soap opera actress.  That means that at some point during Monday night’s game, Vermeil will probably break down and say something goofy like, “My God, will you look at that punt?  That’s got to be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.  Someone pass me a tissue.” 

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Week 6 of the NFL Season:

You Got Stupidity, Bacteria Viruses, Drunks and Druggies -- Is this the NFL or a Rehab Clinic? 

High Five 

1.    Okay, let me get this straight.  The ESPN crew’s excuse for not saying anything to Rush Limbaugh at the time of his comments was, “We missed it”?  Who says athletes are dumb?

2.    In case you missed it, the Dolphins have had a handful a players come down with staph infections that were supposedly transmitted through the team’s hot tub.  There’s growing suspicion that team management is picking up extra cash by renting the hot tub for crack whore birthday parties.

3.     The Saints’ Keyuo Craver was suspended four games by the league for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy.  Give the guy a break.  Would you want to play for the Saints sober?

4.    The Pro Football Hall of Fame announced its candidates for induction this week.  Sadly, Ickey Woods did not make the list.  Inexplicably, Mark Gastineau did.

5.     After slamming his SUV into a light pole and fire hydrant, Jets defensive lineman John Abraham apologized to his family, his teammates, the Jets coaching staff and the entire Jets organization.  Uh, what about the poor bastard who had to get up out of bed and come fix the damned fire hydrant? 

Analysis, Weakly

Carolina at Indianapolis – The Colts scored 21 points in four minutes against the Bucs Monday night.  The Panthers couldn’t manage to score 21 points against the Saints, but lead the league in fewest points allowed.  This one’s got “train wreck” written all over it.  I just don’t know who’ll survive the accident. 

Chicago at New Orleans – Two one-win teams are looking at each other and thinking, “Oh, yeah, now these guys we can take.”  It’s kinda like two one-legged guys challenging each other to an ass-kicking contest.  Sad, really.  

Houston at Tennessee – How come the Titans got to take all of the old Oilers records with them to Tennessee?  Isn’t that like divorcing your wife yet still demanding the right to have sex with her whenever you want?  Wait a minute, I think I just gained a new respect for the Titans.  

Kansas City at Green Bay – I’m no master tactician, by why do people keep kicking the ball to Dante Hall?  The same reason warning labels on hair dryers say, “Do not use in the shower,” I guess.  

Miami at Jacksonville – Word out of Jacksonville is that Byron Leftwich’s victory over San Diego last week has secured his spot in the starting lineup.  That’s all it takes to be starting QB for the Jaguars?  If I’m not mistaken, McDonald’s has tougher employment requirements. 

N.Y. Giants at New England – “…and the Oscar goes to…the New York Giants, for their gripping portrayal of a mediocre football team that pathetically attempts to motivate itself by placing completely manufactured chips on their shoulders.”  Please.  Somebody needs to get these guys away from Broadway, like yesterday.   

Oakland at Cleveland – A couple of 2-3 teams getting together to determine who has the right to say, “Hey, look at us.  We’ve fought our way back to ‘average’.”  I cannot control my excitement.  

Philadelphia at Dallas – Lost in all the hoopla about the Cowboys’ 3-1 start is the fact that their three victories have come against teams (Giants, Jets, Cardinals) that are a combined 3-10.  Virginia Tech called; they’d like their non-conference schedule back. 

Tampa Bay at Washington – Saying that the Bucs lost Monday night because of a bad call is like saying that a guy who jumps off a building and smacks into the sidewalk was killed because of a design flaw in concrete.   

Baltimore at Arizona – Emmitt Smith had minus-1 yard rushing in his return to Big D last weekend, the ugliest homecoming since 1985, when Mary Ellen St. Claire drank half a bottle of rum and threw up on me while we were dancing to Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses at Night.”  Then she slept with the entire homecoming committee.  I feel your pain, Emmitt. 

Buffalo at N.Y. Jets – Hey, how come the Bills get an extra bye week?    

Pittsburgh at Denver – Tommy Maddox has officially joined Kurt Warner in the “Guys Who Used to Be Able to Play Quarterback” club.  Welcome, Tommy, can I get you a clipboard and a baseball cap?  

San Francisco at Seattle – A strictly West Coast affair where half of the crowd will be sipping wine and eating cheese, while the other half will be dressed in flannel shirts, scarfing down cappuccinos and humming the intro to “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”  It’s like West Side Story gone horribly wrong. 

Atlanta at St. Louis – After the Falcons’ 39-26 loss to the Vikes Sunday, Atlanta QB Doug Johnson claimed that the Falcons were actually the better team.  Johnson also claimed that pigs can poop Frosted Flakes and that his penis is 27 inches long, flaccid.  Rams coach Mike Martz threw his two cents in, saying that he was, “…just happy to finally meet someone as insane as me is.”

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The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com -- we agree only with the really, really funny ones.

POSTED October 2, 2003 at 12:32 AM

Week 5 of the NFL Season:

Any Chance Rush will play Abe Lincoln (with a pointy white hat and robe) in a new Lincoln Financial Commercial with Donovan McNabb?

High Five 

1.      You just know that, at some point, someone in the 49ers organization is going to beat the holy hell out of Terrell Owens.  We can only pray it’s captured on videotape.

2.      Kurt Warner’s wife Brenda said in a radio interview that the Rams quarterback would welcome a trade to another team.  Reportedly, Warner would also welcome the return of his testicles and the ability to speak for himself as well.

3.      A number of players are returning this week from four-game suspensions for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, prompting the NFL to launch an advertising campaign promoting its commitment to inner cities.  Sources say that the campaign’s tagline will be: “Removing drug addicts from your neighborhoods and putting them back where they belong – on the football field.”

4.      Watched ESPN’s Playmakers the other night.  Liked it better the first time, when it was called Oliver Stone’s Any Given Sunday.

5.      While some see the football season as one quarter over and other see it as three quarters remaining, most people educated in U.S. public schools can’t add fractions and just stand there going, “Huh?” 

Analysis, Weakly

Arizona at Dallas – Led by quarterback Quincy Carter (2 touchdowns, 3 interceptions, 73.8 passer rating), the Cowboys have the top-ranked offense in the league.  I can repeat that statement to myself a thousand times and still not believe it’s true.  Did I miss a memo or something? 

Cincinnati at Buffalo – To be honest, the cataclysmic Biblical-type event that would be brought on by a Bengals’ two-game winning streak scares the hell out of me.  Go Bills.  

Denver at Kansas City – Both teams like to run, and they like to score.  Reminds me of a nymphomaniac track star I used to date in high school.  She was a handful.  

Miami at N.Y. Giants – Both teams are 2-1 and coming off of a bye week.  Both teams are looking to solidify their position atop their respective divisions.  All the ingredients for the inexplicably lopsided blowout of the week. 

Minnesota at Atlanta – Count me among those who watched the Vikes hammer the ‘Niners 35-7 and said, “Wow.”  You can also count me among those who watched the Falcons lose 23-3 to the Panthers and said, “C’mon, guys, I know Michael Vick’s hurt and all, but could we maybe stop whining about it and start playing some football?”  

New Orleans at Carolina – I’m not saying the Saints quit during Sunday night’s 55-21 loss to the Colts, but I could’ve sworn I saw a pizza delivery guy on the team’s sideline during the third quarter.  In a related matter, I hadn’t seen receivers running through a secondary that wide open since, well, since the Saints played the previous week, actually.  To say their defense sucks is an insult to prostitutes everywhere. 

