PROFOOTBALLTALK

RETRO

(Crap we did in the past that most of you probably ignored)

Originally Posted December 18, 2003

THE DIRTY DOZEN

By Your Worst Fu--ing Nightmare Dante

WEEK 16

Hey -- no time for gayness this week -- potato red sauce boy Dano Dickweed is gone -- and The Man is back.  Hey good to see all you again -- yea, right.  Memo to Dan O'IsHisStuffCrapo -- Florio's diaper needs changed.Let's be real here . . . if your team is being mentioned in this column they suck -- and most likely will next year too.  The Good News: now you're not the only one that sucks.

This is where Panty Boy launches into some dialogue that no one understands or reads . . . so I'll make it short: Blow Me.

The 12 Brown missiles are:         

Tie 12. San Francisco 49ers (6-8, not ranked last week)

Their coach is a drunk and they have a QB who looks like he takes aging drugs (nice 'do Jeff -- shine your head for a nickel!).  You get rid of the Italian owner and let some clown name York run the team? -- why not hire Prince Charles on the staff so that the gayety can really be complete?

Tie 12. Chicago Bears (6-8, last week #7)

The Angelo-Jauron feud gets deeper and deeper as the Bears win another -- kind of like me and your mom.

11. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-10, last week #6)

So what if they lost last week and their ranking got better -- I hear Jack The Ax Man Del Rio is going to introduce power tools for motivation this week -- he gets the bump for the expected disfigurement of a player or two.

10. New York Jets (6-8, last week #10)

The Jets beat the Steelers last week 6-0 -- which is unbelievably the same ratio as the number of people who follow this really crappy team compared to the number of people who really give a shit about Coach Preacher's bag of rejects.

9. Washington Redskins (5-9, last week #12)

Another blown season for the Redskins -- and another season in which no woman can find Little Danny's little thingie so he can be blown.

8. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-9, not ranked -- nice job Doodie)

The annual winter transformation has occurred -- as the Steelers fade, Coach Ego disappears from the camera -- except for the one he uses with the office staff though.

7. Houston Texans (5-9, last week #11 -- what?)

Mercifully -- the season for the Texans is almost ended -- the players only have 2 more weeks in which to see that horrendous haircut of GM Charlie Casserley.

6. Oakland Raiders (4-10, last week #2)

Al Davis -- he's old, he wears funky glasses, he has a big mole on his face and he wears an ugly windbreaker -- very similar to the fiancé of Danny Bratwurst or whatever the fu-- the name is of the clown who now writes this crappy page.          

5. Detroit Lions (4-10, last week #5)

GM Matt Millen calls another player a faggot -- Query: if you are a fat-ass whale, you smell bad and your team is really shitty do you really have the right to call anybody anything?

4. San Diego Chargers (3-11, last week #4)

Saw Doug Flutie on Monday Night Football playing the drums -- or was that John Madden's tits?

3. Atlanta Falcons (3-11, last week #3)

So the Falcons now have a new GM and new coach-to-be . . . this, when coupled with an owner who sports a porn moustache and a QB who has trouble remembering bootleg left and bootleg right, has us all wondering the same thing: didn't the people in Atlanta suffer enough when the North came in and torched their as during the Civil War?  

Tie 2. New York Giants (4-10, last week #8)

Jim Fassel resigns, prompting a bunch of pissed off players to ask: why in the hell can't they quit now too? Oh, they already did -- about 5 weeks ago.   

Tie 2. Cleveland Browns (4-10, last week #9)

Browns fans, in an abrupt turnaround, phoned the City of Baltimore today . . . and asked if they would like two teams now.

1. Arizona Cardinals (3-11, last week #1)

Players, trying to show solidarity behind the few fans who still attend Turdinal home games, decided this week to walk around with cactus branches up their ass -- but quickly stopped after Bryan Robinson started showing up at the complex in a cactus outfit.

Please do me a favor -- do not email me -- the last time your wife did with all those nudie pics it messed up my computer.

The comments and opinions of Dante are not the opinion of any other dorks or tools we know -- nor of Profootballtalk (thank God).

ORIGINALLY POSTED JUNE  3, 2002 

MEDIA MUTTERINGS . . . 

by columnist Gene Amadao

NFL Official Team Sites - Products of Human Minds Or Proof That Aliens Do Live (and Are Writers) On Earth?