Oakland at Chicago – If the Cubs and Braves are playing a deciding Game 5 on Sunday, you literally won’t be able to give away tickets to this one.  Not even if the tickets come with a case of beer, a stripper, and a year’s supply of chocolate pudding. 

Seattle at Green Bay – The media will make a big deal about Mike Holmgren returning to Lambeau Field, the site of his greatest accomplishment, which I find completely offensive to those of us who’ve never had anything even remotely resembling a greatest accomplishment.  

Tennessee at New England – Statistically, these teams are very evenly matched, meaning the game should be decided by something stupid like which team’s fans offer up more virgin sacrifices to Mediocre, the god of parity.  

San Diego at Jacksonville – The good news is that someone will actually win this game.  The bad news is that a small handful of people will actually pay to watch it.  Me, I’d rather watch lepers oil wrestle.  

Detroit at San Francisco – After watching most of the 49ers’ 35-7 loss to the Vikes Sunday, I’ve got to disagree with Terrell Owens.  The ‘Niners problem is not that they don’t have heart.  It’s that they apparently don’t have an f-ing clue.  How do you have more time of possession, more total yardage, more yards rushing – and lose by 28 points?  

Washington at Philadelphia – With the team having won a grand total of one (1) game this season, many pundits are claiming that the Eagles have once again established themselves as a playoff contender in the NFC.  And, in case you didn’t know, the word “pundits” comes from the Spanish “pundititos,” which loosely translates to “big, stinky, horses’ asses who get overly excited by one victory.”  

Cleveland at Pittsburgh – These two teams are a combined –5 in giveaway/takeaway ratio, meaning there should be more balls on the ground Sunday than at a castration festival in the jungles of Africa.  

Indianapolis at Tampa Bay – Every time you hear the phrase “possible Super Bowl preview” this week, scream “cheap media ploy” at the top of your lungs.  Then throw your left shoe at the TV and shout “Yahtzee.”  Probably won’t accomplish anything, but it should be fun.

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POSTED September 24, 2003 at 4:50 AM

Week Four of the NFL Season: 

Marty Schottenheimer Wonders Whether The Entire Oklahoma Roster Could Sue To Join The Chargers 

High Five 

1.      Wow.  The Packers versus the Bears on Monday Night Football?  Is there a way to maybe not show games featuring two teams with one win between them on national television?  Just a thought.

2.      Maurice Clarett is “almost certain” that he would have been taken in the first round of the 2003 NFL draft had he been eligible.  An informal panel of NFL scouts have declared that they are “almost certain” that Clarett is insane.

3.      The Chargers have asked the league to fine the Broncos for showing up to the teams’ September 14 game in the wrong uniforms.  In an unrelated matter, the league has asked to Chargers to spend a little more time preparing for games and a little less time worrying about what the other team is wearing.

4.      Sebastian Janikowski gets arrested, Terrell Owens rips his coaches.  What the hell is this, Groundhog Day?

5.      Some claim that free agency and the salary cap have created a league of mediocrity.  Others celebrate that as parity.  A representative from Webster’s says the two words are “damn near interchangeable” and football fans “argue about the dumbest things.” 

Analysis, Weakly

Arizona at St. Louis – After finally getting into the win column in last week’s victory over the Packers in 106-degree heat, the Cardinals should seriously consider moving all of their home games to the Sun.

Cincinnati at Cleveland – The Bengals’ Corey Dillon blamed last week’s loss on the field at Paul Brown Stadium.  Interesting theory.  Stupid theory, but interesting in its stupidity nonetheless.

Jacksonville at Houston – Winner of this season’s “First Game to Make You Think, ‘Oh, God, Why Bother?’” award.

New England at Washington – You can almost hear Steve Spurrier now:  “Defensive genius, my ass. Belichick can suck it.”

Philadelphia at Buffalo – The Eagles are averaging five points per game.  To put that in perspective, they would lose a simulated game to the Boston Red Sox, who put about six on the board per contest.

San Francisco at Minnesota – Daunte Culpepper wants to play this weekend with broken bones in his back.  Someone might want to explain to him the difference between the phrases “tough guy” and “dumbass.”

Tennessee at Pittsburgh – With little fanfare, the Titans are once again among the league’s best teams.  With equally little fanfare, the Steelers play their home games in a stadium named after ketchup.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Kansas City at Baltimore – The Chiefs average almost 37 points per game, the Ravens 24.  Vegas has set the over/under at 150.  Gamble at your own risk.

San Diego at Oakland – The AARP is boycotting Raiders’ games, claiming that the team is giving senior citizens a bad name.  The NFLPA is boycotting Chargers’ games, claiming that the team is giving professional football players a bad name.

Atlanta at Carolina – Those of you on the Panthers’ party bus might not want to ask QB Jake Delhomme to throw you a beer.  There’s a 52% chance that the throw will go over your head and out the window.  

Dallas at N.Y. Jets – The ‘Boys are scoring 24 points per game but giving up 29.   Your offense would be that good, too, if it got to practice against a crappy defense every day.

Detroit at Denver – The Broncos are coming off a short week.  The Lions are just beginning what could turn out to be a very long year.  Not exactly “Game of the Week” material here.

Indianapolis at New Orleans – The Saints’ Deuce McAllister had eight yards rushing last week against the Titans.  I had to move my garbage can farther than that when putting out the trash the other night.

Green Bay at Chicago – With nine interceptions between them and a combined passer rating of 117.6, Brett Favre and Kordell Stewart should set quarterbacking back about 100 years in this one.  You can almost hear Bear Bryant saying, “Now, that’s why we run the triple option.” 

POSTED September 19, 2003 At 12:45 PM

Week Three Of The NFL Season:

Have The Cardinals Been Mathematically Eliminated Yet?

High Five 

1.     With Donovan McNabb, Kordell Stewart and Jake Delhomme all having a bye this week, the league’s overall completion percentage should jump at least 25 points.

2.      Is it me, or is Bill Parcells actually beginning to look like a tuna?

3.      Asked why he didn’t try to hide Steve McNair’s finger injury as Broncos coach Mike Shanahan had done for Jake Plummer’s shoulder injury, Titans coach Jeff Fischer reportedly said, “Because my quarterback’s not a complete wussy.”

4.      When asked if he were disappointed that Jamal Lewis had broken his single-game rushing record, Corey Dillon reportedly replied, “I play for the Bengals.  My entire life is disappointment.”

5.      There were 23,127 people on hand in Tempe to witness the Cardinals’ 38-0 loss to the Seahawks on Sunday.  Ironically, the state of Arizona’s “People Who Will Pay to Watch Anything” population is also 23,127. 

Analysis, Weakly 

Jacksonville at Indianapolis – The Colts’ Nick Harper leads the league in interceptions with three.  I think I speak for everybody when I say, “Who the hell is Nick Harper?”  

Kansas City at Houston – I’m amazed that David Carr has not yet hired someone to kill his offensive linemen one at a time.  This guy doesn’t just get sacked, he gets assaulted.  They should give the Texans half a win for every game he lives through. 

Minnesota at Detroit – Riding the wave of the Vikings’ unexpectedly strong start, Randy Moss should be saying or doing something dumb any minute now.  I’m just kidding.  No, I’m not.  

New Orleans at Tennessee – The Titans defense allows its opponents a league-low 16.7% third down conversion percentage, while the Saints allow a very respectable 25% conversion rate.  This game should be a must-see for all you die-hard punting fans out there.  All three of you. 

N.Y. Jets at New England – Pats players were quick to refute charges that they hate coach Bill Belichick.  One player did point out, however, that he finds the coach’s habit of kissing players on the mouth after victories “quite distressing.” 

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati – Don’t look now, but the 0-2 Bengals lead the league in passing yards allowed per game.  Who said that Marvin Lewis couldn’t turn this thing around immediately? (Caution: Blatant sarcasm.) 

Tampa Bay at Atlanta – I simply cannot take the Bucs seriously until they learn how to successfully execute a field goal or extra point attempt.  In addition, I cannot take the Falcons seriously until they learn how to hold onto a 17-point lead.  And, in closing, I cannot take President Bush seriously until he learns how to pronounce the word “nuclear.” 

Green Bay at Arizona – Is this the week that the Cards hold an opponent to fewer than 38 points?  The question itself is very, very sad.  As are the Cardinals. 

N.Y. Giants at Washington – Word out of the Big Apple is that tight end Jeremy Shockey has yet to get home from Monday night’s game because he keeps dropping his car keys.  Isn’t it hysterical when a guy runs his mouth and then makes an ass of himself on national television? 

St. Louis at Seattle – The Seahawks lead the league in turnover differential, while the Rams lead the league in head coaches who have absolutely no idea what planet they’re on.  Should be interesting, at least.  

Baltimore at San Diego – Do the Chargers even know that the season has begun?  They’ve lost their first two by an average score of 32-14.   

Cleveland at San Francisco – All the little chicks with their crimson lips say, “Cleveland sucks, Cleveland sucks, Cleveland sucks, Cleve-land sucks.”  The Browns gave up a ridiculous 343 yards rushing last week.  Now, I’m no genius, but if I’m the 49ers I think I might, oh, I don’t know, run the ball on every play.   

Buffalo at Miami – In the lingo of illegal substances, I’d say that the Bills just might be “peaking too early.”  As for the Dolphins, they’re the only team in the league yet to attempt a field goal.  I don’t know what that means, but it’s kinda weird.  

Oakland at Denver – Okay, so Mike Shanahan was less than forthcoming about QB Jake Plummer’s injury last Sunday.  For those of you keeping score at home, it’s alright to smash into an opponent so hard that one or more of his bones shatter, but lying about a boo-boo is completely unacceptable.  Please.

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust it is OK to do so -- but then again, it is ok to eat your poo-poo if you are a dog.

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com.

POSTED September 9, 2003 at 12:45 PM 

Week Two of the NFL Season:

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Martz 

By now everyone knows that St. Louis head coach Mike Martz somehow missed the seemingly obvious fact that Rams QB Kurt Warner was suffering from a concussion for a large part of last Sunday’s loss to the Giants.  Predictably, the national media has spent the better part of this week uncovering some other interesting tidbits about Martz and his frighteningly tenuous hold on reality: 

·        Martz was actually born Mike Johnson but changed his name after inadvertently returning to a neighbor’s house after the first day of the third grade, deciding that it was easier to live with the Martz family than attempt to locate the right house. 

·        Martz voted for Warren G. Harding in the last presidential election. 

·        This offseason, Martz attempted to trade for a player already on his team. 

·        Before every game, Martz insists that Rams players hold hands and sing “I Wanna Be Sedated” by the Ramones. 

·        Martz once demanded that officials stop a game so he could return to the locker room and change his left sock.  

Analysis, Weakly 

Buffalo at Jacksonville – The Bills look like they’re gearing up for a run at another Super Bowl loss.  Sorry.  That was too easy.

Cleveland at Baltimore – Every year people say that Cleveland’s going to be better, and every year they’re not.  Does Butch Davis have naked pictures of some high-ranking government official or something?   

Detroit at Green Bay – Can someone please tell Brett Favre that he hasn’t retired yet?  Rarely is one person responsible for a loss in the game of football, but, well, the exception does prove the rule. 

Houston at New Orleans – The truly hysterical thing here is that the Saints consider themselves a playoff-caliber team.  Yeah, and I had a neighbor who thought that the CIA was trying to kill him because of information he had about a second gunman on the grassy knoll in Dallas.  

Miami at N.Y. Jets – The Dolphins are still fuming over their season-opening loss to the Texans, and we all know that there’s nothing more ferocious than an angry dolphin.  You see, that’s why you never pick a fish as your team mascot. 

Pittsburgh at Kansas City – Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I’d rather watch Bradshaw vs. Dawson than Maddox vs. Green.  But then again, Hank Stram never cried like a little girl, so maybe Dick Vermeil’s the x-factor in this one.  

San Francisco at St. Louis – According to head coach Mike Martz, QB Kurt Warner “didn’t seem to understand the plays we were calling from the sidelines” during last week’s loss to the Giants.  Asked how he couldn’t tell that Warner was suffering from a concussion, Martz replied, “Well, in all honesty, most times I don’t understand the plays we’re calling from the sidelines, so that kinda muddies up the water a little bit.” 

Tennessee at Indianapolis – I’m watching the Bucs-Eagles game Monday night, and I’m thinking to myself, “Good Lord, how could Tony Dungy not have won with that defense?”  Then again, how could Tony Dungy not have scored more than three field goals in Week 1 with this offense?  He might very well be the underachiever of the decade, or at least a close second to my cousin Harold, who drinks lighter fluid all day while watching Facts of Life reruns. 

Washington at Atlanta – The Ol’ Ball Coach goes against former Gator QB Doug Johnson.  You can bet that everyone in Gainesville is thinking, “How in the hell did we blow a 23-point lead to the ‘Canes?” 

Carolina at Tampa Bay – The Panthers party bus will come to such a screeching halt that I wouldn’t be surprised if someone actually flies through the windshield.  

Seattle at Arizona – Given the Cardinals’ porous defense and the Seahawks’ metallic uniforms, the only three words that can accurately describe this game are: God awful ugly. 

Cincinnati at Oakland – Some will say that the Raiders looked old in their season-opening loss to the Titans.  Others will say that the Bengals couldn’t beat the cast of Cocoon, so it really doesn’t matter all that much. 

Denver at San Diego – I have no idea what’s going to happen in this game other than Jake Plummer throwing a good half-dozen dumb ass passes. 

New England at Philadelphia – The good news is that, after both being shut out last week, at least one of these teams should finally reach the end zone.  The bad news is that both clubs are wasting valuable practice time this week teaching players what to do when they get there.  

Chicago at Minnesota – Last week, Brett Favre threw four picks against the Vikes, and this week Kordell Stewart comes to town.  Next week, Minnesota will have a Family Day celebration where Viking defensive backs will literally take candy from babies.

Dallas at N.Y. Giants – The Tuna returns to New York this weekend, where thousands of Giants fans will think to themselves, “Wow, this guy’s put on, what, a thousand pounds since I last saw him.”

Obligatory disclaimer: The Tackling Dummy is a satirical look at the world of professional football and should not be mistaken for actual news.  If you find yourself frequently confusing satire with actual news, you should seek help immediately.  I simply cannot imagine the horror that your life must be.

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust it is OK to do so -- just make sure that you bathe immediately thereafter.

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com.