In today's world, cynicism is everywhere.  You drive on the highway - you know the guy in front of you is going to try to cut you off when you attempt to pass him.  You go to the store to buy a case of Old Milwaukee on sale (1 case for $4), and all they have left is the expensive Miller High Life.  You turn on the tube to watch SportsCenter and you can feel that this will be the one night that Chris "I'm Tall, Fat and An Ugly Bald Guy" Berman will be one of the anchors (if you are doubly cynical you expect Linda "Gums (you can interpret that as you wish)" Cohen as his sidekick).  But there is hope - there is a more lighter side to life.  An avenue where you can park you negative and stifling thoughts for just a little while.  A spot where all is grand and good, where all is gay and light hearted (and I am not alluding to the Mets baseball team) - where all will make you feel that maybe the world is not so bad.  What am I talking about?  Where is this Nirvana? Where is this Garden Of Eden?  Why, it's on the internet - no, not Boobie's Pleasure Palace . . . not Tony's Tool Box  . . . it has nothing to do with physical pleasure.  It's your favorite team's NFL Official Team internet site, where the motto is "Hey - We Might Suck But At Least We Will Act Like We Don't."  The people who write the articles on these sites make Peter Pan seem like Charles Manson.  No matter how bad the team or its news is - the Site writer always paints a rosy (and not realistic) picture.  After reading these sites . . . and being engulfed by their wave of positive energy (nope, sorry . . . that feeling was caused by my just dropping my computer in the bath tub) . . . it is all one can do not to open the door and yell: "NFL OfficialTeam Sites - Products Of Human Minds Or Proof That Aliens Do Live (And Are Writers) On Earth?"

Most NFL official team sites try to put a positive spin on even the most awful situation ("World Ends . . . But No More Celine Dion").  In my never ending quest to give you the reader the real story about how the media needs to be more honest with the public in its reporting of the NFL, the following is an example of various official NFL Team site stories - both in terms of What Is Reported and What Should Be Reported:

ITEM: Coach Says No Repeat Of Last Year's 2-14 Finish

What Is Reported: Coach John Brown states "this year's team will make a dramatic improvement as compared to our last place finish in 2001."

What Should Be Reported: Coach John Brown states "yeah . . . we're going to suck again this year . . but did you check out the hooters on those cheerleaders?!!"

ITEM: World Champs To Try For Repeat in 2002 Season

What Is Reported: Veteran player Joe Jones says "that we have to start over again this season . . but once you have been to the Show you can't wait to get back."

What Should Be Reported: Veteran Player Joe Jones says "hell yea mo-fo I want to go back to the Show . . . I had more bitches and booze that a man could possibly imagine at the Super Bowl . . . and you should have seen me after the game."

ITEM: Team Signs 12 Undrafted Free Agents

What Is Reported: GM Bob Brown stated "all of the guys we signed have a chance to make our club . . . there will be a few surprises out of this group."

What Should Be Reported: GM Bob Brown stated "all of the guys we signed have a chance to make our club . . . about as much chance as the people on the Titanic - slim and none."

ITEM: Club Releases Veteran JoJo Mojo.

What Is Reported: In a statement released by the team, Head Coach Bob Jones said "we wish JoJo the best and appreciate all he did for the team . . . we wish him well in his future endeavors."  What Should Be Reported: In a statement released by the team, Head Coach Bob Jones said "we hope that lazy, fat slob JoJo rots in hell . . . .that useless piece of shi- . . . I'd  beat that sonofabitch with my shoe if he was here right now."  

ITEM: Team Owner Upset With Lack Of New Stadium

What Is Reported: Owner "Pinky Face" McCool said when asked about the lack of legislative movement on the proposed new stadium: "It is my belief that the fans of this great franchise deserve to see their beloved team in a modern facility . . . and if the State will not reward this great team with a modern day facility then I will do what is best for the franchise."

What Should Be Reported: Owner "Pinky Face" McCool said when asked about the lack of legislative movement on the proposed new stadium: "I have a $10 million final installment due on that Lear jet I just bought . . .I need to sell some PSLs pronto so I don't have to go out and get financing to finish paying for my pimpmobile in the sky . . . fu-- what's best for the franchise - as long as I keep getting rich the fans can go suck eggs . . . did you see the hooters on the cheerleaders?

ITEM: Team Cheerleaders Say Job Is The Greatest

What Is Reported: Cheerleader Vicki says "I love being a cheerleader . . . the small pay doesn't matter . . . I love making people smile and visiting kids at the local hospital."

What Should Be Reported: Cheerleader Vicki says "I love being a cheerleader . . . the small pay doesn't matter . . . I get all the crack I need for free and in exchange have to make a few 355 lb lineman "happy" . .  . beats my old strip club gig."

Even though we here at Profootballtalk never want to hear form Gene again, you can email Gene with any comments , suggestions or questions  (like "Are you gay?") you may have