POSTED September 2, 2003 at 8:55 PM 

Week One of the NFL Season:

The Dummy Speaks

Week 1 Games Notes

…but first, some completely meaningless predictions.

Ten Teams that Absolutely, Positively Will Not Win the Super Bowl This Year

1.      Cincinnati Bengals

2.      Houston Texans

3.      Dallas Cowboys

4.      Washington Redskins

5.      Detroit Lions

6.      Carolina Panthers

7.      Arizona Cardinals

8.      Jacksonville Jaguars

9.      Cleveland Browns

10.  San Diego Chargers

 First Coach to be Accosted in a Shopping Mall for His Team’s Crappy Play

1.      1.  Steve Spurrier, Washington Redskins

2.      2.  Mike Tice, Minnesota Vikings

3.      3. Butch Davis, Cleveland Browns

4.      4. Dick Jauron, Chicago Bears

5.      5. Marty Schottenheimer, San Diego Chargers

Ten Things I’d Really Like to See This Year 

1.     Terrell Owens scores a touchdown, pulls a Sharpie from his sock, and accidentally pokes out his eye while signing his name to the football.  Owens ends up losing the eye and has to wear a patch, forever being referred to as “that pirate-looking guy who used to play professional football until he stupidly poked his own eye out.”

2.     Ray Lewis rips an opponent’s head off and has sex with it while shouting, “EA Sports. It’s in the game,” over and over.  He is penalized for delay of game, but not arrested.

3.      Kyle Turley leads the league in receptions as Mike Martz runs 143 “tackle eligible” plays to fool defenders.

4.      A second-string linebacker makes a routine tackle on a four-yard gain, then suffers two career-ending knee injuries while dancing in celebration.  He is forever referred to as “that freaking idiot who 1) celebrated unnecessarily on routine tackles and 2) couldn’t dance worth a crap.”

5.     A plane carrying the Washington Redskins is forced to make an emergency landing on an Indian reservation in Arizona.  The team is never heard from again.

6.      The Arizona Cardinals are officially accepted into the Western Athletic Conference, where they are picked to finish sixth by coaches and media. 

7.     The Miami Dolphins win the AFC, only to have their mascot kidnapped just before the Super Bowl.  League officials are forced to contact Jim Carrey and offer him $200 million to reprise Ace Ventura role a third time.

8.     A player takes too many steroids and explodes during a game.  The TV replay is shown a record 1,356 times in a row before play resumes.

9.     For the first time ever, an NFL game is played to an empty stadium as fans refuse to enter, instead protesting rising ticket prices in the parking lot.  With prodding from NFL owners, the Office of Homeland Security brands the crowd a “threat to national security” and drops 350 bombs on the protest.  President Bush later claims that fans had contacted Algeria about purchasing weapons-grade plutonium and declares the war a “stunning victory for democracy and greedy old men everywhere.”

10. An NFL player finally admits that it is definitely about the money, adding, “…so back up out of my face, bitch, or I’ll have one of my crew put so many caps in your ass you’ll look like a hat rack.” 

Best Division in Football 

NFC South, even with Michael Vick injured.  If he ends up out all season for some reason, it’s the AFC West. 

Worst Division in Football 

AFC North.  Watch, they’re all going to end up between 9-7 and 6-10.  Ugh. 

Length of Time That Will Pass in the Season Opener before the Average Fan Turns to Someone in the Room and Says, “Aw, Christ, I could’ve made that tackle.” 

1 minute 35 seconds 

Number of Times the Above Statement Will Be Accurate 

0 

Comeback Player of the Year 

Red Grange, Chicago Bears.  Sure, it’s a longshot, but all he really has to do to win the award is show up for a game, given that he’s dead and all. 

First Player to Publicly Criticize His Team’s Head Coach 

(Tie) Terrell Owens, 49ers; Randy Moss, Vikings; Warren Sapp, Buccaneers 

Owner of the #1 Pick in the 2004 Draft 

Arizona Cardinals 

…and with the #1 pick in the 2004 NFL Draft, the Arizona Cardinals select… 

Eli Manning, quarterback, Ole Miss 

Analysis, Weakly 

N.Y. Jets at Washington – With all of the Jets players the Redskins signed in the offseason, there’s a pretty good chance that someone will pick up a fumble and run toward the wrong end zone.  Always good for a laugh. 

Arizona at Detroit – What scheduling genius thought this would be a good idea for a season-opener?  Couldn’t they just have arranged a public execution or something?  The truly ridiculous thing is that one of these teams is going to be undefeated for a week. 

Baltimore at Pittsburgh – A good, old fashioned slobber-knocker in America’s heartland.  The phrase “Winning ugly” was invented for games like this.  Does anyone else find it silly that a team on which Ray Lewis plays was named for a poem?  I mean, seriously, a freaking poem.  Ooh, we’re scary. 

Denver at Cincinnati – It will take Bengals fans less than one quarter to figure out that Marvin Lewis needs more time to build the team into a winner.  On the other side, it will take Jake Plummer less than five minutes to throw a stupid pass.  

Houston at Miami – The Dolphins traditionally come out of the gate strong, and the Texans traditionally suck.  If you’ve got a choice between watching this game and cutting the grass, I’d suggest the yard work. 

Indianapolis at Cleveland – It’s inevitable that, at some point, people in Indy will look at each other and say, “You know, it occurs to me that Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning have never actually won anything.”   

Jacksonville at Carolina – With a strong defense and a not-so-strong offense, this should be the first of many 9-6 games involving the Panthers.  As for the Jags, well, let’s just hope that everyone makes it through the game without passing out from the heat.   

Minnesota at Green Bay – The fact that Brett Favre mispronounces his last name has driven me insane for the better part of the last decade.  Is there nothing that can be done about this?  As for the game, the Vikes will probably lose, and Randy Moss will probably bitch about something after the game.  Blah, blah, blah.  

New England at Buffalo – A lot of people have jumped onto the Bills bandwagon this offseason.  A lot of people will be jumping off the Bills bandwagon if they lose to the Pats.  The lesson?  Bandwagons, and the people on them, are retarded. 

San Diego at Kansas City – Rumblings out of San Diego indicate that players no longer want to play for head coach Marty Schottenheimer and that southern California is about to drop off into the Pacific Ocean.  Get it, rumblings?  Earthquakes?  C’mon, a little help here.  On a personal note, I can’t help but wonder if Chargers players would consider playing for, oh, I don’t know, their ridiculously large paychecks.  Just a thought. 

St. Louis at N.Y. Giants – The Rams are back and will prove it by beating the Giants like a dog that has shat upon this month’s issue of Hustler.  Well, maybe they will.  I don’t really know.  I just wanted to use that phrase. 

Atlanta at Dallas – Some in Atlanta are claiming that being without Michael Vick will actually make the Falcons a better team in the long run.  Yeah, and losing one’s job is a perfect opportunity to hone one’s survival skills by being forced to live on the streets and eat garbage. 

Chicago at San Francisco – An explosives tester has a brighter future than Bears coach Dick Jauron right about now.  As for 49ers coach Dennis Erickson, well, nothing in his past NFL tenure indicates that he won’t screw this thing up.  

New Orleans at Seattle – Apparently under the impression that running back Deuce McAllister is made of titanium, the Saints front office has chosen to begin the season without so much as a serviceable backup to their offensive star.  On the positive side, someone in New Orleans is going to make the Guinness Book of World Records for being able to hold his breath for 17 weeks straight. 

Oakland at Tennessee – Raiders fans can only hope that the boys in black have put the Super Bowl loss behind them.  Titans fans can only hope that Steve McNair has sobered up and put the gun away. 

Tampa Bay at Philadelphia – Under the immutable laws of over-hyped football games, this one should be a one-sided snooze fest.  The good news is that Lisa Guerrero will likely perform second-half sideline interviews topless in order to keep people watching. 

Obligatory disclaimer: The Tackling Dummy is a satirical look at the world of professional football and should not be mistaken for actual news.  If you find yourself frequently confusing satire with actual news, you should seek help immediately.  I simply cannot imagine the horror that your life must be.

POSTED August 18, 2003 at 8:50 PM 

The Fan’s Guide to Football 2003

 Part 3: You Asked For It!

As promised, in Part 3 of our Fan’s Guide to Football 2003 we’ll empty out the ol’ mail bag.  In a related matter, a good friend of mine took a line drive to the groin in a charity softball game this past weekend and will have to have his ol’ male bag emptied out as soon as the swelling goes down.  But I digress. [Editor Note: Mike Florio has volunteered to check your friend out too, Boyd]. 

Anyway, keep the questions and comments coming, and I’ll get to as many as I can during the season. 

E-mail Question: My wife is eight months pregnant with our first child (a boy!!), but we can’t decide on a name.  She wants to name him Butkus after Bears linebacker Dick Butkus, and I want to name him Gale after Bears running back Gale Sayers.  How do we decide?  Joe & Mary K., Chicago, Illinois 

Give the kid up for adoption.  You’re both insane.  And get the hell away from Chicago, will you?

E-mail Question: I'm a big Bucs fan, and I was wondering if it is wrong for me to wish death upon Michael Vick of the Falcons.  If it is wrong, what about hoping for a very serious injury? Tim in Tampa 

Well, Tim, here’s the deal.  Wishing death upon Michael Vick is only wrong if you verbalize that wish to a hit man while handing him an envelope full of cash and/or jewelry.  Otherwise, I think you’re okay.  You obviously take football way too seriously, but that’s another matter altogether. {From The Dummy: Tim wrote in before Michael’s injury Saturday night, and I hear that Tampa authorities have already begun their investigation by ransacking Tim’s trailer looking for incriminating evidence.  While he has been cleared of any wrongdoing in the Vick matter, Tim has been labeled a “person to watch” by Tampa police for his bizarre collection of women’s saliva.}

 E-mail Question: Where does the word “punt” come from?  Kyle G., Lexington, KY 

The word “punt” comes from the Latin “puntimus,” the French “puntierre,” and the Spanish “punterrodido,” all of which mean “our offense sucks.”

 E-mail Question: Once the Lions started sucking last year, my friend Gary decided to start pulling for the Raiders.  I called him a bandwagon jumper, but he swears that he always liked the Raiders ever since he was a kid.  Who’s right?  Mike, Detroit, Michigan

 Good question, Mike.  There are rules for this kind of thing, and here they are:  “Backup” teams (teams you will pull for once your hometown team has been eliminated from playoff contention) must be clearly identified prior to the beginning of the season.  If this backup team is not clearly identified, you will be labeled a bandwagon jumper, a class of people just below child molesters and politicians in “The Inmates Guide to Which New Prisoners Should Be Raped First.”

 E-mail Question: Mr. Dummy – I spend upwards of eighteen hours a day on the computer, visiting football-related websites and talking in football chat rooms.  Is this excessive?  Sam, Texas

 Oh, no, not at all.  Some people would find it heroic to devote one’s life to a relatively meaningless game played by millionaires who wouldn’t know you if they ran over you with their sports cars.  Nah, I’m just messing with you.  You’re a freak.  Unglue your ass from the chair and take a walk.  And move out of your mother’s house, for Pete’s sake.

E-mail Question: How do you feel about women sideline reporters, especially MNF’s Lisa Guerrero?  Tommy W., Ohio

 I’m ready to accept female reporters, as long as society’s ready to accept my mastur---- [edited] into a bag of barbecue potato chips during sideline reports. [Editor Note: You are a sick man Floyd]

 E-mail Question: My wife says that I spend too much time watching football on weekends.  How can I get her off my back?  Karl, Des Moines, Iowa

Explain to her that every minute you spend watching football is one less minute you spend cutting your fingers off with power tools you don’t know how to operate properly.  If that doesn’t work, try turning the television up really loud.

E-mail Question: Every weekend, I get together with a bunch of guy friends from work, watch football games, and drink beer all day.  If the Vikings win, we usually celebrate by going out to a local strip club and getting lap dances, and when we get back home we like to watch Jenna Jamison porn videos.  Does this make me a lesbian?  Janet, St. Paul

 Uh, I’ll go with “yes” on that one. 

 E-mail Question: What do you think of Rush Limbaugh being added to ESPN’s studio team?  Henry, Dallas

I think you’ll probably need to prop up your TV with a couple of phone books, because it’s going to be leaning to the right.

 E-mail Question: I was watching a game on television with my eight-year-old son the other night, and I clearly heard one of the coaches cursing at an official.  Is this any way for grown men to behave?  I find it offensive and inexcusable.  Darlene, Spokane

I have no idea what the f#@* you’re talking about, Darlene.  Just shut up and watch the f@^#-ing game, will you?

 E-mail Question: Is there anything worse than pre-season football games?  James, New Orleans

Yes, Pop Warner football games.  Nothing but a bunch of kids running around like chickens with their heads cut off.  It’s embarrassing, really.  But, hey, it’s free.

E-mail Question: With all of the sports commentators on TV and the Internet, I have no idea who to listen to when it comes to predictions for the season.  Who do you recommend?  Karen in NYC

 I’ll give you the same advice my father gave me.  Forget what everyone else says; it’s more important to listen to the voices in your head.  Otherwise they get angry and start telling you to kill people.  I don’t know how that applies to football, but it’s good advice just the same.

 E-mail Question: You’re an idiot who doesn’t know anything about football.  Walter, Pennsylvania

Dad, I’ve asked you never to call me while I’m at work. 

E-mail Question: Some people are actually thinking that Marvin Lewis can turn the Bengals into winners.  Is everyone crazy, or is it just me?  Phil, Cleveland, Ohio

I’ve checked around, and it’s just you.  Sorry.  Perhaps you qualify for some kind of government assistance. 

Obligatory disclaimer: The Tackling Dummy is a satirical look at the world of professional football and should not be mistaken for actual news.  If you find yourself frequently confusing satire with actual news, you should seek help immediately.  I simply cannot imagine the horror that your life must be.

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust it is OK to do so -- but if you're like us -- you probably would rather see him go away.

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com.

POSTED July 30, 2003 at 12:10 AM

The Fan’s Guide to Football 2003

 Part 2: Say What?

If you’re a fan of the NFL, you’re going to spend a considerable amount of time over the next few months reading and listening to players and coaches expound upon the subtleties of the game.  That’s the good news. 

The bad news is that you’re also going to spend a considerable amount of time going, “Huh?” and knocking back aspirins like they’re Tic Tacs. 

But have no fear.  (Well, you probably should have some fear, because a total absence of fear is a psychotic state, if I remember correctly.)  The Tackling Dummy is here to help.

What they say: “Football is a game of inches.”

What it means: The little things matter.  If football were truly a game of inches, you’d hear things like, “With that carry, Ricky Williams has just gone over 36,000 inches rushing for the season.”

What they say: “We’re going to play them one game at a time.”

What it means: Until someone finds a way to play them two games at a time, this statement is completely meaningless. 

What they say: “We’re just fortunate that God was with us today.”

What it means: Our opponents are Satanists who have incurred the wrath of the Almighty by performing virgin sacrifices at their indoor practice facility.

What they say: “We came out of the game in pretty good shape, injury wise.”

What it means: Does anyone here know if it’s possible to sew someone’s head back on? Oh, and by the way, does anybody have three, maybe four gallons of blood to spare?

What they say: “It’s not about the money.”

What it means: Take three steps backward, because this is the type of blinking neon lie that’s usually accompanied by a lightning strike.

What they say: “I think we match up with them pretty well.”

What it means: If I get killed out there, please tell my illegitimate children that I love them.

What they say: “All football comes down to is blocking and tackling.”

What it means: All football comes down to is money.  The blocking and tackling is merely what happens while you’re standing in line for $27 nachos.

What they say: “Despite what happened out there today, I still feel good about this team.”

What it means: And I also believe that I can fly.  Wheee.  I’m insane.

What they say: “It’s tough to overcome that many mental mistakes.”

What it means: Most of the players on our team are borderline retarded.  Hell, we’ve got one guy who thinks that Shakespeare is something that tribal warriors do before entering battle.

What they say: “He’s a classic possession receiver.”

What it means: The guy’s so slow he has to inject coffee intravenously to keep from slipping into a coma.  He can catch, though. 

What they say: “We had a little trouble in the passing game today.”

What it means: Evidently, our quarterback finds it amusing to watch our offensive linemen throw up from chasing defensive backs after interceptions.  I don’t know.  The guy’s a douche bag, really.

What they say: “If you had told me during training camp that we’d win seven games this year, I’d have been delighted.”

What it means: That stabbing pain in your backside is ticket prices going up.

What they say: “No one remembers who came in second place.”

What it means: So you really won’t remember us, because we’re in, like, fifteenth place or something.

What they say: “It’s time to separate the men from the boys.”

What it means: Throw the underage male prostitutes out of the locker room.  The game’s about to start.

What they say: “It’s important that we win the game of field position.”

What it means: Because we probably won’t win the game of “Who Scored the Most Points?”

What they say: “We’re a family, and we’re going to stick together through this.”

What it means: To put this statement in context, keep in mind that Charles Manson also had a family.  Food for thought.

What they say: “Winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing.”

What it means: I’m overcompensating for the fact that I like to wear women’s clothing while singing Barry Manilow songs.

What they say: “We’re just going to have to go back to the drawing board.”

What it means: Because, evidently, we’re a lot better at finger painting than we are at football. 

Send your questions: In the next [Editor Note: and thankfully last] installment of The Fan’s Guide to Football 2003, The Tackling Dummy will be answering reader questions on all matters even remotely football related.  So email me and be part of the festivities [Editor Note: . . . uh . . . snoozefest].

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com.

POSTED July 23, 2003 at 11:35 PM

The Fan’s Guide to Football 2003

Part 1: NFL 101 – The Football Dictionary

Like any really cool club or Satanic cult, the NFL has its own language, a collection of words and phrases that only the initiated understand and only the truly psychotic can recite from memory. 

But with more and more of its players stepping outside the boundaries of socially acceptable behavior, the NFL has discovered recently that it must change to reflect the changes in our culture and the corresponding changes in the league itself.  With that in mind, the NFL has created new definitions for some of its most established terms. 

Read them, learn them, be the first on your block to use them correctly in a sentence.  Don’t be that guy at the party going, “Hey, anyone heard that funky new KC and the Sunshine Band album?” [Editor Note: Lloyd -- please don't make fun of Mike Florio's favorite band.]. For the learning impaired, the football terms are in green italics.

beat:

Old definition: when a player gets past an opponent trying to block or tackle him.

New definition: when a player gets past an opponent by hitting said opponent with a metal pipe. 

blackout:

Old definition: when a regional network affiliate is forbidden from showing a local game because it is not sold out.

New definition: when a player drinks too much at Hooter’s and remembers neither grabbing the waitress by the hair nor slapping the police when they attempt to remove said player from the establishment. 

cheap shot:

Old definition: a deliberate foul or other violent act against an unsuspecting player.

New definition: 25 cent Jagermeister.

crackback:

Old definition: blocking by an offensive player who goes downfield then turns back to the middle to block a player from the side.

New definition: attempting to get a refund on a crack purchase without a receipt. 

dead ball:

Old definition: a ball becomes dead when a play is over.

New definition: a ball becomes dead when a player shoots it for not giving the player enough “mad props.”

double coverage:

Old definition: when 2 defensive players cover one receiver.

New definition: when 2 naked strippers cover one receiver.

"dying quail":

Old definition: a deflected or poorly thrown ball that resembles a shot waterfowl in flight.

New definition: a man named Quail who has been shot by an NFL player.

forward progress:

Old definition: the location to which a ball carrier has advanced the ball, even if he was pushed backwards after getting there.

New definition: the location to which a ball carrier has advanced after being riddled with bullets while fleeing the scene of a hit-and-run accident.

“frozen rope”:

Old definition: a pass thrown crisply, perfectly straight and right on target.

New definition: a bag of marijuana that has been left outside on a winter’s night.

gunner:

Old definition: a player on the kick cover team that is the first down the field.

New definition: the guy hanging out the window during a drive-by.

home field advantage:

Old definition: the benefit a team gets by playing games in the area where it is based, due to fan support, familiarity with its surroundings and the lack of required travel.

New definition: the benefit of having a bar fight in an area where teammates can ensure victory by holding the guy down while you kick him about the face and head.

hot receiver:

Old definition: the receiver who the quarterback will throw to when a blitz is recognized.

New definition: a receiver who has been fondling cheerleaders during TV timeouts.

incomplete pass:

Old definition: a forward pass that touches the ground before being caught.

New definition: a barroom pass that does not touch the backside before being caught.

pocket:

Old definition: the area behind the offensive line where the quarterback is protected by his blockers.

New definition: the place where you put your weed when the cops pull you over for speeding.

reading the defense:

Old definition: recognition by the quarterback of the defensive formation.

New definition: This word has been removed completely from the NFL language, given that there is really very little reading going on in the league.

recovery:

Old definition: to gain or regain possession of a fumble.

New definition: the amount of time required to heal from a gunshot or stab wound.

rookie:

Old definition: a first-year player in the NFL.

New definition: a first-year inmate in a state correctional facility.

rush:

Old definition: a running play.

New definition: the feeling of exhilaration that comes from traveling at 120 m.p.h. in a stolen SUV.

sack:

Old definition: a tackle of the quarterback behind his line of scrimmage.

New definition: a bag into which stolen items are placed for transportation to a pawnshop.

safety:

Old definition: when a ball carrier is tackled in his own end zone.

New definition: being in a car with bulletproof windows.

shotgun:

Old definition: a formation where the quarterback lines up behind the center but five yards deep.

New definition: an actual shotgun.

special teams:

Old definition: the group of players who participate in kicking plays.

New definition: the group of policemen who respond to hostage situations.

time out:

Old definition: a stop in play.

New definition: how long it’s been since a player has been paroled.

turnover:

Old definition: the involuntary loss of possession of the ball during a play, either by a fumble or by throwing an interception.

New definition: what the police say when you are lying face down on the ground.

uprights:

Old definition: vertical posts in the goalpost.

New definition: the last guys standing after Happy Hour. 

Send your questions: In the third installment of The Fan’s Guide to Football 2003, The Tackling Dummy will be answering reader questions on all matters even remotely football related [Editor Note: like "When did you get out of prison, Lloyd?"].  So email me and be part of the festivities. 

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com.

 POSTED July 14, 2003 at 3:40 PM

2003 Season Preview – NFC 

Okay, so we’re off to a good start.  Well, we’re off to a start, anyway.

Reaction to the AFC Preview column (see column below) was overwhelmingly positive [Editor Note: Lloyd didn't read our comments yet], prompting me to open a celebratory beer and prompting Mrs. Tackling Dummy to shout, “Yeah, well, if those people actually had to live with you, they’d be beating themselves to death with their own shoes.  Trust me on that one.” [Editor Question: Did she really have to yell that loud in your trailer?] 

Again, I have digressed. 

This week we’ll take a look at the NFC, and keep an eye out for our exclusive “Fan’s Guide to Football 2003” in the next couple of weeks.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – If you’re a fan of a football team on which Chad Hutchinson and Quincy Carter are battling for the starting quarterback job, begin drinking immediately and heavily.  To make matters worse, in his book The Final Season: My Last Year as Head Coach in the NFL (2000), 61-year-old Bill Parcells stated that “I don’t intend to be coaching when I’m 60.”  So there’s a good chance he’ll just be standing there on the sidelines, staring off into space most days. 

New York Giants – Ever the motivator, Giants coach Jim Fassel spent a large part of the offseason honing his emotional manipulation techniques.  He reportedly took acting classes to learn how to look really sad and cry on demand, as well as spending some time with U.S. Special Ops forces in case his team’s performance warrants taking a hostage.  “It’s like a game now,” said a team source.  “We play crappy, he pulls out the cheap theatrics, we play better.  It’s like dinner theater on steroids.” 

Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles leave behind Veterans Stadium, famous for severing the ligaments of players’ knees, and move to Lincoln Financial Field, a stadium named for a president that was shot in the head.  “The City of Brotherly Love”?  How about “The City of Wrenching Pain”? 

Washington Redskins – Pressed for comment on the Redskins’ signing of four Jets in the offseason, a team official quipped, “We have one scout.  He was supposed to be scouring the country for talent, but I’ve got 6,435 receipts for room service and cable porn that indicate he never left New York City.  He apparently managed to make it to a few Jets games, though.” 

NFC North 

Chicago Bears – The Bears requested that the Green Bay Packers be their opponent in the first game at the newly renovated Soldier Field, despite the fact that the Packers have taken 16 of the last 18 from the Bears.  Keep in mind, though, that the Bears also requested that Kordell Stewart be their quarterback and throw inexplicable, momentum-killing interceptions, so perhaps decision making is not the organization’s strong suit. 

Detroit Lions – The Lions are winless away from home over the last two seasons.  Hmmm, a Ford product that's just awful when you take it on the road.  Well, that joke just wrote itself, now didn’t it?  In an unrelated matter, I was recently surfing the Lions’ official site, where I learned that the team’s first head coach was named Potsy Clark.  Wow.  Brutal. 

Green Bay Packers – When 7,123 people show up to watch the Packers’ offense play the Packers’ defense in a charity softball game, you’ve got to ask yourself, “How boring is Wisconsin, anyway?”  In a football-related matter, the Packers reportedly sent a memo to fellow NFC North division members asking if they could be declared division champions now because, according to the memo, “…the rest of you guys suck pretty bad, and there’s really no point in anyone getting hurt.” 

Minnesota Vikings – Team officials have reportedly insisted that head coach Mike Tice drop the “Randy Ratio” (the number of times the ball is thrown to Randy Moss) in favor of a “Win Some Damn Games Ratio.”  The same officials also strongly suggested a “Be Prepared to Make a Draft Selection When It’s Our Turn Ratio” for next year’s draft. 

NFC South 

Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons got very little work done at their offseason mini-camps when large numbers of players threw up upon seeing the team’s new uniforms.  On a related note, the Canadian Football League accidentally included the Falcons in their season schedule, confusing the new-look team for one of its own.  In another related matter, the XFL has sued the Falcons, claiming that the defunct league holds intellectual property rights to “ugly-assed uniforms.”  I’ll stop now.  This could go on all day. 

Carolina Panthers – On the team’s official website, there’s a recurring interview item with coach John Fox called “From the Foxhole.”  I cannot tell you how much I wish his name were John Ass right now.  Sadly, the bland-beyond-belief Panthers really don’t inspire any other comments.  

New Orleans Saints – In perhaps the strangest move of the offseason, the entire Saints organization has converted to the ancient Mayan calendar to eliminate the possibility of ever having to play another game in the month of December.  Commenting on media questions about the team’s second consecutive late-season collapse, a Saints official reportedly said, “What, like winnings games at the end of the year is the most important thing in the world?  You guys are freakin’ idiots.” 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – While there’s nothing funny about ramming a car carrying your wife, your son, and your babysitter, Bucs running back Michael Pittman seems to have inadvertently given new meaning to the phrase “banging two women at the same time.”  The Bucs won’t repeat as champs, mostly because nobody does but also because they don’t seem to be handling success all that well.

NFC West 

Arizona Cardinals – In an unheralded move this offseason, the Cardinals petitioned league owners to expand the playoffs to include 28 teams, claiming that Cardinals players and coaches had the right to “walk the streets without people throwing bottles at them for never being able to make the playoffs.”  Sadly, the petition was denied. 

St. Louis Rams – Don’t be alarmed by the Rams’ chemistry-destroying signings of former Ram-basher Kyle Turley and safety Jason Sehorn, of whom coach Mike Martz once said, “I wish we could play Jason Sehorn every week.  We’d run by his ass all the time.”  Word out of St. Louis is that it could’ve been much worse.  “Mad Scientist” Martz apparently seriously considered filling out half his roster with Islamic fundamentalists and the other half with Nazis “just to see what would happen.” 

San Francisco 49ers – New coach Dennis Erickson brings a 31-33 lifetime NFL record to the Niners.  In Seattle, his teams went 8-8, 7-9, 8-8, and 8-8.  Conversely, Erickson is 144-57-1 in the college ranks.  Translation?  The 49ers should seriously consider applying for membership in the PAC-10, because they’ll probably finish at, oh, I don’t know, 8-8 every year under Erickson in the NFL.   

Seattle Seahawks – The Seahawks have not won more than nine games since 1986, and there’s no indication that they’ll win more than nine before 2086.  According to a team source, “We’re building up to it slowly.  If you get too successful too soon, you just end up all messed up in the head.  Look at Kurt Cobain.”

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust it is OK to do so -- but then again if you were a transvestite it would be OK to wear lipstick, too.

POSTED July 3, 2003 at 12:29 AM

2003 Season Preview – AFC 

Editor Note: The following is a new column from Lloyd Faust, who we really do not know anything about . . . . and with a name like Lloyd we aren't really sure we want to know him anyway.  Here is how Lloyd described himself to us:

"Lloyd Faust is a professional writer who has worked in marketing, advertising, public relations, journalism and, due to a severe financial crisis brought on by compulsive gambling and an obsession with a stripper named Luscious, the homemade porn industry.  His love of football dates back to 1979, when his father looked at him and said, “If you don’t play football this year, I’m going to beat the holy crap out of you.  I don’t care how much you liked Saturday Night Fever; dancing’s for girls.  Now get me a beer.” 

That's great Lloyd . . . real nice . . . another fu--in' comedian/ writer-boy . . . here's his article . . . read it fast . . . it (and he) probably won't be around very long . . .

With the calendar running up on July, it can mean only one thing: The opening of training camp is not far off.  Okay, make that two things, because it also means that most NFL cities will see a sharp decline in DUIs, nightclub incidents and domestic disturbances.  But I digress. 

Since most season previews end up being about as useful as the assembly instructions provided with mail order furniture, we here at The Tackling Dummy prefers to look at things from a slightly different angle.  Call it post-head trauma analysis, if you will. 

This week we’ll take a look at the AFC, with the NFC coming next week.

 AFC East 

Buffalo Bills – Three straight years without a playoff birth have Bills fans longing for the days of annual Super Bowl losses.  “It gets confusing when your ‘glory days’ really weren’t that glorious,” said one fan.  “It’s like when you’re not getting laid and you begin to miss an old girlfriend who wasn’t that pretty to begin with.  It’s sad, really.”  To encourage fans, the Bills organization released a statement saying that the team “sincerely hopes to reach the Super Bowl this year and lose again.” 

Miami Dolphins – At a press conference to announce the signing of the Dolphins’ new quarterback, a team spokesman gushed that he was “proud to have a player the caliber of Bob Griese back in a Dolphins uniform.”  When informed that the team had actually signed Bob’s son Brian, the spokesman was less enthusiastic.  “Oh, good Lord,” he said.  “What’s next?  We gonna sign Nick Buoniconti’s dog to play linebacker?” 

New England Patriots – After his defense finished 23^rd in the league last year, coach Bill Belichick spent much of the offseason petitioning the Meaningless Media Labeling Committee to reinstate his title of “Defensive Genius.”  The committee was not impressed, however, and insisted that this year Belichick be referred to as “an okay defensive coach who’s not as bad as, say, a guy with a drinking problem.” 

New York Jets – Quarterback Chad Pennington finished his first year as a starter with a ridiculous 104.2 rating.  To put that in context, it’s the football equivalent of releasing “Stairway to Heaven” as your band’s first single.  This type of accomplishment is the most persuasive argument for underachievement I can imagine.  Had Pennington not been that good in the first place, no one would ever ask why he can’t be that good again.  Failure looks pretty good right now, doesn’t it? 

AFC North 

Baltimore Ravens – After his offense finished 26^th in the league last year, coach Brian Billick spent much of the offseason petitioning the Meaningless Media Labeling Committee to reinstate his title of “Offensive Genius.”  The committee was not impressed, however, and insisted that this year Billick be referred to as “the guy who had the ‘Offensive Genius’ label put on him way too early and never quite lived up to it.” 

Cincinnati Bengals – Bengals first-round pick Carson Palmer has teamed with TV personality Carson Daly to form the “Hey, That Really Hurts” Foundation, a non-profit organization that provides free healthcare to children who are beaten up because they have Carson as their first name.  In football-related news, thousands of religious pilgrims have begun heading for Cincinnati, claiming that if head coach Marvin Lewis can turn the Bengals into winners, he must be God. 

Cleveland Browns – The big question in Cleveland is, “Who’s going to be the starting quarterback, Tim Couch or Kelly Holcomb?”  The big question to everyone who’s not in Cleveland is, “Who really cares one way or the other?”  Given that one’s career QB rating is 74.8 (Couch) and the other’s is 73.6 (Holcomb), can’t somebody just flip a coin or play a quick game of Rock, Paper, Scissors? 

Pittsburgh Steelers – The organization plays its 1,000^th game this season (Oct. 26 against St. Louis) and will celebrate by having members of the 1972 Steelers and Raiders teams re-enact the “Immaculate Reception” in wheelchairs.  Afterwards, Mean Joe Green will throw his arthritis medicine to some kid in the tunnel while drinking a Coke.  And if you get that reference, you’ve watched way too much TV.

AFC South 

Houston Texans – After being sacked an NFL record 76 times last year, quarterback David Carr reportedly spent the offseason bulking up in preparation for another onslaught.  Word is he also spent a considerable amount of time slashing tires, burning houses and soiling wives “just to let those big dumb linemen know who’s in charge.” 

Indianapolis Colts – Colts officials claim that there are no lingering ill feelings about kicker Mike Vanderjagt’s offseason comments toward quarterback Peyton Manning and coach Tony Dungy.  The same team officials also claimed that it is standard procedure for placekickers to share a locker room with the stadium grounds crew and eat all their meals in the parking lot. 

Jacksonville Jaguars – Since entering the NFL in ’95, the Jags have been to the playoffs four times and played in the AFC Championship game twice.  They have the highest winning percentage among all franchises.  And you know what?  No one cares.  I checked.  No one.  Is Jacksonville even in the United States?   

Tennessee Titans – It was reported that quarterback Steve McNair apologized for his arrest on DUI and gun possession charges, quickly restoring his reputation as a stand-up guy.  Funny, though, how when I apologize for getting drunk and driving into my neighbor’s living room, people still call me a jackass. 

AFC West 

Denver Broncos – With quarterback Brian Griese out of the picture, the Broncos have begun the search for a replacement player on whom to blame this year’s team failures.  When asked why such a scapegoat had to be identified, a team official shot back, “What, you think I’m going to take the blame?  Are you mental?”   

Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs have attributed last season’s awful defensive play to a communication breakdown.  Evidently, one of the team’s assistant coaches suffers from a severe speech impediment, and whenever he would tell defenders to “Tackle, dammit,” they would mistakenly believe that they had just been instructed to tickle a dimwit.  The coach has since been reassigned to special teams, and whenever he calls for the punt team, it sounds as though he is asking for lunchmeat. 

Oakland Raiders – Nothing but positives here.  First, at their ages, the Raiders players have probably already completely forgotten about their 27-point Super Bowl loss in January.  And second, the team can save a ton of money on travel expenses by utilizing Senior Discounts at most hotels and restaurants.  The only negatives are that 37-year-old Rich Gannon keeps falling asleep in the huddle and 40-year-old Jerry Rice is noticeably slowed by the adult diaper he must now wear to combat bladder control issues. 

San Diego Chargers – The Chargers have begun the last three seasons a combined 15-4, only to fade down the stretch and miss the playoffs each year.  To reverse the trend, the Bolts have launched a new “Suck in September” campaign designed to reduce community stress by deflating fans’ expectations much earlier in the season.  “We’re excited about it,” said a team source.  “Teaching players to lose is much easier than you would think.”

Obligatory disclaimer: The Tackling Dummy is a satirical look at the world of professional football and should not be mistaken for actual news.  If you find yourself frequently confusing satire with actual news, you should seek help immediately.  I simply cannot imagine the horror that your life must be.

If you want to email  Lloyd Faust it is OK to do so -- but if you're like us -- you probably don't want to.

The comments and opinions of Lloyd Faust do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the management of Profootballtalk.com.